Anyone else had an Xmas from hell with teenagers?

[Twobigsapphires]

Just that really. Have 3 teens from 14-17 please someone tell me it gets easier. They all loved Xmas when they were little.

I’m exhausted, got woken by a delivery 7am yesterday, then held a socially distanced tea for a few family members in the bloody garden which involves setting up gazebo, dusting off garden chairs, 3 hours of baking, setting up camping stove then after they had left, tidying it all up again then putting on a buffet for the kids. Eldest two only surfaced to drink my nice champagne and then left, leaving me and Dh to tidy again and by this time it was 10pm.

Up at 7 again this morning to put turkey in and prep Xmas day breakfast for all and my parents who were coming by. Cooked salmon, bacon, pastries etc. Dragged teens out of bed, they were moody and tired but luckily cheery enough to be sociable for a hour.

After my parents left they retreated to their room until 3pm for dinner, then left 15 mins later. Popped down for deserts at 5pm. Me and Dh have done nothing but cook, clean and tidy for 2 days. Spent £500 on food and booze and another 1k on gifts, for what?

I know the teenage years are rough but I am so bloody teary now. Dh has now taken the dogs out and I’m sat here on my own. What an epic waste of time and money.

I did get a hug and a thank you from eldest ds for his gifts this morning, but dd turned round at dinner and announced when she grows up she will prob not see us at Xmas as she’ll be too busy. Wtf!

May be able to blackmail youngest to watch a film with us later but what’s the point?

Mine were love and light, though it’s definitely because of the occasion

Both DH and I were wankers to our parents at Christmas as teenagers. I remember being bloody awful to my dad one year when he'd done me a nice stocking because I wasn't into that kind of humour and he should have known that, DH always said he was far too busy and important to waste his time decorating the tree but would deign to grace his family for 20 minutes to eat dinner. We both felt very sad this year not to be with out families.

Just to clarify, yes the hosting was appreciated by my family. The garden tea was with my sister and her twin boys, my nephews. We made it work by heating the patio with patio heaters and had hot choc, mulled wine and pulled pork hot dogs etc. I haven’t seen my sister since the start of summer so my Dc were pleased to see her and loved seeing their cousins. They were sociable and seemed to have a good time.

This morning my dad and step mum just popped in for breakfast, as I said before, this was due to Covid and is not something we normally do. Usually I let my Dc sleep but they knew folks were dropping in and were happy to get up and see them, all be it making them tired.

I’m aware that this doesn’t make them dc from hell and I know that their behaviour was not as bad as some.
I guess I just felt tired and overwhelmed and missed the old days when they wanted to hang out and do fun stuff instead of spending as much time as they could in their rooms.

Why can't the teens help with all of that? They should be pulling their weight too in the house by that age. My DD who is twelve made the choc Yule log and DS who is 15 did the starter. Both helped clear up. If it becomes the norm to help during the year, you shouldn't get objections when you really need help.

Perhaps time to sit down and lay all this out to them op. At that age I never really considered how my actions made my parents feel, they were just there to look after us in my eyes.

Maybe they just haven't considered how much work you're doing (maybe you should decide if it's worth it)

Set expectations around gifts too, esp if they have decent pocket money

You have my sympathy. Mine want all the extras and sense of occasion but really haven't helped except with "fun" stuff.
For us in Tier 4 though it was miserable for them and like @VioletCharlotte they seemed fine then DD(,18) had a massive fit of control freakery /sulk fest when I was making Xmas dinner. And started complaining everyone else in the world was dancing round the kitchen with their parents "having a laugh", whereas I was insisting on being boring and listening to boring carols.
No social life is hitting her really hard. She also claimed everyone else was breaking the rules except boring us.

Ds2 helped make entire evening festive dinner though, festooning birds with herbs and peeling potatoes v badly.
Ds1 was so fed up with Xmas he went for a long dark walk before dinner.The house is too small for three depressed resident kidadults. This despite long dog walk and nice present exchange, and tbh they did all get up by 11.
Next Christmas I really am going to change the location or the arrangement. It no longer "works".

Yep, barely seen the 16yo as she only appears for meals. Been asking since February what she wanted for Christmas. Didnt really get an answer other than a shrug and "ugh I dunno".

She got a drawing tablet and art supplies, bath bombs, pin badges and some other random little bits.

She sulked.

Later in life they will probably look back and realise the love and effort you put into Christmas and feel bad they didn’t appreciate it at the time.

@Pandoraslastchance

Yep, barely seen the 16yo as she only appears for meals. Been asking since February what she wanted for Christmas. Didnt really get an answer other than a shrug and "ugh I dunno".

She got a drawing tablet and art supplies, bath bombs, pin badges and some other random little bits.

She sulked.

Mine too. She even picked at her dinner as she had binged on chocolate!

It gets easier. My 16-year old helped create the table, my 18-year old helped with the veg and poured me a glass of wine. They both loved their surprise presents. None of us wants to do it all again next year It's blooming hard work!

They sound rude, I have kids aged 10, 13, 13, 15 and 18, they helped prepare lunch, cleared the table, said thank you, played games afterwards, the really quiet one has gone for some quiet time in his room, you need to raise your expectations

They don't get their niceness from you do they. I mean you are quite happy to put the boot in when the OP is obviously down and needs a bit of reassurance. Well done.

Yep and they’re not even mine. Step children.

“I don’t mind the effort or the money if people are happy.”

What would make you happy @Twobigsapphires?

I dont think the OP does need reassurance that it's ok for her kids to take her for granted @ancientgran because, at that age, it really isnt.

When my DB and I were teenagers, well even as kids, it wasn't that our parents wouldn't have put up with us not doing our part to help (breakfast washing up, getting dinner ready, decorating, buying and wrapping presents etc) it is that we would have been mortified to let them do all the work (i am under no illusion that we would have been told in no uncertain terms what our chores would be if we hadn't pitched in under our own steam)

I couldn't wait to buy presents for my family with my own money for the first time as a 12 year old - i cringe when i think about what they actually were - but they came from the heart and I'm sure they were appreciated for that. And it was lovely when i saw my own DCs go through that process (first buying things they would like, then things they thought we would like but were really what they liked, on to asking us or finding out things about us over the year)

I wrap, with the help of the DC who still lives at home (and hates wrapping so i really appreciate the help) while DH preps and cooks. We all tidy, except for the one cooking, and all through the holiday period we all (as we always do anyway) offer to make tea, coffee, get the beer from the fridge, empty the bins etc etc.

But that's how DH and i grew up in our own families and that's how our DCs have grown up. Talking about expectations helps if it doesn't happen spontaneously, or asking directly "DD come and help with the washing up" type of thing.

I am miffed at the gift thing though, just a pair of socks or box of chocolates would be nice. Not sure how to raise it without being grabby though.

If they were going to, say, a boyfriend's house for Sunday lunch, would they turn up empty handed? If yes, they need to be told in clear words that is unacceptable. Jf no, why is it acceptable not to bring you something for Chrismas? It is unacceptable not to show some appreciation of your family at Christmas and for birthdays.

I dont think the OP does need reassurance that it's ok for her kids to take her for granted @ancientgran because, at that age, it really isnt. No of course not, what she needs on a Christmas Day where she isn't feeling great is for people to come on and tell her it is bad parenting, her standards are low and their kids are wonderful.

Merry Christmas

My favourite Christmas photo of DD from this year has her in a Christmas paper crown with a face like thunder and one finger up to the camera. She looks like a gorgeous model with a very bad attitude. It won't last...they come out of it OP...I was a cow until I was 18 I remember.

@ancientgran Totally agree. That poster isn't posting anything supportive or even constructive just being smug and self righteous.

Yes you can insist your teenagers spend all Christmas day downstairs but OP is feeling whistful for the days they were genuinely really excited for Christmas. It's totally normal that they're no longer bounding out of bed at 7am and would rather be in their rooms but that doesn't stop it being a little sad.

**
They sound rude, I have kids aged 10, 13, 13, 15 and 18, they helped prepare lunch, cleared the table, said thank you, played games afterwards, the really quiet one has gone for some quiet time in his room, you need to raise your expectations

They don't get their niceness from you do they. I mean you are quite happy to put the boot in when the OP is obviously down and needs a bit of reassurance. Well done.

^^

I guess the easiest thing short term would be to sympathise with OP and not mention any teens who pull their weight. It’s hardly putting the boot in if posters mention what their teens did to help over Xmas though. The long term issue still stands and unless OP gives it some thought she’s heading for a repeat every Xmas.

The beauty of mumsnet is the mixture of opinions which can help OPs reflect and work issues through.

@Porridgeoat

Oh come on learn to READ THE TONE. All of those posts were inane, there was no helpful advice - do you really think OP doesn't realise some teenagers help make Christmas dinner? In any case OP didn't ask for parenting advice from anonymous posters over MN - if she did want advice there'd certainly be better places to go for it. She just wanted a bit of reassurance she isn't the only one (she isn't) a bit of sympathy. Not someone taking the opportunity to behave smug and self righteous.

In short term turn the wifi off/hide cables to say it’s broken 😂 longer term have a chat with them and explain how you feel. They need to help out more and understand how important family time is to you be DH and why

I guess the easiest thing short term would be to sympathise with OP and not mention any teens who pull their weight. It’s hardly putting the boot in if posters mention what their teens did to help over Xmas though. The long term issue still stands and unless OP gives it some thought she’s heading for a repeat every Xmas. And the comments about it being bad parenting, having low standards, do you think that was helpful in anyway? If you were feeling down is that the resposne you'd be looking for?

I’ve spent the last few hours asking my 16 year old to come out of his room and join the family to play games etc. He comes down and then sneaks back upstairs! We had take away Christmas dinner (tier 4) as I felt me cooking a Xmas dinner for hours was not going to be fully appreciated by teenagers.