Extremely rude and disrespectful child and Christmas!! HELP!

[teachingselfrestraint]

Dear other Parents, please don’t judge me for this one!!

I’m a Mum of two. One very sweet, polite and kind 4 year old boy with the kindest heart. And one very sour to the core 7 year old girl who is on a path of self destruction.

I don’t know how to approach Christmas when all year around we remind our young children of Santa and his expectations - be kind to others- and for one of my children, these expectations have been swung into space!

My 7 year old has the entitled teen attitude. My friends and family are scared to talk to her as she snaps back with pure brutality and has no emotions connected to the world. This is not an exaggeration (I do feel awful for her as she does has a emotional diagnosis from CAMHS and has had heavy support up until recent BUT it has been made very clear to me by professionals that she does know what she is doing at all times!)

So I’m sorry to be blunt with this but WHAT THE F**K AM I ACTUALLY MEANT TO DO ABOUT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!?

So far my plan is she will still receive presents from myself, family and friends, but nothing from Santa- just a letter explaining that kindness did not come from her and so he’s decided to give her present to someone less fortunate.
Family think this is ridiculous and that I should just give her nothing. But I don’t want her upset on Christmas! As much as I resent the behaviours, the phone calls from school and after school club and the endless apologies I hand out on her behalf. I would feel like the worst Mum ever to take everything from such a small girl on Christmas!!

Please help me balance this parenting struggle! What can I do?

2/10

Sounds like Christmas presents are the least of your worries. Have the professionals been able to identify the route of the problem?

If you've made it part of your family folklore that one has to be kind to get a gift from Santa then I think you have to withhold the Santa gift. Withholding everything seems harsh to me, but I guess it does depend on the reason gifts are given at Christmas in your house. I don't plan to have Christmas gifts be at all linked to how 'good' my child has been.

What is an "emotional diagnosis"?

I think that could backfire spectacularly. I know it's tempting, but I don't believe that's the right way to go about it. This is a bigger issue and won't solve your problem. Have you tried to get her involved in any kind of mindfulness classes? They can really help children realize these are other ways to manage their emotions. You need to look at 'why' she is 'sour to the core' as you say. Children aren't born bad/sour so something has triggered it.

"He's decided to give her presents to someone less fortunate"

Oh so maybe to a little girl with a diagnosis from CAHMS perhaps? Oh wait...……

Unbelievable.

ODFOD!

Please don’t use Santa/Christmas to punish your child. If you think her behaviour is bad normally- doing that will send her off into the stratosphere and your Christmas will be hell.

How are you dealing with her unpleasantness when it happens?

Is it possible she is attention seeking/seeing how far she can push things?

Could you try completely ignoring all unpleasantness even when she is pushing really hard and only give her attention/conversation/a response when she is speaking normally/politely/respectfully. Ask all your friends and family members to do the same. Tell them not even to make any eye rolls or facial expressions if she is being rude etc. Completely ignore it. The. Respond normally when she is polite/calm making no reference to her bad behaviour.

You can't withhold Santa's gift.
As an outsider taking an objective view I can tell you that doing so would be cruel.
A letter telling her, despite issues, how much she is loved and supported PLUS a gift- fair enough.

Horrible to read and I hope this is just a goady post. Really nasty.

She’s 7 you can’t punish her for not being in charge of her emotions.
If you go through with it you will emotionally fuck her up even more.

Perhaps you could write a letter to Santa explaining why you think she should get a Santa gift, and ask her to help with that to include behaviours she will change next year. Explain to her that you’re doing this as her behaviour hasn’t been at the required level, but you love her and don’t want her to miss out? Use it as an exercise to explain good behaviour and manners etc.

What has caused this?

No one is in a path to self destruction at 7; especially not one who is under CAMHS.

Also she might know she is doing it but it doesn’t mean she can control it???
What mechanisms have you got in place to help her manage her emotions?
If nothing then you need to go back to CAHMs and see what they suggest.

I fail to see how it's nasty. If she carries on into adulthood like this she'll get absolutely nothing, no job, no friends nothing.
Best she learns early.

I think @Mixingitall's suggestion is a good workaround.

Jesus Christ. Give her presents (from you and Santa) and maybe look at a parenting class and ways to improve your bond with her.

She's 7. In what way is she on a path to destruction already? And if your parenting strategy all year is to refer to Santa and presents, no wonder you're all out of options. What 7 year old cares in January that a sanction might happen in 11 months' time? Most don't see past next week.

What in the actual hell? At 7 the issue here is you. I very much say that as a parent with an asd child of the same age. His SEN is not my fault but it is damn well my responsibility to manage.

It is a truly cruel thing you are thinking. My ds has limited if no empathy and it does lead to behaviours and statements that can seem nasty or unpleasant but we manage that and sometimes it may be a question for us of teaching by rote. I've had professionals involved left right and centre but ultimately your dd is 7 , this is so far over the line.

What withholding Christmas in this will do is reinforce she is "bad" and frankly will make the behaviour worse.

There is a massive difference between knowing what you are doing and understanding the impact. My ds1 can know what he is doing but unless we explain the impact on others he will not get it (actually quite often he still doesn't but we have back up techniques to manage that)

I understand all too well the frustration of a child with additional needs but this is not the right way to handle it. I'm usually a believer in letting parents handle the way that works for them but this is over the line. I know that you can try your hardest and they still behave in a challenging way but cruelty is not your get out clause.

As an add on , your description of the difference between the two children , I really hope she never hears that. (In fairness you dont indicate that you do say it to them so I may be being unfair here ). My ds2 is neuro typical but never in a million years would I compare them. Ds1 was born like this and Ds2 wasn't...it was neither of their choice so comparison is totally unfair.

There is no such damn thing as a 7 year old who is sour to the core.

Have you tried Therapeutic Parenting. PACE

I

Shes 7.

Santa won't be getting you anything either eh? For being 'unkind'?

Lead by example ffs.

What a nasty mother you are.

Next you'll be telling us you suspect she's a witch.

Look up PDA (techniques work for all kids not just ASD). Stop putting the blame on her. I don’t like your negative attitude, how about a bit of positivity. Do you think she picks up on your opinion of her that ‘she is rotten to the core’...I do!!!!

I think the suggestion from Mixingitall was really good.

No point telling kids Santa only comes for good behaviour if you're not going to follow through with it, but this would be a much better learning exercise than her sulking and learning nothing when she gets nothing on the day.