Extremely rude and disrespectful child and Christmas!! HELP!

[teachingselfrestraint]

Dear other Parents, please don’t judge me for this one!!

I’m a Mum of two. One very sweet, polite and kind 4 year old boy with the kindest heart. And one very sour to the core 7 year old girl who is on a path of self destruction.

I don’t know how to approach Christmas when all year around we remind our young children of Santa and his expectations - be kind to others- and for one of my children, these expectations have been swung into space!

My 7 year old has the entitled teen attitude. My friends and family are scared to talk to her as she snaps back with pure brutality and has no emotions connected to the world. This is not an exaggeration (I do feel awful for her as she does has a emotional diagnosis from CAMHS and has had heavy support up until recent BUT it has been made very clear to me by professionals that she does know what she is doing at all times!)

So I’m sorry to be blunt with this but WHAT THE F**K AM I ACTUALLY MEANT TO DO ABOUT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!?

So far my plan is she will still receive presents from myself, family and friends, but nothing from Santa- just a letter explaining that kindness did not come from her and so he’s decided to give her present to someone less fortunate.
Family think this is ridiculous and that I should just give her nothing. But I don’t want her upset on Christmas! As much as I resent the behaviours, the phone calls from school and after school club and the endless apologies I hand out on her behalf. I would feel like the worst Mum ever to take everything from such a small girl on Christmas!!

Please help me balance this parenting struggle! What can I do?

And please don’t use Father Christmas as a bribe, he’s not real.

I just can't get past your description of her as 'sour to the core'.

Honestly that's chilling.

My son is 7, has ASD/PDA and to the outside world can seem rude, disrespectful, aggressive etc at times. It all comes from a place of anxiety and a struggle to manage his sensory needs.
I would never in a hundred million years punish him by withholding gifts. He has a disability. Would you tell a blind child they can't have a gift because their eyes don't work?

I know some of my family and friends think I'm a crap parent because we take a very low demand approach with all our kids, but unless DS1's anxiety is reduced, he's never going to be in a place to learn appropriate social behaviour - Maslow before Bloom.

I have developed a thick skin to criticism. You have to be your child's best advocate, even against close family.

We've never done the santa bribery thing, we have always told our kids that everyone can be a good person and every child has a kind heart so every child gets a gift.

Sour to the core. Christ.

What a horrible thing to say. Sorry I know kids can be little buggers but that makes it sound as if there’s no good in her!

She’s 7 ffs.

Part of me feels like this just can’t be true because surely no Mother could actually write something like that but the other part of me feels like just in case it is I have to answer it.

No you shouldn’t destroy your child’s Christmas at 7. If you can’t control her behaviour and emotions why would Santa be able to? You are effectively saying the only hope you have of improving her behaviour is withholding presents. This is why DS has never been told about the naughty nice nonsense. He will be getting presents and he behaves because I expect that and will discipline as necessary. That is terrifying. If you really feel the need to make this a Christmas she’ll remember for all the wrong reasons then withhold the presents from you. If you want to do something like that, man up and own it.

Not to mention that someday in the future she'll know there's no Father Christmas and that you personally decided to rob her of the joy of Christmas morning. She will feel unloved.

Don't be surprised if as an adult she tells other people that you were abusive, on that evidence they'd agree.

Do not do that to a child that already can't regulate her emotions. Saying "be kind" is a bit vague with a child with additional needs, being "kind" needs teaching what your doing is unkind. Start small and reward everything positive a lot and I mean really small "can you give your brother this drink please" "thank you so much for being helpful and kind etc etc".

What @Spied said.
You can’t punish her out of this behaviour. She needs to know she is loved unconditionally.
How often is she told she’s loved?

You treat her like the others. She is still very very little.
Is she aspie?

A bit shocked anyone would even consider withholding Christmas presents from a child at all let alone one with a diagnosis! This has made me very sad to read!

please dont withold her santa present.
I have a little girl who has gone through phases of being hard to like (for other people) but if she is not accepted and loved by you no matter what, then she has not much.

I would carry on being consistent with showing and modelling kindness.
Maybe she is not enjoying other people being too close to her so saying things that makes them go away?

You lost me at sour to the very core.

Nope - you give her exactly the same amount of presents from Father Christmas

And you start to give the "Father Christmas rewards EFFORT" message

You always, always praise the effort - think of all the times she doesn't say unkind things, all the moments she is awake and not being a 'sour little girl'

You need to engage as a family with therapeutic parenting techniques

I've always thought that making Father Christmas into a disciplinary tool was an appalling idea, tbh. And doing so with a 7 year-old child with emotional difficulties is just horrible. Being kind is something she should be helped to work on all the time, not a behaviour she's desperately struggling to produce in order to win Santa's favour.

You need to give a consequence for bad behaviour straight away, not save it all up for the 25th december. It's a ridiculous and cruel idea to with hold her presents. You need to discipline her every day, and start each morning with a clean sheet where her wrongdoings are forgotten about.

It sounds as if you are reacting to pressure from family and others and doing this as a performance of what a strict parent you are.

Please don't do this.

The way you speak about her in your OP makes me think her behaviour is a self fulfilling prophecy. She is only seven years oldm a little girl, she most likely has no idea of the impact her words might have. That she is being seen by CAMHS surely suggests to you that there is a reason behind her behaviour
I'd suggest you model the behaviours you want and definitely don't speak about her in the terms you have in OP in her presence or that of her brother's and ask about parenting courses because if you are using Santa as a way of monitoring her and justification for punishing her then you definitely need parenting support.

Crikey some people on Here are mean with absolutely no empathy. Children can be bloody awful and it’s fine to moan about them on here. I doubt she says it in real life. Get a grip all of you.

How awful

I think there is a possibility with a difficult child, especially a difficult girl, to performance parent how hard you are dealing with it. Im not saying its the case here, but what your daughter likely needs is love bombing , security and not having to see others too much if she is not enjoying them.
Remember your relationship with her is more important than what others think. You may lose friends but that is less important

Is there a present from Santa that can help emotionally. Eg a book about being kind or personalised stationary to write thank you notes on?

Dear god , she's 7. Let her have a visit from Father Christmas.

I’m actually amazed that a parent would actually consider having Santa presents for one child and not sibling (especially given her diagnosis), that is the sort of stuff that breeds resentment for a lifetime.

As for your family suggesting she shouldn’t get anything (if I’ve read that correctly) I can’t believe they could be so utterly cruel!

Woah this has gone the wrong way
You called your young child 'sour to the core' - how did you think people would react?

Good luck when she finds out Santa isn’t real. Jeez - don’t use an imaginary figure to do your parenting, and don’t let others pressure you to do so either.

It’s a time for kindness, right? So be kind.

OMG this is awful
How do you know she is not in fact on the Autistic Spectrum (Girls are notoriously hard to diagnose)
Thus she may not be able to help the things she says does. She needs help support and errr kindness
Poor little girl