Have you ever had to 'bar' someone from your home on Christmas?

[bandthenjust]

As it says! Have any of you had to ask someo ne to leave or make it c lear they 're not invited? How did you go about doing it?

No experience of this at all but shamelessly place marking

Lol, I'm asking in advance as I'm predicting I'm going to have to do it this year

Are you talking about doing it on the day itself, or in advance?

In advance - i t's incase mil asks to spend Christmas with us again. she was at ours last year and she ruined it. I tried to get her to leave last year but... Didn't work.

I realise that sounds horrib le lol, I didn't try and boot her out in Chri stmas day, I offered to pay her taxi so she could go and see her other son rather than bringing his drama to our home.

Interesting thread OP. Many people on here (and therapists) are quick to state you should just get people to leave for unreasonable behaviour but how you actually make that happen with an actual family membet must be incredibly difficult.

How did you actually try to get your mil to leave may I ask?

I just don't answer my door op and I really could give no fucks about it either.
I think you need to strengthen your mind and attitude to people like this.

Also want to know about your efforts so far.

My mum had to tell my auntie to leave one Christmas, she got incredibly upset and angry at how my uncle (her brother) had spent more on me my sister, than what he had spent on her. Ok fairly reasonable if she had children and he had spent more on us than her children but it wasn’t the case, she was genuinely angry that he had spent more on us than HERSELF!

My mum told her to get out, she stormed out and stood outside for 2 hours on a freezing cold Christmas Day waiting to get picked up, by my poor granddad who was driving back down from up north. It was months before anyone got speaking again

Mines not really the same I guess!

SIL is now barred from our house full stop. She’s a selfish attention seeking fucking arsehole and after 7 years of her deliberately fucking up every family occasion including kids birthdays I’ve had enough.

BIL is on a sticky wicket too.

Here we go lol!
I actually really, really, like my mil! She's fucking ace! I HATE one of her sons though! Hes a career criminal, junkie, alcoholic, wife -beating, piece of crap. He's never been invit ed for Xmas, and unless I have some kind of extreme 'episode', he never will be. He bullies mil, has he r wrapped around his finger. Last year, he spent Xmas Eve night hounding mil. Xmas day, he started again. Dh told mil to go and s peak to him (over the phone) in the backyard, as the kids were getting upset hearing nanny saying 'oh god, please don't do that! Don't kill yourself!' And 'why the fuck did you put a pavin g slab through my window?!'. I asked her if she'd like to go and sort things out with him, I'll pay for her taxi. She refused and said 'im not going to let it ruin my day' . She asked dh and I if we'd like her to leave, and dh said yeah if this is going to carry on. She just sat there though sorry for the rant.

When mil asked dh what we were doing regarding gifts, dh told her we were exchanging Xmas week as we were having Xmas to ourselves..
Having seen ds twice from birth (September) to December we felt her being there would be an intrusion.
She lived less than ten mins away but never visited.
Nc after the Jan.

Don’t leave this until Christmas Day to blow up. It needs to be dealt with in advance.

Were you given advance warning last year?

Every year there's always something. W e can never anticipate what it'll be, but there 's usually some bs. One year, when family were visiting from America, mil and said American relatives were supposed to be at ours for lunchtime on Xmas Eve. They got to ours at 8pm because same bil was in hospital after being involved in a motorbike crash whilst he was out drug dealing.
Whi lst it isn't mil directly, wherever she goes, scumbag will follow. He s turned up with her before without him actually b eing invited. All she does when we see her is obsess over him. My eldest asked her 'why do you on ly talk about (him?'

Get your DH onside first. Then well in advance say “I know people might be starting to plan for Christmas. we’re not hosting at Christmas this year.” No sorry we can’t or unfortunately or sorry in any way- just that you’re not hosting. If you’re nice you could offer to meet up somewhere neutral for lunch on another day but that’s up to you. Don’t engage in reasons why, just repeat that you’re not hosting. It’s up to her, as an adult, to organise where she will spend Christmas elsewhere. Don’t feel guilty, think of your DC and their Christmas memories that she’s polluted with how she responded to BIL, I appreciate that must have been distressing but then she should shelter her grandchildren from that.

flamingo and yetalkshite xmas brings out the worst in people right?

rainbow dh is waaaaay more vocal about it than I am. He's told mil, and bil, that if bil turns up at ours hes going to be put out. Hes told mil multiple times (not just at Xmas) to behave herself and not talk about this crap in front of the kids. Unfortunately, she's the ty pe to then start crying and seek sympathy about how 'shit her life is' and get very loud.

xmas brings out the worst in people right?

It sure does! Unfortunately anyone else being the focus brings out the worst in my SIL.

Your BIL sounds like a prize prick too!

It’s perfectly fair if you let people know your plan well in advance so they can make their plans accordingly. You may want to look at the “grey rock” approach, it’s normally advice for those with abusive partners but may help you to not get guilt tripped or engaged in a debate about it. You are not hosting any family this year. Repeat as necessary.

Lol, I'm familiar with the grey rock (narcissistic family members). As far as (we're) concerned, she isn't visitin g this year. Just waiting for her to mention something.
yetalkshite whats sil done then?!

Don’t wait for her to mention something, do it proactively. Own the decision, you’re signaling loud and clear your Christmas is for you and DC, full stop. Who knows it may make her think about what damage her behaviour in relation to BIL is actually causing. Good luck with it, I have to go out now but will check the thread later.

While you may well like her OP, this whole drama has been enabled by her behaviour. The fact that you say she has already been told not to talk about BIL infront of DCs but still does, and as you say she obsesses over him, means she is not as much a victim in this situation as she would like to have you believe.

Thankfully we're not in your situation but MIL is a bit precious about Christmas. This year we're staying home. Told both parents this in advance (though they will ask again if we'll go to there's). I suggest what we're doing say family only Christmas. We can see you x or y day. That way choices are narrowed and stand firm.

fuckedoff I totally agree with you! She doesn't help herself at all, and my dh and I both agree that she enjoys (some of) the drama. Dh has a very odd family dynamic, which he knows is odd and pretty unhealthy, but mil sees nothing wrong with it. Arguments, violence, drugs etc are all completely normal for her, so for us to tell her that hearin g about that sort of garbage is inappropriate baffles her.

whats sil done then?!

Faked collapses, started screaming arguments with her partner, started on my kids for fuck all, demanded expensive food for Christmas dinner but never said so much as thank you, stropped during my Mum’s funeral because it was sooooo hard for HER, trashed my house.....the list is endless and as I write it all I’m annoyed with myself for putting up with it! She’s DPs brother’s “fiancée” (no intention of getting married) and a fucking troll.