Have you ever had to 'bar' someone from your home on Christmas?

[bandthenjust]

As it says! Have any of you had to ask someo ne to leave or make it c lear they 're not invited? How did you go about doing it?

[QueenOfIce]

Manage her expectations now, "mil we will be just the 4 of us this Christmas but we'd love to see you on Boxing Day" however if she has nowhere else to be I'd crack and let her come is it possible to have a chat with her about how it affects her and your Christmas, that she should be able to relax and enjoy as should you buy each year that's made very difficult by the timing of her sons dramas? Find her phone and turn it off!

[00100001]

It's the perfect time to go on holiday.... Just saying


Book it, don't tell them, so by the time they start to think about logistics, you can Hmmmm and har for a while and then announce your going away.

Make sure to keep the location a secret from the kids. Feed fake info to in laws if they insist on trying to join you.



Jet off on your adventure around about the 20th and relax MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[UnderMajorDomoMinor]

Nightmare! I would bring it up first though. If she doesn’t have the perspective to see how inappropriate it is to bring this stuff in front of kids she’s not going to change.

If you wait for her to bring it up you’re on stress tender hooks waiting. Take control:

Dh - mum we need to talk about Christmas. You need to make arrangements with ‘d’b this year as the havoc he’s brought to our door for the last x number Christmas’s stops now.

If you wait it’ll get too close to Christmas and you’ll be ‘abandoning’ her. Tell her now she’s got plenty of time to make plans.

[3rdrockfromthesun]

DP and I have already talked about Christmas and expectations. I am lucky that he will work what I have to work. What I have said as we will only have Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's Day off this year - let's go easy on ourselves and not have family up. We could go and see them over that weekend

[Aprilshowersinaugust]

Makes me so glad me and dh are nc with dps and have no siblings!

[YeTalkShiteHen]

bandthenjust no they don’t have kids, but she knows all about parenting and how to parent My kids can’t fucking stand her!

I think they got together when his self esteem was low but frankly after 7 years of pandering to her and his inability to tell her to fuck off I’m tempted to tell him to fuck off too!

[bandthenjust]

Jesus Christ, she sounds horrendous, does she have kids?
Makes you wonder how such people find partners to begin with.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

whats sil done then?!

Faked collapses, started screaming arguments with her partner, started on my kids for fuck all, demanded expensive food for Christmas dinner but never said so much as thank you, stropped during my Mum’s funeral because it was sooooo hard for HER, trashed my house.....the list is endless and as I write it all I’m annoyed with myself for putting up with it! She’s DPs brother’s “fiancée” (no intention of getting married) and a fucking troll.

[bandthenjust]

fuckedoff I totally agree with you! She doesn't help herself at all, and my dh and I both agree that she enjoys (some of) the drama. Dh has a very odd family dynamic, which he knows is odd and pretty unhealthy, but mil sees nothing wrong with it. Arguments, violence, drugs etc are all completely normal for her, so for us to tell her that hearin g about that sort of garbage is inappropriate baffles her.

[ItsJustASimpleLine]

Thankfully we're not in your situation but MIL is a bit precious about Christmas. This year we're staying home. Told both parents this in advance (though they will ask again if we'll go to there's). I suggest what we're doing say family only Christmas. We can see you x or y day. That way choices are narrowed and stand firm.

[Fuckedoffat48b]

While you may well like her OP, this whole drama has been enabled by her behaviour. The fact that you say she has already been told not to talk about BIL infront of DCs but still does, and as you say she obsesses over him, means she is not as much a victim in this situation as she would like to have you believe.

[Rainbowshine]

Don’t wait for her to mention something, do it proactively. Own the decision, you’re signaling loud and clear your Christmas is for you and DC, full stop. Who knows it may make her think about what damage her behaviour in relation to BIL is actually causing. Good luck with it, I have to go out now but will check the thread later.

[bandthenjust]

Lol, I'm familiar with the grey rock (narcissistic family members). As far as (we're) concerned, she isn't visitin g this year. Just waiting for her to mention something.
yetalkshite whats sil done then?!

[Rainbowshine]

It’s perfectly fair if you let people know your plan well in advance so they can make their plans accordingly. You may want to look at the “grey rock” approach, it’s normally advice for those with abusive partners but may help you to not get guilt tripped or engaged in a debate about it. You are not hosting any family this year. Repeat as necessary.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

xmas brings out the worst in people right?

It sure does! Unfortunately anyone else being the focus brings out the worst in my SIL.

Your BIL sounds like a prize prick too!

[bandthenjust]

rainbow dh is waaaaay more vocal about it than I am. He's told mil, and bil, that if bil turns up at ours hes going to be put out. Hes told mil multiple times (not just at Xmas) to behave herself and not talk about this crap in front of the kids. Unfortunately, she's the ty pe to then start crying and seek sympathy about how 'shit her life is' and get very loud.

[bandthenjust]

flamingo and yetalkshite xmas brings out the worst in people right?

[Rainbowshine]

Get your DH onside first. Then well in advance say “I know people might be starting to plan for Christmas. we’re not hosting at Christmas this year.” No sorry we can’t or unfortunately or sorry in any way- just that you’re not hosting. If you’re nice you could offer to meet up somewhere neutral for lunch on another day but that’s up to you. Don’t engage in reasons why, just repeat that you’re not hosting. It’s up to her, as an adult, to organise where she will spend Christmas elsewhere. Don’t feel guilty, think of your DC and their Christmas memories that she’s polluted with how she responded to BIL, I appreciate that must have been distressing but then she should shelter her grandchildren from that.

[bandthenjust]

Every year there's always something. W e can never anticipate what it'll be, but there 's usually some bs. One year, when family were visiting from America, mil and said American relatives were supposed to be at ours for lunchtime on Xmas Eve. They got to ours at 8pm because same bil was in hospital after being involved in a motorbike crash whilst he was out drug dealing.
Whi lst it isn't mil directly, wherever she goes, scumbag will follow. He s turned up with her before without him actually b eing invited. All she does when we see her is obsess over him. My eldest asked her 'why do you on ly talk about (him?'

[QuoadUltra]

Don’t leave this until Christmas Day to blow up. It needs to be dealt with in advance.

Were you given advance warning last year?

[Aprilshowersinaugust]

When mil asked dh what we were doing regarding gifts, dh told her we were exchanging Xmas week as we were having Xmas to ourselves..
Having seen ds twice from birth (September) to December we felt her being there would be an intrusion.
She lived less than ten mins away but never visited.
Nc after the Jan.

[bandthenjust]

Here we go lol!
I actually really, really, like my mil! She's fucking ace! I HATE one of her sons though! Hes a career criminal, junkie, alcoholic, wife -beating, piece of crap. He's never been invit ed for Xmas, and unless I have some kind of extreme 'episode', he never will be. He bullies mil, has he r wrapped around his finger. Last year, he spent Xmas Eve night hounding mil. Xmas day, he started again. Dh told mil to go and s peak to him (over the phone) in the backyard, as the kids were getting upset hearing nanny saying 'oh god, please don't do that! Don't kill yourself!' And 'why the fuck did you put a pavin g slab through my window?!'. I asked her if she'd like to go and sort things out with him, I'll pay for her taxi. She refused and said 'im not going to let it ruin my day' . She asked dh and I if we'd like her to leave, and dh said yeah if this is going to carry on. She just sat there though sorry for the rant.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

SIL is now barred from our house full stop. She’s a selfish attention seeking fucking arsehole and after 7 years of her deliberately fucking up every family occasion including kids birthdays I’ve had enough.

BIL is on a sticky wicket too.

[Flamingo19]

Mines not really the same I guess!

[Flamingo19]

My mum had to tell my auntie to leave one Christmas, she got incredibly upset and angry at how my uncle (her brother) had spent more on me my sister, than what he had spent on her. Ok fairly reasonable if she had children and he had spent more on us than her children but it wasn’t the case, she was genuinely angry that he had spent more on us than HERSELF!

My mum told her to get out, she stormed out and stood outside for 2 hours on a freezing cold Christmas Day waiting to get picked up, by my poor granddad who was driving back down from up north. It was months before anyone got speaking again