What do you do about differing amounts of presents for cousins?

[reddaisy]

We are contemplating spending Christmas Day with my SIL, her DH and their DC. Our DC love their cousins and they have a huge house with arcade games and enough space for us all to stay including Mil and Fil who live near to them.

We live four hours drive away and our only reservation is that we will probably spend £100 each on our DC but SIL and her DH are very wealthy so they will probably spend lots more on their children like they have in previous years. Obviously their choice. But what would we do about Christmas morning? It would be awful for our DC to sit through their cousins getting far more presents than them and I can't think of a solution.

We have thought about waking up at home and then doing the four hour drive on Christmas Day but it doesn't sound like much fun for us or the DC who will have to leave their new toys behind. We don't fancy staying in a hotel nearby and doing it there so not sure where that leaves us. What do you all do?

Think I would either stay home and visit them on Boxing Day or stay in a hotel Xmas eve night.

They go off to see other side of their family on Boxing Day so we can't do that as that would suit us actually. I don't fancy waking up in a Travelodge on Christmas morning trying to make it all magical and we can't even stay with PIL because they don't have room. Still hoping for a magic mumsnet solution!

They are probably thinking the same. Why don't you chat to your SIL about how to handle it - are your children the same sort of ages, ie. will there be comparisons? Hopefully your SIL will have thought of this too, and be happy to have the opportunity of talking through solutions.

This is why I never mix other children with mine on christmas day - also my probably-too-old-for-it 11 year old still believes!!! and I don't want her to be ridiculed by uncles/cousins

Talk to your sil about it, there must be a solution. One option would be to do family presents in your bedroom before breakfast and then only open presents between your family and theirs (so theirs to you, gps presents and yours to them). Another option would be for both families to postpone some present opening till boxing day - we always did this as could not take all the presents on the train. Things like this always work well as encourage the message that Christmas is about spending time together and not presents

I think you maybe overestimating my SIL They don't really think about how things affect other people. The onus would be on them to spend less because we can't spend more and I don't want to look like we are trying to tell them what to spend. We actually moved Christmas Day to Christmas Eve when our DC were small to avoid this exact situation and we travelled up first thing on Christmas Day and pretended to our DC that it was Boxing Day! There is no way we would get away with that now, our DC are younger than theirs but I think it would be hard not to compare their hauls on the day and it would leave them thinking that Father Christmas had been more generous to their cousins. Hmm, might get DH to give talking to her a try, it can't hurt.

Milly
My DC believed until 11 too - we had to tell DS in the end, as he was really being teased at school. He's 22 and still not forgiven us! DD's teacher told her in Yr. 6, announcing to the class 'of course, you're all too old to believe in Father Christmas now'.

DrWitch, that sounds reasonable and although we will be driving it we decide to spend Christmas there then that will be a deciding factor in the gift buying - what can be easily transported. But all this involves cooperation and I am not sure they will want to tweak their arrangements. Present opening in room could work because I actually think the DC will be more interested in tearing around the house together than their new toys.

Milly, I might have to agree with you if we can't find a solution. It is lovely that your DD still believes, I love the excitement and magic of it all.

I would do Christmas gifts at home . Then travel to them on the day for lunch etc. I would let the children take some toys with them to play with at sil . Just take easily transportable ones! I wouldn't speak to sil. It's her house she might get offended . People put alot of emphasis on one day and territorial about traditions and doing it there way.
As its at her house you will have to make changes I think . Next year maybe have it at yours or on your own .

We have this same problem; my SIL buys silly amounts of presents that take days to open. They always go to mil house for Christmas so we never visit until a couple of days later when it is really only dh and I who notice how much stuff there is. It is getting a bit easier for the moment as the cousins are teens/nearly teens and the presents are smaller and more expensive so there aren't so many (our dc are not so savy about the price yet). Also made a bit more awkward by the differing values of mil's presents but that is another thread. The best solutions I can suggest is to speak to your SIL, point out how awkward you feel about the difference in value/number and ask if they could save some of their presents until Boxing Day or, if you aren't staying that night, after you leave.

Agree to stay in your bedroom till x time. Explain to your dc and sil that you want to have a bit of family time and don't want to intrude on theirs either

Its very hard to stay in your bedroom on Xmas day till the others have opened their presents, could be seen as rude and wouldabe difficult

You could do what my ex inlaws did and there were no children involved at all. They and my ex sister in law came downstairs at 7:30am, opened all their presents to each other. Left ours in piles on chairs. We came down at 9 am for a leisurely champagne breakfast having agreed in advance that we would bring all the goodies with us. We were gobsmacked. But it did mean that there was no comparing the number of presents. Their's had all been tidied away by the time we had opened the 2nd one. Not quite the Christmas spirit.

That is the thing, none of the practical suggestions are really going to make us feel Christmassy and it seems a bit pointless to have made the effort and journey to be together then to open presents shut away in a different room. Would much prefer to arrive Christmas night and spend Boxing Day with them to get round this but that is a no go. We can't really have them here instead as our house is tiny and wouldn't fit us all in. Thanks for all the suggestions though, will keep pondering it myself.

Could you stay in a lovely hotel rather than travel lodge? Posh breakfast etc

Do you need to travel with all their presents? Can Santa leave some stuff at your house for when you get home?

Possibly Heels, but it would sadly be money we don't really have but I will have a look now to see if we can find a nice one that we could stretch to.

Do all your presents to dc's (and sil's to her dc's) come from FC? In our house, FC brings stockings and we also buy presents. If you're The same, could you and sil agree modest-ish stockings to dc's, open those and presents to each other on Xmas day then save presents from you/sil to your own dc's until Boxing Day?

Yes, could do that, eltsihT. But then they would have even less to open on Christmas morning, it would be better if their cousins could have presents to open elsewhere but I can get away with that

Presents before you go downstairs sounds best.

Or just talk to DC about it. How old are they? Just explain SIL has more money and likes to spend it all at Christmas. Whereas you like treats and days out during the year.

It's a fact of life. Learning to accept and be happy with less than others is a good lesson to teach. And it sounds like it's going to come up again in the future anyway.

All presents come from FC here, apart from ones from family/friends, not sure what SIL does but if they do stockings only from FC and the rest from them, then my DC could understand that they have just been bought more because that is life rather than FC treating them differently. Will check what their system is.

DC are 7 and 5 so don't want to explain who really brings the presents just yet, chicaguapa.

Could you plan a really exciting fab treat day that your dc's would love, and doesn't cost too much (tall order I know) which FC can deliver in a cool way - could even things up a little? Tickets to something, boxes within boxes, glitter etc kind of idea? Especially if they don't have to wait too long for it. Make up tickets to go tobogganing at local ski slope, or train ride, bowling, whatever they like.

Claire, that is a great idea. Or some sort of video north pole message that they have to play which will make them feel really special. Think I would rather spend the money on that than if I found a nice hotel. Will get my thinking cap on, thank you!

Something similar happened to us when we spent Christmas with SIL. Her kids got mountains of presents and they had some ritual where you all had to open them one at a time so it went on for HOURS. We'd gone by train so hadn't taken much - kids (then aged 6 and 8) got a Wii which we'd left at home (with special instructions for Father Christmas!) so they had to sit through hours of present opening without much to show for it. The funny thing was my dcs were amazing about it - later in the day my ds who was only 6 came up to me and said quietly "You know what mum, they got loads of presents, but we got the best present" (referring to the Wii). I actually thought it was quite a good lesson for them in how more isn't always better and the amazing thing was they worked it out for themselves. Never again though - and we still talk about it!