Ahem. It's the 25th September, which means....

[FellatioNelson]

That I hereby declare the Fellatio's Poncetastic Christmas Thread Part 4 open for business.

For those of you who do not know WTF I am on about, read this from 2010 by way of explanation:

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

If you want to read the previous three threads for Christmas 2010, 2011 and 2012 search my name in the Christmas topic.

In the words of the great Mike Reid from Runaround, G-G-G-G-G- GO!

handsfull, hugly is my new favourite word, I'm adopting it into regular use, thanks!

MrsHoratio, do you have a lebkuchen recipe you'd reccomend? I love them, I really want to try making them!

How do we feel about gingerbread houses, are they poncetastic? Are there any rules about what can and cannot be used on a gingerbread house to make it poncey?

TheYami yes playdough recipe please!

Playdough recipe (with no formatting as I am on my phone supervising 2 children in the bath).

2 cups plain flour
1/2 cup salt
2 tbsp cream of tartar
2 tbsp mixed spice
2tbsp vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups of just-boiled water.

Mix the dry ingredients.
Add the oil

Add the water and mix.

Knead until it feels like playdough (about a minute).

For the orange one, I added food colouring with the water, and added a couple of spoonfuls of orange flavouring at the kneading stage.

Brilliant, thank you

Also, there is no spice in the orange one.

Wow! Wow! Wow!
Where has this thread been all my life?
I ADORE Christmas - the more poncetastic the better - but my friends and fam Just.Dont.Get. me It. (esp my MIL. She tuts at my OTTness every time she visits during December)
FINALLY I have fellow-poncers to get excited about wreaths and swags and candles and crackers with!
Oh My!!
How has nobody ever introduced me to Williams Sonoma before? LOVE!

I shall be back - off to re-read from beginning!

You guys are ace

at HesMyLobster.

Isaac I've just been reading your posts on Reastie's bargin thread. Between that thread and this one, can I come to yours for Christmas?
Pleeeeeaaaaase!!!!!

Especially for you Slipper and since you asked so nicely, here is my recipe for Lebkuchen:

Buy them from Aldi Sainsburys.

John Lewis do fill-your-own crackers normally in a couple of designs.

I've made my mincemeat with the apple and whisky recipe linked to the other day.

we have home made fill your own crackers. Dead easy to make: toilet roll tube cover in Christnassy fabric (just glue the fabric to the tube. Make a small in centre of the tube and add a small prettifier (we have plastic flowers or holly but you could go poncier). Attach colour co ordinated net to ends of each tube and tidy the join by glueing over a strip of co-ordinating Christmassy ribbon. Job done. Ours have lasted about 20 years so far!

Titsalina .... I use a "no-fail" pickled onion recipe. It is "no fail", because there is so little to do .........

Peel as many pickling onions as you want.
Put into a bowl. Dissolve 2oz table salt in a pint of water (scale up as needed) and pour over the onions, until covered. Weight down with a small plate. Leave for 48 hours.
Drain onions, and dry thoroughly.
Put into a Kilner jar and cover with Sarsons white pickling vinegar (the spicing is all in there for you!)
Close the lid .....and leave until Christmas.

If you like very crisp onions, you can use a dry brine rather than wet. Just layer the onions up in dry table salt, rather than in a dilution (NX : does take a lot of salt!)

I buy a kit of white make-your-own crackers from Hobbycraft/ JohnLewis (slightly larger so can fit more lovelies inside)
Then prettify and poncify with ribbons, fabric, posh handmade paper etc to match my theme. Last years were all red gingham ribbons and nordic reindeer - so beautiful!

Then I write each person's name on and use as a place setting.

I also fill with a personal gift - beautiful earrings for my mum every year, DDs' have had make up, tiny toys, jewellery (earrings the first year their ears were pierced, charms for Nomination bracelets which they both collect) last year(first year at secondary sch) they both received a personalised keyring with brand shiny new front door key attached - much excitement!

Last year I filled my DH, DD and DBs' with whiskey miniatures - really special, posh, single malt ones though - the kind that a full sized bottle would be £100+, but websites like This do miniature versions - they were all extremely chuffed with those. And it meant they didn't have to share open their new christmas gift full-sized bottles to have a special Christmas tipple.

I've also done photo-keyrings like these gorgeous things for all the adults.

This year my girls have asked if they can fill mine as a surprise! I usually just stick a couple of chocolates in that one at the last minute!

The crackers have become a wonderful tradition which the whole family really look forward to, which puts an enormous pressure on me to think of something original for this year I love

Any new suggestions of fillers gratefully received!

Loving all the ideas, thanks everyone

Lobster I had a at your dd being delighted with malt whiskey. They clearly develop a good palette early in your house!

Your ideas sound fab. I am planning on doing make your own crackers thus year for the first time, I have some schleich animals for my dds and a fire steel for dp.

TheOneWithTheHair, Of course! Just bring some Baileys :) I'm going to need it with all the gifts I have to wrap and all the poncy things I've got to make!

The miniature perfume/ aftershave tester bottles are quite good in crackers (I've got a 2ml Chanel no5 for SIL this year).

For my niece I've bought some make up. And before now I've bought the little packs of Crabtree & Evelyn hand treatments, taken them out of the box and into the
the cracker.

Memory sticks fit nicely, and I've just managed to fit a cigar in one before.

You can roll socks tightly and they fit. And socks are such a Christmas tradition! I imagine things like ties might fit too.

Paper vouchers, like amazon or theatre tickets etc are easy to fit. The credit card size plastic vouchers just don't quite do it.

I often put a troll bead in for DD, and other jewellery fits well.

We always used to have indoor fireworks in them when I was little. Everyone hands them over and they're set off at the end of the meal.

Any ideas for a cracker filling for a 1 year old boy gratefully received! Obviously anything small enough is too small for someone who puts anything in his mouth for a good chew.

Oooh Thankyou Bar, love the socks idea - would never have thought of that! Have seen some scrumptious looking Christmas socks around too, so that may be the way I go this year

ps I meant DF for the whiskey, not DD!!
although don't think my DD11 would complain, she seems to love all alcohol

The opposite of DD13 who won't drink anything but water anyway, and won't even try a sip of champagne at weddings unlike DD11 who went minesweeping after the toasts at wedding last week

Zeeky I hate christmas cake too! I've never made one or want to make one. I put my poncetastic skills into crafting and decorating for Christmas. The first year I was married and hosting I actually hand painted 12 wine glasses for Christmas dinner. 5 dc later I do not have the time for that but I still manage a poncetastic season!

Was just in Matalan yesterday and they have the most gorgeous red metal lanterns with hearts cut out around the sides. I don't see them online but they were just new in

I think I've solved the 1yr old's cracker too.

I wanted something he could collect/ add to, since we normally get DD a troll bead to add to her bracelet.

We're probably going to get him a set of the year's Christmas stamps. We can do it each year for much less than the beads and it's something he can keep.

We use the crackers as place cards too.

I've just bought the ingredients for my Christmas cake. Very excited! I usually let the fruit soak in chai tea as a non-boozy, child-friendly option...but I might just add a dash of brandy this year too. I base mine on this recipe in terms of timings and fruit quantities but tend to chuck in whatever dried fruit is on special offer.

This year will be the first year that we're in a house for Christmas, having lived in a poky flat for the last 15 years. So I now have a banister and a front door to decorate but sadly no fireplaces any more. Will compensate for lack of fireplaces by spending a fortune on candle and twinkly fairy lights.

Bring on the poncetastic preparations

Oh, need to start planning my gingerbread house (thanks for the reminder slippersock). It's a tradition I started a couple of years ago for the dc, we decorate it before going to the Christingle service on Christmas eve and then start munching on it when we get back. It's never a work of art, but it does make the house smell amazing and makes a good snack to leave out for Santa (last year some naughty reindeers had a nibble too ).

I've been contemplating buying the fairytale cottage mould from Lakeland this year and doing a gingerbread house for the dc to ruin decorate and a chocolate one for Christmas day...has anyone else bought it?

I'm on my way Isaac!

You don't mind if I turn up a bit early do you?

Hope you feel better soon.

You can help me with everything then

Thanks :)

Thanks to this thread I've just tucked four jars of very yummy looking homemade pickled gherkins in to the cupboard. Am I a bit sad because this has made me feel ridiculously cheery?