Ahem. It's the 25th September, which means....

[FellatioNelson]

That I hereby declare the Fellatio's Poncetastic Christmas Thread Part 4 open for business.

For those of you who do not know WTF I am on about, read this from 2010 by way of explanation:

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

If you want to read the previous three threads for Christmas 2010, 2011 and 2012 search my name in the Christmas topic.

In the words of the great Mike Reid from Runaround, G-G-G-G-G- GO!

Handsfull ill have you know we're very ponceychic in our gaff.....help yourself to a chic choccie

Hello, lurked last year and only managed one post to share my green tomato chutney. Love a poncey Christmas but never have enough time to do everything. This year however we already have a stack of pickles and jams made and I'm massively excited to see the pickled cucumber recipe, thanks byMoonlight; we have a massive load of them from our allotment and it'll save them going soft in a box!

Hope to join in a bit more this year, but as it's taken me all evening to read all your posts I expect I'll be mostly reading and lurking again!

@zeeky delia's is crap. Mary Berry does good Xmas stuff generally (her santa claus cake is great) so try hers.

Nigel Slater's Christmas pudding goes down well with people who 'don't like Chrismas pudding'. www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/christmaspudding_71054

Just had a look at the Poncetastic board on Pinterest.

I love, love the Jack Skellington decoration! It's our Christmas Eve film. I will be making a couple of those. :)

This isn't Christmas poncery, but could easily be adapted for Christmas. I have made 2 batches of playdough, one with a mixture of cinnamon and mixed spice and one with orange flavouring and food colouring. They smell lovely and will work well together even when mixed.

I am thinking of maybe making red cinnamon and white mint. Or green apple. You could end up with mincemeat flavour.

Still looking for a Christmas Organiser if anybody has any links or suggestions?

I'm a bit late with my christmas cakes this year but I think it's because I really want to try a new recipe. They have been a tad dry over the last couple of years - any tried and tested yummy fruit cake recipes?

I've also realised that I can no longer suffer in silence, trying to read this thread has made me realise I MUST go and get glasses this week.

TheYami that play dough sounds immense! How do you make it please?

zeeky I love Delia's mincemeat recipe. You put brandy in at the end so you can just miss that step out. I prefer oven cooking the mince meat at a low temperature. When finished there is a lot of fat but that's to coat everything.

I don't like Christmas pudding or marzipan but I do like a mince pie with brandy butter

I've got a lovely pastry recipe for mince pies too (with ground almonds and orange zest).

Can I ponce?

We're having dinner out in a posh restaurant down the road from us so I thought I'd concentrate on decoration booze and the Boxing Day buffet for the fam.

That Calvados looks lovely, I'm definitely getting in on that. I have a few Kilmer type glass bottles that would look nice all pounced up any ideas what I can fill them with?

Also, stupid question alert! With Delia's mincemeat do I use beef suet?

titsalina Yes, beef suet is what I use. If cooking for vegetarians, you can use veg suet.

Huzzah! I have a pallet load of masonry jars in my loft (don't ask) I shall get DP to fetch them tonight and start the Christmas prep.

I also need a no fail pickled onion recipe and one for Gherkins, I chuffing love gherkins.

I've ordered my Christmas planner and I have the go ahead to,order £50 worth of stuff at Lakeland to get free wine, I just don't know what to order...

Titsalina someone added a gherkin recipe on page one of tge thread, I've not tried it but it looks yum.

Can I ask a stupid question please? I've got 3 Christmas cakes worth of fruit soaking in brandy in covered bowls (one of them is soaking in a little brandy but then I ran out and put in brewed tea- I hope this'll taste ok- the recipe did say you could use tea for it. It's going to be turned into those Christmas cake balls covered in chocolate up thread).

I was going to make them into cakes yesterday but I've got a horrid cold and am laid up on the sofa with little energy enough to MN though How long will they be ok for soaking up the alcohol/tea? Thanks

My poncing question of the day - I've got my slows and I want to start my gin off today, but can someone tell me how to clean the needle for pricking? Other than washing it, obviously, but do I need to sterilize it or something?

Sloes, obviously, stupid autocorrect making me look illiterate!

At I never bother - the sloes are going in alcohol after all - but you could stick it in a cork and heat it with a flame (gas cooker or match) or let it sit in some Milton or something

Zeeky you're not the only one - it's perfectly possible to be poncetastic without liking mincemeat, cake or even pudding. I do make my own pudding but I never make mincemeat and not even DH likes christmas cake much except the marzipan and icing so my mum always does that. Oddly, I do Lebkuchen, those German biscuits but we always had those as kids so maybe that's it.

Isaac I soaked my fruit for 5 days. I don't think it matters how long you soak it.

Thank you MrsHoratio

Brilliant, thanks Anne :)

as I've not been poncetastic enough Although I have started learning knitting and crochet (former is a lot neater than latter) so are there any simple but poncy crafts I could make bearing in mind I'm confused with technical terms?

I need to sort out my HM mincemeat and Christmas cake. We have some lovely recipes from DHs mother so they are our family traditions and very very lovely.

I will be making mincemeat cake type bars for DHs work the tour before Christmas so I will have to make a lot of it!

A few more questions (please, bare with me, I didn't ponce last year as I had a baby a few days old and bad pnd)

Gherkins/cucumbers, can I use regular cucumbers? I haven't a clue where to get small ones from..

Also, I have many Kilner type bottles, can anyone give me some easy alcohol recipes for them? I'll do one with the Calvados mix in but I have so many that I'd like to fill.

How does sloe gone work?

Also rum, I'd love a spiced rum recipe of some kind.

Now making my Mary Berry Christmas Chutney. The kitchen smells lovely.
Planted up some more bulbs yesterday for flower arrangements. I found some lovely scandi style ribbons in The Range very cheaply and a large nordic patterned advent candle in Sainsburys. Feel like I've finally made a start.My library book "Handmade Scandinavian Christmas" by Hege Barnholt has arrived- its gorgeous.

I do a traffic light chilli jam selection, I use Nigella's chilli jam and then make it in green and orange as well as the traditional red. My sister goes nuts for a chilli jam, she'd be devastated if I didn't give her some with her pressies

Titsalina I am using this recipe for sloe gin , except I'm freezing the sloes, then using them from frozen without pricking (my neighbour tells me the alcohol will split the frozen berries and save me time).

I am also making rhubarb vodka and blackberry brandy and I'd like to have a go at some schnapps .