Ahem. It's the 25th September, which means....

[FellatioNelson]

That I hereby declare the Fellatio's Poncetastic Christmas Thread Part 4 open for business.

For those of you who do not know WTF I am on about, read this from 2010 by way of explanation:

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

If you want to read the previous three threads for Christmas 2010, 2011 and 2012 search my name in the Christmas topic.

In the words of the great Mike Reid from Runaround, G-G-G-G-G- GO!

Can we talk about crackers?

I am flummoxed. They are all so expensive and yet rubbish.

Do I have to make my own? Or has anyone seen any nice poncey ones?

I looked at Fortnum & Mason even, just to do at how some rich buggers must do Christmas... stares at crackers like Tiny Tim

I am making my own crackers this year, keep buying little things when I see them, got a "special cracker bag" at the bottom of my wardrobe!

What kind of things, leesmum?

Glitter they're not massively difficult, tbh. You can get kits off tinternet. What about alcohol miniatures or just some nice chocs wrapped in a little bit of cellophane? Nail polish/lipsticks for ladies would fit as well.

Glitter, I made crackers for my December wedding the other year. I got kits from Hobbycraft (silver glitter ones) filled them with a joke, a fact card, a glow stick (for the reception) small tube of bubbles and a typical cracker hat (I think that's it, can't remember!) They went down a storm. I'm not sure when or if they already have the kits in store but it's worth a look to see if there's any you like the look of. I'm pretty sure they may have been on 3 for 2 or some other offer.

Ladies crackers...mini lip gloss, sparkly stud ear rings, chocolates.

Men's crackers, mini fcuk aftershave, scratchcard, chic liquers.

Kids crackers, tattoos, angrybirds tat, sweets, chic coins

Choc liquers not chic!!

Hooray -- another year of poncetastic preparations!

I absolutely loved this, upthread: "eagerly devouring the ponce." That's me, too -- eagerly devouring the ponce as I read through this thread, and click on each and every link.

I've never looked at notonthehighstreet until today, and I have to ask: how many families have printed Christmas menu cards?! Really, I need to know.

I'm thinking of making a garland for the banister out of book pages (just like a very ponce-y woman I knew did). Passé? Aside from any style violations, I'm having trouble finding one to copy because A) nothing I have found by googling looks as full and rounded as hers, and B) they do seem to be more for Halloween, and I'm not sure how to make them Christmassy rather than spooky. I have a pretty big banister for the first time ever, and I couldn't find or buy enough greenery to make it look appropriately abundant.

Oh goodness, I can't resist any longer! If I start now I reckon it may be possible to ponce without breaking down? Hmmm, what poncetasticness can I offer? As a part Dane I know how Christmas is done properly. For starters, danish Christmas biscuits are the bees knees, so I will have a sizeable stash unbaked in my freezer ready to whip out and cook in 10 minutes for cinnamony kitchen wonderfulness. I am doing a mega cook this weekend, Mary Berry's Victorian Christmas cake, Delia's mincemeat and Christmas pud. English side of family well catered for too! Big respect to all you who also know how these things are done, I salute you.

Irene, how about a Christmas sheet music garland? How cute would that be (although distinctly impractical probably!)

Leesmum, can I have a chic liquer?

Leesmum, can I have a chic liquer?

My cake is in the oven! I have everything crossed for it to turn out well.

I have a confession fellow poncers.... Last year I used (whisper it) aunt Bessie's gravy. Mine was SO atrocious. I am ashamed, and I wondered if I should be shunned and ostracised from poncery altogether... OR if I make a real effort this year if I can be allowed to ponce once more.

does not admit that ruined gravy was down to some beautiful skittle vodka

Handful, could you share your biscuit recipe, please?

Sorry for mangling your name. I was autocorrected.

£50 for crackers? eeeeek... ok, we tend to go cheap with the crackers and be very non-ponce - mainly because I hate the cheap little toys all over and am not interested in paying a fortune for the more expensive ones. We buy very inexpensive ones that don't have a toy.

The ribbons I ordered from Crafty Ribbons also arrived today. Very exciting. I think I may have got a bit carried away and probably have enough for the next five Christmases .

Yami, tomorrow when the littlest one goes down for his nap, I will share two Danish biscuit recipes. The world needs more cinnamon.

I was going to ask for the biscuit recipe too. Thank you HandsFull.

I bought some lovely silver and black ribbon today from B&M Bargins. I use black and silver as my main colours every year and choose a different accent colour. This year is red and last year was blue.

Oooooo I lurve cinnamon! I would love the recipe too please.

Ugh Handsful the one thing the world does not need is more cinnamon

oh no, cinnamon is lovely. I cannot wait to get out my cinnamon scented candles.

I'm just grateful I do like cinnamon, its a bit like marmite isn't it? Provided it is done carefully, you won't find a warmer fuzzier spice! The Danes have a word, hugly, which means just that, cosy, snugglybuggly. Cinnamon is hugly. Gavel.

A bit of a confession here....[whispers] I have never made my own mincemeat before and actually hate Christmas pudding and Christmas cake!

There, it's out in the open now! But I do plan to make some mincemeat this year. I was wondering what the best recipe is? I don't like boozy mincemeat though. Should I use Delia or Mary Berry or I found this one from Cherry Menlove. Any advice from seasoned mincemeat makers?