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Christmas

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to not want parents-in-law on xmas day

134 replies

iluvchips · 13/10/2011 20:26

this will be our first christmas as a family of four and am thinking what 'traditions' I'd like to establish for our family for the big day. The trouble is with my mother-in-law. She's great with our children-especially our 2yr old daughter-her only granddaughter- playing with her and everything. It's just that I always feel like I have to take a 'back-seat' when she's around because she kind of takes over and dominates my DD's play and attention. She's just in my DD's face and doesn't let anyone else 'in'. I know I'd feel a bit resentful for doing all the cooking and have hardly anytime myself to play with DD and her new toys on Christmas day. Am I being selfish to keep MIL away from her only grandchildren on Christmas day? Should I just grin and bare it, after all my DD loves her gran and my DS will too, though he's only a baby right now. Would it be selfish to just keep Christmas day for just the four of us and see them on boxing day every year, the same as my parents- who, I hasten to add, I don't have this problem with. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

OP posts:
MNHQ
CatherineMumsnet · 14/10/2011 10:02

Hi all, just to let you know we're going to move this over to the Christmas topic

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 10:02

Too soft for sure. It doesn't have to be total exclusion or total acquiescence, though.

wordfactory · 14/10/2011 10:02

I think there are two isues which affect many families.

  1. the nuclear family do not have the rest of the year to enjoy themselves. What with work and other commitments, Christmas is the only time when they wind down and spend time at home with absolutely nothing else to do (other holidays are taken away).
  1. distance means guest often outstay their welcome. I'm sure any of us could thoroughly enjoy guests arriving at noon armed with bottles of good wine, leaving later that day or perhaps the following morning. Bit for many of us Christmas is like running a five star hotel.

I dunno, I still have my Mum over every year, and in laws too often for comfort, but last eyar when snow kept everyone away was bliss.

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 10:03

But I don't want to post on the Christmas topic! Humph.

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 10:05

Is no 1 the case here? I don't think the op has suggested it?

wordfactory · 14/10/2011 10:10

No but it's common no?

To be honest I was only ever happy for someone else to play with my DC when they were tiny...I'd much rather be cooking and sipping champagne. But DH who works very long hours used to get very irritated so I can understand it.

ArtVandelay · 14/10/2011 10:10

Morloth I can imagine - still, its a nice idea!
Tryingtoleave :)

iluv PILs are a pain - mine are just gloomy, just total whiney fun killers. I just feel like I should do my best when they are here - but its pretty soul destroying. Fortunately my DH thinks so too, so its kind of nice to have a common enemy!

Can you take a middle ground and have them every other year. Have light chores for them when are there so you can spend more time with your DCs - get them to bring some cooked food even. At least your DCs are at their own home for Xmas. My cousin goes purple with rage every time she think about her childhood Xmas's getting dragged round relatives houses and not able to play with her new toys :(

winefairy · 14/10/2011 10:13

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wordfactory · 14/10/2011 10:15

And to be fair, for some guest it is total acquiesance or exclusion. My Mum has to use public transport so she comes from xmas eve to 27th..or not at all.

And the in laws refuse to come for less despite having a car because 'it's not worth it for less time'. Last year was the first Christmas morning since the children were born where we weren't being filmed as we came down the stairs.

Jdub · 14/10/2011 10:16

I'd keep mine away permanently if it was up to me! However, we had a family Christmas last year, with both sets of grandparents, this year, we will have them all over on Boxing Day instead and enjoy the day just as a 4.

pommedechocolat · 14/10/2011 10:17

Word - I agree with you. My MIL is very dominating with dd and it annoys me because it doesn't feel 'right' to me but it plain upsets dh because he doesn't get to spend much time with her and so to lose a weekend/holiday time as well because MIL 'takes over' so much upsets him. He hates upsetting his mum though so normally chooses to upset himself.

As a child we always stayed at home and gp's came at lunch time and left after tea. The couple of years we had to go to theirs I hated it! I am from this Xmas on establishing Xmas always here so that the kids can have Xmas at home with their toys.

grumpybat · 14/10/2011 10:18

Hum. I think it's good to have family around at Christmas. We do our nuclear family bit on Christmas eve. Pick the goose up, lunch in the local pub (local to the farm, not our house- our local is a dump!) and then home for open fires and the snowman on tv etc. We then have a little tree in our room which we put stockings etc around and we open them in bed with dd on Christmas morning.
We get to my dads about midday for the full on in-law/out-law extended family shindig and have boxing day at our house with (slightly less) family.
Christmas eve is our day for just the three of us- it's the most magical of them all for kids imo.

wordfactory · 14/10/2011 10:20

Yes my DH gets very glum at xmas.

He just wants to rest and hang out wiht the DC...instead we have a houseful of guests for four days. And he doesn't even get on with his parents, I only invite them because I feel guilty.

Trills · 14/10/2011 10:20

I don't ever intend to have a "big family Christmas". I like my parents and my in laws but I'd much rather visit the or have them visit on another day that does not have the same pressure to be "magical".

wordfactory · 14/10/2011 10:22

grumpy I dream of a xmas eve like that.

Mine consists of getting the guest rooms ready, collecting my Mohter from train station, feeding guests, clearing up after guests...

somethingwillturnup · 14/10/2011 11:58

I haven't read the whole thread, but is my dad the only parent who INSISTS it's Christmas for my immediate family (now just me and the kids) and will come over on Boxing Day? He has always said now it's time for your family to have Christmas and I'll come down and eat all your food/drink all your alcohol/play with the kids toys/watch your cable on Boxing Day.

Unfortunately the other sets of grandparents don't come into it (deceased, religious) so my dad was really the only consideration. And he wouldn't hear of it.

girlywhirly · 14/10/2011 12:44

I think have the day to yourselves, and think about inviting ILS for tea on Christmas day, thus letting her see the DGC and limiting the time she can get on your nerves.

However, If you don't see your parents on Christmas day, I don't see why you should always see the ILS. This year in the UK we have a run of four days, Sat Christmas eve to Tues Bank hol. I think one day to yourselves out of four is reasonable.

ReastieHorrorShow · 14/10/2011 17:20

omg omg. not read the thread answers but your mil issues sound just like mine! i am hoping to this year (dds 1st chrimbo) have pil over on boxing day, it won't be this way every year but for this one i hope this works out. can you invite them for tea so you get lunch with your family? or see them every other year? never having christmas with them seems a shame

Original poster
iluvchips · 14/10/2011 17:25

I too am amazed at how strongly some people have responded to my original post and how a couple have been eager to judge my whole life and future happiness as a grandma from a mere 13 lines of text!! Shocking! (I only joined mumsnet lastnight- and I really just wanted to share a grizzle). Am still waiting to hear from my parents-if they have to work on Boxing Day or not. If they are, then we'll have Christmas Eve as a foursome, parents over on Christmas Day and see PIL, SILs and BIL on Boxing Day. If not then probably have everyone over on Boxing Day. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts though-is interesting to see such a diverse range of opinions.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 14/10/2011 17:30

Nothing wrong with having Christmas as a family of four, you can chose.

We always have Christmas day just the three of us and it is lovely. We see family on Christmas eve and Boxing Day and other days besides. We speak to parents and pils on Christmas Day.

But Christmas day is just for us. It is the one day of the year that we save as "just us". We please ourselves what we do, we chose what we eat and when, we go for a walk, we play with toys, we enjoy food and drink, we have fun. We don't have the stresses of fitting in with other people's wants on Christmas Day.

And for us it is a special day. It definitely doesn't feel like just any other day.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 14/10/2011 17:37

I find it a bit sad that you would consider excluding them to be honest. They are family too.

I'm different though, in that I love the fact that my mother and mil monopolise my daughter - gives me a chance to chill out and potter in the kitchen in peace! But then, I am a SAHM and live hours away from family, so perhaps that makes a difference.

LoveInAColdGrave · 14/10/2011 17:47

Well, as said above, I still think you reap what you sow, and that if you teach your children that's it's fine not to invite grandparents on Christmas Day, you may have some lonely Christmases lined up in future years, but I really do hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 14/10/2011 17:49

I also agree with post above. We always had big family christmases with everyone invited (20 people sometimes!) and that to me is what it is all about. I can't imagine, and wouldn't want, to have christmas with just my dh and dd. It would seem a bit sad somehow.

Chestnutx3 · 14/10/2011 17:56

still think you reap what you sow - god you sound like my MIL. You have never experienced my family, you can bend over backwards for people for years and when you need a tiny bit of help you get kicked in the teeth.

It would be wonderful to have a big family christmas if MIL hadn't created a situation that all the siblings are at war, a few divorces didn't happen, and people lived in the same country/continent.

LoveInAColdGrave · 14/10/2011 18:02

Chestnutx3 - that's very sad, I'm sorry to hear that. Although maybe in that situation (divorces and I assume emigration aside) your MIL has reaped what she's sown if the family difficulties boil down to her and she is presumably thus deprived of family Christmases. I hope things calm down for you and you get a family Christmas soon.

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