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Original poster

to not want parents-in-law on xmas day

134 replies

iluvchips · 13/10/2011 20:26

this will be our first christmas as a family of four and am thinking what 'traditions' I'd like to establish for our family for the big day. The trouble is with my mother-in-law. She's great with our children-especially our 2yr old daughter-her only granddaughter- playing with her and everything. It's just that I always feel like I have to take a 'back-seat' when she's around because she kind of takes over and dominates my DD's play and attention. She's just in my DD's face and doesn't let anyone else 'in'. I know I'd feel a bit resentful for doing all the cooking and have hardly anytime myself to play with DD and her new toys on Christmas day. Am I being selfish to keep MIL away from her only grandchildren on Christmas day? Should I just grin and bare it, after all my DD loves her gran and my DS will too, though he's only a baby right now. Would it be selfish to just keep Christmas day for just the four of us and see them on boxing day every year, the same as my parents- who, I hasten to add, I don't have this problem with. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

OP posts:
IwanttobeShirleyValentine · 13/10/2011 22:58

Put your foot down now or you will be like me. 16 years down the line and NEVER been able to actually enjoy a christmas.

Well - that depends on your in laws I suppose. If they are nice people and get on with them, then I would imagine Xmas day would not be an issue.

It becomes an issue when people are not your choice to spend time with. Its all well and good being the doting DIL and "doing the right thing for the poor old, old people" but what about you?

I dont think its right that EVERY year anyone should be forced to spend time with people who make them miserable or uncomfortable year in year out!

Break tradition now. Perhaps if ILs know they wont be coming to you EVERY year but on some kind of compromising circle basis, they wont be on their own at Xmas because they could make other arrangements to spend it with other relations or friends or go away etc etc.

Or you could be like me! Lack the back bone to stand up for 1 year just 1 Xmas you would really like and just get lumbered with it despite not enjoying it. My kids are 13 and 10. I have never enjoyed a full Xmas day with them. I have however, enjoyed certain moments of Xmas day with them - before the ILs have turned up.

Its an easy compromise if they are local. You can pop in to see them or just invite them for lunch or Xmas tea for a few hours but if you are like us and live miles away then you could be lumbered for several days. One year they stayed for 3 weeks! Yes 3 whole weeks!!

DrCoconut · 14/10/2011 00:00

We had Christmas with just the (then) 3 of us. DH's family tradition is that you don't have anyone round or go away for your first Christmas in a new house. He wanted to do it and I agreed. It was weird and empty without everyone round. Didn't like it at all. I am so glad that I had my grandparents around when I was little and miss them now they are gone. There are years to be "alone" when the older relatives have passed on. I'd say unless there are very serious issues make the most of them while they are here.

minimisschief · 14/10/2011 00:29

why not just tell people to come after12 so you have the morning to yourselves. not hard is it

Morloth · 14/10/2011 01:12

I don't really get these threads.

I understand not wanting someone around if they are controlling or abusive.

I really hope that Mumsnet is still around when a lot of the anti MIL posters are MILs themselves and their children have learned that you don't need to consider your parents feelings once you are an adult.

Your kids are watching and learning how to treat you in the years to come. My boys are learning that Christmas is a fun time where people come over and we go visiting and there are lots of lovely things to eat and people tell you how much they love you. And even if someone is a bit awkward that is OK especially if you are in the fortunate position of having a family of your own that you can extend to share with them.

marriedinwhite · 14/10/2011 06:50

Morloth I think that's unfair - like Liege above my in-laws have never visited for less than a five day stretch and have often extended it to beyond a week (well only MIL now). I have done every Xmas apart from two in the last twenty years - the only year I said no and SIL had to step in was when my father was terminally ill and I shall never forget the extent to which my MIL showed off because I said I couldn't handle hosting Xmas that year because the call from the hospice could come at any minute.

Our children have seen my DH and I do our duty towards both sets of parents continually and with a great deal of care but with very little thanks or appreciation. I wouldn't dream of not having MIL for Xmas in spite of the fact that DH's SILs wouldn't put themselves out for her and have never done so. I have never so much as a received a note of thanks or a bunch of flowers after the event but I have received a letter from NZ based SIL telling me that MIL will need a lot of support now she's on her own and she hopes I realise it - the SIL who has bothered coming home twice in 20 years and didn't come for her father's funeral Angry

However, I made a rod for my own back and created a situation that is now expected by everyone when not everyone pulls their weight or has ever don so. I am simply saying that earlier on in a marriage it might be a good idea to to be a bit assertive and make sure you don't end up being taken for granted.

Georgimama · 14/10/2011 06:55

What Morloth said.

LoveInAColdGrave · 14/10/2011 07:08

I agree with Morloth.

As well as grandparents staying for usually at least a week as a child, we usually had one or two stray old ladies who would otherwise have been alone. I loved it, and hope to be able to give the same kind of Chrismases to my DCs - pregnant with my first.

YellowDave · 14/10/2011 07:14

I don't get these threads either.

On the one hand people are saying 'have a heart its a family day' yet the very same posters then go on to sy 'its just another day you have the reast of the year to do family stuff'. Well which is it?

Imho I don't see why Christmas means you always have to do what someone else wants to the expense of your own enjoyment, especially if they are not on their own.

Personally I would find it wrong to ALWAYS exclude relatives (unless they are abusive / there are other issues) but to have a year to yourself every one or 2 years? Not unreasonable at all. Especially in this scenario where MIL has a dh and other relatives to spend the day with.

And to those who say that they pity mums of boys who will be a MIL one day if this is how MILs get treated? Well that is me. The boys see me making a lot of effort with family ALL THE TIME and I don't think they get a bad message if they see me priortise our family occasionally tbh. And as a MIL I damn well won't be expecting to spend every Christmas with my sons and their families either.

If it helps we haven't decided what we are doing this year but Christmas as a family of 4 sounds blissfull.

Morloth · 14/10/2011 07:18

OP said nothing about any backstory marriedinwhite, she appears to not want to invite her MIL because she is jealous of the relationship she has with her DD.

People who are this controlling when it comes to 'their' family are the ones who turn into the nightmare MILs IMO. They continue to want their traditions at any cost.

When you are part of a happy family unit you are in a position of privilege and power, it is easy from there to extend that to other people. Not so easy when you are outside of the immediate unit.

My FIL is a bit awkward, it is just the way he is. But he is my husband's father and my children's grandfather, it would be out of the question for him to be excluded from our family. No duty, just love, even if not love for him particularly love for my DH and kids.

We have a busy Christmas this year, visiting friends the week before, all of the inlaws at our place for the weekend, half of my family coming for the day and then a long drive to see the other half on Boxing Day. I will be knackered. But the kids will love it.

Sushiqueen · 14/10/2011 07:32

I would say do what suits you as a family. Your MIL is not on her own she still has her husband and her daughter & partner. So she is not being left out at all as some of the others have said.

We have spent most of our Christmases with family from one side or the other. And yes generally they have been great fun as well as including hassle and a lot of driving on occasions.

This year though DD (9) has asked if it can be just us 3 for Christmas. She is more than happy to see family and friends over the period but she wants the actual day to be just us, so that she can slob out in peace without having to get dressed if she doesn't want to.

So that is what we are doing. The families have all been told and they are fine about it. They know they will see her and she is happy as she gets to celebrate several times.

Another thing we started doing was having the main meal on Christmas Eve, that meant if there were any family around on Christmas Day they knew it was a relaxed day. Brunch in the morning and then easy food later on. Far less stressful for me as I wasn't in the kitchen all day.

mollschambers · 14/10/2011 07:43

I agree with Morloth.

Your DD will, presumably, be delighted to have Granny there.

How does DH feel about it? His mother after all. If he wants her there then I suggest you accept that fact graciously.

I honestly think you'll be left feeling like shit if you try and force her out.

mollschambers · 14/10/2011 07:46

The fact that there are other family members PIL could be with is pretty much irrelevant really as OP's DD is only GC. Of course the PIL want to see their only GC on Christmas Day.

mollschambers · 14/10/2011 07:48

Problem will be solved when SIL has a baby OP. Tell her to hurry up Wink

Sushiqueen · 14/10/2011 07:54

The fact that there are other family members PIL could be with is pretty much irrelevant really as OP's DD is only GC. Of course the PIL want to see their only GC on Christmas Day.

She is not the only GC though, there is also a DS. And the OP didn't say that her parents had any other GC. So it may be that the OP's children are also their only GC as well. But they are happy to see them on Boxing Day.

What does your DH? Can you have Christmas Day for the four of you and then both sets of family round on boxing day for a more relaxed day (or go to see them for lunch/dinner)? That way your children will get to celebrate twice and you won't be so stressed.

As much as your parents and the PIL's love the grandchildren, surely they wouldn't want you to be stressed and hassled over the whole thing.

manicbmc · 14/10/2011 08:04

I don't get this whole 'mothers having to martyr themselves' attitude about Christmas. It's a whole festive period for family but if you want the actual day to be just you and the kids, then do it. I also don't get the 'you'll regret it' or 'your so lucky to still have whichever parent'. I've been without my parents for over 10 years. Yes, one day they won't be there but it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice every special occasion to them. They sound like they are quite able to entertain themselves on the day.

It's fair enough if someone would be on their own but the OPs mil won't be. And it's not as if she won't be able to see her grandkids at all, Boxing day and the 27th this year are bank holidays.

I'll most certainly not be imposing myself on my kids when they are adults and have their own places. I would hate the idea of it being a 'duty' to have me visit.

2rebecca · 14/10/2011 08:04

I think having some Christmas days just the 4 of you is fine. Your parents aren't coming so I'm not sure why you are querying inviting the inlaws. If you want a Christmas of just the 4 of you and your husband is happy with this then do it. There are loads of other days to see other relatives and as you say your PILs have each other, plus another child.
My parents didn't get to see their grandkids every Christmas when they were young, neither did inlaws and we sometimes had quiet Christmases, although generally I did go to relatives (or they come here) but then I liked them and they weren't overpowering. Asking her to not take over might help, or your husband could ask her, tell her she maybe isn't aware she is doing it but it does make you feel pushed out by her. Do this after Christmas though. Some people make silly fusses over Christmas and it all being about small children being the centre of a large family "show" as the main attraction. I hate that.

margerykemp · 14/10/2011 08:08

If it's your only day off then fix that. Take every 3rd sunday during the year as a family pyjama day.

By ruining your mils xmas you are making yourself a scrooge.

manicbmc · 14/10/2011 08:09

Why should she ruin her own Christmas to make her mil happy?

Bledkr · 14/10/2011 08:19

It depends on what they do really i think.If you have great pils or ps who muck in and help then its fine.My pils dont lift a finger even when i was pg and 2 days after a section,they expect food constantly and hint for it and just sit on their arses.For that reason having them at xmas would ruin my day and the childrens as id be stuck in the kitchen. I have 3 grown up children and 2 little ones,i have even had to say to my boys now they have partners just to come around lunchtime this year as the house is quite small and there isnt room for everyone whilst cooking for 14 it just gets too muchand i do want to spend some time with the girls looking at their new toys etc.I think people should involve family but not at cost to themselves,everyone is entitled to enjoy xmas.

HappyJoy · 14/10/2011 08:24

think how you would feel if shoe were on other foot and you were the granny who wasnt allowed to spend christmas with her grandkids. Just for a few seconds think how sad that would make you

manicbmc · 14/10/2011 08:30

Yes, because us mothers need more guilt Hmm

Morloth · 14/10/2011 08:30

There is no need to matyr yourself. You don't have to be the one doing all the running around and cooking, I know I won't be, delegate and make sure everyone does a bit so no-one has to do everything. How would having people in the house who love your kids and who your kids love 'ruin' your Christmas?

I don't really understand all this stuff, I think perhaps we don't take Christmas as seriously as the Brits, often the meal is a BBQ and the kids play with their toys and everyone drinks a bit too much and just generally relaxes together. People are in and out throughout the day including neighbours and random ring ins.

manicbmc · 14/10/2011 08:31

It is serious. Grin

I get the impression that the pil don't help out much and just add to the stress.

Iteotwawki · 14/10/2011 08:32

I think YABU, but I also th

Iteotwawki · 14/10/2011 08:38

Buggering iPhone.

I think you're being unreasonable, but I also think you're going to do whatever you want regardless of opinion on here (though you might selectively remember some posters more than others if they support you).

Why should your husband's mother be barred from seeing her only grandchildren on Christmas? When your son and daughter grow up, how will you feel if they both think "mum has dbro/dsis to spend Christmas with, I don't want her here" - what if your MiL's daughter and her boyfriend spend Christmas with the boyfriend's parents?

I had fabulous Christmases with grandparents staying. Not until years later (after both had died) did I learn how hard my mother found the visits from her MiL. She hid it from everyone and that graciousness allowed me to have fantastic relationships with my grandmothers. I only hope to be half as good with my MiL!