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Original poster

to not want parents-in-law on xmas day

134 replies

iluvchips · 13/10/2011 20:26

this will be our first christmas as a family of four and am thinking what 'traditions' I'd like to establish for our family for the big day. The trouble is with my mother-in-law. She's great with our children-especially our 2yr old daughter-her only granddaughter- playing with her and everything. It's just that I always feel like I have to take a 'back-seat' when she's around because she kind of takes over and dominates my DD's play and attention. She's just in my DD's face and doesn't let anyone else 'in'. I know I'd feel a bit resentful for doing all the cooking and have hardly anytime myself to play with DD and her new toys on Christmas day. Am I being selfish to keep MIL away from her only grandchildren on Christmas day? Should I just grin and bare it, after all my DD loves her gran and my DS will too, though he's only a baby right now. Would it be selfish to just keep Christmas day for just the four of us and see them on boxing day every year, the same as my parents- who, I hasten to add, I don't have this problem with. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

OP posts:
Chestnutx3 · 14/10/2011 08:40

Invite them from xmas eve or boxing day if YOU WANT TO, have Xmas on your own its fun. You don't have to worry too much about dinner, have it early not 2/3pm when the young DC should be asleep/starving. Let the kids play with their toys. Maybe invite them for after lunch for mince peas and coffee if you WANT to. It is so less stressful.

Its your christmas too, stuff um. MIL acted so rudely last christmas (she didn't come to christmas lunch despite an invite but lied about what she was doing) that I feel I never have to invite her again yippee and I never will.

I just avoid the conversation about what we are doing for christmas until its too late!

Morloth · 14/10/2011 08:40

We spent last year attempting to make waves in the pool big enough for my extremely drunk brother to surf on DS's new surf board.

The PILs not helping out is a reason to not invite them, the MIL having a great time with the DD is not.

LoveInAColdGrave · 14/10/2011 08:45

Reduce the cooking stress by doing as much prep as possible the day before, with PILs helping. Anything you can't be bothered to prep, buy ready prepared from M&S. That frees you up to spend more time with your DCs on Christmas Day itself.

manicbmc · 14/10/2011 08:47

Or, if it's really going to cause major ructions if they don't get an invite, have them over for a Christmas tea (turkey sandwiches etc). Less stressful and you can just bung a few buffet offerings out. That way they get to see the kids and you get your Christmas morning and dinner with your kids and dp.

OriginalGhoster · 14/10/2011 08:54

I love having extra people on Christmas, they are great at extricating the toys which are attached to the packaging with ties, assembling said toys, charging up electronic stuff, programming more electronic stuff, getting rid of packaging, playing with dcs. Cooking for a large amount of people whilst looking after 4dcs who are all wanting to play with their new toys is not my idea of fun! I love it that there are other people around to help with the meal, then we have all cooked it, and if we have too much champagne before lunch, someone might remember to put the potatoes on... I love watching the rest of the family interacting with each other, it's like seeing the dcs through someone else's eyes. I do get sad that both my dad and dhs dad are no longer with us, and that the grandmas are getting older...

Just let your dcs enjoy their grand parents, they won't be around forever. If MIL is hogging your DD too much, just ask her to do something in the kitchen, put her in charge of veg or setting the table. She is hardly going to refuse to help?

porcamiseria · 14/10/2011 09:01

yes very selfish

Jelly15 · 14/10/2011 09:01

Looking back at my childhood Christmases the best ones were when Grandparents came, either set. The years it was just my parents, sisters and I were lovely but the GPs made it even more special. I know my mum and her MIL didn't have much in common but they always made an effort for my Dad and us kids sake.

My parents come every Christmas day, late morning and leave at 5ish for tea at my DSis. My FIL passed away before DSs were born and MIL and SIL always came for boxing day lunch, until she died, now only SIL on boxing day.

My MIL would turn up at 11.45am and leave half an hour after lunch, not before telling me that I shouldn't let DH wash the dishes he needs to rest on his day off, even though I worked too, finished my shift 11.00 pm Xmas eve. She hardly bothered with DSs and would say I always put too much food on her plate, but would eat the lot, but she was DH mum and my kids grandmother, so I kept my thoughts to myself. In contrast my parents would get down on the floor to play with the kids and help with the cooking and generally be great fun.

So it all boils down to how much she contributes to the day but not only in your eyes but that of your DH and children, and after all it is the season of goodwill and a Christian festival so show a bit of compassion

ArtVandelay · 14/10/2011 09:04

Envy at own pool for drunken xmas antics

Faffalina · 14/10/2011 09:06

Hmmmm. I think it's a tough one tbh. I do not believe that people think you should "have" to have her over every year. Surely the odd year off would be fine!

As a couple, my DP and I have always done one Xmas at my parents' and the other at his parents'. However, now we have a DD and she is the in-laws' only GC. I think we will continue to alternate for now, as although the in-laws will want to see their only GC I think it will be boring for DD to be the only child all the time at Xmas! At my parents' place there will be four little cousins to play with.

Chestnutx3 · 14/10/2011 09:06

Some people love big family gatherings where everybody is relaxed. others prefer to be just round their own family - thats not selfish.

Having PIL who don't help, some don't play with the kids at all just stare at the TV all day, MIL comments about how you have made all the elements of your christmas dinner and how she would have done it differently or how better her daughters food is, its not fun, let go of it.

Enjoy your christmas how YOU want to. If people wanted to be invited over to behave badly stop inviting them - often leads to a marked changed in behaviour IME.

LtAllHallowsEve · 14/10/2011 09:06

For the last 3 years we have driven all the way to MILs home to organise Xmas (7 hr drive). If we didnt go, she wouldn't do Xmas at all. My parents always go to my sisters, so we tend to see them for a couple of days before and after.

At MILs I always end up cooking for at least 16 people (there is always someone else invited) and the day is busy, stressful and I tend to go to bed with a banging headache.

Last year we go snowed in. Had to change our plans completly as there was no way we were going to make it to MILs. Xmas day was Me, DH and DD...

It was bloody boring.

Sod the making traditions for our family. I missed the hustle and bustle. I missed tipsy MIL offering me Whiskey . I missed FIL winding up DD - and DD getting her own back by plastering him in make-up when he fell asleep. I missed FIL being given the worlds biggest turkey and me having to chop its legs off to get in in the oven. I missed hysterical me screaming at DNephew to GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN and throwing sprouts at him. I missed walking the dog along the beach in a force 10 gale just to get out of the house.

Last years Xmas day was no different to every other bloody Sunday in the year and I hated it.

Never again. If we get snowed in this year I'm bloody walking!

Be careful what you wish for OP - You may get it Smile

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 09:13

Totally agree with morloth.

What kind of tradition are you establishing?

The tradition that Xmas is for nuclear family only and you don't have anyone that interferes with that? That we don't take care of our parents and extended family. Because that is certainly going to come back and bite you on the bum one day!

Anyway, it sounds boring - especially for your dcs. Or is Xmas the only time you play with them?

brainwashed · 14/10/2011 09:20

We spend every Xmas at home and have done for years. PILs come to us alternate Xmas & NY, usually staying for a week Shock as they are a 8+hour drive away. I find it difficult and stressful as they do little to help and actually don't even interact much with the kids. However I wouldn't dream of banning them from seeing us on Xmas day as their own daughter does when they are not coming to us for Xmas. That just seems mean ( particularly when there are plenty of good reasons why she should be inviting them...whole other story)

Putrifyno · 14/10/2011 09:21

I hate Xmas Day with just the 3 of us - it's so far from the extended family celebrations of my own childhood that I feel sad, and am sad for dd. Dh refuses to travel as he normally only gets a couple of days off. This year we are going out for lunch and I am hoping there will be other families with dcs.

Original poster
iluvchips · 14/10/2011 09:21

lesstalkmoreaction- that does sound good, and very similar to what we did last year. We had everyone-all parents, cousins and both sisters at ours on Boxing day and we went to MILs on Xmas day morning for few hours. The previous year we had everyone round on Christmas day morning-which was nice as neither MIL and FIL could have felt left out. I have great memories from my own childhood Christmases which was always just the four of us, then go to grandma's on Boxing day with cousins, etc.

OP posts:
Bledkr · 14/10/2011 09:32

I do think that most of those who say op is selfish must have lovely pils.
Suggestions to ask mil to help are fine but unless you have awkward pils you have no idea.If i tried that tactic then mil would be all annoyed and snappy and still not do anything thus making the day even more uncomfortable.When i came homw from having dd they were meant to be gone but stuck around for food.I said we were just having sarnies and she shouted "we need more than a sandwhich" it was very uncomfortable especially for dd1 so to stop it dh ended up cooking them a meal even tho he should have been helping me.
Its hard to believe it if you havent come across it i now,but some people really are extremely difficult and trying to change them only leads to further problems.

Morloth · 14/10/2011 09:32

Not this year ArtVandelay, new house doesn't have one, thank goodness!

I have learned to hate that thing. You pour money into it 6 months of the year to enjoy it for a few days here and there in the summer.

Sod that, this year the kids are getting a paddling pool and a sprinkler. They can run across the bindi patch just like I had to.

Shutupanddrive · 14/10/2011 09:36

I think you would be a bit mean not to invite them. Can't you ask them to come between 11am-3pm or something if you don't want them there all day? And get her in the kitchen helping!

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 09:39

My pil are very irritating. But I was brought up watching my parents do the right thing by their pils and so I try to do the same. I don't let myself get walked over either. In that situation bledkr, I would have invited them to find themselves something on the fridge.

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 09:41

My attitude towards my crazy inlaws (and my crazy family too, tbh) is to treat them like a Seinfeld episode. So just sit back and be amused at the angst.

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 09:43

And have just noticed how aposite that is on a thread with art vanderlay.

TonksmarriedaWerewolf · 14/10/2011 09:43

It's not a case of ruining MIL's christmas, it's a case of making your own traditions. If MIL is always in GD's face with toys etc, shouldn't the OP get that time at Christmas?

We are lucky to have both sets of parents living nearby, but that wasn't the case when i was little. I hated being dragged to either end of the country to be displayed to my GP's friends. Yes it's nice that they were proud of me and DB, but having to be perfectly behaved eat grandma's food for a week was awful.

We do PIL on Christmas eve, home and PJ's christmas day, and P Boxing day. Works for us and everyone gets equal amounts of time with GC's (who are the only ones on either side btw)

cambridgeferret · 14/10/2011 09:47

Difficult one. Whatever you choose someone's not going to be happy. Ideally I'd suggest going away for Christmas, then there's no argument - but I realise that costs money.
What does your DP think? If he's in agreement I'd put my foot down and say either Xmas day or Boxing day - or if you go to them then you can have a bit more control of how long you're there.

My MIL was like this the first Christmas that DD1 was small. Sat in chair, expected to be waited on and did bugger all even though we'd been up all night with DD's cold. And her grand finale was pissing the bed.

That was the last straw - completely lost it with DH and said absolutely no way was she staying here again over Christmas (she'd left by then)
And he agreed.

Sadly we never had to tell her that. She died the same year.

tryingtoleave · 14/10/2011 09:49
Shock
Bledkr · 14/10/2011 09:56

trying to leave if only it were that easy.When dh suggested that they go and get something to eat on the way home,she stomped about the place saying to poor fil "we will have to eat chips in the car" I know we are too soft but we had just bought our baby home and didnt want any bad feeling,it was easier to feed them and get them gone.
If they came for xmas which fortunately they dont,me and dh would be skivying around,on our best behaviour,not too much drinking etc,our alternative would be to say something and then spen the day in an atmosphere.