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Original poster

to not want parents-in-law on xmas day

134 replies

iluvchips · 13/10/2011 20:26

this will be our first christmas as a family of four and am thinking what 'traditions' I'd like to establish for our family for the big day. The trouble is with my mother-in-law. She's great with our children-especially our 2yr old daughter-her only granddaughter- playing with her and everything. It's just that I always feel like I have to take a 'back-seat' when she's around because she kind of takes over and dominates my DD's play and attention. She's just in my DD's face and doesn't let anyone else 'in'. I know I'd feel a bit resentful for doing all the cooking and have hardly anytime myself to play with DD and her new toys on Christmas day. Am I being selfish to keep MIL away from her only grandchildren on Christmas day? Should I just grin and bare it, after all my DD loves her gran and my DS will too, though he's only a baby right now. Would it be selfish to just keep Christmas day for just the four of us and see them on boxing day every year, the same as my parents- who, I hasten to add, I don't have this problem with. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

OP posts:
LiegeAndLief · 13/10/2011 21:59

Levantine I have tried, believe me I have tried . But short of dh driving a 5-6 hour round trip to pick her up and take her home again it just doesn't make sense with the trains. The thought of doing it all again this year makes me feel a bit queasy.

mrsm123 · 13/10/2011 22:00

iluvchips, you should check out my thread on a very similar issue.
also, i havent read the whole thread yet but here's my response to your original post.

Look, people get so worked up by this stuff. You sound very nice and as if you really appreciate your MIL, as you should, and that's great.

However, if you're not even seeing your own parents that day, and you want to start as you mean to go on (ie nip it in the bud) you should mention sooner rather than later that you either want christmas day in your own house, and parents/parents in law welcome, or just the 4 of you and you'll see the others on xmas eve/boxing day. That way no one can be upset and they should respect your decision. Then they can go off and plan a nice xmas eve/boxing day for when you come. Or even that might be too much of a rush. The 27th even?

Im at the stage i want to do it in my own house now too for my husband and 3 kids and that what im going to do this year. in laws welcome. if they take the huff, tough!

skybluepearl · 13/10/2011 22:01

can't you ask her to come later in the day - say at 2pm in time for Xmas lunch? Or just keep them to boxing day.

troisgarcons · 13/10/2011 22:04

OP - you havent come back - whatt does your partner want? there are two people in a relationship and as much as you want to edge out your MIL she is his mother and the grandmother of your children.

IQuit · 13/10/2011 22:05

Right - have seen name change has worked (don't want to be out in RL).

We had a similar dilemma but ours was if we invite PILs then SIL, BIL and DN will expect an invite too, but DN can be a spoilt, mean, little brat who demands all attention to be on her and is openly jealous and hostile towards DD when PILs are involved.

Last year we went to SIL/BIL's for tea and the evening. PIL's had been there since the previous night and given DN her presents in the morning. Whilst DD was opening hers DN continually complained the DD had got more/better from PILs than she had, that DD had what she (DN) wanted and that it wasn't fair that everyone was paying DD more attention. During games it got even worse with DN demanding that she be allowed to win as it was her Christmas, her house, etc. etc. when the rest of us just wanted to get on and play DD's new game. I swore never again and so did DH at the time. This year we have invited my sister, BIL and their older children to ours for the day. I envisage a lot more relaxed Christmas.

Sorry - no advise and I've hijacked totally, but WOW - THAT WAS CATHARTIC!

Merry Christmas! Wink

MrsStephenFry · 13/10/2011 22:06

You have every othet day of the year for your nuclear family, and you want to shun your childrens loving grandparents from christmas so you dont feel left out from playing?
Are you 5?

IQuit · 13/10/2011 22:06

Oh, yes, invite the inlaws for the afternoon or for Boxing Day! That way they get to see you all and you get to chill for a bit.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 13/10/2011 22:08

You are lucky dd has such a doting grandma. It will be lovely for her and all of you. I'd get over yourself and enjoy it. And what Mrs S Fry says.

Original poster
iluvchips · 13/10/2011 22:08

MIL wouldn't be by herself! She has FIL, her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend. Never by herself!!!!

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 13/10/2011 22:08

we agreed at marriage preparation that we would have christmas to ourselves and see relatives before/after. and I have stuck to that, much to h's annoyance. Christmas is My time off from having to rush here there and everywhere. we have to travel to see family and as h couldn't organise a proverbial in a brewerry and i organised the visits and christmas it is tough luck. (and I did leave him to boxing day meal once having battled through the morning sickness to cook christmas dinner. allhe had to do was roast potatoes/parsnips and boil some veg. we had undercooked potatoes/charcoal parsnips and something else missing. Sad )

funnily enough, if pils/sil had been less of a nightmare over the wedding, and ds's first christmas party they might have got to see more of us.

lesstalkmoreaction · 13/10/2011 22:11

I love xmas day with just me dh and our 4 children, we have a huge cooked breakfast, spend the day playing with new toys, walking round the village, last year we went sledging over the cotswolds which was amazing. I cooked a quick xmas dinner and we all snuggled up in front of the fire watching tv. On boxing day we do a traditional xmas with both sets of grandparents if they all want to come or just mine.

Harecare · 13/10/2011 22:12

Iluvchips - it all depends on what her day would be like without you. If it's going to be lonely and rubbish then utilise her domination by giving her set jobs to do e.g. look after kids while you cook, wash up with DH while you play with kids.

I want Christmas at home just the 4 of us, but the inlaws have other family staying and to be honest that's why I don't want to be there. They're all lovely, but all adults and my DCs get sidelined a bit until it's too late and they're tired and irritable. I think they'd have more fun without us, but wouldn't admit it. We usually visit my family for a week after Boxing Day and there are a lot of them so nobody's lonely.

So if nobody is made worse off by your decision YANBU, but if they are then YABU.

LilRedWG · 13/10/2011 22:12

lesstalkmoreaction - that sounds lovely. My kind of Christmas.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 13/10/2011 22:14

YABU
grin and bear it
invite lots more people to "dilute" her a bit
or scale back the cooking if it makes you feel better
and plan a nice family activity for Boxing Day

Almanzo · 13/10/2011 22:16

Wow, very polarized opinions. Unusual for AIBU.
May I please come down very hard on the side of those saying that of course yours in-laws should come. Who else loves your DC that much and I'm sure whatever traditions you come up with can't beat the attention of a doting grandparent.
Can't you just find it in yourself to be ...kind
Yes Christmas is hard on mothers of younger children, if you are lucky you get your chance to be indulged a little when you are a child and then when you are a grandparent.
My experience is coloured a little by having lost nearly all older members of my family I admit.
May I borrow your MIL? Grin

notlettingthefearshow · 13/10/2011 22:16

It sounds like everyone loves these visits apart from you, so I would let PIL come if you feel you can. Xmas is so much more magical with children and it obviously means a lot to them, even though they have each other.

You can establish your own little routines on Xmas Eve and Boxing Day. I think a lot of the excitement for children is the anticipation, so things like opening the advent calendar will be lovely for them. It's only one day they are coming for. You see your children every day.

Being left on your own in the kitchen is another matter! Mention tactfully how much there is to do, and don't turn down any offers of help. If there's something the guests enjoy/are good at, give them that to do, or ask them to bring something prepared like the dessert.

Original poster
iluvchips · 13/10/2011 22:16

do we have every other day during the rest of the year to do the nuclear family thing??? no. We work. DH works 6 days a week with overtime. We take turns with providing sunday dinners between our two families so nobody feels left out.

OP posts:
KnitterNotTwitter · 13/10/2011 22:17

As Xmas Eve is on a Sat this year we're doing MIL on Xmas Eve, My parents Xmas day then family stuff boxing day...

nothingbyhalves · 13/10/2011 22:19

AFter xmas arguements last year we have said xmas in our house will be as follows: Our doors open at 9am for all family to come and go as they want for bucks fizz and crumpets. Doors shut at 11:30 am.

Then its just the 4 of us. Its your xmas day too! If she was on her own with no ther family, thats another thing, but we are in a position that on both sides there are other grandchildren.

BUT its your christmeas too, to enjoy your kids and DH.

pranma · 13/10/2011 22:21

Please let your m-i-l share your Christmas-if ever there was a family day it is Christmas Day it just isnt 'another day'.Wht cause hurt needlessly?My dd leaves it to her m-i-l and us and goes out of her way to let us share in the magic of children at Christmas.She grew up seeing her own grandparents alternate years-this matters more than you may think.

LilRedWG · 13/10/2011 22:21

I think this is one subject that people feel very strongly about. To me it is important that the children are at home on Christmas Day (or for the bulk of it) and that the time is focussed on them enjoying their presents.

The TV only goes on to watch a DVD that has been bought as a Christmas gift or maybe later in the evening when the LOs are in bed. CBeebies, Coronation Street mega-uber-omnibusses etc. do not exist in our house on Christmas Day, but I appreciate that some people are happy to watch TV all day - each to their own.

I have always said that I am happy for anyone to come to me but I don't like going anywhere on the day. That being said - I do prefer it just being the four of us.

mrsm123 · 13/10/2011 22:26

ive just remembered she doesnt have any other grand kids. why dont you have her over, the 2 of you drink wine and cook. bond. and if she takes over to the point youre annoyed get hubby to subtly sort it. and dont do it next year.

i dont know, you'll figure it out.

pommedechocolat · 13/10/2011 22:27

As someone with a similar 'dominating' mil I understand where you are coming from. When it is so different to how your parents are it is hard to deal with. I also don't like it for dd myself - seems suffocating.
Think your dh is key here - what does he want? If he really wants her there then he needs to work out how he can help make it better for you.
Fwiw totally understand on the nuclear family thing, busy jobs and rushed lives aren't quality time and it is important.
This year my foot is coming down and we are staying put. People can visit anytime post eleven am Xmas day until new year but I am not budging!!

Earthymama · 13/10/2011 22:29

DP and I go away to a cottage in our favourite place. We have a lovely break from Real Life, we go to the pub for a pint on Christmas Day, have a fab meal, walk, do all the things we love.

Then we go home and we have a family day with children and grandchildren. This feels like such a win/win and the children, I mean GC appreciate their presents and who they are from.

webwiz · 13/10/2011 22:38

When we used to do the travelling we spent Christmas day at home and then trailed around the country on boxing day. Once we made the decision to start staying put (DCs were 5, 3 and 0 then!) allcomers were welcome.

I can't imagine Christmas without my ILs visting even though they always drive me mad over something. They are always prepared to play whatever tedious games the DCs have received or watch some dreadful "show" that the DCs have created. I was grateful for someone else to give DD1 the constant attention she always wanted!

This year the DCs will be 20, 18 and 15 and as well as the PILs we have
BIL and SIL and assorted boyfriends visiting.

Yabu - I'd take a back seat with a glass of champagne in my hand!