Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

Fellatio do you know you're wanted here!!

oh my gosh you all must see these, swoon

that put all my links to shame!

lol BALD my sister must have a new career

I never knew there were so many things that could be done with a tampon I thought DS2's recent habit of attempting to eat them was strange!

urrrgh. ^^

I am the proud owner of two duck egg rooms. Christmas trees love lovely against such a colour, however red and gold are far too tacky for my tree, so no chance of clashing.

BALD quite apt

ah, <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=1.bp.blogspot.com/_bkFIPLIOGL8/SSWrBNB5KwI/AAAAAAAAUK0/zVEKrXPbgFE/s400/lights_05.jpg&imgrefurl=listoftheday.blogspot.com/2008/11/tampon-crafts-of-day.html&usg=__I4O9c0VKskdkK7ATgGoefP0UVE4=&h=263&w=350&sz=11&hl=en&start=10&zoom=1&tbnid=EJ2ymstqC8ZjqM:&tbnh=121&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtampon%2Bchristmas%2Btree%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DX%26biw%3D956%26bih%3D410%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C295&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=437&ei=GBudTNy-Fpa8jAeB1rmjDQ&oei=ExudTIvTBYmLswa-8bjmDg&esq=2&page=2&ndsp=11&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:10&tx=103&ty=41&biw=956&bih=410" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">these might go well BALD.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=prommafia.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/ugly-tacky-christmas-sweater.jpg&imgrefurl=prommafia.com/2009/12/wacky-tacky-christmas/&usg=__G-Qdxosy9uKEzQ_LKztYgmUh_hU=&h=492&w=354&sz=54&hl=en&start=10&zoom=1&tbnid=hEPj33eIWA5JGM:&tbnh=119&tbnw=98&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtacky%2Bchristmas%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D956%26bih%3D410%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C462&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=730&vpy=30&dur=40&hovh=265&hovw=190&tx=135&ty=181&ei=qBudTLnpL4qQjAejjOW8DQ&oei=oxudTKzIOMuDswaE0rjmDg&esq=2&page=2&ndsp=10&ved=1t:429,r:9,s:10&biw=956&bih=410" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">xmas jumper anyone?

Right, we need to discuss lights.

White, non-flashing, non-LED, obviously, but what lights can your neighbours see?

I have one set of (tasteful, obviously) white star curtain lights, viewable from the street. Is this acceptable, or tacky? I've never been sure.

for those of you who go away for Christmas my MIL actually wore these last year

this is tacky I tend to not like window lights but yours do sound quite nice, not too ott

nice glasses.

other link didn't work :(

White lights are best, yes.

I think. But I am a grown-up.

But I keep remembering the lights of my childhood which were just like Quality Street chocolates all jewel-like!

You know if someone was to manufacture Quality Street Tree Lights, emerald triangles, golden pennies then they should read this and pay me royalties.

not those blue ones. they make my eyes bleed.

we're guaranteed snow on the day, so nosegay not de rigeur in these parts

dh and i always bicker about the goose/ turkey thing. last year the deli was doing 'turducken' (lol) which i thought would be the answer to the argument (and appease the 'is it chicken, mummy?' dcs). i was outvoted.

now, tell me - is turducken poncetastic or just chav? i need to know whether to bring up the discussion again, or just order one now on the quiet?

Oh God knows about the mixed poultry, it's a minefield.

We have a chicken because DS doesn't eat, I might have one slice (usually non-meat for me all year) and DH and DD er, like Chicken. It's smaller and more tender than turkey although we've yet to experience Nigella's bucket

DH uses oranges and lemons, butter and fresh rosemary.

On the chicken, obviously.

obviously...

Duck egg people, I'm sorry to have to suggest it, but at least you have time <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=splendidwillow.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/shchristmas.jpg&imgrefurl=splendidwillow.com/page/9&usg=__BBWkglGxtgaw9576ZjbwsuXSctQ=&h=585&w=435&sz=138&hl=en&start=221&zoom=1&tbnid=gis-bKGeTzlT4M:&tbnh=137&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgustavian%2Bstyle%2Bchristmas%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1024%26bih%3D564%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C5814&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=259&vpy=213&dur=4526&hovh=260&hovw=194&tx=63&ty=154&ei=cWOdTKePDo74nAeeyNnLDQ&oei=BGOdTOXKCcfCnAf5qMyIDQ&esq=14&page=14&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:221&biw=1024&bih=564" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">You may have to go Gustavian and forget English frippery altogether.

If you want lovely handmade cards but want someone else to make them please can I suggest:

this website

The Christmas cards are not there yet, but the ones I got last year were beautiful and for a very good cause - helping women and children in Sreepur, Bangladesh.

I've had duck egg in previous homes and found that a garland and little clumps of holly worked well. It can still be poncetastic!

But - partly with Christmas decs in mind - we painted this living room in Dulux's Egyptian Cotton, which is the fabbest colour ever. It's neutral but depending on the light it can look either soft grey or taupe. But most importantly every other colour really stands out and looks vivid against it. Last year's Christmas tree looked amazing (no pics alas!). There's still time to redecorate.......

None of you are really poncetastic enough IMO. My parents always had proper candles on their Christmas tree, and no other lighting is comparable. I'd love to have candles on mine but you can't buy the holders any more because of the fire hazard. We'd light them on Christmas evening and then all the evenings of Christmas (decorations all went up on Christmas Eve and down on Twelth Night). I miss the smell really (you'd always get at least a bit of the tree catching fire, so that lovely pine smell), but they had lots of glass decorations and it looked beautiful. Plus no wires (I always have problems hiding the wires on my tree). We'd always have a couple of buckets of water and sand just in case.

Country living Christmas Fair anyone? Christmas doesn't start until I've been.

I have a Poncetatstic Christmas every year, its what i live for.

OOh - I'll come with you Alouiseg! I'd love to go. That's if I'm allowed to go, if you already go with your other proper friends and can handle a gatecrasher.

MrsT I love those chair covers. We all should have some just for the children, or the breakfast table, at least. Just to show we can be hilariously ironic and not too up ourselves. I do have a set of Christmas character glasses and napkins so such reasons.

Mathanxiety I love that Gustavian link - very me. And see that uber-ponce wooden stepladder in the shot? I have one of those painted white, and rotten and peeling naturally shabby and distressed, from being accidentally left out in the garden for too long. Last year I brought it in and hung silver glass vintage style baubles from the rungs using lengths of ivory lace. That was my Festive finest hour.

RE Advent Calenders.

I sat down on night and Blanket stitched 25 Little felt stockings in lots of Christmas Felts.
I thine got a Cork Pin Board and covered it in some Old Christmas Fabric and then stapled the stockings onto it, we have had it for 3 years now and its still going strong.
I either put a 'Christmas activity' in it (usually only at weekends) or a small Chocolate of gift.

I'm not a natural seamstress so i was quite chuffed at how it turned out.

I have also just made 2 giant and i mean giant stockings in darling Christmas fabric for my children to use year after year, i didn't like the gaudy Santa themed ones i got from Asda many years ago!

I have already made many Chutneys and Pickles and am saving the rest of my jars to make Snow Globes with the children as one of their Advent Activities.

I will do paper chains and Popcorn and i will reserve one night where i will get my Star cookie Cutter and print little stars onto my rustic Brown wrapping paper, it will be tied with dipped Gold String and a little bunch with a Cinnamon Stick, Holly, and a Pine Cone...