Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

I think Sue that the fact you are so obsessed with the prefect christmas that it extends even to your loo roll is what makes it poncy, rather than the fact it comes from Wilks. 'Course, I am also happy to accept the suggestion that I will buy any old tat that puts a smile on my face when going to the loo on christmas morning!

Has anyone seem decorations in b&q/homebase yet? Someone earlier in the thread mentioned they sell large tubes of bells and I need them to go with some red velvet ribbon.

Hi all - back now that the Halloween madness has finished.

Have spent time with the DCs this week working out what our Christmas craft activities will be and we've also agreed to make presents for the grandparents - anyone got any ideas for something for grandad.

Have also seen some fab pompoms made from coffee filters. Where can I get some really lovely Christmas ribbon from?

nooooo, poncey loo roll would be hand-punched with angels and tied each time with a red velvet ribbon .

VV Rolly's for ribbon. But I buy offcuts from my local department store - typically 2-3m lengths - for around 40p a bundle. Tis excellent. Or hobbycraft I guess.

Oh yes, they sound lovely Profterole, I was looking for a bell one. Is it a branded pound shop? How much (say £1, go on )

Feck it, no shop near here. Maybe poundstretcher will have similar. They do sound poncetastic if gussied up with posh ribbon

I have so far bought: a number of xmas themed yankee candle tarts (not found a nice burner yet tho sigh); xmas lebucuchen (cant spell) from lidl (already eaten); gingerbread house, little train that zooms round snowy village and plays xmas songs ; and am considering german advent calendar (but £10!! for postage!!)

My theme will be red, white, big green spruce garlands, pine cones, snow, bells etc. Also got some nice little red & white griselda graham musrooms, which will attach to garlands along with cones & ribbon. Hoping for nordic/scandinavian effect, and that DH will finally put my cuckoo clock up for me.

And I really want Ikea red velvet curatins for our front room....

If anyone goes to Ikea (for those curtains!) I have the new country homes etc which tells you how to make truffles with Daim bars. Can post if interested.

I am pondering a festive thingy for my coffee table. Coffee table is not a table, it is my father's old school trunk and the current thingy is an old soil sieve with red hydrangea heads in (looks nicer than it sounds tho DD calls them crispy flowers). So I need a winter thingy to replace the autumn thingy in the manner of a pyramid of oranges or cunningly balanced pine cones. Any ideas?
One of those little zoomy trains? A lit-up village scene with skaters (our pound shop always has those)? What would be a truly poncetastic thingy?

How about something like this SuePurbly:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.countryliving.com/cm/countryliving/images/Pinecone-Pomander-Holiday-Display-GTL1206-de.jpg&imgrefurl=www.countryliving.com/homes/holiday-decorating-1208&usg=___mQrH0oZ6DO0GScMUnJyLsWTiD0=&h=460&w=360&sz=65&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=TxfNiWzBt1RYCM:&tbnh=140&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchristmas%2Bcenterpieces%2Bwith%2Bdried%2Boranges%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D582%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=630&vpy=221&dur=4341&hovh=254&hovw=199&tx=129&ty=211&ei=USfTTNjYMJD44Aa5iZ3PDQ&oei=USfTTNjYMJD44Aa5iZ3PDQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:17,s:0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.countryliving.com/cm/countryliving/images/Pinecone-Pomander-Holiday-Display-GTL1206-de.jpg&imgrefurl=www.countryliving.com/homes/holiday-decorating-1208&usg=___mQrH0oZ6DO0GScMUnJyLsWTiD0=&h=460&w=360&sz=65&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=TxfNiWzBt1RYCM:&tbnh=140&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchristmas%2Bcenterpieces%2Bwith%2Bdried%2Boranges%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D582%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=630&vpy=221&dur=4341&hovh=254&hovw=199&tx=129&ty=211&ei=USfTTNjYMJD44Aa5iZ3PDQ&oei=USfTTNjYMJD44Aa5iZ3PDQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:17,s:0

Oranges AND pine cones!

I can't believe I have only just stumbled across this thread!
My family have informed me christmas is at mine this year.

Is it too early/late to make a red wine marmalade for the cheese course?

Shall I have silver or gold as my sparkle accent in the living room. (Have green bits on the curtains.)

Do I make my guests stockings?

If I lay the table beforehand, is it acceptable to ask people to eat breakfast in the living room? Do a casual christmas muffin thing?

Also, my DH is insisting on him & the DC having artistic control of the tree.
Help!

SueP, have you thought of spraying your hydrangea heads gold or silver, and arranging on a charger plate with cones and/or baubles? If you are really going for broke, why not add in some battery powered led lights, fab and safer than candles.

Queefer, don't think it's too late for the marmalade.

Silver or gold fine for accents, but I would use silver if pale or bright green, gold if dark.

Can't your guests bring their own stockings, think it's a bit much for you to do for all, not to say expensive. you could do a small 'christmas tree present' for each guest in addition to the other gift that you give them instead. Or get make your own cracker kits from John Lewis, labelled for each guest, and put a nice little gift inside.

Let them breakfast in the living room. Delegate someone to have a quick vacuum afterwards.

Let DH and DC do the tree while you have a very large drink. Tweak bits that annoy you the most when they are at work/school/in bed, over a few days. If any one says the tree looks different, say it's because you had to put the guests tree presents in/on the branches!

Yep, champagne breakfast a must here. Food should be eaten casually though if there are little kids as they are too excited to be forced to sit at the table and eat properly. Also, it means you can prepare the table beforehand and have it looking perfect with mimimum effort on the day.

webwhiz, good link . Properly poncetastic.

Queefer, we do a treasure hunt for stocking gifts for the adults, children do the hunting. Miniatures, chocs, candles, small things.It's a Christmas eve thing then the stocking time is just for the children.

I do Bucks fizz and croissants for breakfast, I have it with DD doing the stocking in our living room. Not sure about muffins but if you like them, why not? How about posh bacon sangers?

I often make eggs benedict for breakfast on Xmas day as DH loves it. The kids will have cereal and cheese & ham croissants.

Have ordered a load of ribbon from Not on the High Street.

Does no-one have any ideas for FIL home-made gift?

How about a handmade piñata pheasant, Dastardly filled with handmade whisky chocolates? You could carefully make it out of papier-mâché and sew on all the feathers so it looks real! then you could hit it with a shooting stick!

That's what I'll be making for my FiL this year!

Wow Miffster that sounds amazing. And he loves Whisky. What are you doing - making a wire frame and then covering with papier-mache?

actually no, I am having a baby in December and will be doing nothing other than lie about eating cold pizza probably. But I did see someone make one once and thought it ought to be commemorated on this poncetastic thread somehow as a Prime Example.

Agreed it sounds fabulous (as does the cold pizza).

I reckon you could do it with a balloon and make the neck and wings then stick them on. Lots of dead pheasants about at the moment, my house is full of tail feathers . Oddly.
gas at hitting with a shooting stick

I've just bought a make your own cracker kit from Tesco, £3 for pack of 6. I have the red and gold, 3 of each in the pack. They have nice gold foil hats included. You can get a silver pack as well. They seem nice and substantial, ones I got from Hobbycraft last year were utter rubbish very flimsy and broke easily, even before they were filled! The Tesco ones could easily be customised with nice ribbon, some sort of embellishment on the front etc.