Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

What's the most fantastic and therefore poncetastic christmas cake recipe? Any recommendations

sybil, I am making a fig and sherry mincemeat. It uses semi dried figs and apricots, which you combine with other dried fruits and cherries, vegetarian 'suet', citrus zest and fino sherry. No cooking required until you bake the pies. Can post recipe if you're interested.

minimammoth - i made a honey and saffron christmas cake this year (recipe acquired from BBC good food online) smelt heavenly when brought out the oven! It does contain a lot of nuts though.

Sorry, I know someone posted this earlier in the thread but it's so huuuuge now it will take too long to find so I have two questions:

a) how do you successfully dry orange slices?
b) where do you crafty sorts buy your felt?

Thanks in poncetastic advance

Thank you for advice brandy is now happily fermenting the mincemeat - Mary Berry's Special mincemeat - yum scrum. Any homemade is always going to be much nicer than the nicest bought stuff.

I have made Delias Christmas cake, although a honey and saffron cake does sound poncetastic.

I have been drying orange slices in my oven for about 26 hours now!!! They are about 1cm thick and the oven is at 40c.... I think they will be done by the time I go to bed, I think next time I would leave in a warm airing cupboard for several days.

They have kept the colour and shape really well which I think is due to the low temperature.

That sounds lovely girlywhirly, yes, please post if not too much trouble. Thanks!

will honey and saffron cake keep if made now? will look up recipe as it sounds fab.

Those of you making your own mincemeat - where do you buy the suet from? I couldn't find any in a large Tesco yesterday...

I prefer to use butter rather than suet. But Asda sell suet it goes under the brand name Atora if that helps.

Fig and Sherry mincemeat.

makes 2 x 450g jars.

250g/9oz dried figs
250g/9oz dried apricots
175g/6oz raisins
125g/4oz mixed dried fruits
75g/3oz cherries
125g/4oz soft brown sugar
125g/4oz vegetable suet
pinch ground cinnamon
pinch freshly grated nutmeg
zest of 1 orange and 1 lemon finely grated.
200ml/third pint Fino sherry

Chop figs, apricots and cherries. I tend to do this in a food processor, you want small pieces. Add these to all other ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir well to combine. Leave to sit for a couple of hours (covered) then spoon into sterilised jars, seal and keep in a cool dark place until ready to use.

I find that this mincemeat is rather dry compared to some, so I'm planning on adding the juice of the orange as well as the zest this time around. If you don't like mixed fruit, add sultanas instead.

If you like fig roll biscuits, you'll love this! We will have a warm mince pie with home-made vanilla ice-cream for pud after Christmas lunch.

DecorHate we also use the Atora shredded suet - have bought it in Waitrose and Tesco. It tends to be near the home baking stuff where all the big bags of currants/raisins etc... are if that helps... There are two types one is beef suet and one vegetable suet.

jeffcapes I've just come back from my mothers armed with a load of felt. She buys it from HobbyCraft online-only to find Ebay are much much cheaper, and if you had the time, to buy from the States.

Failing that, "material" shops (sewing etc) usually stock it.

Thanks! Didn't think to look in baking section. Doh! Thought it would be in refrigerator w/ butter, marg, etc

Has anyone tried to make the honey and saffron cake with gluten free flour?

Thanks for the felt advice. I've consulted the crafty lot also and bought from the felt fairy on ebay, great, very efficient, felt arrived today and it's lovely!
Also on a more Christmassey related matter, my Delia Christmas cake is in the oven - oh it's me, Jeff btw. Thanks

TheGruffaloMami - you win the poncetastic stakes in my eyes... the magazine arrived today, wrapped in brown paper with the CUTEST Christmas stamps tastefully arrayed for my delight... Thank you!!

I shall be drooling reading the magazine tonight, and if anyone needs any Xmassy inspiration let me know... Happy to pass on the poncetasticness!

JeffCapes - I've just been looking up about drying oranges, and this is what I've found out - anyone anything better please advise.

Use medium firm oranges,
Slice about 1/4 inch thick slices
EITHER - press the juice out of the orange in kitchen paper, and try not to mis-shape them. OR... soak them in lemon juice (it does not say for how long about 10 mins I would think) then pat dry. The lemon is supposed to help retain the colour because they go brown in the oven.
Next
arrange on a baking sheet and dry in a 150 degree oven for about 6 hours, turning about every hour or so to stop them curling or going too brown - leave the door ajar to aid air circulation.

I want to give this a go over the next few days - does this sound right for anyone who has done this?

OOOh, thanks Angel3. Do you think you need to leave the door open if you have a fan oven (which I do)? I can't do it today as oven has the Christmas cake in it but I have the oranges ready to slice. I've read a few bits and they all seem to add up to the instructions that you gave - it was annoying how many said 'how to dry orange slices' and then the instructions were 'use a dehydrator' - presumably if you have one of those you aren't going to be looking up instructions on the internet! I'll be watching the thread to see if any experts can confirm the plan . Now, where do I buy cinnamon sticks from that will be cheaper than the supermarkets?!

Picked up a copy of The White Company's Christmas catalogue today - ponce heaven! Even if I don't buy anything from there it's given me lots of ideas...

Its all gone a bit tumble weedy on here today hasn't it?

Anyway, my own personal good news on the xmas front is that I finally found my christmas loo roll and have made the cake. I still need to do the oranges though so thanks for that info angels I was thinking of doing them in the airing cupboard, has anyone tried it that way?

yy - I was thinking the same Sybil (excellent name btw), maybe the Christmas spirit is fading

Its a military campaign Sybila and Elspeth we are working at the front line with the accompanying news blackout. I'm sure as the individual missions are complete people will report back with their triumphs.

I have made my Christmas Cake,Christmas pudding and the Sherry & Fig mincemeat (thanks to girlywhirly for that ). My oranges are drying at the moment and I found some baubles this morning in Sainsbury's that are exactly the right colour for my purple and gold theme in the dining room.

I hope no ones missing in action.

I don't know where the 'a' at the end of Sybil came from

OK, I've been resisting since September.
But I know this is where I need to be.

(have even borrowed "ponce" adjective for a thread on wrapping paper, which is my ponciest bit of Christmas) (I re-wrap if things don't turn out to my exacting standards and spend far longer finding wrap than presents)

I've never hosted Christmas because am abroad and go back to my old mum's, but as she gets on a bit I'm contributing more.

So, is it too late to be at the chutney jars?

Go to and chutney Bucharest, tis never too late

I am not at all convinced that Christmas loo roll from Wilkos is poncetastic. Anti-ponce more like.

I haven't done much this week. My current festive tip is to save your satsuma peel, let it dry a bit and put it on your fire. It smells nice.

Which Christmas magazine is the best if I don't really care about recipies? I don't eat meat or cook on the day so they're wasted on me. I already get CL automatically (and hoping for another sub from FC) but I need cheering-up present and am thinking of getting a magazine. Which one is most poncetastic?