Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

Oooh Cheerful yank , the one in Christmas Magazine? Tis lovely! I considered until I realised the pails are about £1.50 each!

Oooh actually just found some for £35.00 for 50, still a lot of money though!

How often do you turn sloe gin? I think I'm making mine dizzy.

I'm thinking of making my own mincemeat this year too. Does anyone have any tried and tested recipes which don't have nuts or cherries? (dh has issues with nuts and cherries but will bizarrely scoff brussel sprouts)

Those mini pails sound gorgeous. I think dc3 (2 years) would just play with them though so maybe another year.

Sybil, you could substitute chopped apple for the cherries and leave nuts out altogether in your mincemeat. I always used to put extra raisins and sultanas instead of currants which my mum couldn't eat. Or you could try dried cranberries.

I didn't see one in Christmas Magazine! I'll have to look it up. I'm pretty sure I could get 25 of them for pretty cheap at Crafts Direct. :)

Am excited to have found a gluten free cinnamon roll mix! It is the Christmas morning breakfast menu as far as I'm concerned. :)

Ooh can I join this thread too? Have been reading it and am inspired!

All I've done so far is make my christmas cake, and collected lots of pine cones and twigs for spray painting at a later date. It;s the October holidays for the next 2 weeks so think I might get the kids to make some salt dough and we'll make some decorations to entertain them for a while.

Am a bit skint at the moment so mine's will have to be on a budget too

Sybil, I always leave the nuts out of my Delia Christmas cake (although I do add extra cherries 'cause I love them) and no-one has ever complained yet.

I do the same with Christmas puddings too. I started when DS was born as DH and I are both Atopic so we needed to avoid nuts when he was small and now we're just used to it and prefer it.

Just make up the weight with things you do like. Gilrywhirly's suggestion of apple is a good one.

Last year I wrapped adults' presents in brown parcel paper with gingham ribbon and used luggage labels as gift tags.

[curtseys in acknowledgement of hails of "poncetastic!"]

Darina Allen ("Simply Delicious Christmas") has a lovely yule log with decorative mushrooms made from little meringues that can be artfully arranged to suggest festive fungus.

mathanxiety that sounds very poncetastic! DS1 is allergic to egg white though so unfortunately not for me.

As Sunshineonlee has ok'd it I think I'm going to go with the Nigella log. Good and easy to make is an unbeatable combination I think.

I painted and glittered lots of pine cones last year but then couldn't work out how to hang them without them looking incredibly lopsided (and amateurish). Whats the tip then?

Ooh, meringue mushrooms. Thats very poncetastic Math :)

Lee - the Christmas pud recipe I have is from Nigella's Christmas and is apparently the "Ultimate Christmas Pudding" Recipe asks specifically for Pedro Ximenez Sherry which is why Bristol Cream from Tesco's was just not going to cut it ponce-wise. Don't tell me I have the wrong Nigella Pud recipe!! She serves it with Egg Nog cream not Sauternes custard too.

Sybil, pine cones actually grow upside down on their native trees with a few exceptions, so you can hang them like that! You can either bore a hole into the base of each cone and fill with strong glue, then insert ends of ribbon or fine cord to make a hanging loop; or use florists wire. Bend a length of wire into a U shape, insert the top of the U around the cone so that it goes into the open bits, bring the two wire ends together and twist. It helps if the cone is fully open and you position the wires as close to the stalk end as you can. You can twist the remaining wire into a loop for hanging. You can also wire three cones together by doing each cone individually and then twisting all the wires together. (Which is how you can then attach to a wreath or garland)

Sorry if it's a bit confusing, it's a bit difficult to describe!

I read all of that girlywhirly and it makes perfect sense.

Sounds pretty Georgimama! I used parcel paper last year too with a pale blue ribbon and then attached a sand dollar to them. Went a bit far with the "chic beach cottage" theme I've got going at my house...

Oooh, math! Festive fungus!

This is going to be the year I actually make the gingerbread cottage, oh yes.

My sister and I made a gingerbread house 2 years ago and did a gingerbread train last year with the carriages filled with sweets. This year we're thinking maybe a church with boiled sweet stained glass windows.

There are some really good templates online for gingerbread houses.

I've never made a gingerbread house before but am going the whole hog and am going to try modeling my house in gingerbread.

Luckily, our house is a simple rectangle with a window at each corner and a door in the middle so shouldn't be too hard to do even without a pattern - although I'm sure there'll be plenty of patterns resembling my house anyway.

I'm going to try stained glass windows (we don't have these but I'm using artistic license for the prettiness) and will buy one of those battery operated tea lights to go inside so it's lit :)

I made a sugarpaste train filled with sweets to go on our Christmas cake a few years ago. There is a picture on my normal profile. I'll try to transfer the pictures to my Halloween profile...

I'm making salt dough this weekend. Is there just a bog standard recipe or can anyone recommend a good fool-proof one?

I love the idea of a gingerbread house but there is no way one would last in this place unless I built a really, really high shelf for it. The wicked witch would have had no problems catching my children!

Thanks for those pine cone intructions. I think my problem may have been that the cone wasn't open enough so the thread I used was too far away from the stem and they listed like a badly holed ship. Obviously I could do much better with those instructions!

I've been toying with the idea of a gingerbread house with stained glass sweetie windows too.

How long would it last (unless it was eaten within minutes of being made, I fear)?

What is everyone putting on top of their cakes? I'm looking for something nice & easy but still poncetastic to put on ours and my dad's. I was thinking of making some sugarpaste holly leaves & berries for them maybe

The salt dough recipe I use is 2 parts plain flour to 1 part salt and water. I add a tablespoon of oil to make it easier to knead as well.

Those gingerbread houses sound fab!

Love this thread! Please may I join?

I did a gingerbread house for my DS's birthday (don't get too excited - it was a cheat's set from Ikea ). I decorated it in the morning with loads of piped chocolate icing, smarties and jellied sweets and it looked fab. Unfortunately, the water in the icing soaked into the gingerbread so by the time the party came around in the afternoon, the chimney and roof had sagged in a 'I've been standing for the last 400 years' kind of way', imminently followed by a terminal collapse of the entire structure! Tasted great though.

If anyone has any ideas for a poncetastic summer Christmas down under(I know, I know, it's just not the same), would love to hear them. Flat out of ideas right now. .

lucysmam You could always get real holly and berries, wash them, dip them in egg white and then in sugar. They end up looking frosted. Not edible but very poncey.

lol scroob at gingerbread collapse!

We are in antipodes too. and its not the same. We are doing more or less what northerners would for decorations, but avoiding any mention of snow/snowy looking decorations/snow on cars, because I think its a bit lame when it is clearly NOT going to snow here, and its not really embracing what Christmas in Aus has to offer.