Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

Made my own garland from a fake undecorated fir type garland, attached fairy lights, decorated with baubles, fake berries etc. Easily changed to a different style/colourway each year, and is unique in design. If you decide to do a fresh garland it will take a lot of time to collect all the foliage and cut it to the required sizes, and bind to the base cord or wires, so allow plenty of time! Bear in mind that in a home with children and pets, real berries will drop off and pose a poisoning risk if eaten, so fake berries are best. I make a table decoration from fresh foliage and flowers, usually with battery powered fairy lights woven into it, as they are safer than candles. But then our cat is fascinated by the tiny bulbs and tries to pick them out!

I also make my own fig and sherry mincemeat and sugar crust pastry for mince pies which sit in Christmas foil baking cases, and get the icecream machine out for proper vanilla (with egg custard and double cream) We have chestnut stuffing made from scratch, prepared in advance and frozen, and other veg prepared from fresh. I start a list in October of all the items I need. DH carefully studies the Christmas catalogue from The Wine Society, and decides which wines to buy. I browse all the Christmas home styling magazines for decorating tips and also good recipes.

I'm wondering how poncetastic it would be to have a Christmas throw for the sofa, or would it only be truly poncetastic if I made it myself?

My Christmas gift to you:

BCW103

Use this for 25% off Cox & Cox.

we aim to be fairly poncetastic but am in awe of everyone on here!

am starting to plan at the moment - teeny tiny issue is that we moved to SA in jan and all our lovely decorations (we went all engraved glass last year) are packed in storage. And decorations in SA are not poncetastic at all.

Am thinking of country christmas - lots of red and white gingham, salt dough stars with ribbon etc. managed to stock up on lovely red and white gingham wrapping paper 3 months ago - always try and use something like that for the ds's gifts and stamped brown paper with raffia for adults.

christmas is going to be mid summer so no big trad roast dinner - am totally stumped on food already!

Would a chilli tomato jam (homegrown tomatoes and chillis) be acceptable enough for gifts does anyone think? with lovely labels etc.

DH is santa each year at the ds's nursery but schools finish too early here (2 december) to do that so we are throwing a christmas kids afternoon before everyone goes away to the beach, and the big man will show up then I think.

I'm well and truly in the delia camp for christmas pudding and cake. am aiming for rustic iced cake this year with child assisted nativity scene on top.

I am a novice ponce (as admitted up the thread somewhere) so v excited to find a craft shop in london that will teach me how to unlock my inner xmas ponce here Let the craft making extravaganza begin...

Those of you making your own cards, have any of you found nice brown paper envelopes and cards? I can only buy white locally and think brown would look more rustic poncetastic.
Merci

Why oh why have I only found you ladies now? (Clearly do not spend enough time on MN!) I am new to it but have always been a Super-Ponce in my heart of hearts. We will be in South Africa with my family for Christmas but I've already made some chutney and the sloes are in the freezer.

Can I join please?

Upped my ponce-ness this weekend by making sloe gin and learning how to do those gorgeous crochet snowflakes linked to earlier in thread

ohforfoxsake - now I obviously have to go an order those window stickers (and probably loads of other stuff) so thank you from me - but not dh!

TPF - John Lewis haberdashery

I spent a FORTUNE in there on saturday

Yes, I've ssen bells. Buy they are round the necks of the Lindt chocolate reindeers. You'' either have to eat an awful lot of novelty chocolate. Or take up partial shop-lifting.

If anyone sees a report in the local paper that some crazy paerson has been going into supermarkets and removing all the bells fom the chocolate reindeer you know who to blame.

Daddywillbehomesoon I have just realised that you have moved to SA. I am the fount of all SA poncetasticness, as I have been doing SA Christmasses my whole life! (Last year was my first year in the northern hemisphere)

You are right the decorations (as much else) in SA is dfinitely not poncetastic, unless you do an 'African' theme - <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=blog.epromos.com/archives/neotel-copper-wire-tree.jpg&imgrefurl=blog.epromos.com/archives/promotional_projects/&usg=__elRaVv2ATFBWQgbJr-cdQIOwW5o=&h=471&w=425&sz=64&hl=en&start=61&sig2=PJGUxIYiBcf6sr_w8dZNRw&zoom=1&tbnid=OMK-ay2gKCOCKM:&tbnh=153&tbnw=138&ei=ZjaqTJzJI47KjAfQgqjnDA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dafrican%2Bwire%2Bchristmas%2Btree%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26biw%3D1024%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,2250&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=336&vpy=367&dur=128&hovh=176&hovw=158&tx=69&ty=68&oei=VTaqTKDWIoqZOpqZge8M&esq=5&page=5&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:11,s:61&biw=1024&bih=653" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">think wire tree.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=blog.babazeka.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/MJ_Visual_Decorations.jpg&imgrefurl=blog.babazeka.com/%3Fpaged%3D14&usg=__w6JYDnlqMSDW_zGq3P4cMzsbjM4=&h=450&w=450&sz=83&hl=en&start=0&sig2=Yqc7dQCz68flOM76oNnMIg&zoom=1&tbnid=xKdCWJ8e3vTGFM:&tbnh=175&tbnw=177&ei=4DaqTJXiL8GaOrreqOUM&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhandmade%2Bbeaded%2Bchristmas%2Bdecorations%2Bsouth%2Bafrica%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1024%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=152&vpy=257&dur=475&hovh=202&hovw=202&tx=114&ty=133&oei=4DaqTJXiL8GaOrreqOUM&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=14&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Hand made beaded decorations perhaps made by AIDS charities.

Family at home still does a traditional dinner (for this Nigella's bucket is imperative as you will not find a fresh turkey and will have to make do with frozen) but we have it on Christmas Eve as a late dinner. Thus avoiding the worst of the heat. Christmas day it self is spent around the pool with delicious salads made from left over turkey and ham.

Someone mentioned the Christmas pud icecream earlier in the thread - this is a must for a successfully festive pud in the warm weather.

Whereabouts in SA are you?

Poncy-poncetastic ponce alert!

I have made one of these.

A bit smaller than the pattern says, and I used embroidery silk for the leaves and berries for a shiny, christmassy feel.

I am so pleased.

There are bags of assorted sized jingle bells in Hobbycraft now, quite a lot in a bag. Lots of 'blank' hanging ornaments to decorate yourselves in wood, papier mache, ceramic and glass, nice if you want to personalise them.

I would caution you against their make your own cracker kit though, I bought one last year and the card shells are very flimsy and break easily, even before they are pulled. Although last year they sold bags of snaps so that you can make from scratch like Kirsty Allsopp did.

Bit shocked at Hobbycraft Christmas fabric prices, £10.99 per metre!! Am thinking about buying a plain throw and customising with applique/embroidery/beading for the sofa.

Someone wanted buttons, markets often have a haberdashery stall, lots of buttons, bundles of gold and silver ribbon etc.

OMG - I have all these knitted puddings, Santa and snowmen - vintage don't ya know .

Tbh I thought my mom knitted them when we were little because we were poor .

girlywhirly I like the idea of applique cushions. I'm thinking plain bold colours in the same vein as these Boden baby tops. But with 'Christmassy' theme

Perhaps more suited for children's room though?

Oh I wish I could crochet! I need a Christmas pudding bauble!! :)

Really love the chrochet bauble too . Can't crochet though.

Christmas cake making ladies - advice please. How often, and how much to feed the cake? I made my first ever on the weekend :o

Also, while I'm here - I used Delia's recipe, which said not to check cake before 4 hours. Luckily I did - it was ready by 3 hours. Anyone else found this? Or was my oven just too hot?

Apostrophe, possibly it was a bit hot. I made my first Delia christmas cake last year and it 7 hours. Then dh accidently dropped it and it smashed all over the floor. The second took about 6 hours I think. I think it depends on how boozy you want it with regards to how often you feed it iyswim?

wow, 7 hours!!! What temp? (I got the recipe from the internet, so perhaps I took it down wrong? Think it said 140.)

So, with the feeing, are we talking, weekly? Monthly? daily? A table spoon? 1/2 cup?(sorry, clueless)

Astrophe - I feed mine every Sunday, I use a large syringe (50ml?) I got from the vet (clean and fresh BTW :) ) and just squirt it on in stripes making sure I don't forget the edges I do the Delia one too and it takes about 4.5 hours on average.

Ok today I went out and bought 2 crochet hooks so getting this thread back so I can try some snowflakes later
I keep telling myself IF I CAN KNIT I CAN CROCHET, please tell me its true

and I'm going to get some felt and make some decorations in the christmas cupcake style, but mine will be puds!

TheProfiteroleThief I buy the bells for wrapping presents and the last couple of years I have bought them in B&Q or Homebase can't remember which, maybe both

OOh forgot to say i was o o p s a n d b a b y c o c o n u t but was found out so an in hiding :)

Will attempt to read whole thread later (have avoided it previously due to total lack of ponce credentials), but how might one affect a degree of ponciness when one is certain to be spending Christmas at parents'/PIL's house? My DS is 2 so starting to be able to appreciate Christmas poncery - what do you advise? I thought I might make him a proper stocking with his name on it...good chance to learn how to use my sewing machine