Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

For an alternative to Christmas pudding try Delia's fruit compote, sorry can't find link so here's a cut & paste:
Christmas dried fruit compote
This is Christmas pudding lite, with all the flavour and none of the stodge. You needn't stick rigidly to the fruits I chose. If you are lucky enough to live near a Middle Eastern deli, it may have some more unusual types. My nearest has one called "silk road trail mix" containing baby figs, green sultanas and even dried mulberries. Supermarkets often sell dried cranberries, cherries and blueberries. Be creative.
1 lb/450g dried fruit (I used equal quantities of apricots, figs, prunes, raisins and sultanas)
10 fl oz/250 ml dessert wine (I used port)
2 oranges
10 fl oz/250ml warm water
This is a breeze to make and I recommend doing so a day or two ahead of the big day. Soak the dried fruit with the dessert wine and the juice of one orange. Set aside. Cut the other orange into quarters and then slice as thinly as possible. Now drain the fruit, reserving all the boozy liquor.
Heat the water and simmer the dried fruit in it for 15 minutes. Remove it from the heat, add the boozy mixture again and allow it to cool before serving. I like this with crème fraîche.

What fab ideas - I feel a chutney moment coming on!! Read a little about sloes the other day which suggested collecting them at the end of October as a slight frost improves the flavour. Have never tasted sloe gin myself before but this is the year! Have had a pudding making party the last few years with friends, their kids and cheesy Christmas toons and this pudding has been a big hit. Really tasty yet not as heavy as some puddings.

Aquavit and SunshineOnLee now that you have 'fessed up, I feel brave enough to admit that I too have tinsel.

Not on the tree (never on the tree). I have really thick silver tinsel which is wound round white fairy lights and pinned all round the picture-rail in my duck-egg blue dining-room.

Despite the fact that I have nearly broken my neck putting it up and taking it down for the last three years, it has to be done to give the 'winter wonderland' effect I am after.

Me too FoundWaiting. No tinsel on the tree but I do wrap it over the cables of my white lights that wrap around my mirror. You'd be able to see the nasty green cables otherwise and that just would not co-ordinate!!

Bloody green cables. Curse of the Ponce.

My other bug-bear is not receiving cards which co-ordinate with the colour scheme. Some people just don't think things through.

Sorry not a fan of Delia/Nigella's Xmas pudding - we use family recipe based on soaking fruits in Guinness. But family recipes = ponce surely?

What do we think of stickers on windows? Kids want them, but I only allow them if they are of the appropriate colour scheme...

I do window stickers but they are tasteful (obv)!

I do window stickers on patio doors in kitchen. Cox and Cox have some nice ones.

fairy lights with white cable

I do window stickers in kids room, the cox and cox ones, and I'm very tempted by these for the kitchen

I love you, MrsTicklemouse.

I do window stickers. Gold stars in the gold-based room.

I have a magnolia tree in the front garden and have an urge to wrap it in fairy lights. Should I just go for it? And what about the little olive tree by the front door? One or the other? Or both?

Ladies I am here for your help. I have a very serious situation on my hands. I am LOVE a poncetastic Christmas but alas I have married the King of TAT. I decorate the tree with homemade decorations/biscuits/orange slices and ribbons, turn my back to feed the christmas cake and my tree turns into an abomination. My bunting and homemade garlands get covered in tinsel (blue for the love of little baby Jesus) and he laughs at my homemade chutneys/chilli sauce and candle. sob sob sob.

orienteer - I am of your Middle Eastern deli. That compote sounds gorgeous.

rnbs mum - I love the idea of a stir up party with friends and children. Do you all make stuff, take it in turns? or do you have one industrial sized stir up and then divide it up?

what do people give the DC as pudding on Christmas Day? Mine aren't mad keen on Christmas Pud and Yule Log just seems a bit naff. I made my own Yule Log a few years ago but even then its basically just a posh giant mini roll.

Well I confess that the tinsel was an imposition by DH but I have grown to love it. He is also the one who insists on coloured fairy lights. The thing is that when you embrace it and pile lots of glittering jewel colours onto - no wait, crucially, into, they must sit deep within the branches - a good bushy tree, it does look lovely.

Tis all in the application.

Mind you I burned my orange slices last year and the home-made fudge was a bit on the dry side, so I am not exactly queen of ponce.

Foundwanting, you see, this is where things go wrong. One tree with little lights can look lovely. But more than one is, surely, de trop.

oopsandbabycoconuts - I do not say this lightly but I think you may have to get rid. Do you have a patio you could bury him under?

Sunchine - I used epoxy putty to attach a small brass picture hook to our uPVC from door - during the rest of the year I hang a little blackboard on it to leave messages for people when we are out in the back garden/DD is sleeping/DH best not come in because I may kil him :)

Sunshine - I got some solar ones - they work on daylight not sun necassarily - and some battery ones from B&Q last year.

House of Fraser have got 3 for 2 on their Christmas stuff.

What do you think of these to decorate my little olive tree? Would they be ok outside but under cover? My wreath is going to be green and red so it would tie-in colourwise.

Oops can't you let DH have his own little tree? In a shed perhaps? Then he can have all the tinsel he wants and you won't have to see it.

I guess the link would help.

For the wreath, Homebase had some suction hooks last year. Friends used it and their wreath stayed put.

Where do you get solar-powered fairy lights, please?

Oh my word I have come home! I cant believe it took so long to find you lot :) I hope you don't mind me joining you. I was rather poncetastic-my family just ignore it now.
As soon I work out how I'll pop a picture up of my lovely garland I made for our stairs last year inbetween m.s spells. Please also coo over my 12 week old ds while you are there.
I'm still thinking about a theme this year. I'm dressing ds up as a pudding well he cant protest at 5 months old!
I prefer Floyd's xmas pudding( we now do it in his memory).
sunshineonlee I think John Lewis do outdoor battery operated ones. I cheated last year and just used indoor one to cover the bay tree.
Will carry on reading the rest of the thread asap.

Foundwanting I think that is very pretty, and as long as you think it will stand up to being outdoors I would go for it.

I need a new wreath for this year. Anyone seen any fabulous ones?