Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

little tiny biscotti are a great idea for gifts.

They're easy, lots of christmassy recipes, look fab tied in cellophane and keep, so you can make them in advance. We made these last year and they went down storm.

We've decided to make christmas chutney this year, found this recipe which sounds delish and, again, made in advance.

Where do people get their sloe/damson berries? I have every berry under the sun in my garden, except those two, and I've no idea where I'll find any bushes either.

You're welcome

Cinder toffee is another one, easy to make and cheap. Or fudge? This Nigella recipe is nice and can be made in advance and frozen.

Anyone noticing a theme here? I love the idea of making something every week, makes christmas last for ages, rather than a mad rush in the last 2 weeks.

Ooohh. I have found my spiritual home.

We have a festive moustache above the mirror on the mantelpiece. It is twiggy and greenery and lovleyness, and we hang glass baubles that hold tealights from it.

Our living room is wrong for gingham, however yes to hiding presents with wrap not up to scratch, and shoeboxes of ribbon (labelled boxes natch as dh will not let me label shelves in airing cupboard. Meanie).

I am glad my poncery is fully appreciated on this thread. I don't eat meat tho so I feel that much poncery is lost to me.

Sloe/damsons in most hedgerows at the moment MrsChemist, go forth and find them .It's usually one or t'other in your area I've found though. Good chance to scope out holly bushes too.

One thing I will say about poncery though is that it gets old very quickly after Christmas. I start early but am bored of it all and everything comes down the day after Boxing Day. And I hate New Year.

Sloe's being picked on school run here [terrible mother emoticon]

Tippy I'm with you on everything down day after boxing day!

poncey advent calender that you don't need to fill yourself!

Foody gift ideas

Not convinced of its poncetasticness but will impress the children here

More the idea that the dodgy recipe here

I promise they are better than they sound

For all you poncetastic needs

kormachameleon - Dh and I were thinking exactly the same about making hampers for presents. So far we had thought about making christmas chutney, cranberry sauce, apple sauce, biscuits, chocolates/truffles, fudge, christmas puddings, mince pies, mulled wine, some sort of infused olive oil and fruit in alcohol jars (eg peaches in brandy etc...). Seeing as we now never go out of a weekend and have realised saturday night tv is rubbish we are planning on spending our saturday evenings making and baking!!!

I'm thinking of getting a faux fireplace in my fireplace-less front room JUST so I have somewhere to stand my gilt 'N O E L ' letters

[jumps and waves madly]

Can I join in please please please?!

I'm just planning my festive gift hampers :)

Also - what food should I serve at my poncetastic christmas drinks party extravaganza?

Ooooh I have so many lovely canape ideas to pass on - so glad you asked! Must go and peruse special Festive Poncetastic canape books now. Be back later.

Canapes are whee i come into my own.

This is what i did last year.

2 Large Garlic and Rosemary Focaccia cut into strips drizzled with divine Olive Oil.

I got out my Huge Rustic Stone platter that i like and put a home made Cranberry Hummus and a Herb Dip in the middle then put tons of different rainbow Veg around it for dipping.

I did tiny puff pastry tartlets with Goats Cheese, Caramelised, Red Onion and Pesto.

I had huge homemade Crust loaves cut up for people to enjoy and of course a beautiful Cheese Board with Grapes and Wine.

Some Spiced Christmas Nuts which went down a storm..

I will think of the rest and come back to you.

Or if your doing a Sit down dinner Party i have a lovely Venison and Juniper Stew recipe and a gorgeous Pork and Cider Stew Recipe, goes lovely on the table with a pile of Warm bread.

I am loving the random capitalisation, Tits

Both Stew recipes, please

Marks place to return for Christmas poncery

We have no fairy lights on the tree, just real candles in German holders. Even if I were to decorate everything else in wall-to-wall multicoloured tinsel (you know, that sort where one colour is inextricably longer than the other) I still reckon that gets ponce points...

I want real candles on my tree. OK, I know the house will burn to the ground but I really want them.

Wow - it's canape ideas I need the most but venison and juniper stew - that sounds bloody fantastic!

Love the rustic stone idea with hummous and the cheese board. I'd thought as well I could put out a massive platter of cured meats - like an antipasto kind of idea....and also maybe a platter of smoked salmon - I mean SURELY smoked salmon at Christmas is poncetastic? (with lemon wedges scattered around?)

Fellatio, we do keep a number for the fireman handy. What's more cheering at Christmas than a houseful of firemen?

The number for the fireman is 999 surely?! Even I know that without keeping it handy!

You could make them all kiss you one by one under the mistletoe as they come in with their huge ahem spurty hose.

I set fire to my house with my poncestastic Christmas foliage and candle display in oasis last year. Hand-made, it was. It was on top of the piano, we left the candles to burn too low, (alcohol related oversight) no-one WARNED me that oasis is highly flammable, even when soaked in water, and it was all very dramatic.

That display was really good as well.

We have a fireman mate who always says he is on standby from the day our tree goes up to 12th night - but yes, I believe 999 tends to work well

Is wet oasis really flammable - how peculiar.

I don't know where the random Capitals come from, i touch type and my Brains works quicker than my fingers and they just pop out!

The Recipes are here by the way, i have had a few people ask me for them recently so i have added them to my blog makes my life a lot easier!

Just browsing poncetastic Christmas choral music (for carols) and ratpack style (non carols) on i tunes.

Almost exploding with excitement!