Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

OOh, might have to make Christmas Pudding Vodka!!

And then cross fingers furiously that DD goes with my 'stopping BF by 1st birthday" idea so I can drink some!

While waiting with fingers tapping nervously for an answer to the question of the gold tree necklace, and wondering if I'll have to rehome all of mine and make some popcorn garlands instead, I've become addicted to this; I feel bound to warn you, it may come between you and your nearest and dearest. Of course, it is no substitute for the real Christmas experience.

I feel I can compete on the ponce scale.

I have a tree (blue spruce normally, dragged home laughingly from local field. Probably wearing scarf) which has decs from my childhood and glass baubles and NO TINSEL. DD has a mini tree for tat.

We(DD and I) make cards and only display nice ones, pinned to special ribbon with special pegs. We are also painting dolly pegs in a festive way now for bigger cards and Christmas artwork from school.

I have a citrus wreath with cloves and nutmeg and cinammon. Tied with raffia. Took ages last year and I may do more and pomanders. I also make two wreaths myself with poncey ribbon.

I wrap all presents in brown paper with real ribbon. I have three shoeboxes of real ribbon. I hide presents with naff paper at the back of the tree and crap cards under other cards

DD and I get dressed up for Christmas day. Even though it's just us.

I make spicy nuts, truffles,gingerbread,sloe gin,whisky marmalade etc even though we don't like any of it. I then have to make hasty friends with the neighbours so that I have someone to offload it all on.

I save the Country Livings and start re-reading them all from October. They give me the warm festive fuzzies. I then buy every Christmas magazine available and judge the Wilko/Black tree types in a sneery way.

I force bulbs in vintage teacups and tie bows round them with ribbon and lace.

I have an old school trunk FULL of Christmas carol CDs, DVDs, stories and various other crap things and have a mass unpacking session on December 1st. When we play carols and have mulled wine.

I long to go to the CL Fair. Think of me when you're there won't you?

Tippy, I have just fallen a little bit in love with you.

What a fabulous thread - I'm feeling all festive now!

Does anyone have a good recipe for sloe gin or similar christmas boozy stuff? Ideally, something that looks totally poncetastic, but is a doddle to throw together

Last year we made everyone a hamper of homemade goodies, marmalades, old fashioned sweets, ginger wine etc, all boxed up in brown paper and raffia, 'twas lovely but a lot of work for 20 people. I'd like to focus most of my ponce towards home this year

Please, please, please can I join in? Have already told DH we're spending today planting bulbs in the pots outside our back door (back door V Christmassy, and leads into big sitting room, so focus of all things Poncey) The blooms will provide the Christmas morning nosegay.
I decorated my sitting room just in time for Christmas whilst V pg with DS2, so it fits the bill nicely, all red/gold with a red enamel stove surrounded with candles.
Am also going to get started on Christmas pudding vodka for gifts, and have heard there's a glut of sloes in a secret location (had to give big Sis an arm burn to get it out of her), so may also get sloe gin on the go this week.
Have often tried to dry my own apple/orange slices, but failed in spectacular manner, as they just cook and then go slimey. Maybe my oven's too hot? Yet another reason to swap it for an Aga, then .
Getting so excited about all this poncing, I keep having to get up and wee!

There are loads of Christmas Pudding Vodkas about just google it.
I have been meaning to make some flavoured Vodka for years now for my BIL.
Although scanning some of the sites there is a recipe for Bacon flavoured Vodka...

I just stick to the Mulled Wine or Mulled Ale from my Blog its yummy and really warms your cockles whilst at an outdoor Carol evening or something.

I always make a Gingerbread House.

I came here in a slightly scoffing mood but actually much of it seems very appealing

All Mnetters who are at the CL fair should be forced to wear red tinsel tied round their heads to show who they are

Tis HILARIOUS at the CL fair. Best people watching anywhere

lowlevel, was it the ribbon boxes that did it ?

I want to make a gingerbread house now. Off to Lidl (who already have their lovely Christmas stuff in. yum)

Tippy, you had me at "vintage teacups"

Oooh can I join too please? Hosting Christmas here this year for DH's family wo want to make a good impression and as it will be DD's first birthday earlier in December I need to be organised.

I am a dab hand at making Delia's Christmas cake so that will be fine. Thinking about making her Christmas chutney - has anyone used that recipe? Is it good? Do you have better Christmas chutney recipes?

I meant "so want to make a good impression" obviously not "wo". Good start.

Yey, Hercules :)

We've got a first birthdays and a poncetatsic Christmas to organise! We're going to need all the help we can get :)

mathanxiety I'll take a chance and pronounce tre necklaces poncetastic, as I have several in the approved quality street colours.

Not sure about all this hand-crafting going on tbh. I prefer the 'clever cheats' route eg Lidl gingerbread house, Lidl flavoured oils (soak the labels off and replace with own beribboned tags), Lidl stollen has quite a hand-made appearance when re-warpped in greaseproof and tied with ribbon...and what could be more poncetastic than authentic German produce

I am going to be making apple and blackberry jam today - not particularly christmassy but will put poncetastic labels on them for presents. Can you tell we have apples to use up...

Marking my place. Will be back later.

I still have last year's Christmas Pudding Vodka in the freezer. It's not really very nice - but a great concept, and we did manage to use some up as fuel for lighting the Christmas Pud itself.

TippyChooks - I'm delighted to find someone who treats Christmas poncery with the full seriousness it deserves. The bulbs in vintage teacups is inspired.

Haha I am 45 and have never hosted Xmas. The secret to getting away with this is: always live somewhere that's too small to fit other people in.

I like your style SGB. Sadly, our family is so small that the average shoe box would be large enough to host Christmas in. Add to that I'm the only one in the family with a child and suddenly, you're hosting Christmas for 10 years without a break.

Mind you, Mil's Christmas is definitely NOT poncestastic, but is full of Aunt Bessies and Iceland goodies (?)

I'm just soaking up the ponciness of this thread and hoping some of it will rub off.

I confess to doing Jamie's Christmas Dinner. I watch the DVD on the laptop on Christmas Eve while I make flavoured butters and chop up my veg.

I'm hoping this year will be a bit classier than last....but can't imagine making yorkshire pudding when I can buy Aunt Bessies

As far a turducken goes, if you make it yourself from scratch, then it's poncetastic; if you get the frozen £9.99 one from Aldi, then it's really not at all poncetastic.

Have I left it too late to make Sloe/Damson gin?

I am endeavouring to make all my presents this year. DB will be particularly difficult because he can take or leave most of my gift ideas which are:
Sloe/damson gin
truffles
jam and preserves
biscuits
mulled wine gift set type things.

I've decided to make him some homemade Jack Daniel's barbecue sauce, because he likes that.

However, I don't like barbecue sauce, and have never made it. DH will have to do it.

Tree necklaces poncetastic for sure. I have some! NO tinsel though. My Dad uses tinsel liberally and laughs at my tinsel aversion.

Trees. Yes plural. Main tree is decorated in mainly red, gold and green but have been adding silver to it to lift it a bit as it was a bit drab to be honest. I have been collecting decorations for years. From little brass bells that I bought in a market in London the first year that I was living with DH and we had a tiny tree to ones I have bought in Thailand and Vietnam. Lots of memories when I open the boxes.

A few years ago I had all my family coming for Xmas and went totally overboard. Saw lovely tree decorations in Ikea that year in lime green, hot pink and turquoise and bought them and had a second tree in the hall with them on.

Last year we were away and were going quite early and we decided not to put our tree up as too much faff. So I bought a cheap as chips black one (I know I know!!) from Tesco with silver and turquoise decorations and we put that up. I would never use that as main tree but it was a fun one. Looked ok but not my usual. I think I will keep it and use in it hallway of house in UK. Bright pinks etc will go in kitchen/dining area and traditional one in living room. Is 3 trees a bit much? Have until next Xmas to decide that!

I also have a large collection of Father Christmases. Ceramic ones, metal ones etc. I used to put them all around the place but then stole an idea from a friend who has similar and has them all on the top of one cupboard. So I clear away photo frames from console table behind sofa and put them there.

the Xmas pudding voddy will deffo be better if you make it now and drink it next Xmas, the same with the cranberry voddy

The Citrus whiskey in Hocchie's link is DIVINE and will be ready for Xmas if you make it now

Jamie's method of cooking turkey using veggies as a trivet makes the most amazing gravy as well as delish meat