DD school doesn’t allow packed lunch and she’s losing so much weight

[mamatothreebunnies]

My 9yo DD goes to a school where packed lunch isn’t allowed. It’s just an outright no and non negotiable. However, she’s extremely selective with food, (hate using the word fussy, but FUSSY!) and therefore loses a ton of weight during term time. I’ve spoken to school multiple times and their only help is to offer her plain pasta (she asked for this since she won’t eat anything else on school menu). But that means most days she’s eating a small hit of plain pasta from breakfast until 4pm. She comes out looking yellow and pale and I have to take her a full on packed lunch meal to eat on the very short drive home as shes starving. Over the summer break she’s looking healthy and has gained 3kg by eating healthy foods I know she likes.

the problem is she only likes food the way I make it (I’m honoured but it’s quite problematic). So she wouldn’t eat the school burger, or their bolognese, or their lasagne or whatever else. But would if I make it.

what would you do? I want to get her seen by a doctor who would maybe support us by something officially written to say if she could be allowed packed lunch. Obviously I wouldn’t send in nuts and if it’s a case of allergies they worried about I’m happy to go and sit in the car park every lunch time whilst she eats her lunch in the car and goes back into school.

im really worried for her and I just have let this go on for too long and don’t want her going through another academic year of poor eating during the day.

Unless she starts eating lunch the school provides then I would stop all of her before and after school activities. She needs a consequence.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to ask for short term help from the school. But, unless there is a spectrum related outcome (in other words, actually yes she’s just v fussy) you’re setting her up for difficulties in so many social situations. Any which involve food that you haven’t cooked, basically. Can you imagine how restrictive that will be?

I hope the GP has some suggestions for you both.

@OhcantthInkofaname You are utterly misinformed. Information here if you can be bothered to educate yourself. https://www.cuh.nhs.uk/patient-information/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-arfid/

Sodding schools, I hate the way they are managed these days. Commonsense out of the window because of gutless staff.

My daughters school, we have the option of school dinners or packed lunch. The school con not say no to a meal throughout the day that would give your child what she needs. They have a duty of care while she is at school. Raise this with the school, that they are not providing adequate duty of care and maybe speak to to your local council and the school council for support.

Going back to the 1960s I used to pay a boy in my class 3d to eat my school dinner,i absolutely hated every meal,never ate a thing and to this day mash potatoes and custard make me cringe.

My son was like this, it led to him refusing to eat anything at school even when eventually taking the food he likes because food and meals had become such a point of stress. We were waiting for a neurodiversity assessment for ages, told by GP and school they thought it was highly unlikely. he has now been diagnosed with both ADHD and autism. his food issues have simply got worse over the years because of the amount of stress around the issue.

We were recently advised that refusing to eat in certain environments can be an attempt to reduce sensory overload, which kind of explains why kids like this may not want to eat in unfamiliar settings. So she may do better eating in a quiet room as well.
her schedule sounds really punishing btw, it might be worth doing some deep thinking about whether it’s appropriate if she is looking frail and also making sure that it is coming from a place in her of enthusiasm and not anxiety about falling behind

School is being ridiculous. Argue the toss - the school is being negligent.

Stupid question, are children allowed to leave school on their lunch break these days? When my DD was in school loads of the children went home lunch time, she went to my mum's as it was near by for a few years.
If you are willing to meet her and she can eat in the car then I would do this. It would only be 20/25 mins max.

My boys don’t eat at school. I give them food and they done eat it. They don’t lose weight as they make up for it after school - it’s only 6 hours a day. I think you need to get it checked out.

Speak to the school. School chefs can be really helpful. I had one student who would only eat a peanut butter sandwich. That's what the kitchen made for her. every day. There will be yoghurts, bananas, puddings, fruit. Possibly bread.
I would ask, honestly. If she won't touch generic food like bread or bananas, then the problem is a different one.

What?

I had a similar thing with my son at an independent school - the official line for no packed lunches was because they said they had insufficient refrigerated storage. My son refused to eat anything at lunch as he said the food was dreadful (in fairness, my daughter, who eats anything and everything, also said the meals were awful). As a result, he couldn’t concentrate in the afternoon as he was starving and his behaviour suffered because he was constantly ‘hangry’. I ended up getting our GP on board and I got around the lack of refrigeration argument by sending him in with a hot meal in a food flask. Funny old thing, we saw an almost instant improvement in mood and behaviour and his academics also improved too.

This would be a game changer for me and I would change schools because we had a massive food journey with my daughter's food. Resolved now but canteen food is not going to be her choice in secondary either.

Friend worked in one. Meals were superb.

To be honest, canteen food is often pretty vile. My dd’s private school had this rule and she got through by eating dry crackers and the occasional bits which were less horrible!

She was so happy when she got to sixth form and could buy or bring her own lunch.

They can’t deny any child the chance of a packed lunch, as PP has said it’s non-negotiable. I have a very fussy eater, for 2 years she literally lived off, of plain pasta, not the best but it is all we could get her to eat.
Do not back down tell them you are worried about her eating habits and SHE WILL BRING A PACKED LUNCH from home. Stand your ground over it.
If she is losing weight as quickly as you say get her to see the GP and again don’t back down.

Absolutely with you OP...your daughter needs some good home provided food during her long days. Good luck advocating for her.

X

As someone suggested. Have a look at AFRID and have a look at Women's Hour BBC 4 programme. There was a mother of a child with this syndrome few months ago. It must be on BBC sounds.

A friend’s child only eats her mum’s food. This has now turned into a serious eating disorder phobia - only certain foods. Prepared in a certain way, only certain bottles of water, they have to drive miles to get a certain brand. Something to do with a fear of germs. Go and see a psychologist.

I'd get her up early and give her a cooked breakfast sausages, eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast. As you cooked it she'd eat it. Then a banana for lunch break. Then the. plain pasta for lunch (I'd be asking for her to have a piece of fruit too) and packed lunch in the car and dinner at home. If she's eating all of that she can't be losing weight.

She needs a consequence for being unable to eat the school food? Oh fab idea! Let’s punish her for having a miserable, no-fault-of-her-own eating disorder (more than likely. Hungry kids eat stuff they don’t really like. People with ARFID or suffer with a selective eating issue will not. Not at all. Not even when their insides are hurting because they’re that hungry, because the fear of the food on offer is that strong, or the sensation is that repulsive. I think OP’s daughter would have given up by now if she just fancied a packed lunch and picked not being starving every day.

My son would be like this op, his lunch consists of a yoghurt, banana, popcorn, cereal bar and sandwiches/ bagel/ bread roll/ wraps. A small bit of pasta is awful- depending on what she eats at home I don’t know that a trip to the doctor is necessary but if the school can’t accommodate you, I don’t know- a child can’t perform at school/ play/ function on that

My son is exactly the same and I always worry about him at school. I have spoken to his teachers multiple times, but I get the same response.and he also eats plain pasta for his lunch every single day. I have also spoken to his GP and they said most children will have nutrient deficiencies and he seems fine. People have commented on how skinny he is

I am wondering if there is some form of disordered eating (ARFID), which is about fussy eating. Does she have an issue with textures and smells?
I would consider sending in double snacks for snack time (nutrious stuff that she likes) and ensure she is having a really good breakfast.
If it is ARFID, she may likely need cognitive behaviour therapy to nip it in the bud - speak to your GP and insist on bloods.