DD school doesn’t allow packed lunch and she’s losing so much weight

[mamatothreebunnies]

My 9yo DD goes to a school where packed lunch isn’t allowed. It’s just an outright no and non negotiable. However, she’s extremely selective with food, (hate using the word fussy, but FUSSY!) and therefore loses a ton of weight during term time. I’ve spoken to school multiple times and their only help is to offer her plain pasta (she asked for this since she won’t eat anything else on school menu). But that means most days she’s eating a small hit of plain pasta from breakfast until 4pm. She comes out looking yellow and pale and I have to take her a full on packed lunch meal to eat on the very short drive home as shes starving. Over the summer break she’s looking healthy and has gained 3kg by eating healthy foods I know she likes.

the problem is she only likes food the way I make it (I’m honoured but it’s quite problematic). So she wouldn’t eat the school burger, or their bolognese, or their lasagne or whatever else. But would if I make it.

what would you do? I want to get her seen by a doctor who would maybe support us by something officially written to say if she could be allowed packed lunch. Obviously I wouldn’t send in nuts and if it’s a case of allergies they worried about I’m happy to go and sit in the car park every lunch time whilst she eats her lunch in the car and goes back into school.

im really worried for her and I just have let this go on for too long and don’t want her going through another academic year of poor eating during the day.

This. I’m related to someone with this condition. ❤️

Ha no they don't...! They might have a member of staff in charge of first aid and giving medicines but they usually aren't medically trained or a nurse!

Please do not say 'slightly on the spectrum' - you're either autistic or you're not. It's offensive to say 'slightly autistic'.

This. There are a lot of ignorant and very judgemental people who have absolutely no idea and often aren't even bright enough to be willing to educate themselves.

My DS had this.

He didn't eat the school lunches.

He didn't get pale or yellow through so I'd worry something else is going on.

In his case the school clocked he wasn't eating anything and organised a meeting with me. They suggested various things including getting an adult to go through and encourage him. I was happy for them to try but it made no difference (and I expected it to make no difference).

We were permitted to send "snacks" in so he and I decided that snacks was any food not a sandwich and sent in stuff like chocolate biscuits, fruit, small cheese like baby bells.
Sorry to hear that option is not open to you.

Dc ate very little at that age and he was under the hospital. What i would say is that you give her high calorie every thing so cream, butter etc in every thing. We had to do this. So if she will eat anything with a higher calorie version give it to het. If she os eating breakfast, afternoon pack lunch and then a supper she is eating 3 meals s day. You could also look at gloucose tables for in her pocket if she coukd cope with them.

It's not easy to navigate food with children like this, I had a very fussy child, she's autistic and it was an uphill struggle to get her to eat, and anything would put her off BUT persevering is so important, it took until mid teens to get my dd eating what even comes close to a balanced diet and she still picks out the bits she doesn't like as an adult, however the presence of the disliked food on the plate no longer causes her to refuse to eat anything (eg picks out onions and peppers).

Basically from what you say your dd does eat foods at home so is it the school dinner taste it's self? Or the way it's presented or the environment, can't deal with the lunch hall? Rather than giving up, could you go in and sit with her at school, demonstrate you eating the food (I had to do this).

I know people here are saying AFRID but she's eating these foods nominally at home, I'm wondering if it's something else?

Can you introduce some of the exact school snacks at home so Dd becomes familiar with them?
Try to replicate the lunch time experience at home - eating from plate etc

Join the parents club and voice and vote on having more snack stations (fewer kids waiting in lines) and also have an influence and a say on the lunches being served.
Invite a nutritionist or dietition to a meeting.

Try hard to not have your child eat at Breakfast Club. If she starts with a hearty breakfast at home she will last better until the lunchbox meal after school.

Make sure there are not other reasons for the not eating...
Does Dd get over excited to play?
Is Dd a very slow eater?
Does Dd have a lack of smell?
Is Dd not familiar with table manners?
Does Dd not like who she has to sit next to?

And a great idea, above, to go into school and give your child confidence by sitting with them, eating the food, liking the food, learning the routine and encouraging eating from the menu.

Quite frankly you are paying for school so you need to tell them what your daughter needs not just ask. Completely get they do a very long day and a lot of exercise so need plenty of fuel for the day. We have a child who is beyond adventurous with food at home loves going out to amazing restaurants and trying new foods. However he is on medication that suppress his appetite and his weight was dropping which meant he may have had to come off medication and he had said he hated lots of the school food. We firstly made sure we got up in time to make a large cooked breakfast which generally consisted of some sort of eggs and a couple times of week would also include bacon or sausages or sometimes went off piste and gave him lots of hummus with toasted pitta and veg sticks (I know a bit unusual for breakfast but nutritionally good). Our school gave substantial snacks at break time such as crumpets so that was ok but his energy levels were going in the afternoon and he couldn’t concentrate so we sent in a snack that we insisted he needed mid afternoon. Lunches I do question how good they were and they also cook completely without salt so even things like chips tasted odd to him. There was a salad bar that was meant for only years 7 and 8 but we insisted he be able to be allowed access to it to pick exactly what he wanted and all was ok. Now he has moved to secondary where the number of options are extraordinary and he is very happy and loving his lunches.

In prep had a friend with a child who had similar eating issues to yours who was then diagnosed with autism. She would eat okish at home but if it was pasta it had to be certain brand of pasta or certain brand of cheese or pizza etc. The Mum had many meetings with the chef and they worked hard to accommodate her needs cooking what she would eat and although packed lunches were not normally allowed she was allowed a packed lunch a few times a week to make sure she ate.

You need to stop asking but insist.

👆This 👆

I’m assuming this is a private/fee paying school and that school lunches are part of the package. While I can see in your daughter’s case this is problematic, I do see the benefits of the children eating the same thing together each day.
I think they are making an accommodation by offering plain pasta, as a previous poster mentioned could they supplement this with some fruit/yoghurt/oat cakes etc?
Obviously if there is a wider issue and you have a dr note this is a different issue and I’m sure the school would then allow a packed lunch.
If it is simply your daughter being fussy then I would stick to offering the usual lunches. My son is fussy too and I am going to pay for school lunches once they are no longer free as I feel sitting and eating with his friends helps him normalise different foods.

I imagine you’re feeling pretty silly now the OP has confirmed her child has siblings?

I am going to keep calling out the constant negative stereotyping of only children on this site because it’s getting ridiculous.

This is nonsense. Stop painting children with feeding issues as manipulative. Do you think children enjoy being hungry?

OP I would go back to the GP for sure. It's no good that she's not eating lunch, especially with that timetable, but I would be concerned something else is going on as well. One of my DC has autism and ADHD. Between the medication and being selective (not ARFID level, though) he got thin enough that we nearly put him on appetite stimulants. But he was just thin; he didn't look ill.

She may also have ARFID, I can't rule that out. But I think both things need to be pursued. The school is being unreasonable. I know private schools have far more leeway surrounding this, but they're prioritising The Rules over a child being properly fed. Changing schools would be best but as you say she has a year there regardless. I would try asking the GP for a note as a start.

In my secondary school I wasn't allowed a packed lunch the first year. I hated the food. I lost so much weight my school kilt just used to face the wrong way, it just moved. The school dinner ladies used to urge me to eat, giving me extra of the stuff I would eat, like an extra fish finger. It was a bleak year. Because you are active and not eating it just falls off. 2nd year onwards you could take a pack lunch and I filled out again. The school should have leeway in this instance.

My 15. Year old is the same fussy and doesn’t eat anything at all until he comes home from school. My 13 year old ain’t fussy but just doesn’t like the school food- she will eat breakfast and then nothing until home. So my 15 year old will eat when he gets home, then have dinner and then have a “supper”. So he’s getting all the food he needs just in a different time scale to most.

Sadly NHS is very poor when it comes to stuff like that, not to mention the waiting list.
My autistic toddler is extremely selective, it took us 2 years to see a dietician after a LOT of convincing, going back to GPs and whatnot, they saw us and decided 5 foods he eats is plenty and bye bye, that was all.

Sadly for some kids it's a sensory issue or otherwise and a doctor will be of zero help, but having a food brought from home should be a reasonable solution.

I worked in an academy (UK) that did that. Some kids parents didnt have enough money to pay but didnt quality for FSM and they were constantly in debt, but the school would not allow the kids to bring their own food (there was food at home, just not enough to pay extra for the lunches). I suppose this is somehting parents wuold be signing when the child joined the school.

Quite a few schools in our area do obligatory school lunch under the guise of allergies/healthy food for all (so kids dont bring crisps and chocolate bars as lunch), but really it's because it's cheaper for school to roder more food and get a better price and also not have waste as they know exactly how many meals will be eaten.

I think you are extremely ignorant to make such a horrible comment.

School nurses work are an NHS role similar to a health visitor. There isn't one per school but every school will have one allocated.
https://www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/public-health/roles-public-health/school-nurse

Not sure about private schools though.

What the fuck has being an only child got to with this?

Oh right yeah I forgot, on mn all only children are indulged pfbs with parents who are neurotic because obviously they have soooooo much time on their hands they have to fill it by being overly worried about their lonely only child 🙄

@mamatothreebunnies Go to the GP and get a Dr note whilst asking for support in how to broaden her food horizons. I think it goes beyond "fussy" it sounds like she may have an anxiety around food or as others have mentioned, arfrid or similar.

I'd also look into the school policy fully, as a pp mentioned, at 9 their lunches need to be paid for so how are they forcing everyone to do that with no other options? Seems a bit suss to me.

Not ok. Go further up the line and do whatever it takes. She can’t be losing 3kg every term!

Tricky.. but you're saying she has eggs and toast for breakfast, another breakfast at breakfast club, a bowl of plain pasta at lunch, then a packed lunch in the car and then her evening meal before bed? This seems like quite a reasonable amount of food to me- I'm no expert-but I might try an squeeze a piece of fruit in somewhere.
Does she drink during the day? Perhaps it's dehydration that has her so tired after her after school activities?
Has anyone else commented on her looking yellow? That does seem worrying.
Whatever is going on here, do as others have said and see the doctor.
Good luck.

@mamatothreebunnies

I work in a school this is not our policy. If it was, like any school, we would be duty bound to make reasonable adjustments for any SEN children who may have ASD or ARFRID. Look in to ARFRID. I would take her the doctors and try and get a diagnosis - I don’t think she’s just being fussy because she is literally starving herself. If the school don’t then make reasonable adjustments after a diagnosis (a packed lunch is very reasonable adjustment) they’re breaking the SEND code of practice and you could take it further to the governors or LA.

Sorry this is happening to you both and good luck. 💐

Doesn’t sound like an inclusive or nurturing school who won’t allow any food in and provide poor dinners, and I expect you are paying a lot for it! I’d move pronto!