DD school doesn’t allow packed lunch and she’s losing so much weight

[mamatothreebunnies]

My 9yo DD goes to a school where packed lunch isn’t allowed. It’s just an outright no and non negotiable. However, she’s extremely selective with food, (hate using the word fussy, but FUSSY!) and therefore loses a ton of weight during term time. I’ve spoken to school multiple times and their only help is to offer her plain pasta (she asked for this since she won’t eat anything else on school menu). But that means most days she’s eating a small hit of plain pasta from breakfast until 4pm. She comes out looking yellow and pale and I have to take her a full on packed lunch meal to eat on the very short drive home as shes starving. Over the summer break she’s looking healthy and has gained 3kg by eating healthy foods I know she likes.

the problem is she only likes food the way I make it (I’m honoured but it’s quite problematic). So she wouldn’t eat the school burger, or their bolognese, or their lasagne or whatever else. But would if I make it.

what would you do? I want to get her seen by a doctor who would maybe support us by something officially written to say if she could be allowed packed lunch. Obviously I wouldn’t send in nuts and if it’s a case of allergies they worried about I’m happy to go and sit in the car park every lunch time whilst she eats her lunch in the car and goes back into school.

im really worried for her and I just have let this go on for too long and don’t want her going through another academic year of poor eating during the day.

She shouldn’t be losing weight if she’s having a decent breakfast, fruit snack at school, pasta - even a small portion, a big snack after school and dinner. Why’s she looking yellow?

Definitely take her to the doctor but she’s with you the large majority of her meals in a week so, while the ban on packed lunches is stupid and wrong, I’m not sure it makes sense.

I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter. I was very fussy as a child and I now recognise that I had sensory issues with food. I remember a "dinner lady" trying to make me eat something, otherwise I would not be allowed out. I tried it and was gagging so I was quite prepared to sit there for the rest of the day if that was the alternative. Also as I got older, I simply wouldn't eat anything, or just s bit of bread on school trips. Trying to force me to eat something made it worse, and I still have a couple of things I can't face eating because of it, even though my diet is now pretty good. I believe I've read that some people's taste buds just don't mature until a lot later, so combine that with sensory issues and food becomes a minefield. I hope the school will accept a doctor's note.

I agree with all of this. If she's looking yellow and faint, you should get her checked over.

How long is it between breakfast and home time OP?

And is she allowed a snack at school?

Is the issue just with school food? So will she eat restaurant food or food cooked by a family member or friend?

Just wondering if it's a shit school food issue or a medical issue like arfid or anxiety? Anyways, best to establish what the root cause is and try to address that.

Nobody should look yellow missing a single meal, especially when they have a snack mid morning and/or plain pasta. That's the serious issue here.

If you are being dramatic to emphasise the point, or she's playing it up, I'd look more carefully at your own behaviour around her eating and how much attention she gets.

She definitely shouldn't be losing weight just from eating a late lunch 5 days a week, and really shouldn't be pale and yellow - I would take her to the doctor asap!

I am sorry to hear this, that sounds really concerning for you and a battle with the school that seems unnecessary. I am wondering support you have regarding your child’s difficulties with food? Something that has come to mind as a parent of a child with an eating disorder is whether your child may have Arfid or another eating disorder that may need explored. It is really tricky to navigate but there is some good resources on Beat website. Are you allowed/have capacity to do home lunch or meet her and have lunch in the car? It is far from ideal and the school are not being reasonable in my view but you need some practical solutions in place right now. How many calories a day do you think she might be taking in? I would suggest a weight and height check from gp or school nurse as a starting point. How much weight each week is your child losing?

Don't be ridiculous. What a nasty comment.

Unless the OP's nickname actually refers to rabbits, I'm guessing no.

The GP to address the problem. The school should make reasonable adjustments but will want evidence. You also need to get to the issue. Potential complaint to the school if no change.
Hopefully that happens fast but ultimately health is more important so ultimately is looking for a school with a different policy and view. Of course it shouldn’t have to come to moving a happy child away from friends but if complaints are not dealt with then that or home school.

Mind you, being the only child eating a packed lunch out of the entire school, could also cause issues.

can she have a big breakfast before school?

when I know I won't have access to the food I want, I can change my meals around. I don't eat breakfast otherwise but do when needs must.

Or give her a huge dinner- again, I eat a big dinner if won't have access to good food next day ( I normally eat a light dinner or none).

You have my sympathies. I am a FUSSY eater and generally have a feeling of about to throw up at certain foods or frequency of some.

Luckily, my mum was allowed to buy me what I preferred to eat.

To clarify some things

• it’s a private school. Hours are long. Most days she’s in from 7:30-4/4:30 due to clubs SHE has chosen and wanting to do so it’s not just one lunch amongst a normal school day. If she goes to breakfast club she’ll have a bowl of coco pops and a hot chocolate. Hardly nutritious. At home she has fruit and 2 dippy eggs with toast for breakfast.
• she sleeps early 7:30/8 due to her long days so her “eating” window after school is short. although she has her after school car meal and then dinner. She’s then busy with homework and shattered for bed. Can’t force her to eat asleep.
• they also do not allow snacks or ANY outside food and she says the snack queue at break time is always too long and she’d miss her playing or library time if she queued for a piece of apple.
• she’s already been off school for almost 6 weeks (3kg in 6 weeks isn’t unhealthy)
• she has always had an issue with texture, look, smell of foods (she couldn’t touch strawberries until she was almost 3 and still hadn’t tasted a raw tomato) I’ve had her seen by doctors etc but they always said she’d grow out of it
• shes not an only child. Has other siblings who are VERY adventurous with food.

The school food looks gross. Ive caught glimps of it on social media posts when they’ve posted special occasions etc. I’m aware the rest of the kids are eating it fine but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for all children not to eat what they like. She’s not the only one anyway, many of my mum friends say their kids don’t like the school food but they’d eat the fall back options like jacket potatoes or pizza (which my daughter doesn’t)

I’ll take her to the doctors tomorrow.

I also eat chicken, but can't stand the smell of chicken being cooked.

My 9yo son is allowed a packed lunch at school and he barely touches it but isn't losing weight or coming home pale and tired. He will then eat his packed lunch when he gets home, before his dinner. This means he sometimes eats less dinner, and he is not losing weight. When he has a school dinner, he never has a pudding and tends to just eat about half. Again, this is not causing a weight loss issue. Perhaps a chat with the GP to see if there is an underlying cause of the weight-loss.

I agree that this could be ARFID. ARFID is a standalone diagnosis, so doesn't have to accompany any other SEN as a comorbidity although it's also very common in autism and disordered eating in general is sadly common in autism especially in girls.

So even if she doesn't have autism or any developmental disorders school should recognise this as SEN, and reasonable adjustments should be made for her with or without an official diagnosis. You should still seek a diagnosis in the meantime.

It stands out that she's happy to eat the food you make the way you make it as it's probably predictable in flavour and texture, and it's seen as safe. She also knows its likely to be uncontaminated as she knows you have made it and she doesn't get to see the food being made at school or perhaps subconsciously sees things that can give anxiety surrounding contamination. The underlying cause is often some sort of anxiety, and the need for control, so the diagnosis is worth seeking to explore these underlying causes.

It's also important to know that when you have an eating disorder it can evolve as you age if you don't receive the right treatment, or you can be a lifelong ARFID sufferer.

It's also important for you to sharpen your elbows and get ready to dig them in. Sadly many GPs still tout the old "they'll eat if they're hungry, drink if they're thirsty" line, so it's beneficial if you educate yourself on this ahead of time and go to your appointment armed with information about the condition so you can advocate for treatment. Eating disorder services are very pared back in England.

I was the same. I forgot my packed lunch once and had to have school dinner. The dinner lady said if I didn’t eat my food I couldn’t go out to play and I just said okay. I would have missed my play every day that week if needed. I couldn’t have eaten that plate of food.

Also to add, her days are full on and she does a lot of sports so anyone would totally look pale or yellow not eating and consuming all that energy for 8:9 hours a day

pale I get but not yellow. Yellow is concerning I think.

if your school won’t allow packed lunch and she’s getting more and more poorly not eating at school then your only option is to change school I think. They sound very inflexible. Are they aware of her difficulties and how unwell and tired she gets?

I think if I was paying for a school that insisted on being so rigid and refused to allow a request to bring in a packed lunch, I'd be seriously considering if this was the right school for my child. Many children (including my own DC) would rather go hungry than eat something they don't like. You can't force them and the more you try, the bigger the issue becomes. She's going a long time without eating anything decent, I would push for a Drs letter if you think this could help. Otherwise I'd be tempted to look for another school.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead thank you very much this is very helpful. Never had autism looked at but but deep down I do wonder if she slightly on the spectrum, just socially a bit awkward. Will do some thorough research on Arfid. Is it something that can be diagnosed privately or must I go through my nhs gp?

I too went to a private school. Yes they are strict and computer says no.
I am now so glad they did allow parents to come and go (it was boarding school) anytime. To this day I remember I couldn't eat Tuesday lunch as they cooked the same thing, which luckily mum had seen me throw up with, when at home growing up.) So on Tuesday, I would normally see my mum's car (much to my surprise and delight in equal measure) with whichever driver or mum herself- with enough food to last a few weeks.

Siblings also eat everything. based on what you have said, I believe a strong letter from GP is way to go, but knowing my strict private school, they will first want to convince you that you as the parent aren't encouriging child enough to eat school meals. So prepare for a bit more battle, but they will in the end have to give in. They are also not keen on giving exemptions to some pupils as they get forced into relaxing the rule for many others. Not easy but good luck. I am a fussy eater and can go hungry instead of eating certain food. Luckily a chocolate bar was usually sufficient to keep my energy levels up. Also avocados can last longer in stomach- yup can go to weddings with own food if don't trust their offerings/ just in case I won't fancy any of their foods- and avocados are my go to as once I eat a whole one in morning, I will be fine all day till I go back home in evening.

@Redhairandhottubs 100% agree with you and we are looking elsewhere anyway (not just because of the food) but many other odd things and this will likely be our last year there however even for one more day I can’t allow the lunch set up to go on so need it sorted.

yep to changing schools. I would put more of my energies into this anyway.