DD school doesn’t allow packed lunch and she’s losing so much weight

[mamatothreebunnies]

My 9yo DD goes to a school where packed lunch isn’t allowed. It’s just an outright no and non negotiable. However, she’s extremely selective with food, (hate using the word fussy, but FUSSY!) and therefore loses a ton of weight during term time. I’ve spoken to school multiple times and their only help is to offer her plain pasta (she asked for this since she won’t eat anything else on school menu). But that means most days she’s eating a small hit of plain pasta from breakfast until 4pm. She comes out looking yellow and pale and I have to take her a full on packed lunch meal to eat on the very short drive home as shes starving. Over the summer break she’s looking healthy and has gained 3kg by eating healthy foods I know she likes.

the problem is she only likes food the way I make it (I’m honoured but it’s quite problematic). So she wouldn’t eat the school burger, or their bolognese, or their lasagne or whatever else. But would if I make it.

what would you do? I want to get her seen by a doctor who would maybe support us by something officially written to say if she could be allowed packed lunch. Obviously I wouldn’t send in nuts and if it’s a case of allergies they worried about I’m happy to go and sit in the car park every lunch time whilst she eats her lunch in the car and goes back into school.

im really worried for her and I just have let this go on for too long and don’t want her going through another academic year of poor eating during the day.

But she is eating her lunch, albeit late

It sounds to me like it's the long days and excessive activities that aren't suiting her. She needs a decent breakfast before school and she isn't getting that at the minute. Coco pops and hot chocolate is absolutely ridiculous.

The fact she has no issues with that or the plain pasta suggests this is an issue with fussiness rather than anxiety over who's providing the food.

I would make sure she gets a decent breakfast at least. She sounds exhausted to me rather than malnourished.

I'm going to echo @snowlady4 and say the tired and yellow look could be dehydration, as her overall food intake seems adequate. Yes it's a long break between meals but not really extreme and overall shouldn't lead to weight loss.

Are they allowed access to drinking water during the school day and does your DD drink water?

Is she in fact losing much weight during school term? You say she's gained since the holidays started, but it could be the start of her adolescent growth spurt rather than that she was necessarily starving/underweight during term time.

If she’s having her lunch in the car but just a little later and then another meal for her dinner after that then she’s still getting the same food intake she would have had if she had packed lunch at school. So she shouldn’t be losing weight. I agree, trip to GP needed.

It doesn't sound like the right school for her in terms of what they're offering her to eat (especially as there's no other option or compromise) and the fact she'd rather be spending time in the library/playing and nothing is available to grap for those areas. Does she know someone who queues for snacks, maybe she could chat to them so at least it's a more positive experience.

Do they supply fruit, crossiants at breakfast? If she'll eat them, then take some and wrap them up for later in the day. She could queue with a friend at break time for snacks, but she'd obviously rather do something else - another school she'd be able to get her snack out in playground.

Is she assigned to a house at the school? If so, do they have food that the pupils can help themselves to? DD was at private for a while and there was always bread, cheese, crossiants, homemade cake and fruit - if so, would she eat more there than in the dining hall?

Why can't you feed her the breakfast she likes before school? Then she is having a large breakfast and can probably wait till later. One pf our daughters doesn't like eating during the day, whatever the food, so has a big breakfast and eats again about 5. She's a healthy weight.

As others have said turning yellow is not hunger, take her to the doctor.

'if she's having a decent breakfast, a nutritious break time snack, a plate of pasta at lunch, and a full packed lunch straight after school she shouldn't be so ill just from that.'

This. Neither should she be losing weight. I think she needs to be checked by a GP.

I used to be similar and used to go home for lunch.

I do think that you need to take her to the GP for a check up. Missing lunch shouldn’t cause a child to lose weight or be ‘yellow’.

After you’ve had anything physical rules out you can consider what you can do next.

There is no "slightly on the spectrum", you're either autistic or you're not.

There are many presentations of autism and often girls present differently to the stereotypical idea of autism that many people have.

I strongly advise you to research it and get her assessed.

It might "just" be ARFID - in which case you still need to see the GP and get a dietician referral and insist on reasonable adjustments at school - but if she is "socially awkward" too it's worth exploring autism. She may well have other difficulties but be masking.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autistic-women-and-girls

https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org

FFS. Okay, there are quite a lot of sensible compassionate posters but an awful lot of people who think a few mouthfuls of plain pasta is an adequate lunch for a child and people who think you should, basically, punish the child for not being able to eat to fit school rules that are making her ill or some shite about being manipulative.

It is not feeding a child properly to have them eat some coco pops (probably one of those 25g single serving boxes with skimmed milk) and a hot chocolate (probably water based low fat, low sugar stuff because it's cheap as) at 7.30am then nothing but a few mouthfuls of plain pasta (plain pasta, gross. Flour and water is healthy once it's pasta though, apparently) till 4.30pm, then two meals crammed in before bedtime ritual about 7.00pm. No wonder the child is looking unwell. How much dinner would you have room for before you've even had chance to digest your lunch. That child is going to get digestive issues by cramming 90 percent of her daily food intake into less than three hours. I'm fifty odd and I did that once, yesterday, and it's crippling my stomach now and playing merry hell up with my blood glucose levels.

I've always been a fussy eater and, from personal experience of some of the attitudes displayed here from my own childhood, can only imagine how terrible and pressured that child feels.

You need to get her some help before she starts getting worse problems with food.

This pisses me right off. I had an underweight asd child who took chocolate in his packed lunch. It was raised once that it wasn’t allowed and I very firmly said it was on the advice of the dietician.

They allowed it and this was before diagnosis!

it’s a reasonable adjustment, it’s like telling a wheelchair user they can’t use the lift because everyone else will want to.

What a needlessly offensive comment.

Indeed. As I've found over the past decade and a half there is an enormous amount of unfounded and misinformed judgement of parents of children who find eating difficult. When DD2 turned out to be an unfussy and easy to feed child there was a real sense from some very judgy people that "you've got it right this time at least" as if it was something I'd done to make DD1 have difficulties with food despite the fact that all professionals who actually knew her were unanimous that it was not a behavioural issue. @ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot should be ashamed of their blinkered views.

@Soubriquet @autienotnaughty

Have you managed to eat more things as you get older?

OP you should try to get a diagnosis for ARFiD & I think they should at least agree to her having a few things she can have if she won't eat what is on offer.

I don't think most people on MN understand ARFID.

No not really. I have certain foods I can eat and that’s it.

Also ARFID can be part of PANS PANDAS so worth considering. It is not rare but often not picked up on as awareness is lacking. PANS PANDAS UK charity website and support group excellent.

@converseandjeans so there was a gradual Increase as I got older and had opportunity to try new things/cook for myself. But when I got to my thirties I realised I wanted to be healthy so I introduced vegetables to my life. Lots of flavouring /sauce and either pasta or rice and I found I could tolerate it. I still have issues but I've introduced enough foods that I can usually eat out with out too much issue.

Take her out of the school.

My son with autism goes to a state school where they make him his own special hot lunch every day (that we supply raw ingredients for) to make sure he eats and isn't anxious.

This school sounds completely unsuitable for your daughter and I actually think you are as accountable for allowing this.

Thank you for all your helpful advice.

bottom line is, I don’t see a plate of plain pasta as nutritious and not happy that my daughter has that to eat for lunch all day, even if she has eggs or a healthy smoothie for breakfast. I also disagree with comments saying “she eats lunch just later” - eating breakfast at 6:30/7 and then nothing proper again until 4pm is not adequate for a growing and very active child.

as my child I also know she isn’t starving herself to get what she wants after school, or to be manipulative. She’s the same on holiday or when in a new food environment. She’d rather starve than eat something she’s unfamiliar with or not cooked by me. Always has been this way. If you have a fussy or selective child, you’d understand, if you don’t then you just won’t get it no matter how much I tell you.

ive made an appointment with the doctor and have drafted an email to the school head.

thank you to the majority for confirming that I’m not being unreasonable for my request.

I can never understand why a school wouldn't just let the kid choose pack lunch or dinners, or a mix of the two.
My primary school was like your one so the only thing I ate for five years was grated cheese, grated carrot, and either treacle or chocolate sponge cake! I was always starving and needed loads of snacks after school. If I went to friends house sometimes I'd be so hungry as they didn't give many snacks if the kid was full from school lunch.

It might be worth exploring food allergies too. My daughter has some food allergies that are weird and generally crop up in packaged foods and the equivalent meal made from fresh ingredients would be safe for her to eat.
She recently stopped eating a nursery and started losing weight. We then found out the chef was being negligent and since has gone she has started eating again and has regained the weight. It was only when her food diary listed a food that is never safe for her to eat that the dots joined up.
It sounds like she also needs some therapeutic support with managing food not cooked by yourself. I think any potential underlying psychological causes for her assigning food as safe and unsafe. I come from a family of people with eating disorders. All my nearest female relatives have had issues with food and it all cases the control of food has been a symptom not a cause. There has been various combinations of AFRID, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating. We learnt at a young age that food can be used for emotional responses and has taken us effort to unlearn it.

What are her views on the school aside from the food? How has her general demeanor changed over the summer holidays?

What does she eat for lunch at home?
Presumably school can only offer hot meals, what do you wish they could offer?

This.

Why are you weighing her , that's not good.
Also bring yellow isn't normal.

*being

My DD sounds very similar to yours. She is awaiting an autism assessment. She has limited foods that she likes and like yours, only likes certain things the way I make them, or only one specific type of sausage etc. I have another DC who has a wide and varied diet so it's nothing to do with parenting. Out of a three week rolling menu there are about two things she will eat so I rely on packed lunches. If your school will not allow this I would try to get a dietician referral ASAP and get support from them.