Ex overfeeding our daughter

[ConcernedDad2000]

I wanted to hopefully get another point of view about what I believe is a massive issue regarding my daughter's health. Me and my partner split 3 years ago with one of the major things that I couldn't take any more of was watching her overfeeding our child. I tried to bring this up with her in a soft way to not hurt her feels, or make it feel like an attack. But all I got was a long list of excuses that finally ended in her saying I called our daughter fat to her face which I had to quickly point out was a flat out lie. Just before we split I informed my ex that I was going to try and help our daughter make better choices when it comes to food, and teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time. I've tried to maintain an open line of communication with my ex regarding this matter but she was just not showing any interest in taking this seriously. This forced me to arrange a doctor's appointment (after 2 years of trying to fix this between myself and the ex) at which she was told by a doctor our daughter was overweight and changes were needed. I'm now about to go back for another appointment 6 months after the first and I can clearly see our daughter has not lost any weight at all. I feel as though I'm powerless to stop her doing this and the doctor last time seemed more worried about my ex's feelings than the health of our child. When I ask her if she needs any help getting our daughter to a healthier weight she tells me shes watching what she eats and making better food choices (which is fine saying that) But the results are plain to see nothing is changing. Unfortunately, my ex has the majority of parenting time with my daughter so I can't really make a dent in the damage she's doing during the week. I've even thought about calling in help from outside sources. Has anyone ever had to call in outside sources to get a parent to see sense regarding this kind of matter?

Are you able to have your child more than you are now?

No. When we split she we lived in the same town, and I used to have our daughter 2 nights a week every week. But when we sold the old family house she took our daughter without asking and moved back to her home town. I took her to court to try and stop it as it massively reduced my time with my daughter. But ask any man who has been in family court and they'll tell you your chances of getting a result is silm to none.

So this is an attack from the manosphere disguised as concern for a child.

Nice.

OP, comments like that aren't helpful and won't get you any support on here. A woman who works full time and has a child to raise seventy percent of the time generally needs some family support.

On your dd's weight, how old is she? And how overweight is she?

If you are a lean gym bunny and your dd is a teen and has a bmi of 26, then to be honest, it is more down to communicating with and encouraging your dd, than blaming your ex. Your expectations are different.

But if your child is 3 and clinically obese then that is another matter.

You could also move (and not blame your ex for doing so).

And don't talk about appearance. This is about HEALTH.

Aww the "courts favour the wimin" haven't heard that for awhile 🙄

no they don't in most cases they are there for the benefit of the child

I was going to try and help our daughter make better choices when it comes to food, and teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time. This is an eating disorder waiting to happen, don't make it about appearance at all. I'd think your only chance of changing anything would be moving to where your DD is and doing 50/50 care.

I was going to try and help our daughter make better choices when it comes to food, and teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time.

This is what stood out to me about your first post. It's good to teach children healthy habits, but to make them believe that their appearance is a reflection of their habits is a really toxic attitude. You have also not provided any indication that her mother is not feeding her properly or teaching her unhealthy habits.

Combined that with your subsequent post about how you think men don't get a fair hearing in family court, makes me think that this is not about your daughter's well-being at all, but about controlling your ex and this little girl, whose appearance seems to matter more than her actual well being.

This is not an attack from a man point of view or whatever you call it. It's a dad who when we sold the house understood my ex needed support so gave her 60% of the profits from the house so she could buy again (when legally I didn't have too) This was so she could stay in the same town as her existing friends and father. Plus you seem to be missing the point of the doctor telling her our daughters weight was an issue and me trying for two years to have a conversion with my ex about resolving this problem. If I've got it wrong and this is not a place to get any helpful advise from someone who may have gone through this before I'll bow out and leave you guys too it.

You wont get any support here OP, you're a man, people wont want to address overweight children and you've mentioned court and how largely (because they do) they favour the parent with residency, which is usually the mum

So you're automatically in the wrong whatever you say.

OP, we are trying to give you helpful advise, but you are so full of venom towards you ex and your ideas of what women and girls are supposed to look like, that you are not listening.

That is entirely your choice, but don't come on here expecting women to "be kind" (and keep sweet). Our primary concern, as should yours be, is the well being of your child. And teaching her disorderly eating goes against that.

@Life2Short4Nonsense What am I supposed to do when I can see my daughter's health suffering right in front of my eyes. A doctor tells us our daughter is overweight, and this same doctor tells us being overweight is going to start having adverse effects on her health. The whole reason for this is a concern for our daughter. How does following a doctor's advice mean an eating disorder?

How old is your daughter? What's her bmi?

Overweight children tend to grow into overweight adults. Is your ex obese? TBH it's difficult to see what else you can do at the moment, apart from encouraging good habits when you have your DD with you.

@Gobimanchurian Our daughter is 13 and her BMI puts her in the 99th percentile of very overweight. If it was just puppy fat I'd completely understand it being normal and expect it to drop off as she gets older. But it clearly isn't that.
@Tel12 My ex is a little overweight which I understand doesn't help here, as I know she feels personally attacked whenever I brought this subject up. This was the whole reason I tried to be careful of her feelings around this subject. But it's come to a point that I have to put her personal feelings aside as our daughter's health comes before myself and her.

What about ordering a weekly food shop with healthy snacks and vegetables and ingredients for healthy meals directly to your ex's home? Perhaps she would use those ingredients especially with everything being so expensive now she might see the light and not want to waste food and more money buying food herself?

I'd love to hear ex's side of the story.

She's doing almost all the parenting. She makes the choices. If it was me doing all the work then having an ex trying to lay down the law I'd tell him to get fucked.

You broke up partly over what your child eats, then went through court wrangles. I think the best interests of the child would be to focus on emotional health as well. She's been through the wringer.

You sound controlling. You need to look at your child's well-being in the round.

You were so worried about the way your partner was feeding your daughter that you left her with her and spent even less time with your daughter trying to help and influence her choices? How does that work?

You could've stayed, cooked more , compromise, talk, agree on rules about snacks and portion sizes, take your daughter out cycling/walking/swimming regularly etc.

How was (mostly)removing yourself from her life beneficial in any way? Or helping to solve the problem?

@randomas I'd love to do this but my ex is a very headstrong person (gets it from her dad even when she's been proven wrong). For the most part, the food she's feeding our daughter is not bad. It's always been the quantities of food that was the issue, and this made it so hard to explain to her as she keeps saying it's not junk food she's eating (which is true). I spent the previous two years trying to explain that even if you eat the right food but too much it will have the same effect of weight gain. I've been talking to my daughter and educating her as best I can about the same thing, plus leading my life in the same way so she can see the benefits of this. I'm in very good shape and go to the gym, row and play rugby. All of which my daughter sees (and thinks is funny when daddy almost dies during his rowing workout). My ex would not take very kindly to me trying to interfere in the running of her house even if it was to the benefit of our daughter, and would just see it as me trying to control her which I'm not trying to do. I'm just trying to help our daughter

Ok, 13 and very overweight is tough. High school kids are brutal.

Could you get her a bike? Going for bike ride with healthy picnic on your free time? My friends kid has a tendency to gain (and lose) weight easily. Getting on his bike in the summer really helps. But frame as something fun / good to feel getting strong (over thin).

Or do a step count challenge together (there are apps like stridekick where you can compete against one another) or even a charity / sponsored mileage challenge? A treat (Alton towers/new trainers) at the end of it?

Overfocussing on diet could lead to eating disorders / self esteem & body issues. Poor food is often addictive in nature/ emotional eating etc.

Do also bear in mind that she likely has a lot of agency in terms of what she eats, outside what your ex feeds her or makes available at home. Mine were able to hit the shops on the way home from high school - cans of pop, crisps and chocolate, which I only saw a fraction of through packets in blazer pockets. Drawing battle lines with your ex when she's likely doing all she can will just lead to friction when you should be united.

Good luck.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat @haveatye When my daughter is with me she enjoys rowing. Plus I didn't walk away my ex was the one who walked away. My only focus here is trying to following the doctor's advise regarding our daughters health. If your ex tried to talk to you about how you run your house what would you say to him about this? What do you do ten years down the line when develops the health problems that the doctor is saying and you could have stopped them now? My only focus is my daughters health and well being.

@Gobimanchurian She already rows when she's with me. Which she actually loves it. I found a way to combine two things. she watches her favorite youtuber while doing a row and tracks her progress. It's a win/win. I just can't make much of a dent in the damage of the rest of the week. To be fair to my ex she has started to exercise with our daughter more (baby steps).

At 13 she very much has control, I was fat at 11-13 and I know that I took any comments about what I ate very badly and then went completely the other way and yo-yo throughout my 20s
it isn’t your ex because at 13 it is her and you need to tread carefully not to give her a complex or an eating disorder and certainly shy away from doctors appts and the word fat.
model good eating and promote exercise and support her choices at 13 she will make them

The question I suggest is how concerned is the Doctor?

If The Doctor is worried enough to want to go down the legal route if Mum isnt compliant with medical recommendations then you may well be onto something.

It might be worth contacting her school as well to see of they share any concerns

https://www.timms-law.com/family-law-blog-can-my-child-be-removed-from-my-care-for-being-overweight/