Ex overfeeding our daughter

[ConcernedDad2000]

I wanted to hopefully get another point of view about what I believe is a massive issue regarding my daughter's health. Me and my partner split 3 years ago with one of the major things that I couldn't take any more of was watching her overfeeding our child. I tried to bring this up with her in a soft way to not hurt her feels, or make it feel like an attack. But all I got was a long list of excuses that finally ended in her saying I called our daughter fat to her face which I had to quickly point out was a flat out lie. Just before we split I informed my ex that I was going to try and help our daughter make better choices when it comes to food, and teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time. I've tried to maintain an open line of communication with my ex regarding this matter but she was just not showing any interest in taking this seriously. This forced me to arrange a doctor's appointment (after 2 years of trying to fix this between myself and the ex) at which she was told by a doctor our daughter was overweight and changes were needed. I'm now about to go back for another appointment 6 months after the first and I can clearly see our daughter has not lost any weight at all. I feel as though I'm powerless to stop her doing this and the doctor last time seemed more worried about my ex's feelings than the health of our child. When I ask her if she needs any help getting our daughter to a healthier weight she tells me shes watching what she eats and making better food choices (which is fine saying that) But the results are plain to see nothing is changing. Unfortunately, my ex has the majority of parenting time with my daughter so I can't really make a dent in the damage she's doing during the week. I've even thought about calling in help from outside sources. Has anyone ever had to call in outside sources to get a parent to see sense regarding this kind of matter?

Are there any clubs she can do at her school or at a centre? You can pay for them or some schools offer them for free.Something for her ,that she enjoys , makes friends etc. Or if her friends attend any encourage her to join them as extra socialising time.

@SallyWD It seems crazy to me how things have gone regarding seeing it as a merci to turn a blind eye to her current health and just store the problem up for later in life. My older sister is now paying for her bad decisions earlier in life and coming to me asking for help which I'm more than happy to do. But it's a hard road when you're older to fix, and some things can be completely reversed.

We also thought the food pyramid was healthy and still teach it in schools!!! Dairy is really not healthy - it was adopted by humans in the late ice age due to food scarcity, but alters hormones (which can control weight) and is full of lactose, a sugar.

People who cut out dairy lose weight. And I would encourage a diet in whole foods, very high in healthy fats (eg nuts, seeds) as these are neutral to blood sugar, definitely no low fat and no artificial sweetners - research shows that these do not help as they maintain a sweet tooth which would gradually ebb otherwise.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat My daughter likes to play netball. At first she was worried about doing this. But as she started to get a bit fitter from rowing we talked about how things would start to feel easier to do like running around which she confirmed. At which point I encouraged her to try out for netball which she did and loves it.

If you are a rugby player, are you broad chested and wide necked, a powerfully built guy like the proverbial "brick shithouse"?
Is it possible that your daughter has inherited your body type - broad and muscular? If so, rugby/rowing/weight training type exercise might convert some of her additional weight into muscle perhaps?

Not every woman, obviously, has a small slender frame.

@Toasticles I'm what you would say is a bigger man. I'm 6'4 and 105kg. I'm in no way overweight even at 105kg even though a BMI chart would say I am (you can clearly see my six pack even at my age). My daughter has the build of a 400 meter runner, and yes she has inherited her skeletal frame from me which is why it's so important for her to understand there are somethings she just not going to be able to get away with like a smaller woman would.

"definitely no low fat and no artificial sweetners - research shows that these do not help as they maintain a sweet tooth which would gradually ebb otherwise."

The sweeteners might help maintain a sweet tooth, just low-fat in itself wouldn't e.g. skimmed milk. Skimmed milk doesn't taste sweet even if there's a bit more (natural) sugar per quantity.

If she gives up dairy she will have to work hard to ger her calcium from other sources.

I think learning to eat the right portions would be much simpler and more realistic for OP's daughter.

If she likes rugby I would encourage that. It's a very inclusive sport for girls and caters for a wider spectrum of body shapes than some other sports.

Absolutely this, she doesnt need give up anything, she just needs to eat less. Children shouldnt be on low fat foods in any case, she is still growing.

Absolutely nothing wrong with dairy, I eat a lot of dairy and Im coming up to just having lost 10 stone, nearly.

I can see why your marriage failed. Please don't fail your daughter too.

The only person failing this poor girl is the mother who has overfed her to the point of obesity, not the father who is trying to help her.

Indeed!

Hey @ConcernedDad2000 I'm sorry you're having this trouble on mumsnet.
If you were a woman posting about the child's father you would hear things like "allowing a child to be over weight is neglect/abuse" " a Dr has confirmed your child is overweight - remove contact until he can feed her a balanced diet" "ignorance to this isn't an excuse - it will be obvious to him that his daughters overweight" "speak to your child's school/dr/social services about your concerns"
Alas, you're a man so it's all your fault and you're horrible ;)

My step daughter is overweight. BMI is also on the 99th. She is 11.5 years old.

Last April my partner and the mum spoke about it and mum agreed she was overweight, that she eats a lot of crap etc etc. They came up with a plan that the mum didn't stick to.

They spoke again in February half term; mum got very defensive and basically told partner to F off. He said he'd like to take her to the GP now as it was nearly a year ago they spoke about healthy eating and getting her to be more active etc. We are a healthy family and promote it while she is here, all healthy weights etc. Her mum is also very overweight and we know they love take aways etc.

She is still on the 99th now and we've seen notes in her phone this half term stating that she hates how fat she is, how she wants to be slim like her friends, how she cries in the mirror. It was heartbreaking.

The mum doesn't care. It's like hitting our head against a wall. All we can do is do what we do, promote being healthy etc.

We said we'd have her for the whole 6 weeks holiday to try and kick start it but unfortunately, if mum isn't on board, it won't happen or work! She'll just go back to eating poorly.

Oh and she's also just had the weight/height thing at school which we don't know the outcome of, unsure why we didn't get the letter as we always get school letters so we are going to be asking for it next week.

Sorry, we also spoke to school and they didn't care. Said it was a 'home' issue.

@oberst I had the same thing with the school letter weighing our daughter. My ex never shared it with me. I had to really push to get this information out of her. When I finally did the school said she was overweight. I just don't understand why this is such an issue as for the vast majority of things she is completely sane and a great woman. I 100% believe she loves our daughter with all her heart and thinks she's doing the right thing. But I just can't get through to her the damage she is doing about this as it's not just a weight thing it's a mental issue as well.

Why don’t you back off? Stop this being an issue between the two of you with your DD in the middle! No one’s winning here are they?

You sound like a good bore. You’ll find your DD will make her own choices when she’s ready.

Keep supporting this and maybe some other clubs. Football, dance, rounders,tennis etc. whatever might strike her fancy.

And encourage healthy portions sizes by mainly encouraging her to recognise and stop when she is full.

Even if she doesn't lose any weight, as long as she doesn't gain any more , she still has a bit of growing to do and her height might catch up with her weight.

Why should the OP back off.
In 4 years when his dd is an adult she will likely still be overweight and on track to shorten her adult life with poor dietary choices.
And if she loses the weight does a young woman want excess skin hanging making her even more upset.

She likes rowing ? Is there a nearby rowing club - she’s the perfect age to start . The training gradually becomes pretty intense .

Bit confused by the reference to 400metre runners - 400m runners and overweight really don’t go together . Are you 100% positive this isn’t the very common issue with BMI being quite an inaccurate tool- I presume you’ve put your own height and weight into the BMI calculator and aware aware of the issue !?

So this woman has been working and doing most of the parenting? And you think she's 'lazy' because she doesn't have the energy to cook from scratch? I mean, it's not ideal and if she was posting here, she'd be told 'you need to do better', but she is carrying most of the load.

Personally, I think you're going about this the wrong way. Rather than criticising, I would ask your ex straight down the line what she needs in terms of resources/your time to sort this out. Can you give her extra money to fund sports/activities? Is there anything you can take off her plate so that she has more energy to address this? Would it help to have your DD for longer periods in the holidays? Are there any camps that your DD might like to do? Can you pay for DD and a friend to go trampolining or do other activities at weekends?

Support her to make changes that will benefit your DD.

Back off ? Are you for real @Scarletttulips ?
A loving father is hardly going to stand by while his daughter's health is being compromised is her?
Ridiculous

Can you imagine as well the responses to 'he wants to have her all the 6 weeks holiday'

This site really is incredible. Post that you give your children pom bears or supermarket bread and the whole site is on you virtually suggesting neglect/disordered eating and implying laziness

A parent comes along (oh, god, he's male) to say that he is concerned about his daughter's weight and the food she eats and that this seems to have come about at the same time as fresh home cooked foods being substituted for ready meals and its all 'back off/you're controlling/mum isnt lazy she's working hard/its emotional problems'