Ex overfeeding our daughter

[ConcernedDad2000]

I wanted to hopefully get another point of view about what I believe is a massive issue regarding my daughter's health. Me and my partner split 3 years ago with one of the major things that I couldn't take any more of was watching her overfeeding our child. I tried to bring this up with her in a soft way to not hurt her feels, or make it feel like an attack. But all I got was a long list of excuses that finally ended in her saying I called our daughter fat to her face which I had to quickly point out was a flat out lie. Just before we split I informed my ex that I was going to try and help our daughter make better choices when it comes to food, and teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time. I've tried to maintain an open line of communication with my ex regarding this matter but she was just not showing any interest in taking this seriously. This forced me to arrange a doctor's appointment (after 2 years of trying to fix this between myself and the ex) at which she was told by a doctor our daughter was overweight and changes were needed. I'm now about to go back for another appointment 6 months after the first and I can clearly see our daughter has not lost any weight at all. I feel as though I'm powerless to stop her doing this and the doctor last time seemed more worried about my ex's feelings than the health of our child. When I ask her if she needs any help getting our daughter to a healthier weight she tells me shes watching what she eats and making better food choices (which is fine saying that) But the results are plain to see nothing is changing. Unfortunately, my ex has the majority of parenting time with my daughter so I can't really make a dent in the damage she's doing during the week. I've even thought about calling in help from outside sources. Has anyone ever had to call in outside sources to get a parent to see sense regarding this kind of matter?

I think focusing on exercise sounds good. Food issues are so tricky, especially when you start on about how what you eat reflects how you look on the outside (too much focus on looks I think).

Your ex has started exercising with your dd which sounds positive. Now is not the time to kick off about your dd's overweight. Weight loss takes a lot of time and babysteps. You getting irate is not going to speed up the process.

You basically need to chill out a lot. Getting wound up won't magically make her skinny

She's doing almost all the parenting. She makes the choices. If it was me doing all the work then having an ex trying to lay down the law I'd tell him to get fucked.

Taking the man/woman and time out of it and look at what has been stated though ...

Child, young teenager, is overweight,
This is backed up by a doctor.
In two years the child's weight hasn't reduced, despite medical advice.

So what happens next?
How does the child receive the more balanced, healthy diet she needs, based in medical advice?

The mum is the one feeding the child most of the time as they chose to move further away from where dad lives/works.

She's doing almost all the parenting. She makes the choices. If it was me doing all the work then having an ex trying to lay down the law I'd tell him to get fucked.

She made the decision to move away by all accounts, she doing all the work was of her own making.

OP you're getting an unnecessary hard time here. Dads are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Would your daughter be up to having a smart watch?
Does she enjoy healthy competition and goals?

You can set up step challenge, movement targets and challenges, etc on smart watches which you share with others. You can have your own individual competition - can she beat her daily target, etc. or - if she prefers - competitions between her and other people.

Exercise may well be the easier way to start the process, rather than the food, at this stage.

@JohnofWessex I got the feeling the doctor is concerned about it as she wouldn't have recommended fixing the problem if she wasn't. If in her medically trained opinion if she thought nothing was wrong she'd have said this on the spot. With regards to going down a legal route this is the very last thing I want to do as firstly it could have long lasting effects on our daughter's mental wellbeing, and would 100% end any forms of communication between myself and my ex. The same thing with involving the school would only get my ex's backup and make her double down. @Quartz2208 At 13 she doesn't control all aspects of her own life and is very much still the responabilty of both parents. Once she hit 18 there is nothing I can really say on the matter. I can advise but ultimately in the eyes of the law she's an adult and free to make her own choices. I understand me living a good lifestyle and the benfits of this being firmly in plain sight for her to see is good, and trying to avoid creating any issues around food in general is my number one priority. Thanks for the insight about walking this thin line as it confirms what my family has already said to me.

This is really difficult, it’s almost impossible to discuss eating habits and implement changes without implying that someone is overweight. My family have really struggled with this, and I still don’t have the answer. With hindsight I would say being very overweight is going to have an impact on mental health and life opportunities anyway, so you may as well be frank and discuss ways to eat more healthily openly. Your daughter does have agency and if portion size is an issue, show her the appropriate size, and how to calculate it for herself. She will be only too aware if she is overweight.

Being overweight is more complex than just overeating. It's almost certainly combined with emotional issues here both for your ex and your DD.
Your DD is coming to an age where she will have more agency about what she eats and what exercise she takes.
I understand your concerns but it is very easy to say and do the wrong thing here.
I would suggest that you do what you can and when you can. When your DD is with you, be active, eat healthy food. Do not make any comments about her weight - she knows already.
Don't make a big thing of this.
Do you holiday together? Maybe try new sports and activities - if she enjoys something she may continue.
Being heavy as a teenager is very sabotaging for exercise as if she feels self conscious around her peers, she's likely to withdraw from exercise.
Tread carefully. Offer support and not judgement.

Ok so at 13 you could:
Move closer and have more time with her.
Have a regular sport you do together every weekend.
Teach her to cook.
Take a cookery class together.
Ask the GP if there are healthy eating classes for this age and enroll her at your home.
Talk about health (NOT appearance)
Talk about the altered appearances in the media/social media (I'm thinking makeup, filters, airbrushing) because that side of things makes young teenagers feel like crap and do unhealthy things.

No one knows in this situation whether the eating is about emotional issues or not, sometimes we just eat too much because its there, available and tasty

She wont be on a CP plan or removed into care due to her weight unless she is virtually housebound due to it and it doesnt sound like its that level. There is more awareness now of needing to address weight without pussy footing around by professionals whereas perhaps 10 years ago it wouldnt have been such a focus

Its also hardly laying down the law to try to co parent a child and be concerned about a health issue she has.

"This is what stood out to me about your first post. It's good to teach children healthy habits, but to make them believe that their appearance is a reflection of their habits is a really toxic attitude.

Many children and young people really don't care that much about health. The effects of bad habits often don't make their full appearance until middle age.
Appearance is something they do understand and care about.

It's a bit like telling teens not to smoke because it will give them lung cancer. It's not meaningful to many of them, but if you tell them they will stink and nobody will want to kiss them, it might be something they get straight away.

If your daughter is on the 99th centile, she is obese not just overweight.
Really really difficult the situation you describe.
I think the GP focusing on Mum's feelings is telling-maybe Mum could do with some sort of therapy ? Sounds like she has lost perspective of what healthy weight looks like in children.

All you can do is keep offer a different experience on your time. Exercise and no processed food. Don't ever use the weight word around your daughter. Good luck

No, that's not a good comparison. Smoking is a habit. You can stop smoking immediately with enough will power. Being overweight is not a habit and sometimes even with dieting and exercise, weight doesn't come off in a linear way. Also, food is something you cannot just stop consuming. You can quit sweets and crisps but then you might find you overeat the healthier options.

It's not a good idea to tell 13yo children that they have to go on a diet to look better. Surely everybody knows that, even on MN!

Exactly this, she will already be hearing and seeing the difference in her appearance to that of other girls around her and she'll feel a bit shit about herself.

"I think the GP focusing on Mum's feelings is telling-maybe Mum could do with some sort of therapy ? Sounds like she has lost perspective of what healthy weight looks like in children."

But you see it again and again. Parents who are overweight overfeeding their children and often even their pets.

I'm afraid I agree. People are already giving you a hard time because you're a man.
I understand your concern but I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is as your DD spends more time with her mum. This is a difficult situation for you to have any control over.

I would cook and put healthy balanced meals that you know your daughter likes, and snacks, in Tupperware for her. See how that goes for a few weeks. They might both feel very supported and it might help make everyone less stressed and healthier.

Could you have your daughter for the six week summer holidays? I think kick starting healthy eating habits would really help. For most youngsters, they will lose weight rapidly just by cutting out sugar and dairy. If she gets an extended spell of good lifestyle choices, she will see the benefits.

Don't focus on food but get her involved with meal prep, three a day, and do other stuff in between. No snacks. If she is busy focused on doing things, keeping busy, be it rowing or something else, she won't be thinking about eating. I wouldn't mention weight or food, just lead by example. Screentime and mindless eating is a problem in modern life.

"No, that's not a good comparison. Smoking is a habit. You can stop smoking immediately with enough will power."

Well, smoking is a habit, but also an addiction for some people.

Overeating and eating badly is also a habit, and perhaps some kind of addiction for some people.

It doesn't matter whether those things are the same. My point is that children and young adults often don't see the results of unhealthy habits and are not motivated by lessons about health. They understand appearance more easily.

I can give myself as an example. I eat unhealthily. However, in my youth I was not overweight and had no health problems. Now in middle age I do have high cholesterol and sometimes slightly high blood pressure. There is no way that at 20 I would have changed my eating habits for some perceived and totally invisible to me, potential health benefit in the future, but not being able to wear my favourite clothes definitely mattered.

Why should she cut out dairy? It's healthy in moderation. And unlike some MNers, I don't think there's anything wrong with skimmed milk and low fat yoghurts, etc. (the no sugar/sweetener ones obviously).

"It's not a good idea to tell 13yo children that they have to go on a diet to look better."

And yet the doctor has said she needs to eat fewer calories (aka 'go on a diet') and she needs some motivation for that.
If you think 'avoiding a heart attack when you're 60' is good motivation for a 13 year old, good luck to you.

Rapid weight loss really shouldn't be the answer, nor should cutting out whole food groups be, especially at 13y.

A healthy balanced diet with exercise as the norm is key.

Slow weight loss will be preferable and more likely to be sustainable and kept off.

I feel like being overweight is just accepted now, even in children. It's become so incredibly normal that no one takes it seriously. They used to.
I was born in the mid-70s so was at school in the 80s. At primary school I remember there was only one overweight girl in my class. She wasn't even that big by today's standards. She was plump. Anyway, it was taken very seriously. Her weight was monitored by her doctor and she was on a strict diet. I remember the plain foods she ate at school and she told me that for dinner she'd have food like poached fish and vegetables.
Now I know people will think "This is terrible! That poor child. This is setting her up for a lifetime of eating disorders". Perhaps - but we've now gone to the other extreme. If a child is very overweight it's seen as no problem. People continue to feed them a load of processed junk.
In this country it's almost a crime to call someone overweight or fat. In other countries they're much more matter of fact about it. They have the attitude "You're fat. Eat less and eat more healthy foods." I've seen this common sense attitude in alnost every country I've been to and lived in apart from the UK and US where overweight people are just told "big is beautiful".

Exactly How big are her portions ?

Can you give an example of what she eats in a day/week and how much?

Is she allowed to leave food on the plate and decide for herself when she is full? That would be the easiest change to make that also won't affect how your ex runs her house. Teaching DD to stop when she is full and allowing her to do that.

My daughter already cooks from scratch with me. She has only had one single ready meal in my house during the whole time of our split (and it tasted rubbish). My ex was a really good cook but at some point, she got very lazy and just went for the easy option. I completely understand as life can get on top. My week is very busy so I like to meal prep on the weekend healthy food I can freeze and just cook in 10 minutes during the week. I even prep this food with my daughter so she can see the lifestyle I'm leading when she's not there. We even joke that I've turned her into my sous chef. With regards to being active, my daughter now loves to come watch me play rugby which was a massive surprise how much she enjoyed it and I was toying with the idea of taking her over to a mixed touch rugby session at my club to get in something fun and exercise.

Where is the venom?