Ex overfeeding our daughter

[ConcernedDad2000]

I wanted to hopefully get another point of view about what I believe is a massive issue regarding my daughter's health. Me and my partner split 3 years ago with one of the major things that I couldn't take any more of was watching her overfeeding our child. I tried to bring this up with her in a soft way to not hurt her feels, or make it feel like an attack. But all I got was a long list of excuses that finally ended in her saying I called our daughter fat to her face which I had to quickly point out was a flat out lie. Just before we split I informed my ex that I was going to try and help our daughter make better choices when it comes to food, and teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time. I've tried to maintain an open line of communication with my ex regarding this matter but she was just not showing any interest in taking this seriously. This forced me to arrange a doctor's appointment (after 2 years of trying to fix this between myself and the ex) at which she was told by a doctor our daughter was overweight and changes were needed. I'm now about to go back for another appointment 6 months after the first and I can clearly see our daughter has not lost any weight at all. I feel as though I'm powerless to stop her doing this and the doctor last time seemed more worried about my ex's feelings than the health of our child. When I ask her if she needs any help getting our daughter to a healthier weight she tells me shes watching what she eats and making better food choices (which is fine saying that) But the results are plain to see nothing is changing. Unfortunately, my ex has the majority of parenting time with my daughter so I can't really make a dent in the damage she's doing during the week. I've even thought about calling in help from outside sources. Has anyone ever had to call in outside sources to get a parent to see sense regarding this kind of matter?

If she really is in the 99th centile for weight then that isn’t mum over feeding, that’s your child over eating. She will be making her own food choices at school. She has the power to control her own portion sizes. She controls her own exercise. I think it’s a little unfair to blame the resident parent. At 13 the child needs to take some responsibility.

A parent comes along (oh, god, he's male) to say that he is concerned about his daughter's weight and the food she eats and that this seems to have come about at the same time as fresh home cooked foods being substituted for ready meals and its all 'back off/you're controlling/mum isnt lazy she's working hard/its emotional problems'

If it was the mum posting, she'd be told that she needs to do better.

It's not ok that this girl is being allowed to eat crap and become increasingly overweight but the reality is that there is very little the OP can do about it if he's not prepared or it's impractical for him to step up as RP. Change needs to come from the mum's house.

He needs to get his ex onside. And since criticism hasn't worked, the only way to do that is to tackle any barriers, financial or time-wise, she's facing to giving their DD a healthier life. Most parents do want the best for their kids.

The child in this scenario was only spending two nights of the week with "concerneddad" when they lived in the same town.

As for bullshit comments like this:
"teach her about how our bodies outward appearance is a reflection of our eating habits over a long period of time"

and this:

"But ask any man who has been in family court and they'll tell you your chances of getting a result is silm to none."

about a court system which routinely holds women accountable for mens behaviour and forces contact between children and abusive men/partners and I think the OP's position is pretty clear.

As per pp - the ex's story would be interesting if this has basis in fact.

How can he step up as RP, he isnt the RP, all that would result in is another protracted court proceedings with the mum no doubt portraying him as manipulative/trying to get away without paying maintenance/trying to take their daughter away, a whole host of things. Plus the daughter at 13 has a choice about where she lives, she might not want to live with dad, its a massive upheaval to move homes.

AS other posters have said, he will be blamed regardless, blamed for the breakup, blamed because hes trying to address, blamed because he isnt addressing it well enough

Get her playing rugby. It’s great exercise, a confidence builder and there’s no right or wrong body shape in rugby, in fact, there can be an advantage in being sturdier.

Yeah this.

She is choosing to control towards her daughters ill health, an eating disorder, and to get picked on at school / through out her life for being fat. Not the OP.

Some women on here just love to berate men and think they have the moral high ground. (lol to PP who said the OP was trying to keep women quiet / sweet.)

The mother has much more of a chance of creating an eating disorder, and that's if the child doesn't have one already or one on its way. 'I'd love to hear the exes side of the story' well what excuse is good enough for making your child fat, a target for bullies etc?

Nothing. Is laziness and borderline neglect. If you as a parent choose to be fat then fine, but forcing it upon your child is negligent at best.

(Yes I know it's not always a choice, but being fat and it being totally and completely down to a medical condition is rare.)

That's bullshit, especially since so many adults struggle with their weight, and you expect a 13 yo to take responsibility for it? Especially since she's not the one (mostly)in charge of food shopping, or cooking or how and where she spends her time, whether she has school meals or packed lunches and what those packed lunches are etc. Particularly if she's been exposed/conditioned into unhealthy eating habits like emptying a plate.

I agree. 63% of people are fat or obese.

There's a whiff of 'fuck it, most of us are fat anyway' but blame it on trauma / emotional issues / illness. Which will play a part in some cases for sure, but a lot of it is poor diet, laziness, and population and new generational acceptance. The only reason I am not fat is due to eating a good balanced diet and exercise. The only reason, for a lot of people, as to why they're fat, is due to lack of balanced diet and exercise. But many try to over complicate and validate it.

Apart from a medical condition (rare) there is literally no need for a 13 year old child to be obese. I also think it's borderline negligent.

Advocating for your child's health is never a bore. It should be the loudest in the room.

If you don't care about your kids being fat, then that's on you. I'm sure the OPs daughter will find it a bore when she's got a multitude of health problems, higher cancer risk, and a target for bullies, because her mum is directly making her obese. Wishing someone did something to help her when they could. (IE now..)

She's a feeder and is passing her psycho local issues into your child.

It's a mental disorder that equates caring and loving with feeding when sadly it is damaging to the child.

Some years ago there was a teenager, Georgia Davis who was dubbed by the media as Britain's fattest teen. I think she was 63 stone at one point.

The person behind this poor girls weight was her mother who has never been held accountable because of the family's mental health issues.

I don't think her mother ever got mental health treatment which she needed as much as her daughter did.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2149609/amp/Georgia-Davis-Britains-fattest-teenager-cut-home-hadnt-outdoors-6-months.html

Get in touch with your daughters school to ask for help and try and have your daughter as much as you can and hopefully get her interested in the crevice and healthy eating even if your efforts are ruined by the mother when the child gets home.

The child will be bullied and as she gets older that may be a turning point in the child standing up to her mother if she has your support.

Offer to pay for swimming lessons and sporting activities.

I think overfeeding a child is abuse not just to the physical damage being done but by making the child a subject of bullies and social alienation.

The mother may want the child isolated from other children in order to keep her close in some circumstances.

Is your DD eating school dinners? My two do, and pay by ParentPay, which means they can load up the card as much as they want and the school refuses to restrict their purchases in any way or put a block on it. No other payment method is allowed.

Also my 15 year/old is ravenously hungry around the time of her period, craving carbs and sweet stuff. She’s gradually becoming more aware of this pattern, but finds it very hard to resist.

What is wrong with the majority of PPs on here?! Some of the comments are wild, very uncalled for, and unnecessary.

If someone has a concern for the child, they're well within their rights to raise it! I'd hope DH would have the same concern about our two DCs if we ever divorced.

Regardless of OP relationship with exDW he has a right to vibe concerned for his DC especially since a medical professional agrees.

Try Beezeebodies, you can self refer and it's an online programme about all aspects of health and well-being not just weight, though there are dietitians who offer advice

OP, your dd is 13. She can make her own decisions.

So teach her to make healthy simple dishes. Summer has arrived so buy her a great book on salads and barbecue food.

Encourage her in her sports and activities. Compliment her when she exercises or cooks you a great meal.

And don't put her mum down in front of her.

To everyone saying 'I'd love to here the exes side of the story' what excuse is there for making your child obese and setting her up for a shorter life, massive health risks and being a target for bullying, and also ignoring medical advice?

I’m a muscular size 6/8 at 5’7. Mid 50s vegetarian & my main source of protein is dairy.

dairy is very important for growing bodies

There isn't really, but there are a lot of overweight kids and they don't all have shit uncaring parents.

It's not so much that the parents don't think it's a problem and want to address it ime, but it's a problem in conjunction with a whole load of other problems - work, money, school pressures, your kids' mental health and all the other stuff that goes on in life - and sometimes you drop a ball here and there. And sometimes the dropped ball is quite an important one, yes, but that fact alone doesn't give you an extra hand with which to juggle it.

There's a limit to what anyone can do about a teenager's weight without the teenager being on board. It's not really desirable or practical to put a padlock on the fridge. But once they are about fourteen or so, they tend to become more conscious of their bodies/size/appearance. Your daughter will probably get to that point fairly soon.

She's thirteen! Even if she is very overweight, it is unlikely that she will drop dead from a heart attack at that age. I'm not saying there isn't a problem, but there is time to fix it.

@ConcernedDad2000 yes I agree it is parents choice but one very important thing is promoting body choice and autonomy and this is the point you need to teach her the tools to cope with this long term

she chooses her own meals at school she can choose her own breakfast and have sportion control

she can also do exercise at her mums house (there are plenty of you tube exercise videos that don’t need equipment) give her all the tools she needs in a positive way

Nonsense. Chances are if you went to court the resident patent is awarded 60% anyway so you didn't "give" her anything.

I too wonder how overweight she is. If she is merely under BMI 27 it isn't an issue even if technically overweight.

@ConcernedDad2000 your dd is 13yo.

At that age, it’s up to her to act on what she eats rather than on your ex.
A friend of mine was worried about her ds being overweight too. She took him to see a dietician (through the NHS - something you could organise, even if it means you doing the trip to take her).
They had a chat about weight and what it would stop him from doing. They talked about making better choices and learning to say NO (the gran would give him huge portions of cakes after school everyday).
Her son lost weight. Because HE decided to make better choices.

And there is no way it will work unless your dd makes that choice too.

Anpther comment from me, having two teens.
Talking about future health is pointless. At that age, they feel invicible. The I pact on their health simply won’t register, even if you do have a point.
Talking about her appearance is a danger in itself.
But you can talk about she feels in herself, things she’d love to do but are harder because she is overweight. You can talk about MH. Not in a ‘being overweight is awful and will feel shit’ but because eating well is connected to feeling well (that’s vitamins and minerals you need for good MH. Regulation of blood sugar etc…). You can be supportive of changes. Even if it’s very small. You can encourage her to listen to her body (are you full? Are you eating because you’re stressed? Etc…) And more importantly you should check that her eating isn’t linked to other issues (hormonal, bullying, issues from your divorce, self esteem etc etc).

what will not be helpful is to concentrate on your ex, what she does or doesn’t. Your ex will have little power to change your dd weight at that age. Even if she was stopping all snacks at home, all cakes and biscuits and wasnt encouraging her to (over)eat. That time when she could control your dd’s eating has long passed.

If the problem is portion size encourage your daughter to drink plain water before meals. Also to reach for water first when she feels like a snack.

https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/news-archive/2015/a-bottle-of-water-before-each-meal-could-help-in-weight-reduction-researchers-say#:~:text=Just%20drinking%20a%20pint%20of,a%20moderate%20and%20healthy%20rate.

'She's thirteen! Even if she is very overweight, it is unlikely that she will drop dead from a heart attack at that age. I'm not saying there isn't a problem, but there is time to fix it.'

@RishiFinallyDidTheRightThing well quite, which is what the OP is trying to do, but he's getting his arse handed to him on here because shock horror, he's a bloke!

Many people on this forum have sons. Do they think their sons are a different breed and it's just all other men that get slated? Orrrrr..

@Spirallingdownwards BMI for children is still calculated in centiles. 99th centile is categorised as very overweight.