DD (13) is very overweight - advice requested!

[Julysky]

My daughter, age 13, is very overweight and wearing size 18-20 adult ladies clothes already and I’m lost as to how I can help her. My husband is very overweight and I have a son of 15 who is well built but would not be considered overweight. I compete in athletics so ensure I eat a healthy diet and I have a good understanding of nutrition. I have tried many things to encourage my husband to lose weight over the years (he’s always been heavy and has got worse), but have accepted that I can’t make him change. I really want to help my daughter to develop a healthy lifestyle and return to a healthy weight. In the past I’ve been able to persuade her to join a football team. The coaches were very inclusive but she never really liked it, doesn’t have great hand eye co-ordination, and her team mates could be unkind. She will occasionally play netball at school. I’ve also tried to do a fun couch to 5K training course with her using the Zombie run app but she refused to continue after doing it a few times. I encourage her to do Just Dance at home.

We don’t have sweets, crisps or many biscuits in the house and we eat a healthy diet at home, but she uses her pocket money and birthday money to buy things that are unhealthy and if we’re eating out or at a party she always seems to go for the most unhealthy items and eats more than the average person. However, I do know other kids her age who are the same and don’t put on weight like she does so I think it’s a combination of genes and habit that has created the problem. She’s never been skinny but she started putting on excessive weight from the age of 9. We were careful to keep our conversations focused on fitness and health rather than weight but over the last year we have broached the subject of losing weight. She says she would like to and will agree to us holding her pocket money so she doesn’t go to the shop, but then something will happen (usually within a week) and then she’ll be back to her old habits. In general she’s a wonderful girl and has many interests and friends. We have a very good relationship and she talks to me openly about her problems. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, the genetic component, DH, etc.

Some people are more muscly and have a much bigger appetite. DD was in the boys weight curve as a baby, and was like picking up a rock. This causes a huge appetite to fuel all that muscle which turns into fat as soon as a sedentary phase begins.

My advice would be to allow huge portions, but make sure they are mainly non-carby veg, protein, and any carb is as whole as possible - with whole grain rice, you feel really full but so much of it is fibre that it is barely like eating carb, in terms of putting on weight.

The other thing is to let her lead it, to define what her own health/body goals are and see if you can help her. You might be surprised that her dream is to wear a cropped top and feel confident- or it might be something else, but if she can picture herself as she would like to be, then this is what she needs encouragement to draw motivation from. It must come from within.

Once you are able to draw up a doable plan together, not something that requires a personality transplant or something else that it setting her up to fail, then you can shop together for the ingredients she likes, maybe for hiking boots or whatever equipment she’ll need, then ask her regularly “how’s it going? How are you finding it? Is it working or do you think it needs tweaking? Is there anything I can support you with?” Etc. in other words, she is in control and you are merely supporting her in meeting her own goals.

Get her involved in cooking as much as you can. They may not help now but it's such an important tool for her future. If she can make delicious food herself then she may not want to get the unhealthier shop version. This has been invaluable for my own weight loss.

Perhaps come up with a meal plan with her so she is invested.

I've had to learn to find alternative sources of pleasure then food. I have lots of hobbies, a challenging job etc.

Is she bothered by being overweight? Is she self conscious and frustrated with the clothes she has to wear?

Having had an overweight DD myself, my answer would be counselling. There is a reason why she's eating to excess like this - she must be overeating by several thousand calories a day to be at that size and until you address the root cause of this, no diet or lifestyle change will make a difference.

I think at a size 18/20 at 13 this needs a Doctors appointment and a referral to a dietician and some frank talking about the health implications.

Unless major changes happen this won't change. I think the time for gentle conversations about healthy lifestyle and doing a little bit of exercise have passed.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and I dont mean it to as I'm sure you have tried your best but I think you need professional help with this one.

Id be taking her to the GP and asking for anything possible to be tested for. Thyroid, metabolism, hormone levels etc. From what you describe, if true, about your diet and lifestyle, it seems very unexpected that your 13 yr old could be that size without a medical issue at play.

I would try and educate her on unhealthy foods and making the right choices. This knowledge will stick with her for life so it’s not wasted time. Don’t make her calorie count or weigh herself. Just about healthy portions that have the right kinds of food. Get some books together and watch some videos. I would also recommend looking at mental techniques when she is out and making her own choices with food. Please just focus on empowering her.

18/20 is very large.
It's highly unlikely to be genetics, that is a way of excusing it. Especially if you DH easts unhealthily.
Can you give a breakdown of her diet say a couple of days including what she drinks.
What helped me lose weight was sorting out my blood sugar levels. Lots of protein and non carb veg. Wasn't hungry or craving sweet stuff nearly as much. This meant much less sugar, and no diet drinks. Check potion sizes, weight it out (not in front of her) my friends with overweight kids give them so much food and seem to have lost sight of normal sizes.
Can you get her to walk more? Does she walk to school? Does she do some housework? Can you move her jobs to the more active ones like hoovering.can you do family exercise like hill walking, swimming, kick about in the park. Reduce screen time so she moves about a bit more. It all adds up.

Muscle doesn’t turn into fat. They are completely different cell structures. Fat is just fat.

Can you list what she eats on an average day?
What does she eat at school?
How much money on average is she spending on junk food?
Can you take a photo of an evening meal so we can see portion size?

I would stop her having free access to money. She is destroying her health and if you giver her money you are enabling her.

I echo the advice to see the GP. I did with my son when he was around 12 as he started packing on the weight. Listening to the GP talk about healthy choices and willpower did help… ish. He had various tests done but basically he’s a gannet who loves food. We did have treats in so that they don’t become ‘forbidden’. We encouraged DS to think about when he needed a treat, rather than when he just wanted one. We had celery and carrot sticks in the fridge to hand, he was till heavy handed with the homous though.

Big plates full of veg/salad did help. He also joined a gym at 14. It's very tricky to get the balance right.

How is 'allowing huge portions' going to help a thirteen year old who is wearing a size eight?

She can't have reached that weight by just spending her pocket money on sweets and over eating at parties. She must be eating too much at meals.

I agree with making a GP appointment. I think this it too difficult to tackle on your own.

Yes, its overall calorie intake. Not helped by the sweets and junk food but that wont be the majority of her calorie in take during the day I would assume

I think as hard as it is, she needs to probably half the portion sizes, lower the carb/sugar macros so that she is not craving food and so led to overeat (and over eat carby/sugary foods)

If you havent already I would look at getting bloods done, she may well be pre diabetic already but you also need to check if anything else is going on which is making her crave food.

What is she eating in a typical day? What has she had today?

The problem will be her diet, not lack of exercise. I think you can safely ignore exercise at the moment and first get help for her eating issues. Exercise can be factored in later, hopefully when she’s smaller and feeling more positive.

How is 'allowing huge portions' going to help a thirteen year old who is wearing a size eight?

You can lose weight with a plate that looks huge but mainly consists of broccoli, cabbage, chicken, a portion of whole grain rice and a salad.

The way it works is that is gives a feeling of fullness, so no hankering for snacks, no misery. This means it can be kept up for longer - a lifestyle change. It also becomes self-limiting. The portions wanted become smaller because there is no sense of panic about being restricted.

Muscle doesn’t turn into fat. They are completely different cell structures. Fat is just fat.

I didn’t mean it literally. Muscle burns calories even while someone is sitting still. People who are naturally muscly tend to have larger appetites as a result. However, if muscly people become sedentary, the appetite remains but as muscle mass is gradually lost through inactivity, fewer of those calories are being burned off and they get stored instead.

Ds was about the same age when he asked me to help him lose weight. He had 4 (!) meals a day ( breakfast/ lunch/dinner/supper) of good quality food. Decent portions but no puddings. And no snacks whatsoever.
He didn't want sweets- he had an iron will. in fact, I wish he'd shown the same self discipline in his school work..,. He lost 3 stone in 7 months. He has since grown much taller- and weighs more- but his BMI has stayed fairly constant.
Weight loss is much more about diet than exercise. Exercise is good for fitness but an hours really hard work will probably burn off no more than 3 digestive biscuits..,.
What I'm trying to say is that the motivation and the will power have to come from your DD but obviously you can facilitate, support and encourage and DH should be encouraging his daughter too.

I’d suggest first making sure she gets checked out for any medical issues which might contribute to excess weight. Particularly if you and your partner are slim or normal, it would be odd for your daughter to be overweight for no reason.

Secondly, physical activity is often the thing which makes the difference with very overweight people. My partner is quite overweight and says that doing exercise is the thing that makes the difference when he’s at a high weight. There are absolutely dozens of sports out there so she might find one that suits her.

Personally exercise makes me ravenous and at the weight she is (to be a size 20), she will probably find it uncomfortable to move around, that can be dispiriting.

This. A few options:

1. You are deluded about the diet & nutrition you're providing. Unlikely if you are slim & healthy yourself.

2. She's eating a lot in secret.

3. she has a metabolic / hormone/ thyroid issue.

You need to see a GP for bloods to start with working this out.

That’s the double bind though - the more overweight you are, the more weight exercise will take off. But you also work up an appetite. I can imagine at size 20 quite a lot of every day life is probably fairly uncomfortable any way.

Are you slim OP, or just in comparison to your DH?

Exercise actually burns very few calories really, particularly if you're not fit enough to really put a lot of welly into it

And for people talking about hormones/thyroid etc, she may have issues like this but ultimately she's eating too many calories compared to what she burns so even if she has something like this or is on medication which affects weight gain, its about eating too much for your body

But she is very young so she has a lot of time on her side, she is developing so with fewer calories going in, it should be someting she can change quite quickly.

@bellac11 it is so much more complicated than that. Calories in, calories out has been debunked for decades. Particularly if OP is herself objectively skinny there is likely to be a hormonal issue or something similar with her daughter. I can’t get below 50kg and it’s due to hypothyroidism, I literally haven’t eaten a full square meal for months. Also you’re aware that just being alive burns about 1200 cals a day? Also exercise doesn’t burn much in comparison to just not eating but it’s a damn sight healthier to eat too much and then do exercise - which burns a lot more if you’re very big - than not to eat enough and not move. Speaking from experience.

I think it important to say that once one is very overweight/obese, two things happen

1. moving around gets really hard. Exercise is quickly exhausting and painful. Have a go at going for a jog carrying 3 or 4 stones and see
2. any weight loss involves significant and long calorie restriction and that will, by any means, make her hungry. She needs to learn that hunger isn't harmful on its own and will need lots of distraction and perseverance. It's not going to be possible to lose weight without actually dieting at this kind of weight and it's going to be tough but so right to do it now as it gets no easier at all

Make sure she has no medical problems like a thyroid condition. Then, with her, have a look at the calorie counts of some tempting foods. Most people underestimate just how many calories they’re eating. They might know a sausage roll is bad but have no idea of how many calories are in it and how that relates to their daily requirement.

Talk too about abdominal fat. It’s not just lumps of fat, sitting there. It’s biologically active and can cause insulin resistance and Type 2 diabetes. Reducing that will be so much better for her health.

Ask her why she eats the things she knows she shouldn’t. Really get her to think. Help her plan some alternatives or strategies to avoid eating these things, eg distraction, a hot drink like tea, sucking sugar-free mints, jogging on the spot for 10 mins energetically (tends to kill the appetite). Talk about the marketing behind these foods - does she want to give in to it or does she want to stand up to it and act for her benefit not theirs?

Reduce her carbs and increase her green veg. Reducing carbs is important because I’d be surprised if she doesn’t already have some insulin resistance. Explain that that insulin resistance will be making her feel hungry when really she doesn’t need food. As she loses weight, the hunger should reduce, making things easier.

Model choosing non-food treats and rewards, eg watching a film, buying a book, buying cosmetics, etc etc.

Have a strategy for Xmas, then really get into it in the New Year. Don’t present it as a diet. Talk about it as a new way of eating that will improve her health, her skin, her energy, and so on.