DD (13) is very overweight - advice requested!

[Julysky]

My daughter, age 13, is very overweight and wearing size 18-20 adult ladies clothes already and I’m lost as to how I can help her. My husband is very overweight and I have a son of 15 who is well built but would not be considered overweight. I compete in athletics so ensure I eat a healthy diet and I have a good understanding of nutrition. I have tried many things to encourage my husband to lose weight over the years (he’s always been heavy and has got worse), but have accepted that I can’t make him change. I really want to help my daughter to develop a healthy lifestyle and return to a healthy weight. In the past I’ve been able to persuade her to join a football team. The coaches were very inclusive but she never really liked it, doesn’t have great hand eye co-ordination, and her team mates could be unkind. She will occasionally play netball at school. I’ve also tried to do a fun couch to 5K training course with her using the Zombie run app but she refused to continue after doing it a few times. I encourage her to do Just Dance at home.

We don’t have sweets, crisps or many biscuits in the house and we eat a healthy diet at home, but she uses her pocket money and birthday money to buy things that are unhealthy and if we’re eating out or at a party she always seems to go for the most unhealthy items and eats more than the average person. However, I do know other kids her age who are the same and don’t put on weight like she does so I think it’s a combination of genes and habit that has created the problem. She’s never been skinny but she started putting on excessive weight from the age of 9. We were careful to keep our conversations focused on fitness and health rather than weight but over the last year we have broached the subject of losing weight. She says she would like to and will agree to us holding her pocket money so she doesn’t go to the shop, but then something will happen (usually within a week) and then she’ll be back to her old habits. In general she’s a wonderful girl and has many interests and friends. We have a very good relationship and she talks to me openly about her problems. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Just a word of advice @Julysky. Don’t get all panicky-freak out (what comes across as thinly disguised judgemental digs) like many of the posters on this thread otherwise she’ll end up with an eating disorder and serious mother issues.

Work with your daughter to deal with it, go to the GP, but don’t totally freak out about it. There are worse things than being obese, but your daughter will be all too aware of the disadvantages- low energy, aches and pains, self-consciousness, judgy people offering you faux concern, breathing and sleep difficulties, blah blah blah.

Oprah Winfrey said the problem when obesity is your problem, you carry it around with you and everyone can see it. People can be workaholics, alcoholics, sexually risky, etc, and they get to feel superior to the obese person, because no one can see their problems. Well all those judgy so-and-sos can eff off.

Have confidence, you and your daughter will be able to do this.

Can you stop the pocket money? My giving her money you are facilitating the unhealthy eating.

What does she eat for lunch at school?

See what I mean? Suggesting punishment. It beggars belief.

The thing is, if there's also a medical underlying cause , it will be easier and healthier for OP's DD to lose weight if that's also tackled. Otherwise it's just setting her up to fail.

Your first stop should be your GP and blood testing . She may well have PCOS which makes it harder for some women . I really doubt she’s got to a size 18 by eating crap at parties or with pocket money , or you are giving her too much money .

OP, what has your daughter actually said about it?

I would be a lot less gung-ho in terms of “frank talking” than other posters. There’s a strong correlation between embarking on calorie restriction as a teenager and eating disorders that continue into later life. Yes you may end up with a slimmer daughter, but potentially at a cost that could be worse in terms of long term health implications than those caused by being overweight (though many on here cannot imagine how that could be the case).

Agree with this

As it stands OPs daughter already has an eating disorder.

I agree you dont want to swap one version of disordered eating for another thats why professionals should be engaged at this point. This is too much and too serious a situation for just the parents to handle.

I can't believe this comment!

How awful can you be!

It really isnt, the only thing that can occur is that an illness/disorder/imbalance makes it harder for your body to burn calories and/or make you crave types of food/too much food

Ultimately, its about eating more than you burn off, whether that is only via food or via food and having a slow burn off but the intake is what needs looking at whether or not she has hormonal issues (and at that size I would imagine she does in terms of insulin resistance, hopefully she is not pre diabetic)

Ok she has a serious health problem which is causing her risk - now. So the op is right in wanting to help her.

Feed her less- change what you all eat to assure she has zero access to crap and you can control in a healthy way her calorie intake without being obvious.

Up her movement- so think outside the box - mma / hiking / power lifting ?

Have a serious talk with your partner- he is abusing food - as bad as being an alcoholic and her drinking- he needs to set an example

Agreed. So less of the “frank talking about health implications” then?

I agree. Poor lass, size 18-20 at just 13 is awful. She's morbidly obese, and will be crippled with health problems for all her (short) life if you don't act now while you still have control of what she's eating. Don't be surprised if your husband is giving her food in secret/secretly encouraging her to eat so he's not alone in being big. My aunt did this to my cousin, it was awful to watch, even though she loves her DD very much she set her on the path to a lifetime of weight problems.

Maybe family therapy is a good plan? And definitely take her to the GP, and make sure her dad goes with you. It's harder to fob off medical advice if you were there when it was given. Make sure you ask questions based around typical excuses (dieting doesn't work, it's unhealthy) so he can hear first hand what bollocks his excuses are).

Your DD needs help, so does your DH, but put your DD first - she's a child.

I don't understand why you have waited so long to actually start taking this seriously? You definitely need to take her to the doctors to see if she has PCOS or another issue affecting her weight.

It's her diet you need to look at, rather than worrying too much about exercise at this stage, and find out what is actually going on. Do you all eat the same meal in the mornings and evenings? Who makes it? When and what is your husband eating to be constantly putting on weight? Is he giving your daughter food too?

80% of obese adolescents will be obese as adults so it's really important that you get this sorted OP.

I’m sorry? Why is that awful?!

i’d go in to this saying be careful you don’t give her an eating disorder, but it sounds as if she has one already to be this size. is camhs a shout for something like this? from what you’re describing her ‘sweet’ stuff is limited at home but she is 13, she’s probably getting it from friends or whatever and you can’t police what a kid that age eats. she’s probably got a slow metabolism her dad is larger too.

i can’t say much all i can say is be delicate with this. you could make her 10 times worse, the feeling of shame makes you eat then you’re ashamed ‘cause you’ve eaten and the cycle goes on. good luck OP.

Okaaaaayyyy. Dog suggestion NOT going down well.

I suggested it because doing something for another is a motivation beyond doing something for yourself. Walking is one of the best forms of exercise - your DD could build up the length of the walk alongside the puppy gaining stamina.

I will make it clear that the adults are still responsible for the dog and all that goes along with pet ownership.

I'm feeling the viper bite tonight! 😬

That’s such over the top nonsense. She a size 18-20. I am not sure how tall she is, young people are getting taller all the time, but that is not huge.

’Too serious a situation’.

Its ridiculous.

There’s no need for such panic, but something needs to be done, but sustainably, sensibly and without screwing up the OPs relationship with her daughter.

It’s enormous.

Just wanted to say, I was the fat kid, I was in size 18 clothes when I was 10. I was addicted to sugar. It started in young childhood with pop, McDonald's, sweets after school etc and it really ruined my life.
I have stretch marks on every single part of my body which destroyed my body confidence as a young woman and led to me accepting shit relationships. Its also robbed me of my fertility, being insulin resistant and I do not ovulate.
I am a size 14 now, essentially my mum died from diabetes when she was 31 and our new caregiver put me on a crash diet which was awful but effective. I'm still addicted to sugar, and my weight yo yo due to the hormonal and metabolic issues I have had.
So please, get on top of this for your daughters sake. Get a referral to dietician and endocrinologist already. Sit down with your daughter and tell her things need to change with both you and her. You're the parent, the issues have come from you.

Agree with going to the doctor. I spent years on Slimming World/Weight Watchers/Slim Fast with only tiny losses and it was only when TTC that I found out that I have PCOS and insulin resistance. It still took going private for IVF to be properly informed about how to lose weight with my condition.

Best be armed with knowledge about what’s causing the issue before attempting to fix it, be that a physical, psychological or emotional cause.

All these people giving advice to be gung-ho either don’t have kids or their kids are going to end up on the Stately Homes threads in a few years time with other posters telling them to go NC.

Such bad parenting advice.

I have an underactive thyroid. Whilst GP and I were getting my medication levels right I was tracking my weight and calories.
For a period of 6 months. Same diet/exercise regime. Same calories in. Same calories out.
For 3 of those months I was under medicated. My weight increased by about 1 stone.
Increased my levothyroxine...weight initially stablised and then dropped off. By 2 stone.

So yes, your thyroid affects your weight. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/underactive-thyroid-hypothyroidism/symptoms/

It really isn’t.