DD (13) is very overweight - advice requested!

[Julysky]

My daughter, age 13, is very overweight and wearing size 18-20 adult ladies clothes already and I’m lost as to how I can help her. My husband is very overweight and I have a son of 15 who is well built but would not be considered overweight. I compete in athletics so ensure I eat a healthy diet and I have a good understanding of nutrition. I have tried many things to encourage my husband to lose weight over the years (he’s always been heavy and has got worse), but have accepted that I can’t make him change. I really want to help my daughter to develop a healthy lifestyle and return to a healthy weight. In the past I’ve been able to persuade her to join a football team. The coaches were very inclusive but she never really liked it, doesn’t have great hand eye co-ordination, and her team mates could be unkind. She will occasionally play netball at school. I’ve also tried to do a fun couch to 5K training course with her using the Zombie run app but she refused to continue after doing it a few times. I encourage her to do Just Dance at home.

We don’t have sweets, crisps or many biscuits in the house and we eat a healthy diet at home, but she uses her pocket money and birthday money to buy things that are unhealthy and if we’re eating out or at a party she always seems to go for the most unhealthy items and eats more than the average person. However, I do know other kids her age who are the same and don’t put on weight like she does so I think it’s a combination of genes and habit that has created the problem. She’s never been skinny but she started putting on excessive weight from the age of 9. We were careful to keep our conversations focused on fitness and health rather than weight but over the last year we have broached the subject of losing weight. She says she would like to and will agree to us holding her pocket money so she doesn’t go to the shop, but then something will happen (usually within a week) and then she’ll be back to her old habits. In general she’s a wonderful girl and has many interests and friends. We have a very good relationship and she talks to me openly about her problems. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t know if this has already been mentioned but I would highly recommend the book Why We Eat (Too Much) by Dr Andrew Jenkinson. It explains really well how modern diets full of processed carbs, sugars and seed oils mess up the metabolism, and how to reduce the set weight point so that weight can be lost gradually and sustainably.

A size 18-20 is enormous for a 13 year old. Her BMI won't just be overweight or obese she will be morbidly obese. It doesn't matter how tall she is it is dangerously overweight and she is increasing her risk of a multitude of health conditions.

@GrrCovid people aren't going to listen to your advice if you're going to accuse other posters children of sniffing glue and smoking crack.

Invalidates your (arguably wrong) argument.

This simply isn’t true. You could eat the same number of calories as someone else and put on weight while the other person maintains the same weight. It has everything to do with the type of food that you’re consuming. We are increasingly starting to understand this as more and more research is being conducted into the effects of ultra processed foods.

Look I am appalled by the terrible parenting advice from a lot of posters on this thread. These posters are giving advice, not seeking it. The kind of advice they offer is the kind that drives a wedge between a parent and child and leads to lifelong disordered eating and psychological harm.

In a crass way I am saying - if you think this is the way forward, it is unlikely you are fostering and open and honest relationship with your own kids. In other words. Look to yourselves.

I actually care about the OP, the OPs daughter and the health of their relationship. A lot of posters here seems to be getting off on the drama, getting off on admonishing the OP, getting off on being hyperbolic, getting off on judging obese people, getting off on the idea of controlling and punishing and shaming obese people and their parents- and so I am mocking. They deserve mocking.

You dont have the same metabolism and burn off the same amounts as the other person, its completely irrelevant if you eat the same as someone else.

But you're literally mocking peoples children. You are no better.

No I am literally mocking their relationship with their own children.

I was the child who was large. I have lipoedema and an underactive thyroid. Please get your child tested before you give her an eating disorder by restricting food.

get her to have a Yacult every day, bad gut health can also contribute to weight gain and hinder weight loss, it helped me, takes a while but definitely helped, I take it every day even if I’m not trying to loose weight
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if she wants to loose weight she should be eating no more than 1500 calories a day,

She also needs to get daily exercise / walk 10,000 steps etc
Can she go for a walk in the evening with her father, it would be good for them both

This thread is crazy and is a perfect illustration of why we have an obesity crisis in this country.

people saying “you’ll give her an eating disorder” are ridiculous. She has an eating disorder. One which has resulted in her being 5-6 dress sizes overweight. She needs to eat less food. You need to restrict her access to money.

10,000 steps is about 5 miles, thats quite a long walk for a 13 year old

Unless it can be built into the walk to and from school

They have done studies on identical twins to discount (as much as possible) that difference.

Completely agree.

That's what I posted but got accused of having children smoking crack in the shed.

The OPs daughter already has an eating disorder. There's no point in skirting around the issue. If she cannot me trusted to look after herself with the money she's receiving, then she needs to have it taken away. That doesn't mean punish her, she can still be paid pocket money but she's 13!! It can be paid into a savings account and OP can keep an eye on it, and when her DD wants to buy something, OP can release the money. Also teaches her valuable lessons about saving money too.

That's what I'd do anyway, and I highly doubt my kid will end up smoking crack if I did this.

It's probably best to get an appointment with her GP. They should be able to help.

I went from a size 10-14 when I was 13 (I was obese) and it was mainly down to drinking pepsi max, coke and energy drinks. I didn't eat much of the wrong thing so it was definitely the drinks. It was horrible as once I was overweight I had no energy to do anything, so it was sort of a downward spiral. I was drinking more sugary drinks to get more energy and they were making it harder to sleep, which in return made me even more tired. I swear giving up sugar is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but once I did the weight dropped off me.

Pepsi Max is sugar free.

However it is terrible for gut health, so it is possible it can cause poor digestion and weight gain.

I was a biggish teen - not as big as OP's daughter.

I have lipedema, which is an inherited tendency to diet resistant weight gain on the lower body. It begins to show at puberty. My legs and bum are bigger than my top half. Does your DD have slim ankles? If she has thick legs and ankles and then typical 'non fat' feet she may well have lipedema. This is not her fault. I inherited from my father's side of the family, but it does not show in men.

My lipedema comes with poor blood sugar control. This means that I get blood sugar spikes and crashes after eating carbs and sweet foods. I now understand that the crashes make me exhausted, sluggish and sap my energy - hence historic "reluctance" to exercise - and also make me starving hungry, really starving.

Since discovering all this and eating lower carbs, avoiding most processed foods, I get much less hungry and have way more energy.

I wasn't fat because I had an eating disorder. I was fat because of the way my body processes food - the way it lays down fat stores, and the way it handles carbs, which perpetuated a cycle of hunger, exhaustion, and then more hunger, with me generally reaching for the sort of UPFs that "normal" teens were eating and staying rake thin - burgers, crisps etc.

Why would you even be aiming to get under 50kg though as a healthy adult? Unless you're incredibly short (as in below 5ft) . That's around 7.5 stone which for most adults would be heading to underweight and not necessarily any better for your heart etc than being overweight.
I say this as someone who spent 20 years anorexic and hyper focused on getting below 7st myself (causing health implications that are still affecting me in my 40s) so possibly I'm noticing your 50kg reference more than you intended.

I really hope the op comes back to their thread. Incredibly worrying and sad to read about their dd and it would be good to have some of our questions answered

How much pocket money is she getting to allow her to get to that size when you say you eat healthy at home? Do you really eat healthy at home as you say your husband is overweight? Something doesn’t add up here.

No wish to derail but yes, I’ve had mixed anorexia/bulimia for sixteen years at least.

Thanks for your advice @SantaBarbaraMonica We did have her tested for thyroid and other issues a few years ago but they didn't find anything

She's a bit bothered but fairly self confident. Counselling could be an option, thank you for the suggestion

Thank you all for taking your time to give your advice, particular thanks for those that shared their own stories and gave their thoughts without judgement. I know some people have asked more questions but I don't think that giving any more details will help - I have the gist of your thoughts and can go into more details as and when we get professional advice. I'll take some time now to absorb the advice. Professional support from GP/dietitian/counselling will likely be part of the action we take.