DD (13) is very overweight - advice requested!

[Julysky]

My daughter, age 13, is very overweight and wearing size 18-20 adult ladies clothes already and I’m lost as to how I can help her. My husband is very overweight and I have a son of 15 who is well built but would not be considered overweight. I compete in athletics so ensure I eat a healthy diet and I have a good understanding of nutrition. I have tried many things to encourage my husband to lose weight over the years (he’s always been heavy and has got worse), but have accepted that I can’t make him change. I really want to help my daughter to develop a healthy lifestyle and return to a healthy weight. In the past I’ve been able to persuade her to join a football team. The coaches were very inclusive but she never really liked it, doesn’t have great hand eye co-ordination, and her team mates could be unkind. She will occasionally play netball at school. I’ve also tried to do a fun couch to 5K training course with her using the Zombie run app but she refused to continue after doing it a few times. I encourage her to do Just Dance at home.

We don’t have sweets, crisps or many biscuits in the house and we eat a healthy diet at home, but she uses her pocket money and birthday money to buy things that are unhealthy and if we’re eating out or at a party she always seems to go for the most unhealthy items and eats more than the average person. However, I do know other kids her age who are the same and don’t put on weight like she does so I think it’s a combination of genes and habit that has created the problem. She’s never been skinny but she started putting on excessive weight from the age of 9. We were careful to keep our conversations focused on fitness and health rather than weight but over the last year we have broached the subject of losing weight. She says she would like to and will agree to us holding her pocket money so she doesn’t go to the shop, but then something will happen (usually within a week) and then she’ll be back to her old habits. In general she’s a wonderful girl and has many interests and friends. We have a very good relationship and she talks to me openly about her problems. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Wow this thread is such an eye opener - clearly there is nothing worse in some poster's eyes than being overweight.

Good luck OP, you sound incredibly supportive and switched on. Your DD is lucky to have you on her side.

(I second the suggestion of Why We Eat (Too Much), I found it a really interesting read - one of the things he explains is that teenager and obese people don't produce enough leptin, which is the hormone that makes us feel full.)

This thread is about a 13yo child who is so overweight she needs to wear clothes in sizes worn by morbidly obese grown women. This isn't people getting sniffy about someone carrying a bit more weight than they should.

This child is not just overweight though is she.

She is wearing an adult size 18-20. For morbidly obese adults.

Good luck to you and your daughter OP. You sound like a lovely mum wanting to help her. Hope all goes well for your girl.

Can I just say, I wear an 18 and am not morbidly obese!

Ffs there is nothing worse than being fat, is there.

I've been a size 18 and agree, I wasn't morbidly obese at that time either. MN has some strange attitudes to women's weight and dress sizes though.

Good for you. I don't think it's healthy for someone who's just hit their teenage years to be that size though. She won't even be fully developed yet.

@TerribleWoman how tall are you? I'm 5ft 3 and a size 12 in jeans I even need to get a 14 to fit my bum in sometimes. Size 10 in tops.

Agree with the poster abouve it's one extreme to another regarding clothes sizing on here.

A 13 year old in size 18-20 is not good and will be hugely unhealthy. I'd be surprised if any adult was a size 18 and not at least obese (I say this as an obese size 14).

As a consenting adult it's fine to be whatever weight you want but it's daft to pretend there won't be health implications.

I am about 12 stone at present and at this weight my thighs chafe in the heat, my back hurts and I can't do as much running around after the children as I'd like. If I lose 2 stone none of the above will apply. I can only speak for me but I can't believe others who are overweight have no negatives effects.

Definitely GP. Possibly PCOS?

For a behavioural change maybe try something like Slimpod? She has to be committed though.

Is your DH supportive? It would help if he addressed his issues as well.

This thread isn't about you. Its about a young child who hasn't yet gone through puberty and is in a size 18-20 i.e. who is bigger than you and is probably 2/3 of your height.

She is morbidly obese at that size and at that age and most if not all adults at that size are also obese or morbidly obese. It isn't healthy and a young child needs help and guidance to make healthier lifestyle choices.

I do wish overweight people wouldn't make these threads about themselves in order to shut down conversation. Nobody on this entire thread has said that "there is nothing worse than being fat".

Yes I am obese, but not morbidly obese. My clothes size is impacted by my lipedema. My BMI is 34.

Again though, this thread isn't about you

Are you 13 though 🙄

I posted what I posted because 2 posters in quick succession piled guilt on a struggling parent asking for help by telling her that her daughter is wearing a clothes size "for morbidly obese adults".

That is NOT about making the thread about myself. It is about correcting holier than thou posters giving factually incorrect information from up on their high horses to a parent seeking help.

Where in the thread does it say she hasn't been through puberty? Most 13 year old girls will be going through puberty. You know nothing about my height - actually I am 5 ft 4 and most 13 year olds are my height or taller. My own daughter is 13 and 5ft 5.

I agree that the young person concerned needs to lose weight and that their health will be impacted long term. All I am doing is dialling down the hysteria and ill disguised disgust of some people on here that her child is in clothes for morbidly obese adults.

This thread isn't about you

If it's true you are eating healthy at home.. how is she gaining so much weight?
Few sweets here and there does not make a 13 year old be so obese.

Start eating healthy as family, grilled protein, salads, chickpeas/beans, greek yogurt.. and moving more as family. You all could go for a walking together after dinner time or if it's raining you could do with your daughter any youtube video like walking workouts.. something very light. When you all feel more fitter you can start doing 30 days shred together.

As you have now said 3 or 4 times.

Are you the thread police? Who appointed you thus?

What am I allowed to post?
Am I not allowed to correct incorrect information?
Am I not allowed to write anything that restores balance to the thread unless I don't refer to my own situation or understanding, lest I make it "all about me"?

Let me try to rephrase this so as not to upset you. Heaven forbid that a person with lived experience of the issue uses their actual lived experience to make a point.

"A size 18 is not exclusively worn by morbidly obese adults. I know this because I know a person very well who wears a size 18. Their BMI is 34. This places them in the obese category but they are not morbidly obese nor even particularly close to it. This person is 5 ft 4"

Take one step back and take her to see a dietition. Encourage her in being tested and in changing her diet and exercise if advised.
Start by food shopping to suit her.
Accompany her in exercise and give her positive feed back when it is due.
It will be at least a year long venture to a fitter body.

Even better if you AND DFOH can take her to appointments and if Dad can also take some healthier options to heart.

DFOD = Dear fat old Dad.

I'm not trying to be horrible. I'm simply saying that your situation is in no way comparable to or similar to the OP's child in any way. You're a fully grown adult with your own 13 year old which makes you probably three times her age. Neither your medical condition nor your height are relevant to the OP's situation in any way. You are simply coming on here to defend your own weight situation which does not help the OP.

The OP has been given sensible advice about adjusting her daughter's diet/quantities consumed, restricting her access to purchases of junk food and getting her checked by a GP for underlying health conditions (and probably also health conditions being caused by her excess weight)

I get that people are sensitive about their own weight but as a society, denying that this sort of size is problematic from a medical perspective simply to spare a person's feelings is problematic and part of the issue.

Op I think sports would help- what does she like?
Can you exercise with her?
Riding a bike, roller skates?
What about dancing?
Swimming is very good too.

OP

My advice would be to consider that your DD has inherited your husband's physique and metabolism. She may never enjoy sport esp team sport, try walking or swimming or even something like climbing though. Maybe get a dog if you have time and space; they make walking mandatory.

Bear in mind she may also have a bit of "puppy fat" if she hasn't yet had a growth spurt. Over the next couple of years she may grow up through some of her weight. Not enough that she wouldn't benefit from slimming down as well, though.

It isn't a crime to be bigger. There have always been bigger people - endomorphs - who will never have a skinny athletic frame. It's ok for her to have a bigger frame, big hips, big boobs. But obviously you are aiming for a person who is healthy and at her current size it's likely she is storing up future health problems.

Food wise tell her about blood sugar and how eating white carbs or sugary foods makes your blood sugar spikes, and hunger is really just blood sugar falling. So eating protein and fats keeps you blood sugar on an even keel. Have Greek yoghurt or eggs for breakfast. Use sourdough or seedy bread if you want to use bread. Take the bun off burgers. Send packed lunches of leftover meals - this helps with portion control. we do a lot of things like meatballs or bacon or chicken in tomato sauces in a thermos, with a small portion of cold cooked (brown) rice to add in at lunchtime, soups, leftover home made chicken goujons served cold etc. wholemeal pitta and humus. Tomato soup with wholemeal crudites and feta. My daughter almost never takes sandwiches (she doesn't like them!).

Don't drink your calories. Avoid hot chocolates, fizzy drinks etc - difficult at her age - or make them an occasional treat. Have sweet stuff late in the day so the blood sugar crashes don't trigger hunger munchies. Combine sugar when eaten, with fat. An apple with peanut butter or a few chocolate brazils is much less likely to trigger a huge blood sugar spike.

At no point am I denying it is problematic.

For the 4th time, I was correcting the two posters at the top of the page who said in two consecutive posts that a size 18 is for morbidly obese adults. In that post I was saying nothing about the OPs daughter, or trying to stop the debate, or making the thread about me.

I was correcting misinformation.

Just like if on a thread about dogs, someone had said "all dogs have 3 legs". If I had come on and said "I'd just like to say, my dog has 4 legs, so I don't agree with your prior statement", would the fact that I used my own experience to illustrate why I disagree with the inaccurate statement mean that I am making the theoretical dog thread all about me?

I am not denying that I am fat. I am not denying that the OP's daughter needs to work on her issue or that at her age in particular her size is a worry. That is you projecting.

I was correcting two posters who made the same inaccurate claim, using my own experience to illustrate why I knew their claim to be inaccurate. Nothing more, nothing less.

I consider this now closed.

I'm 5 ft 4, I'm obese and using a size 12, I can't imagine how someone 5 ft 4 using a size 18 does not think she is obese. And yes it is , morbidly obese.

Ffs. I am obese.
I am not morbidly obese.
These are medical categories.
A BMI of 30-39 is obese
A BMI above 40 is morbidly obese

My BMI is 34, which places me in the obese not yet morbidly obese category.

When I was a size 12 at 5'4" I weighed 9 1/2 to 10 stone and was not even overweight let alone obese, which just goes to show how we are all different.