DD (13) is very overweight - advice requested!

[Julysky]

My daughter, age 13, is very overweight and wearing size 18-20 adult ladies clothes already and I’m lost as to how I can help her. My husband is very overweight and I have a son of 15 who is well built but would not be considered overweight. I compete in athletics so ensure I eat a healthy diet and I have a good understanding of nutrition. I have tried many things to encourage my husband to lose weight over the years (he’s always been heavy and has got worse), but have accepted that I can’t make him change. I really want to help my daughter to develop a healthy lifestyle and return to a healthy weight. In the past I’ve been able to persuade her to join a football team. The coaches were very inclusive but she never really liked it, doesn’t have great hand eye co-ordination, and her team mates could be unkind. She will occasionally play netball at school. I’ve also tried to do a fun couch to 5K training course with her using the Zombie run app but she refused to continue after doing it a few times. I encourage her to do Just Dance at home.

We don’t have sweets, crisps or many biscuits in the house and we eat a healthy diet at home, but she uses her pocket money and birthday money to buy things that are unhealthy and if we’re eating out or at a party she always seems to go for the most unhealthy items and eats more than the average person. However, I do know other kids her age who are the same and don’t put on weight like she does so I think it’s a combination of genes and habit that has created the problem. She’s never been skinny but she started putting on excessive weight from the age of 9. We were careful to keep our conversations focused on fitness and health rather than weight but over the last year we have broached the subject of losing weight. She says she would like to and will agree to us holding her pocket money so she doesn’t go to the shop, but then something will happen (usually within a week) and then she’ll be back to her old habits. In general she’s a wonderful girl and has many interests and friends. We have a very good relationship and she talks to me openly about her problems. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Is she menstruating and if so are her periods regular? My DD gained a lot of weight at puberty but her periods never became regular. She’s 20 now and also a size 18/20 but recently been diagnosed with PCOS.

Do you actually know if your son is overweight or not? Do you know his BMI? I would say that most 'well built' kids will fall into the overweight category.

If you're daughter is an 18-20 at age 13 it's more than her buying junk- what is she eating at mealtimes? Are you a healthy weight? (I know you said you do athletics but that could mean you run the odd 5k or are super fit.

I would be asking the gp to run blood work testing thyroid, hba1c, fasting insulin and to also consider insulin resistance and pcos. Is there a family history of pcos? Unfortunately modern life, ultra processed food, constant snacking has led to a generation of children being over fed and under nourished and metabolically unhealthy. Focus on whole foods, minimal snacking, limit/stop ultraprocessed food, encourage movement/activity she enjoys, encourage her to join clubs. Read ultraprocessed people, the obesity code and why we get sick by Benjamin Bikman to educate yourself about the hormonal causes of obesity.

Can you get a dog? Once you are past the puppy stage, walks can be of a decent length. We find the DC are far more willing to walk the dog than just go for a walk.

Headphones on with music and a good audio book may also help.

A 13 year old child who is an adult size 18-20 is not just down to eating crap with pocket money. It takes a lot for a child to be that size, and it doesn't happen overnight.

As she is a child, you as her parent need to do whatever it takes to put this right, don't ever shame her, but the health implications of being that size, that young, are huge. The older she gets the harder it will be to shift.

Talk to your Incompetent DH, tell him the impression and lessons he is giving off to his very young daughter will lead to risky health complications.

As PP said, book a GP appt pronto, get her some bloods done to check there's no medical issues here.

She's only young, she's 13, you need to take more control as a parent to stop this from getting worse. It should've never got this far in the first place.

Exercise is good, keep promoting it, but it won't really make a difference to her weight. That's mostly diet related. An adult size 18-20 is a significant amount of weight to be carrying at age 13. Sadly, it will make her a target for bullies (I hope to god not, but school kids are ruthless) which then may lead to more comfort eating.

You need to break the cycle, pronto, with help of medical professionals.

It’s a red herring going down the exercise route and claiming to only have healthy food in. Weight gain/loss is 90% diet so focus on that. Even healthy food contains calories. If I ate an extra half portion of the healthy meals I eat in a day then I’d eat an extra thousand calories a day, 7k a week, which is TWO POUNDS of fat a week. It’s easily done. Portion control is everything.

Seriously? Bit of a gamble to bring a dog into this if it’s likely no one will be arsed to walk it. Poor thing.

Please don't recommend getting a dog.

A dog isn't going to fix poor eating habits.

This is well past the stage of going for a walk!

I also think it's comfort eating or eating to fill an emotional void of some sort.

There must be something she gets a thrill out of that she can buy with her pocket money instead of food?

I do think a therapist is what she needs.

She needs to go to the GP.

You also need to reconsider how pocket money is done if she is getting enough to buy so much food everyday. Maybe some for spending, and some in a different bank account to help her save for bigger purchases?

You need to take her to the GP to check if anything is going on medically.

Then you really need to look at what she's actually eating and how much. She did not get to size 18/20 from just eating sweets. It also did not happen overnight.

OP please take your daughter to the GP in order to rule out any medical issues as a starting point,
I mean this kindly but I don’t think you realise just how much she’s eating. Is she eating secretly? Are the foods you’re having at home as healthy as you say? (There must be reason why your DH is also overweight) How big are the portions?
it’s extremely worrying that your dd is that large at her age. She could be pre-diabetic, putting strain on her joints etc.
You and your DH need to parent her and set an example - reduce portion sizes, reduce the amount UPFs, cook from scratch and get moving - walking is a great way to do this.
I would also suggest counselling in order to get to the bottom of the eating.
Do you watch ‘My 600lb Life’? All those people were overweight teenagers please don’t let that be your daughters future.

I second this.

I disagree with PPs saying that exercise is not the answer. It most certainly is, being active is a very important part of maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle in the long term.

How much do you spend on a weekly food shop? At 13 a size 18/20 isn't normal how did her weight spiral to that clothes size? She's 13!!

It is part of the answer. Not THE answer.

I agree take her to the GP do it right away your daughter needs help from a proffesional she may have underlying issues and teenagers can be so cruel she will be targeted for her weight by bully's. She needs this right away while she is young if this is not dealt with now it will get worse.

This is all great advice, but as 18-20 is very large I would also suggest you go to the docs with her - it would be great if as above she can be part of this and lead it - and ask for a referral to an adolescent weight loss programme.

She needs a as much support as she can get.

A child can't get to that size through eating sweets bought with spending money and too much cake at parties.
Your daughter needs professional support. Right now her life will be hard physically and psychologically and she is being set up to have lifelong health problems. You as her parent need to help her get the help she desperately needs. The GP should be your first stop.

I feel so sad reading this thread i really hope she gets the help she so desperately needs. I'm sorry your going through this OP but you have to take control.

There is no medical condition that can cause a person of any age to be several stones heavier than is healthy. Agree that blood tests should be run, but even an extreme hormone imbalance will not account for 5-6 dress sizes. You have my sympathy OP. A cousin of mine was always hugely overweight and subjected to the full gamut of tests on the instruction of her parents who refused to believe she overate or that they overfed her. She was about 16 stone at age 15. She has her weight under control now after gastric surgery at the age of 24.

I mean this kindly but a 13 year old doesn't get to a size 20 from just pocket money eating. She must be sneaking food elsewhere.

I'd be limiting pocket money I'm afraid if she can't be trusted not to binge on sweets.

I would also slowly start putting money away for private weight loss surgery or injections the moment she turns 18. Hopefully she will be down to a healthier weight by then but if she isn’t, there won’t be the time to lose. Hope you get it sorted!

I think that she’s binge eating on the sly, OP. I’d recommend taking her to the GP, going into the consulting room with her to introduce the problem, and then leaving her on her own with the GP to talk freely whilst you wait outside.

I appreciate that she’s 13 not 16 and therefore leaving her alone with the doctor will seem counterintuitive, but I believe that she is more likely to open up and be truthful if no one else is present. There is a great deal of shame attached to bingeing, and people who binge are crafty and mendacious. I know cos I was one of ‘em.

I wish you luck.