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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Dating a single dad - advice needed/rant

66 replies

Lauramartin1990 · 19/07/2025 21:27

I’m recently engaged to a wonderful guy who is an amazing father to 3 children aged 5-12.

i’ve not met the kids yet because the mother apparently needs to agree to it which is kind of making me feel a bit rubbish. She has the kids Sunday evening - Thursday. He then collects the kids from school Thursday afternoon to Sunday evening.

how can we pursue our marriage and having a child of our own if he’s having to keep me and the kids separate?

I am 35, no kids myself and didn’t want them until I met him. But I’m 100% committed to him and playing whatever role I need to in his kids lives.

I don’t want to push him about it but I also don’t want to constantly feel that my feelings don’t matter.

has anyone else been in a similar position? Please tell me it gets better and easier? Surely his ex can’t hold all the cards on our future?

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 19/07/2025 22:20

so she has every weekend child free - wow she’s on to a good thing

LittlleMy · 21/07/2025 19:11

Guess OP doesn’t care about red flags galore 😬

arethereanyleftatall · 21/07/2025 19:19

This is absolutely batshit.

  1. he isnt a single father. He’s a coparent
  2. it is absolute madness to be engaged to someone when you have absolutely no idea what life will be like with him and his children
arethereanyleftatall · 21/07/2025 19:25

Also op, if this is genuine, I think you could use some help to understand stuff. Do you have people in real life you can talk to, who will tell you honestly that none of what he tells you is true?

Pinkelephant66 · 21/07/2025 19:27

How do you know he’s an amazing father? Have you seen any evidence of this seeing as you’ve not met the kids?

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 21/07/2025 19:29

Charliecatpaws · 19/07/2025 22:20

so she has every weekend child free - wow she’s on to a good thing

I was actually thinking poor her, she does all the grind of school runs and homework and he does parties and lie-ins.

yakkity · 21/07/2025 19:33

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 19/07/2025 22:03

Yeah…what they ⬆️ all said!

You are being played!

He has every right to introduce you to his kids…his ex absolutely does NOT need to agree to it ffs! If he’s saying this, he’s lying (and he knows it!)

Also…how have you even got as far as being engaged without having spent weekends together?? 🤯

Or he’s chicken shit scared of upsetting his ex which is another scenario one should run from

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 21/07/2025 19:33

And yeah, leave him alone OP. Nobody with children needs to put their children through a compulsory second family. Having to live with people they don't know, and don't necessarily like! With a woman who, nice as i am sure you are, does not love them with all her heart, as you couldn't possibly do hecause they are not your kids. It's unfashionable, but I think if you have kids and your marriage splits up, that's your lot. No more kids. Date. Just take care of the ones you have.

And you OP, find a man with no children. When you have your own children you will realise how icky it would feel to condemn them to this - he's not a great father.

Francine84 · 21/07/2025 19:37

How do you know he’s an “amazing father” if you haven’t met his kids or seen him interact with them?

I am baffled as to how anyone could agree to marry someone when there’s such a huge part of their life that you’re not a part of. How long have you been together?

whitewineandsun · 21/07/2025 19:38

So many reasons you should run. You also have no idea what kind of father he is. You can't when you've never met them, let alone seen them with him.

Also, personally, a man with three kids when I don't have my own? No man in the world is worth that in my view - and that's disregarding the controlling ex.

ClearFruit · 21/07/2025 19:39

You have agreed to MARRY someone, and you haven't met his children. What?

HonoriaBulstrode · 21/07/2025 19:47

so she has every weekend child free

Maybe she works weekends?

LeastOfMyWorries · 21/07/2025 19:52

Eh? You haven’t even met them? How can you get engaged to someone when you haven’t had the opportunity to see him, and know him in the most important part of his life? And how can he marry someone that might not gel with his children? Blended families are hard, seriously hard work, can be worth it but for goodness sake how can you agree to marry him!

from close family experience, if the ex is this controlling at this stage it will get a million times worse if you have a child with him. Get out now.

AuntMarch · 21/07/2025 19:56

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 21/07/2025 19:29

I was actually thinking poor her, she does all the grind of school runs and homework and he does parties and lie-ins.

Show quote history

Exactly that! my ex can't do school runs (not without my son having to get up obscenely early anyway) so doesnt have him during the week, but theres no way I'm giving him every weekend in term time so my time is all school runs and homework! If he wants more than EOW he can change things to make it work 50/50.

AuntMarch · 21/07/2025 19:57

I question how fantastic a father can be if he gets engaged to a woman without having seen how she is with his children.
Either he doesn't put his children first, or he presently has no intention of this actually progressing to marriage.

Ladydish · 21/07/2025 20:15

Alltheyellowbirds · 19/07/2025 21:48

It isn’t up to his ex. She might not like there being a new woman on the scene, but you’re about to be married, so OF COURSE you have to meet the kids. What is she expecting after the wedding, that you’ll hide in a cupboard every time the kids stay over?

I’m amazed you've got as far as engagement without meeting them frankly - how long have you been together?

He needs to man up now and stop pandering to his ex. It doesn’t bode well for your future together.

This isn't true. It would depend on the parenting agreement they have in place which is a legal document they both will have agreed to and signed. It can easily include clauses such as when new partners can be introduced.

Hodgemollar · 21/07/2025 20:22

How long have you even been together? How can you possibly be engaged when you haven’t even met his children?

ChristOlive · 21/07/2025 20:25

You’re wasting your time OP

arethereanyleftatall · 21/07/2025 20:50

It is entirely possible op, given that you don’t see him Thursday to Sunday every week, that you are the other woman, and he has a family he goes home to.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 21/07/2025 23:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2025 21:33

35, want kids, engaged but you haven’t met his kids? Not great, I’m sure you know that.

Do you think a frank talk is in order? He’s their parent and he says he wants to build a life with you. It’s his decision, not his ex’s.

I suspect he’s future faking. Sorry.

This.

AllTheChatsAboutTea · 22/07/2025 05:47

It’s not what you want to hear when you love someone and are committed to a future with them… but the previous posters are right. You’ve never seen this guy interact with his children. How do you know he’s an amazing father, other than him telling you how he dotes on them?

Are you rushing things because of your desire to have your own children?

BCBird · 22/07/2025 06:03

OP, think carefully about this. I was in a relationship with a lovely man a grown up kid of 28 but his ex still had a hold over him. It didn't end well. I speak as someone without children too.

thebigyearahead · 22/07/2025 06:04

So you will be married to him from Sunday to Thursday, living together. Then what happens? He moves to another house (his ex’s?) so he can be with his kids Thursday to Sunday, so they don’t see you? Is that how it will work? Or do you have to move out the marital home from Thursday to Sunday so his DCs can come and see him, but not see you.

Are you seriously happy with that set up? If not, you need to change it now before you marry him. It sounds like his ex is VERY controlling and pulling the strings in the background to set you up for failure on this relationship. She should not be calling the shots

OneLemonGuide · 22/07/2025 06:15

The OP’s not coming back on this one is she…

Absolute madness to be engaged to be married in these circumstances. I bet they’ve been together less than a year, and quite possibly less than 6 months!

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2025 06:24

An amazing father does not get engaged to a woman that his children have not even met.

after the two of you have dated for a year or so, he should start introducing you to the children slowly. You can see how it goes. If the children like you, then you can spend more time together. After several more years, then you can broach the subject of marriage and cohabitation.

you say you are 35. If this man is a good father, you won’t be getting married until you are at least 38, but it could be 40. After that the children will need time to acclimate to that new normal before you start ttc.

do you want to have a baby in your 40s while also dealing with 3 stepchildren?