Anyone else sometimes get a wave of relief that they don’t have children?

[knowifIcando]

I’m in my late 30s and have known I think for a long time that I didn’t want kids. I’ve never really actively thought about it although now and then wonder if I’ll regret it.

And then I have moments like today. I’ve been at my sister’s house and my nieces are lovely, gorgeous kids but then she started talking to them about how they had to get their uniforms sorted for school, get the homework done and have baths and I felt such a feeling of relief that I had decided not to have them and could return to my peaceful home.

Not everyone I know says they regret having children but an awful lot of them do.

Over the years I have lived in many different places and met many many people. I have actually found it quite sad how many have said they regret having children

But the OP asked a question for non parents to answer, not for parents to answer. So if you have kids why bother posting.

The thing that always strikes me as odd about these threads is that so many of the childfree are devoted dog owners, which to my mind involves way more palaver and constraints on your freedom than having a child after the small baby stage. I was childfree till 40, and having DS didn’t make that much difference to the shape of my life, but my friends with dogs seem to have to continually dash home because their dogs can’t be left, or only holiday where they can take dogs etc.

So your comparing owning a dog to raising children? And you think the stress and life change would be equal?

I was responding to @KPPlumbing ’s metric of ‘palaver’ and ‘logistics’, as someone who grew up around dogs, spent much of her adult life childfree, and now has a teenager. DS, once he was past the early years, involves way less logistical arrangements and constraining life decisions than I see my friends who are dog owners dealing with. Plus DS is becoming more independent by the day, and within a few years will have left for university. My friends with ageing dogs are facing increased dependence and vet bills.

Well your life must be quite different to most then. For most there would be no comparison.

I’ve four kids who are now adults and I don’t regret a second but I think I might be a bit relieved if they don’t have kids. They are late 20’s and early 30’s and three of them have said they definitely don’t want kids and I’m not sure about the 4th one ( obviously I don’t ask!) They all have good jobs, great relationships and active, fun filled lives. Having kids is such a massive commitment and you also run a risk of having kid who need a lot more help than other kids. One of my daughters was adamant about not wanting kids from a teen and I’ve always been careful not to dismiss her comments. She occasionally gets told she will change her mind by people. Luckily she is confident enough to politely call them out on it.

I don’t think the decision to have or not have a kid should ever be a ‘pro’s and ‘cons’ type of decision. You either want them or you don’t and if you are not sure then you don’t. It’s certainly not about lunch boxes 😅

I love being childless.
I like my peace and to do what i want at any time.
As i said on a different thread no man no kids no pets no drama.
I can just do what i want.

I don’t think the decision to have or not have a kid should ever be a ‘pro’s and ‘cons’ type of decision. You either want them or you don’t and if you are not sure then you don’t. It’s certainly not about lunch boxes 😅

I think more people, actually everyone, should do pros and cons tbh. I agree with the point when not being sure, not having them though

Do know people who made the decision to have children intellectually rather than on gut feeling. They felt it would be interesting and that they would be missing out on more by not having them than by having them. They seem happy enough but it could easily have gone the other way.

Sadly, not all children grow to be independent if they have learning difficulties etc.

We've got one small dog who is very well trained and low key. So she's very much anti-palaver too!

I take your point, however I would say on balance it's probably going to be harder for a child in their say 20s or 30s who is working on establishing a career, brining up children of their own etc to take on that burden. It's perhaps emotionally difficult at a younger age too? I'm not sure though. I just know that I have a friend in her late 20s who is going through this now and it's very difficult for her. She's also an only child and doesn't have extended family to turn to for support.

I think most parents would laugh and laugh at the idea that having a dog is more life-changing and constraining than having children.

I frequently feel a wave of relief that I don't have children. Sometimes from small things like reading Mumsnet threads or seeing harrassed parents out and about, sometimes bigger things like watching more news stories about war and famine and climate change. Whereas I never read or see something that makes me think, even for a moment, "aw, maybe it would be nice to have one."

Yes, when reading about the environmental crisis. And after exiting Tesco on a Saturday afternoon.

I had one child who due to many gynae issues had to have a hysterectomy. She never wanted children and had a battle with a misogynistic gynaecologist that felt he was in charge of her womb! We thankfully found another gynaecologist that agreed she had no quality of life and performed the procedure.

I have had comments from various people how sad it is that we won’t be having grandchildren. For one our only daughters health and quality of life are more important. This may sound callous to some, but I’m relieved that we won’t be having grandchildren. We have our lives back, our daughter is happy doing her thing and lives with her partner. I simply wouldn’t have the energy for what is now expected from being a grandma, and I want my own life and my time is precious.

I recently visited my goddaughter after the birth of her second child, her 3 year old was out at the time. I didn’t want to hold the baby, I never wanted to hold other peoples babies even when my daughter was small. After a short time the 3 year old came home with his dad after a swim, I couldn’t wait to leave, I just don’t have the interest or patience to engage 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think the decision to have or not have a kid should ever be a ‘pro’s and ‘cons’ type of decision. You either want them or you don’t and if you are not sure then you don’t. It’s certainly not about lunch boxes 😅

An awful lot of my friends seemed to just have children with no thought or discussion whatsoever beforehand. Some said they did want them but others said they were not sure but "it was the thing to do"!

I definitely think the decision would be better made with pros and cons taken into account.

Fair enough. It's a double edged sword having dc becuase like you said its the love you have so much for them that also creates the greatest anxiety over them and makes you vulnerable to whatever touches them. I think of it as a piece of your heart placed in the middle of the M1, for a while you can cross with it, anxiously making sure there's no danger in sight, but in time, you have to stay back and leave it alone and pray it doesn't get run over. Someties it gets hit and you're in pieces as you rush to pick them up all battered and bruised and sometimes they get hit and never get back up again, when that happens you stop breathing.

Cons makes sense I suppose but what are the pros other than you want kids and want a family?

All the 'pros' are self serving ones. I want to continue my bloodline, I want to see the union between me and my partner, I want someone to love, I want there to be someone to care for me in old age, I want someone to continue my work, estate etc.
The cons of course are - they might be ill, they might be awful, they cost a lot,they are hard work.

I rarely post on here, but I had kids because my family is very small and scattered- migrant married to another migrant- and I wanted someone to love and to love me. That's it. I have not been disappointed in that. I didn't want my family to be just me and my DH.

I don't identify with these feelings of always having your heart walking outside your body. I am not a very anxious person though and don't worry overmuch, though i do worry sometimes. I certainly don't spend all my days feeling vulnerable and terrified.

Other people may find enough love and connection in the world without having kids. and that's perfectly valid and believable too.

Cons could also be if you dont think you are currently in the right place in your life to have children, the uncertainty in the world, the intense worry for a child. All sorts.

You've left out any reference to anything remotely positive in this analogy.

What do you get from watching a little slither of your heart trying and repeatedly failing to cross the M1?
It seems to me you're just stood on the hard shoulder with significantly epic anxiety and a vastly reduced heart function.

Looks like an awful way to live a life.

Well congratulations and bully for you. Yet here we are on a section of the board that's full of people who dont want children.

Mumsnet isn't just for parents. Just because we dont have kids doesn't mean we can't contribute to the other sections

You're totally derailing a thread in a section created to avoid discussions like this.

NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A PARENT