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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Bit harsh or am I being oversensitive?

47 replies

dentsdubonheur · 31/03/2025 17:50

So, I went with my mum to church yesterday as they have a Mothering Sunday service where they hand out little posies of flowers to the mothers. I haven't always managed to make it with my mum in previous years so I thought it important to try and go this year.

Towards the end of the service, a couple of ladies were walking through the church handing out the posies, and they gave one to my mum and one to me.

Well, my mum grabbed the posy I was holding (which I wasn't intending on keeping hold of anyway) and saying rather loudly 'You're not a mum yet so pass that onto the lady behind you.'

Firstly, there's no 'yet' about it - I'm 42 and single, I'm unlikely to ever have children at this stage and I thought she understood that by now.

Secondly, did she really have to grab the posy off me and make that comment? There were more than enough of them to go round everyone but it was almost like she felt I didn't even deserve it.

I muttered something under my breath along the lines of 'thanks for reminding me of that, but I am a cat mum!'

I just felt that was a bit harsh - and it makes me sad that my mum is still looking at me as someone who has yet to achieve that all-important goal of motherhood. I'm trying to make peace with not having children and her comment just made me question everything.

Anyway, not really sure what I'm looking for in terms of a response (both from her and my fellow child-free mumsnetters), but it just made me have a bit of a wobble. 😥

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 31/03/2025 17:53

Absolutely YANBU, there was no need for that 🙁😡

Have some 💐 from me x

AmusedGoose · 31/03/2025 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TennesseeStella · 31/03/2025 17:57

I was with you until you said you were a "cat mum". 🙄 You're a pet owner, love.

Livpool · 31/03/2025 18:01

TennesseeStella · 31/03/2025 17:57

I was with you until you said you were a "cat mum". 🙄 You're a pet owner, love.

That is what I was going to post! That just sounds odd

Justlovedogs · 31/03/2025 18:06

@AmusedGoosethis isn't AIBU, so that was unnecessary. OP said she hadn't got to church often on Mother's Day, not that she hadn't seen her mum.
@TennesseeStellaagain, unnecessary and unpleasant.
@dentsdubonheur Your mother's behaviour and comments were nasty. I'm not a mum and won't be. My late DM would never, and never did, comment about it in any way.
Have some Flowers from me.

Original poster
dentsdubonheur · 31/03/2025 18:32

Justlovedogs · 31/03/2025 18:06

@AmusedGoosethis isn't AIBU, so that was unnecessary. OP said she hadn't got to church often on Mother's Day, not that she hadn't seen her mum.
@TennesseeStellaagain, unnecessary and unpleasant.
@dentsdubonheur Your mother's behaviour and comments were nasty. I'm not a mum and won't be. My late DM would never, and never did, comment about it in any way.
Have some Flowers from me.

Thank you @Justlovedogs for defending me!

As you say, I don't mention anywhere in my original post that 'I rarely see her' as @AmusedGoose seems to suggest. Only that I don't always make it to this Church service. What you said was harsh and mean, but what do I expect with Mumsnet, eh?🙄

And as for the cat mum commenters, it was merely me trying to make light of a situation where deep down I felt a little upset.

I recently got a cat (JD Vance HATES me! 😆) and I can't help it, but she has become a bit of a surrogate daughter! Obviously, you guys have beef with people who call themselves 'cat mums' or 'dog mums' and that's ok, but no need to derail the thread.

I don't think my mum even realised that she'd been harsh - and I didn't want to make a fuss and make her feel bad on her day, but I guess I was hoping for a little bit of sympathy. Thank you @Justlovedogs and @AllotmentTime for your kind words.

OP posts:
RachelsTrifle · 31/03/2025 18:41

Harsh and unnecessary.

Yesterday I took my Mum out for Afternoon Tea. I sent flowers to my Nana. I sent a card to my childless Auntie. I sent a special message to my single Mum friend. Sent texts to my other Mum friends...
When I went to bed I was pretty miserable because no one had acknowledged me in any way.

I'm not a Mum. I went through 5 years of unexplained infertility and 4 miscarriages before my cowardly husband walked out on me. But no one thinks about how hard it is for me on Mother's Day (or any other day really).

I'm sorry about your flowers 💐

DitheringBlidiot · 01/04/2025 12:31

How very Christian of her.

CottageGoblin · 01/04/2025 12:40

I can absolutely see why it’s given you a wobble OP.
its hard when someone you are close to can manage to still cut you deep.

it was really unnecessary, try and be gentle with yourself.

EmpressaurusKitty · 01/04/2025 12:49

Harsh and unnecessary, as are the stupid comments about cat mums.

iamnotalemon · 01/04/2025 12:51

RachelsTrifle · 31/03/2025 18:41

Harsh and unnecessary.

Yesterday I took my Mum out for Afternoon Tea. I sent flowers to my Nana. I sent a card to my childless Auntie. I sent a special message to my single Mum friend. Sent texts to my other Mum friends...
When I went to bed I was pretty miserable because no one had acknowledged me in any way.

I'm not a Mum. I went through 5 years of unexplained infertility and 4 miscarriages before my cowardly husband walked out on me. But no one thinks about how hard it is for me on Mother's Day (or any other day really).

I'm sorry about your flowers 💐

You sound really lovely. I’m sorry no one thought to check in on you x

iamnotalemon · 01/04/2025 12:52

Hi OP. I’m sorry your mum did that. I think it would have upset me too, purely because of the embarrassment and her making a fuss when there was no need. I’m sure none of the other church goers would have objected to you having some flowers. People are odd.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2025 12:53

Yes, harsh and rude. If not meant that way just thoughtlessness, then let it go.
PS I’m a cat mum too and give no fucks about saying so!

pikkumyy77 · 01/04/2025 12:57

Sorry your mother was so mean to you. What an awful thing to say.

Lottapianos · 01/04/2025 12:58

Loads of sympathy from me. I can imagine my mother doing the same thing, and I would be so hurt. Not being a mother can be a really lonely place, especially on Mother's Day and I think she was unnecessarily cold and harsh, so I really feel for you

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 01/04/2025 13:02

Downright spiteful😡fuck that for a game of soldiers, that's the last Mother's Day I'd be spending with her.

Hugs to you OP. It's a painful enough day anyway when (like me to) you don't have kids, without having that kind of shit thrown at you.

From one pet mom (dog in my case) to another have some virtual flowers Flowers and do something nice for yourself this week x

Mischance · 01/04/2025 13:04

Ah .... a church full of true Christian spirit!

Pancakeflipper · 01/04/2025 13:08

I'm sorry. Your mother was either thoughtless (being kind here) or nasty.

You are not a lesser person. Don't let that eat at you.

Justlovedogs · 02/04/2025 17:58

RachelsTrifle · 31/03/2025 18:41

Harsh and unnecessary.

Yesterday I took my Mum out for Afternoon Tea. I sent flowers to my Nana. I sent a card to my childless Auntie. I sent a special message to my single Mum friend. Sent texts to my other Mum friends...
When I went to bed I was pretty miserable because no one had acknowledged me in any way.

I'm not a Mum. I went through 5 years of unexplained infertility and 4 miscarriages before my cowardly husband walked out on me. But no one thinks about how hard it is for me on Mother's Day (or any other day really).

I'm sorry about your flowers 💐

Bless you, @RachelsTrifle . I'm child free by choice, but sympathise fully with anyone that hasn't had the opportunity to make that decision for themselves.
My mum died four years ago, the day before mother's day, and it's a reminder every year. I decided to buy myself flowers this year, firstly as a reminder of my mum and secondly as I am a dog mum (sticks tongue out childishly at those that hate the phrase :)) and felt I deserved them!

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2025 18:33

Honestly if you're sensitive about not being a mother, you shouldn't go to this kind of service.

BobbyBiscuits · 02/04/2025 18:36

That's exceptionally rude. I hope you told her it was hurtful and unnecessary. Also ridiculous to boss you around and talk to you like a nine year old! She's definitely out of order.

Charmofgoldfinch · 04/04/2025 20:26

That’s really harsh of your mum OP - I’m sorry.
Here’s another bunch 💐from another cat mum 🐈‍⬛

IJWMM · 05/04/2025 04:29

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2025 18:33

Honestly if you're sensitive about not being a mother, you shouldn't go to this kind of service.

Erm, am kind of guessing that she wanted to attend in support of her own mother (even though it ended up hurting her feelings). Are those of us without children (for whatever reason) supposed to lock ourselves away from the everyday world?

CleanShirt · 05/04/2025 06:09

Quelle surprise, 2 of the 3 first snarky comments were from people with children. On the childfree board.

Solidarity OP. From a fellow cat mum.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/04/2025 06:11

Oo ouch. I get it. It really hurts when people say things like that. My church when I was little, gave posies out to all women. As they got complaints from childless women.