Reasons you’re childfree by choice?

[DownThePubWithStevieNicks]

For me, the main reason is I have never particularly had a maternal instinct. There are scores of secondary reasons backing up the main reason, including:

• Having partners who for various reasons (being useless, inflexible career) would not have been truly equal parents
• Really valuing my financial and physical freedom to live as I please, go where I want
• Hating thought of pregnancy and childbirth
• Liking sleep
• Worries about passing on familial MH problems and/or poor parenting
• Concerns about the state of the environment and national and global politics
• Fear that a child could be disabled and require lifelong care
• Not wanting to be a single parent in the 50-50 eventuality that relationship broke down.

I am at the very end of my fertile years now and have no regrets! I’m lucky in that I am rarely asked about having/wanting kids, and when I am ‘I never wanted them’ is always accepted.

Did you have other reasons I missed?

Because I don't want to risk passing on my dodgy genes (I inherited something from my dad..I was affected as a child and grew out of it. He developed it in his 40s. My consultant thinks the reason for an unrelated disability could be in my genes)

In some cases, certainly, but that's not the case for me - there was never any dilemma or inner tussle because I always knew, very firmly and deeply, that I didn't want them. Logically, I don't want them, and emotionally, I don't want them.

I could list a load of reasons why, from serious to flippant, but really, I just don't want them. Why would I even ponder it? 🤷‍♀️

That’s a very logical stance.

No one seems to have done it so far? And why would they? I have kids, it was absolutely the right choice for me and I feel very privileged to be their mother but I don’t think it’s for everyone - in fact I think too many people have children without considering whether they are suitable to be parents, whether they are prepared for it, or whether they want it. It sounds like this thread is full of thoughtful conscientious people who know what they want in life.

If you think about it - if you don’t have kids and do happen to regret it, there’s really no harm done. If you have kids and regret it, there’s potential for immense damage to a vulnerable child. The chance of having mothers read the thread is heightened by the forum though - I wasn’t on this before I had kids and I imagine lots of people only find mumsnet when they become a mum.

I haven’t been keeping track, but if really nobody’s done it so far then that has to be a first.

Same here. The desire has never existed. I’ve never needed to make an active choice because on a very deep primal level I just know I don’t want them, so it’s never been a question. Similar to how you just instinctively know you do want them, I guess. For me it’s in the same category as a lot of things I just viscerally know I don’t want, like getting cancer or dying in a burning building or going skydiving.

Yes, I’ve picked extreme negative scenarios because if I apply any more thought to it that’s how parenting makes me feel: life-ruining terror. Sometimes I do think about it just out of curiosity like a PP said: “I’m having my leisurely coffee, imagine adding a kid” and there isn’t a single scenario I can imagine that would be improved by a child. When I read stuff by parents about the things that make it worthwhile I always think, fucking hell is that it?! You risk your body, mental health, career prospects and relationship and spend years as a dairy cow and bum wiper and the reward is a toddler getting excited about seeing a pigeon or saying they love you? Very happy to never experience those things.

I think I also find the idea of birth and breastfeeding gross and degrading. I’m not saying that’s the objective truth, but that’s how it feels to me. I wouldn’t want to lose ownership and autonomy of my body to that degree. I can’t even cope with puking, let alone squeezing a whole human out my chuff.

There’s wasn’t when I commented but maybe someone will come along now to do so! Feels like it’s a very personal choice either way and I can’t see why people would assume all women would chose the same path in life!

I love children, work with them, always wanted to be a mum. We have one much loved ds. Came here though to say I respect people who choose not to have dc for perfectly valid reasons. Shame there's not more like that instead of many women having children completely thoughtlessly, often choosing to abuse or neglect them or drag up because they don't know how to love and raise a child. .

This. Except I'm now in my 60s and never did get the urge.

Same here.

I did want children, very much, but none of my partners wanted to be a father and I didn’t want either a reluctant father who didn’t want the child nor did I feel strong enough to be a single parent.

Most of us would be excellent parents if we chose to have kids. We'd certainly do our best and absolutely not be abusive! Good Lord!
My husband and I - both kind, sensible people - have been together 20 years and would provide a child a happy, stable home.
We just don't want them.

She didn’t say everyone who doesn’t have children would have been terrible parents.
She said she wished that people who are terrible parents had chosen to not have children in the first place.

Oh, gosh, I'm not referring to you guys on the thread, please don't think that! What i mean was I respect people like you for making a really unselfish, measured decision not to have children for whatever reason. I'm sure you would have been loving, great parents if you'd chosen to. No, I'm referring to the people (so unlike you and others on the thread) who just have kids because they seem to think it's expected of them them mistreat them or are neglectful/ambivalent towards them. It's seen all the time by the amount of children in care and by those people who hurt their children which we hear of through the media. Then there are just people we all see who just don't raise their children well or seem to not particularly care about them. Of course, their is much in between but it seems that so many who should have made the decision to remain children free, don't. I don't know if I'm making myself any clearer but I know what i mean.

Thanks for understanding exactly what I was saying, @PoppyBaxter. It was actually a compliment to the child free posters on this thread.

I hated anything aimed at children when I was a child - toys, games, cartoons etc. my grandmother always said I was born 30 years old.
I hate those thing still now.
I also disliked the company of children then, as I do now.
Babies and children bore me, as does any conversation about them.
Nothing about being a parent attracted me or interested me enough to do it. So I didn't.

I don't like children and have never had any kind of maternal urge: that's about as sophisticated as it gets, really.

I always find these kind of threads often have some kind of follow-up about how CFBC people LOOOOVE their nieces and nephews and friends' kids (presumably so as to not appear as monsters), but, yeah: I have nieces and nephews and I'm as fond of them as I need to be, but I'm not throwing myself under a bus for them or anything.

I think that's okay in the grand scheme of things.

I kind of never met the right person. I grew up unhappy and I couldn’t continue it.

Time, money, and don't want to deal with anyone else's shit.

This x1000

It is incomprehensible to me that so many people want to be bothered with it. When there's a whole wide world to enjoy.

I just never wanted children. I can't explain why, I just didn't.

Liking sleep, wanting to choose how to spend my own time and not wanting to go through pregnancy and childbirth are just extra confirmations!

Social conditioning. We are conditioned to believe that children area e essity fora happy and fulfilled life, and that we will be full of regret later in life if we don’t have them.

Never been around kids as I'm the youngest in the family (and my siblings don't have kids either) so it's just not something I've felt I've missed out on. They just don't feature in our lives. Kinda sad for my parents they never got to be grandparents but they were older than most parents when they had me so my dad wouldn't have gotten to meet any of mine anyway.

As for a maternal instinct, I always say I would have a very strong one which might sound contradictory but I'd just hate bringing a kid into a world like this and would nonstop worry and blame myself if/when something bad happens to them. So yeah I consider myself pretty maternal-not that there's anything wrong with not being that way! But I think I'd be offended if someone just assumed I wasn't because I don't have kids IYSWIM. Best way to keep your kids safe is not to have them.

Just don't know how anyone can know anything about pregnancy and childbirth and think 'yup, that sounds like a good idea'.
Find it utterly mental tbh. Wouldn't do it for a million pounds. Let alone a icky sticky screamy sleep depriver.

@Firefly1987 "Best way to keep your kids safe is not to have them."

Never a more true line spoken!