Husband said something I neve thought I'd hear.

[SoRainbowRhythms]

please note this is posted in the MNers Without Children section

I've been posting on and off about my situation but in a nutshell my husband left me last week. Maybe midlife crisis / breakdown / affair / just doesn't love me any more, we've gone NC so none the wiser right now.

He's slung some (unfair and untrue) mud my way but one has really hurt me. I've always been very upfront about the fact I don't want children, as well as having reproductive issues that probably prevent it anyway. I've always said I'd be open to adoption / fostering if I ever changed my mind (40 this year and not changed yet).

He told me that he did want children in his previous relationships, and that he's just gone along with it for me and doesn't know if he regrets that now.

I was beyond shocked. He's been very vocally childfree by choice since very early in our relationship, does not enjoy the company of children (I was there the first time he held a baby and it was sheer panic) and had never, ever told me or made me think otherwise.

I'm obviously struggling with all of this but this has really stuck in my throat. Would appreciate any thoughts from other CFBC women, has anyone ever found themselves in such a bizarre situation?

This has made me particularly angry and upset because I feel like it's such a personal thing to throw at me.

I haven't had this particular problem, I am childfree by choice.

But to be honest, it's a really personal thing to throw at you, and if it's going to be something that he throws at you repeatedly then it sounds like this relationship is best being broken off. Nobody should have to put up with somebody being repeatedly unpleasant to them about something that they don't want to, or can't change.

Perhaps try and speak to him, without heightened emotions, and see if he has got more to say.

Sounds like the bog standard script/rewriting of history that low quality man perform when making themselves seem like a victim. When people ask why he left his wife, he can play victim instead of saying ‘because I’m a piece of shit.’

Get the divorce started and tell him to have some dignity and you’ll be forwarding his mudslinging to his parents and friends.

This is quite a difficult one. I'm child free probably more by accident. When I was younger, I was adamant that I didn't want them and my first proper relationship probably (with hindsight) broke down because of that. As I got older, I warmed to the idea but didn't find the right person to have them with them and subsequently ran out of time really. I remarried and would have loved to have had children with my now husband but we are both in our 50's. My point is, people do change their mind as they grow older but! He should have spoken to you about this and it's unfair of him to blame you for it. He also made that declaration and should have discussed it with you when he started to feel differently.

It's his problem really. You've always been open to exploring having children but he has never given you an inkling that he might want to as well. Now he has regrets. That's his issue not yours.

However he is free to change his mind about wanting kids but unfair to give you the opportunity to discuss it.

Try not to take the blame on yourself for his regrets.

Great post from @declutteringmymind . Sounds like he's lashing out and trying to be hurtful. If he was genuine about considering kids, then it was on him to share that with you, rather than expecting you to be a mind reader

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds dreadful x

I suspect that as an accusation it was more convenient than true. He has someone else in view, he needed an excuse to move on, he reckons this one sounds good inside his head and will do to the new woman too, and for bonus points it will really upset you and stop you in your tracks. Just a nasty little twist on The Script.

Sounds like the bog standard script/rewriting of history that low quality man perform when making themselves seem like a victim. When people ask why he left his wife, he can play victim instead of saying ‘because I’m a piece of shit.’

Yep. They have to rationalise to themselves and other people why they're being so vile so it's always the partner's fault and the worse they can throw to hurt you the better. I got - you're a golddigger (hooo boy, did I get THAT one wrong), I didn't want to marry you, I only married you because I felt sorry for you, it's all your fault anyway.

Reframe it this way, OP. He's shown you what he really is so when the dust settles you can console yourself with the thought that the trash took itself out. And when the OW surfaces (and I'd bet there is one), that lucky, lucky woman has picked it up.

I'm a bit of a cynic Op but I find it hard to believe he's wanted DC all this time and never said anything, been an enthusiastic CF person to your face whilst wishing he had a child. Surely if he really wanted a DC he'd have run it past you just incase you'd changed your mind? I think he's desperately looking for a way to blame you for the break up, he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's picked on this as his reason. Give it time Op, I think things will become clearer and his real motivation will show up

Never had it to my face, but my ex told all our mutual friends that he’d “lost his wife and children” when I left him. We weren’t married, or engaged, and neither did we have kids, but in his head he was going to propose any second now until I ruined it.

He just needed a reason to make it all your fault, I'm afraid.

The ability of men to re-write relationship history so as to show themselves in a good light never ceases to amaze me. Ex and I agreed to sell and buy a new place, new town, new start; only for him to announce once we'd sold and there was no going back that 'he couldn't go through with this.' This got presented to a mutual acquaintance as 'a mutual decision.'

Talk about 'recollections may vary.' Do they realise they're doing it and if they do, do they have ANY shame about it?

I think perhaps he’s done you a favour by leaving.

He made choices too, and he’s an adult with a brain and a voice and at any point if he felt differently he had the ability to discuss it with you.

Agree with PP he’s lashing out to rewrite the relationship narrative, likely out of guilt. It’s not a good look and it’s most likely untrue.

If I were being very kind indeed I’d say that the journey to childfree is not totally linear in that one can to and fro now and again, even if you “know”. It’s easier once past menopause as there’s a line under the decision, so perhaps can oscillate more for men as they don’t have the same biological time frame.

It’s not your fault OP.

I'm a terrible cynic and I would wonder if he's met a woman and she's either pregnant or already has children and he's going to present this as 'his last chance to have the life he always wanted,' to spin it for other people (when I suspect that he doesn't have any interest in children but he's stuck with it now).

He's had an affair, and is now slinging around whatever he thinks will hurt you. I'd pay no notice to any of the hurtful shit he comes out with

OP not child-free but am a lawyer and have seen this bizarre situation lots of time - not just about children, job, money, house.

99% of the time there is another women behind the scenes they’ve had an affair and in the case of suddenly changing position on children: the woman has children/are pregnant (or when the man suddenly turns round and says he never wanted children and wife “pressurised” them into it the woman is younger and childfree).The re-writing is because they aren’t a bad guy and this wasn’t just about sex - they just met their true soulmate and realised what they wanted. I think most of them convince themselves that’s the case.

I guarantee if he actually had wanted he kids he would have stayed in the marriage and tried to convince you to have them.

Men rarely leave relationships unless there’s another one to go to.

Thanks all. All hard to hear albeit useful (and I've run a billion scenarios through my head already).

Very sad and empty atm but this one comment is weirdly the one I don't think I'll ever get over.

There's always one that strikes home and that you can't easily brush off. Mine after two years was when the whole sorry debacle was coming to a close and he spat at me 'Well, you brought it on yourself!' Like 'It's for your own good,' that is a phrase I especially hate, and I sat in the pub looking at him and thinking, 'I've wasted two years of my life on you and you're utterly stupid.' It was like having a memory wipe. I had no feeling any more, because very soon I was never going to have to see him again.

I agree with this.
It's a cruel thing for him to have said to you OP, hope you're OK.

I agree with others, I reckon he's said this as a way to play the victim and blame you for the breakdown of your relationship, rather than admit his own part in it!

He's apparently been unhappy for some time but only thought to tell me in early December, so it's been a tough few weeks. But trying to keep my powder dry and not be the "bad guy", which I think he wants. If he wants out he can be the bad one.

Still grateful for my CF status because I'm not in a good way, and if I want to rot for the day I don't have to consider anyone else (except my cats!).

He's having an affair and deals with his guilt and overinflated sense of self by making you the bad guy. It's classic cheater behaviour.

Oh the old 'I've been unhappy for some time but couldn't tell you' line that's probably older than I am.

Sorry, brace yourself for an OW; who he's met since you split, of course.

I'm prepared. Scared but prepared.

Consider this part of the untruths that is designed to knock you off course.

While adults often do change their mind about having children, including regretting having them, what he said wasn’t that:

”He told me that he did want children in his previous relationships, and that he's just gone along with it for me and doesn't know if he regrets that now.”

I read that as a confession of lying to you from the start, but he is trying to make it your fault that he’s been lying and wasn’t honest.

You said he flung mud at you that was “unfair and untrue” that comment is an example of both. Good thing you have ended it and are NC, you don’t need someone that toxic and vindictive in your life.