Interesting article in the Observer- mother unable to accept her daughter doesn’t want children.

[KimberleyClark]

Sad that the mother can’t reconcile herself to not being a grandmother but really no mother should expect grandchildren. They aren’t an enitlement.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/07/my-mother-cant-accept-i-dont-want-children-ask-philippa-perry#comments.

I mean, amongst other reasons to be childfree, why on earth would I want to risk turning into a mother like the one I had?
Touched a chord here too, I guess.....

I wonder if that's part of the writer's thinking when she decides to remain CF. Unfortunately a lot of parents seem not to reflect on how their parenting influences their children's decision not to become parents, and I'd guess the writer's mother might be one such parent.

Yes, it's weird isn't it? A script written by someone who has read about humans in books but never spoken to one.

'Yes, it's weird isn't it? A script written by someone who has read about humans in books but never spoken to one.'

Well said ☺️ and as if a mother who deals in demands and guilt trips is ever going to listen and really empathise with her daughter!

I’m glad my brother had kids, because while my mum would never have pressured any of us, I know she loved being a grandma.

My mother had lots (ok 5) children. My sister and I were the first and the others came a few years later.

She didnt enjoy being a mother. She took benign neglect to its extreme and my eldest sister and I spent most of our childhoods without grandparents. Oddly enough neither of us have children and I'm sure it's because we both understand that the unconditional love that we are told would happen between parent and child sometimes do not. It's there with our dad but not with our mother.

That made the decision not to have kids easier. Th e pull is the love but we both know that it doesn't exist for us.

Our brother and sisters have children because, like our mother, they believed that it was the thing to do. I have no doubt they love their kids, but also that they had them through habit and expectation rather than choice.

I always knew I wanted kids but I only want my children to be happy- so if they want kids, I hope they are able to have them and if they don't want them, I hope they don't. I'm already planning on replacing them with (more) cats when they fly the nest, so I'll already have lots of cute little things to look after! 🤣🤣

The mother is similar type to women around my mum who were horrified and sad for her that she might never be grandmother. One or two suggested stern talking to me.

She was absolutely fine with it and openly encouraged me to not have kids just because people say I should. She said it was clear since I was very young that I will not be into having them, so kind of laughed off the "oh, she will change her mind!". She also encouraged me to go abroad, which was met with some bewilderment from some of her friends "But! What eill you do if she stays and your GCs will be abroad😱". Still fully not comprehending the only GC abroad would be a pet😂

My sibling, thoigh, wanted DC but had problems conceiving. Now she has one GC and she is really happy with him (you can see on pics she really is mafe up with him), lots of it is because my sibling wanted the child and they went through number of IVF rounds, it's prayed for one. So I think some of the happiness also stems from my sibling being happy, not just new baby in a family and bloodline not dying with us.

She is happy as long as we are happy. DC or no DC. That's how it's supposed to be

I understand why the response to the letter writer is what it is, but it's really hard to read something which recommends so much kowtowing and pandering to someone who is being absolutely selfish and interfering with something which has nothing to do with them.

It's essentially placing the daughter in the position of being her mum's therapist to get her through her grief.

(You can tell what role I played with my now estranged mum...)

Problem is, there is a cohort of women who believe that motherhood is what you DO. It doesn’t matter if you want to, or if you think you’d be any good at it, you meet a man, settle down and have children because that is The Lot Of Women.

Woe betide any woman who says “Erm, it’s the 21st century now, reliable contraception is a thing and actually, I don’t want children”. You have not fulfilled your destiny. You are supposed to suck it up and get on with it.

<resigned sigh>

When I was in my 30s my mum regularly went on about how everyone else was a grandparent, how I was just being negative about motherhood and not thinking about it enough, how she had nothing to look forward to… It wasn’t typical behaviour from her and now I’m in my 40s I get none of it. But it was shit. Made me feel guilty needlessly, because of course I was never going to become a parent only to please my own mum.

If I mention it now, she makes out I’m being silly and over-sensitive about her ‘jokes’. Well, some jokes like naming a child I don’t have and talking about them really aren’t funny. And when I joked myself and asked if I wasn’t enough, I hardly saw the humour when I got a straight ‘no, frankly you aren’t’ in return.

It was a bad time.

I don't have a strong desire for GC, although I was really keen to be a mother and have 2 DDs (adult) as well as sons.

I genuinely don't think any of them really want children, and that is entirely their choice. Both my girls have certainly made it plain (mid 30s) that they don't ever see themselves having kids. The boys are a bit younger and vaguer, although one is married with a wife who (he says) doesn't think she wants children.

Again, it's entirely their choice. I have (and still am) lived my life the way I chose. The way they choose is up to them.