Interesting article in the Observer- mother unable to accept her daughter doesn’t want children.

[KimberleyClark]

Sad that the mother can’t reconcile herself to not being a grandmother but really no mother should expect grandchildren. They aren’t an enitlement.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/07/my-mother-cant-accept-i-dont-want-children-ask-philippa-perry#comments.

I am eternally grateful that whatever my mother's thoughts about me not having children, she never acted like that mother but respected my choice and never questioned it. (In reality I suspect that she never found motherhood that fulfilling and knew I wouldn't either).

I don’t fully agree with Philippa’s advice - I agree there needs to be understanding on both sides but I think that in the initial conversation the childfree daughter does need to put down a boundary that it’s their decision and the mother needs to respect that - it panders a bit too much to the feelings of the mother IMO.

more generally, i find it shocking that parents are willing to ruin their relationship with their childfree adult child for a hypothetical relationship with a non-existent grandchild. Even if their adult child does have a child of their own they aren’t entitled to a relationship with them, and also they might be a t*at!

My mother was pretty liberal and let me have free range of reading matter from the time I could toddle up to a bookshelf. She censored only 2 books, one of which was Claire Rayner's Body Book when I was about 4 or 5. In that she tippexed our and rewrote a single word.

"One day you will may have children and grandchildren of you own."

I'm so glad she didn't take the tack of the mother in the article.

I think the advice is far too kind toward the mother. Luckily my mum is very respectful of my choice not to have children but if she were making me feel like an inadequate failure for not reproducing, she would be sharply told to stop straight away.

There's a point in the comments that said it looks like the writer has striven to fulfil parental expectations as regards education and career and it looks like this is another one but one she's falling down on; so this pressure isn't something that's an isolated incident but something she's been subject to all her life.

And I did 🙄at Perry's advice, which I doubt the mother would listen to - as someone said, it sounds more like disappointment over not being able to score granny points with contemporaries.

Your mum sounds amazing!! ❤

My mum always said words like ‘might’ and ‘if’ around the topic of me having children and she is very happy I’ve made the decision that’s right for me. Alternatively my best friends parents told her not to contact them until she had children, and she’s had no contact from them for 20 years. Her experience has made me even more thankful for the family I was born into.

Alternatively my best friends parents told her not to contact them until she had children, and she’s had no contact from them for 20 years. Her experience has made me even more thankful for the family I was born into

Those so empathetic parents again, eh?

I think if a woman longed for DC it doesn't occur to them their DD will feel differently, they just assume grandchildren will appear, it seems especially so with their DDs, sons not so much. The poor DD sounds like she's run her life on her DM's expectations, her finally saying No has obviously come as a shock.

Agree, sounds like the writer has - finally - imposed a boundary and DM has run up against it.

I don’t think my mum longed for children, there just wasn’t reliable contraception available in the late 50s/early 60s. When I got married and no grandchildren had appeared after a few years (fertility issues) she would tell friends who asked when I would make her a grandmother “oh, I don’t think they want them, they’re happy as they are”.

She was never a wannabe grandmother either (just as well).

I'm 61 and I know my 31 yo DD1 does not want children. She never has. We discussed it recently when a little drunk Christmas and she has not changed her mind. I'm not sure about DD2 though. She has a lovely BF but is only 26 and still enjoying her the freedom her life offers her. Whether she does want children or not though is no concern of mine. I love spending time with both my DDs and we have such fun together. I am not that fussed about GC tbh.

Well, if the friend ever does change her mind, her parents have ensured that they won’t get to meet their GC.

‘Well, if the friend ever does change her mind, her parents have ensured that they won’t get to meet their GC.’ @EmpressaurusOfTheSevenOceans exactly!
it’s such a high risk strategy! The decision to be childfree is complex, and the mother won’t bring anything new to the table that the adult child hasn’t considered.
By undermining and not respecting their adult child’s decision the mother is damaging the relationship with her adult child and any future grandchildren if her adult child changes their mind.

@KimberleyClark my DM accepted my not wanting DC with grace, partly because I don't think she really wanted to be a DGM that much. Once a married woman had no choice about DC, times have changed but the expectation of married equals babies still lingers on. I'm sorry you didn't get the DC you hoped for, I hope you've made peace with it

My DM must have accepted I never wanted children, we didn't really have discussions about it but she knew I had health issues that would make having kids difficult.

I suspect there are a fair number of mothers who are disappointed grandchildren aren't on the cards, but that's not the problem of their children and nor should it be thoughts they share with them imo.

One of my ex colleagues proudly told us she was pressurising her 17 year old daughter to have children straight after university. She couldn't comprehend that she may choose a different path.
I have one child (sorry if unwelcome here) and I can't imagine ever pressurising her to have DC.
Possibly as I found being a mother really hard .
My own parents were the opposite, they actively told me to consider not having children, as they also found it tough. It think that's unusual.
I do know lots of parents who put pressure on their children to make them grandparents. It's so uncalled for and largely none of their business.

I also thought that the advice given was too angled towards the mother. Ultimately it's non of her business what her adult daughter does or does not do, in terms of her reproductive status but also her job, where she lives, who she lives with (or doesn't), her hobbies, how she spends her money, etc.

Some parents just cannot stop trying to control their children, even when they are adults. My parents tried that crap with me, in terms of me providing grandchildren, plus other things such as trying to control my degree subject choice, where I went to university and even how far I was allowed to travel to work. As a result I just don't tell them things.

Family members do not own each other.

Rant over. This has hit a nerve with me obviously!

Totally agree that the advice was far too centred on the mother. No one can help being sad or disappointed by choices that other people make, but it's absolutely out of order for her to be offloading on her daughter and trying to make her feel guilty. The mother already seems to feel that her own feelings are far more important than her daughter's, I think she needs to be told firmly that the subject is closed

Ugh, Philippa can get in the sea.

My kids are in/approaching their teens and right now I don't feel like I will ever feel a strong desire for grandkids, and I think I'll stay feeling the same. I can't understand 'expecting' it - it's not my choice and also who knows; they or their partners may not be able to, they might not meet someone and so on.

I've been thinking that I really want to just encourage them to make sure they have life skills, and to make sure they have a good social network so that their happiness and comfort isn't dependent on a partner (and if they have a partner, they have life skills to offer and be a equal participant) or on having kids. I think a lot of our kids' generation are not going to want to have kids, in large part as a lot of girls are seeing that motherhood is often not a great deal for them.

My oldest (15) has said they don't think they want kids but even now I'm not going to say 'Oooh, wait and see' or 'You'll change your mind'. In fact I think I've told them they're entitled to hit me over the head with kitchenwear if I ever start doing that! 😆

I was always adamant I didn't want children from about the age of 13. It came to a head one weekend when I was 27 and feeling quite broody (most unusual for me).

Anyway, my husband and I had a conversation about starting a family which ended with him telling me he didn't want any further children - he was 20 years older than me and had already had a vasectomy when I met him 5 years earlier.
He was entirely up front about the vasectomy when we first met but I always said it was irrelevant due to me not wanting children. He said at that time that 'should we still be together and I were to change my mind he would look into getting it reversed'. Well, a few years later he denied ever promising this and that's why I was contemplating leaving him at the time.

I remember being really upset and having a heart to heart with my mom a few days later and it was during this conversation that she said the magic words 'you do know, you don't actually have to have children. It's not the law and having children wasn't the be-all and end-all to a fulfilling life'. It was just such a wake-up call that set mind to deciding not to pursue motherhood. At 59 years old I have absolutely no regrets and thank my mother's wisdom every day. I'm sure she would have loved MN as much as I do.

Have to admit, read that conversation the writer is supposed to have with her DM and wondered if people actually ever talk to each other like that.

But I do agree that it's grim when you are the adult female child of someone who thinks your only role in life is to provide them with grandchildren. The same person who thinks that women who don't want children are "selfish" 🤮
I mean, amongst other reasons to be childfree, why on earth would I want to risk turning into a mother like the one I had?
Touched a chord here too, I guess.....