The 'As a Mum' response at work

[lunitunes]

So my colleague just told me she couldn't attend a meeting because it clashes with her child's nativity play. Fine, no issue. I said don't attend and we can rearrange or it's not important that she attends.

But no, we can't end there. She then proceeds to go on about how life work balance is so important and then the 'as a mum, there's just things you understand'.

I know i'm being extra sensitive but we already agreed she doesn't need to attend the meeting. It wasn't even a discussion, but a plain 'of course' and I just felt the 'as a mum' bit was a jab. I'm not a mum but I also have personal obligations that sometime I have to work around. I also need to make birthdays, funerals, loved ones special moments or do I only become capable of having those once I become a mum. This particular person always brings up the 'as a mum' argument when it's not necessary like the rest of our personalities are incomplete or can't measure up because we don't have motherhood.

Ugh.. I hate that I'm so bothered by this but after another unsuccessful month of TTC, it's just really grated at me about the fact a lot of women my age think I'm less than just because I'm not a mum.

She’s a dick. There’s a woman in my old team who did this a lot, and basically used it to avoid doing any work she didn’t fancy. Incredibly annoying.

Go for the most passive aggressive side eye and “…k.”

(I hope it’s ok to post this here: I have two babies. Some of my work colleagues - shock! - weren’t actually aware of my toddler or my pregnancy until I went on maternity leave, because we mostly use Zoom and it doesn’t need to come up in every conversation)

So do I.

I think a fair number of European countries give parents tax breaks - that may be what she’s talking about.

@AngryBirdsNoMore I won't speak for the whole board obviously but your post was not unwelcome to me. You're the sort of Mother I can relate too, the kind that only mentions their DC when it's necessary and doesn't carp on about it. It's the little digs that drive the CF mad and the endless mentionitis about their DC.

I’m a mum, I just tune these people out and walk off when they start this stuff. It’s not relevant.

Funnily enough, it’s never the committed types, always the slackers. They give working parents a bad name.

Me too!

Oh god you say that. My old boss talked endlessly about her two teens. And I really do mean endlessly. We were working in a small team on a horribly intense piece of work and when she’d start on a long monologue about her kids, all I’d want was for her to shut up so we could all go home to our personal lives - whether childless, childfree or otherwise.

I’d assume she feels bad/ judged/ worried about what you think of her. Nothing else

hopefully (as you say you’re TTC) you’ll understand that one day. It’s a toughie. Women can’t win

Is she related to Andrea Leadsum?!

Next time she does that I would say - Janet, most of us have out of work responsibilities, whether we have kids or not. It’s not unique to being a mother. You do not need to over-explain yourself.

bloody hell - you are more annoying than the OP’s colleague

a) it’s obvious from the OP’s description she was clear it was fine by her. Going off to a nativity play is hardly unusual.

b) lots of people worry about how they’re perceived at work, because they are ill/disabled/depressed/neuro diverse/caring for ill parents etc - it’s not exclusive to mothers

c) not all women are mothers

I was trying to remember this woman’s name, scrolled down hoping someone would mention her and here you are!when she attempted point scoring with Theresa May as a mother - I found her remark way way more than tactless, rude, into offensive.
OP your colleague blathering on after the conclusion of the conversation is her justification, as you said, you don’t need to hear it.

ODFOD.

I go to my friend’s child’s nativity every year because she’s a doctor who never gets the time off.

So it’s definitely not a Mum thing because I’m very much not maternal.

She’ll understand it ‘as a mum’?

And yet OP you did understand 'despite' not being a mum! It does grate, doesn't it.

Women can’t win

Well, not with attitudes like this, no. No need for men to patronise women when ‘Mums’ can do it.

It’s her with the incomplete personality, if her pet sperm are her entire personality.

I absolutely detest the phrase “as a mother…”. I’ve only known one person who said it regularly, as though her opinion mattered much more on everything and I was just too thick to understand the topic of conversation and mattered less.

I am now a mother, and my opinion hasn't magically become any more worthy than anyone else’s!

If it was a one off I’d be generous and think it was anxiety or something to justify needing the time away. If it’s something she says regularly, I’d assume she’s just an insufferable twat.

I recently found out there's a WhatsApp group just for those who are mothers in my department. Because, as above, they are a special flavour of human.

Who said they are a special flavour of human? Perhaps they just want a group for chatting about something they have in common, that other people in the workplace might not want to listen to? If there was a work WhatsApp group for runners or vegans would you be snide about it?