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Original poster

The 'As a Mum' response at work

44 replies

lunitunes · 12/12/2023 13:18

So my colleague just told me she couldn't attend a meeting because it clashes with her child's nativity play. Fine, no issue. I said don't attend and we can rearrange or it's not important that she attends.

But no, we can't end there. She then proceeds to go on about how life work balance is so important and then the 'as a mum, there's just things you understand'.

I know i'm being extra sensitive but we already agreed she doesn't need to attend the meeting. It wasn't even a discussion, but a plain 'of course' and I just felt the 'as a mum' bit was a jab. I'm not a mum but I also have personal obligations that sometime I have to work around. I also need to make birthdays, funerals, loved ones special moments or do I only become capable of having those once I become a mum. This particular person always brings up the 'as a mum' argument when it's not necessary like the rest of our personalities are incomplete or can't measure up because we don't have motherhood.

Ugh.. I hate that I'm so bothered by this but after another unsuccessful month of TTC, it's just really grated at me about the fact a lot of women my age think I'm less than just because I'm not a mum.

OP posts:
mibbelucieachwell · 12/12/2023 13:21

That sounds really hard.

And your colleague sounds very insensitive. Why do you think she feels the need to justify herself?

Very best of luck for next month.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 12/12/2023 13:27

At best it’s insensitive, at worst it’s rude.

Thus might bring a smile to your day -
I work in a school (12-18 year old). No student has any physical or mental health issues that would impede them doing the following ….
I was told that not one of the students have the ability to be able to turn a washing up bowl already in the kitchen sink, the right side up for use, but as I am
“not a mum, I wouldn’t have been expected to know that”……

Strawberriesandpears · 12/12/2023 13:52

It's really thoughtless of her and I am sorry you had to experience that.

In my workplace, when people have a baby (or even a grandchild in some cases) they send an email round to everyone with a photo of the baby and the usual details (name, weight etc). We are talking like 100 people or more that it gets sent to, not just close friends / colleagues. I find it so insensitive to the struggles others could be having.

Wishing you all the best.

Pipsqueakpopsqueak · 12/12/2023 14:12

Is it perhaps that she has at times had to
miss parenting things because of work or is feeling a sense of guilt for being a working parent (I certainly know the feeling of paranoia that i’m letting someone down either at home or work) and she’s maybe trying to advocate / validate herself in a clumsy way?

I totally agree it was insensitive to you, hopefully it was more about her than you.

Wishing you happy news soon xx

iklboo · 12/12/2023 14:29

She sounds insufferably self-involved. She didn't do the whole hand on the chest, head tilt bit as well did she? <looking at colleague who does this every time even though lots of us in the team are parents>.

ironorchids · 12/12/2023 14:39

How insufferable. I'd be tempted to mention it directly to her but I guess you can't without risking looking like the bad guy.

Give her your best confused wtf look when she says it and see if she carries on and digs her own hole.

Limth · 12/12/2023 15:12

It's horrible and akin to "As a special category of human being..."

I don't see men using this phrasing at work even when they're trying to arrange something around childcare. They say "can we meet at 2pm because I've got to pick the kids up?" Simple, professional, and clear without resorting to all kinds of emotive bullshit.

EDI has such a strong hold at my workplace <for good reason in some instances> that no-one would dare to say anything about the "As a mum..." comments.

I recently found out there's a WhatsApp group just for those who are mothers in my department. Because, as above, they are a special flavour of human.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 12/12/2023 15:15

One of my bugbears at work is parents behaving like martyrs by asking for and getting exactly what they need but then acting like nobody but a mum could possibly understand why they requested it in the first place.

I think some are just so determined to believe that nobody "gets" their special status but them that they don't actually hear or really recognise what's actually happening in front of them.

See also every single post where a new mum complains that their friend will no longer travel to see them despite having done so eleventy billion times before. "Childless people just don't understaaaaaaand how hard it is to drive with a kid". They do - that's why said friend did all of the travelling (they're just now fed up of doing so).

fitzwilliamdarcy · 12/12/2023 15:19

Strawberriesandpears · 12/12/2023 13:52

It's really thoughtless of her and I am sorry you had to experience that.

In my workplace, when people have a baby (or even a grandchild in some cases) they send an email round to everyone with a photo of the baby and the usual details (name, weight etc). We are talking like 100 people or more that it gets sent to, not just close friends / colleagues. I find it so insensitive to the struggles others could be having.

Wishing you all the best.

Two of my colleagues agreed with my workplace that to celebrate IWD, they'd do workplace blogs - weekly! - detailing how their pregnancies were going. Said blogs emailed to entire department each Monday.

I pointed out that IWD isn't International Mothers' Day and that some women are - gasp - not mothers and might find that sort of thing quite triggering, which was of course immediately brushed off.

It's one of the things I hate about modern feminism - it feels like it's become essentially about making 'woman' synonymous with 'mother'.

KimberleyClark · 12/12/2023 15:24

It's one of the things I hate about modern feminism - it feels like it's become essentially about making 'woman' synonymous with 'mother'.

I really really agree with this!

pinkfonie · 12/12/2023 15:25

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 LOL - the person who said that clearly has some issues!

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 15:27

Ugh.. I hate that I'm so bothered by this but after another unsuccessful month of TTC, it's just really grated at me about the fact a lot of women my age think I'm less than just because I'm not a mum.

Well OP, I think that it's just bothering you even MORE because you are having a tough time. But trust me, you could be the happiest woman alive with or without children and I'd still say YANBU if you are irritated by this ridiculous colleague.

To be charitable, perhaps she feels self conscious about having to take the time off. But really, she just does think she's special. Ick.

Peterpieper · 12/12/2023 15:28

It’s touched a nerve, I found it helped to remember that any child she has is in no way connected to the child that you hope to have. Her having a child hasn’t taken away your wished for chold. I lost a baby at 6 months, friends were worried that seeing their babies would upset me. It didn’t change the way I felt, I was grieving MY baby. The absence or presence of someone else’s baby didn’t change anything for me.
people are allowed to show off their new babies and tell you if having child related problems. Their happiness shouldn’t cause your unhappiness . That way of thinking helped me.

DonnasShrugaleros · 12/12/2023 15:30

She wasn't paying attention when this was brought up when Leadsom and May were running for the Tory party leadership and it thankfully got called out.

www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-36752865

EmmaEmerald · 12/12/2023 15:40

Limth · 12/12/2023 15:12

It's horrible and akin to "As a special category of human being..."

I don't see men using this phrasing at work even when they're trying to arrange something around childcare. They say "can we meet at 2pm because I've got to pick the kids up?" Simple, professional, and clear without resorting to all kinds of emotive bullshit.

EDI has such a strong hold at my workplace <for good reason in some instances> that no-one would dare to say anything about the "As a mum..." comments.

I recently found out there's a WhatsApp group just for those who are mothers in my department. Because, as above, they are a special flavour of human.

I have met lots of men who make a song and dance about "as a dad".

EmmaEmerald · 12/12/2023 15:45

KimberleyClark · 12/12/2023 15:24

It's one of the things I hate about modern feminism - it feels like it's become essentially about making 'woman' synonymous with 'mother'.

I really really agree with this!

I completely separated off from feminism till recently because it basically became all about parenting.

it's the issue we probably can't name that brought me back a bit.

re the washing up bowl thing - confused! How can they not know how to turn a bowl over?

Extended adolescence another thing that pisses me off hugely.

IdaPolly · 12/12/2023 15:47

Next time just look confused and say "As I said, it's fine for you to go to the Nativity"

Original poster
lunitunes · 12/12/2023 15:52

Peterpieper · 12/12/2023 15:28

It’s touched a nerve, I found it helped to remember that any child she has is in no way connected to the child that you hope to have. Her having a child hasn’t taken away your wished for chold. I lost a baby at 6 months, friends were worried that seeing their babies would upset me. It didn’t change the way I felt, I was grieving MY baby. The absence or presence of someone else’s baby didn’t change anything for me.
people are allowed to show off their new babies and tell you if having child related problems. Their happiness shouldn’t cause your unhappiness . That way of thinking helped me.

I didn't say I'm unhappy about her child. I'm frustrated that despite me completely understanding why she had to take that time off, she still felt the need to martyr herself as a mum. It had nothing to do with the conversation. It's like if I said 'as a woman' I understand the need for holidays.

I think she's completely justified to ask for the time off, but I don't need to hear that I can't understand why because I haven't had a baby yet.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/12/2023 15:59

https://www.gbnews.com/politics/miriam-cates-why-are-we-taxing-families

And in other news Miriam Cates MP wants families to get tax breaks to recognise the cost of raising children. Anyone want to guess who'll be paying more tax if families with children pay less?

Are families taxed 'far more harshly'? I note she doesn't provide figures.

KimberleyClark · 12/12/2023 16:09

Peterpieper · 12/12/2023 15:28

It’s touched a nerve, I found it helped to remember that any child she has is in no way connected to the child that you hope to have. Her having a child hasn’t taken away your wished for chold. I lost a baby at 6 months, friends were worried that seeing their babies would upset me. It didn’t change the way I felt, I was grieving MY baby. The absence or presence of someone else’s baby didn’t change anything for me.
people are allowed to show off their new babies and tell you if having child related problems. Their happiness shouldn’t cause your unhappiness . That way of thinking helped me.

You’ve missed the OP’s point completely.

EmmaEmerald · 12/12/2023 16:19

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/12/2023 15:59

https://www.gbnews.com/politics/miriam-cates-why-are-we-taxing-families

And in other news Miriam Cates MP wants families to get tax breaks to recognise the cost of raising children. Anyone want to guess who'll be paying more tax if families with children pay less?

Are families taxed 'far more harshly'? I note she doesn't provide figures.

Oh FFS

I want a tax break instead of subsidising children.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/12/2023 16:21

Cates's majority is 7kish. Given the state of the Tories right now I'd suggest she has bigger things to worry about than poor hard done by parents.

Lwrenagain · 12/12/2023 16:46

Aww op she's a fuckwit, best of luck for next month ❤

GladioliandSweetPeas · 12/12/2023 17:09

@Peterpieper Way to completely miss the point!

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 12/12/2023 17:09

@pinkfonie oh yes, I think she definitely has a few issues!
(but as I’m not a mum I couldn’t possibly understand 😳)

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