A mini rant about Christmas presents (MNetters without children section)

[LucyLettie]

Just a post to express my yearly annoyance that every Christmas, DH’s family has a ‘buy just for the children’ rule. Which means that we buy presents for the seven children of his three siblings. And yet as the only childless couple, no one thinks to even get a token for us? (They know we would love children but it unfortunately hasn’t happened for us.)

We also buy seven birthday presents throughout the year but we never get one.

Ho hum!

Another day another parent calling the childfree materialistic which is just another word for selfish

However would we cope without parents being around to repeatedly let us know that we are the selfish ones

Yet weirdly parents bringing up their children to expect presents at Christmas without giving in return, nope no materialistic insults for them...

If you're referring to me @Neitheronethingnortheother I really didn't mean this at all, that a childfree person is materialistic, if anything parents are far more materialistic! I meant it more around how people are around Christmas and presents. It genuinely never bothered me to buy gifts for the children and not get anything in return. When I did on the rate occasion, it made me feel appreciated. I have a great relationship with the children too so I enjoy it, I love being the Aunty who spoils them

Just because it doesn't bother you to buy presents for someone and not get anything back doesn't make it okay to come on a thread where it clearly does bother someone, imply that childfree people of a "certain age" can't possibly need a present and then call them materialistic

Personally I like being the aunty that spoils my neices and nephew and the aunty that gets cute, wierd or thoughtful presents back from children who are being taught to be considerate and to think of everyone in the family and not just take without giving.

But hey I'm just a materialistic woman of a "certain age" who doesn't think childfree people should only feel appreciated on a "rare occasion" ffs

I wasn't implying childfree women of a certain age, I was saying anyone of a certain age. Anyway, clearly touched a nerve unintentionally. Fwiw I'd never accept gifts for my child/ren year after year and never reciprocate, I was simply saying it doesn't need to be a big deal. You give gifts not to get them, and if that was a rule (to buy for children) imposed on me and I didn't want to then I probably wouldn't do it

Don't they buy something from the children for you? How rude! And what terrible ungrateful behaviour they are teaching their children.

My siblings and I always chose presents for our uncles and aunts. Once old enough we wrapped and wrote tags and cards for them. And then when older still paid for them too.

I'm not sure how coming in a thread for someone who is upset that they don't get presents from their relatives and posting that people who want presents are materialist is "touching a nerve unintentionally". Seems pretty intentional to me

That's rubbish!
On DH's side of the family there's been an 'only buy for the children' thing for the last few years, but we always buy something for DSinLaw and her partner (who don't have children) and say it's a gift from the children, not us!
I would never dream of not getting them something! I imagine it's just that others haven't thought about it, but there again, that's the point isn't it... they haven't thought!

On my side of the family, there’s me, DH and DC, my late bro’s wife, their 2 stepsons (adult) and their 4 children. DC met my SIL’s criteria for being over 18 and she announced that ‘the family’ were now only buying gifts for the children. Having lost my parents this year, my DC now gets nothing from anyone but us on my side.

The DH has 3 siblings, one of them doesn’t have children so we have usually kept the gifts flowing. All the kids are now over 18 - over 18s get included as part of a family gift unless they are still at school. Our DC is. 2 weeks ago one SIL announced that she thought we should stop the family/sibling gifts. We all agreed. This means our DC will be the only one getting gifts from his aunties and uncles.

Guess what ….. we just rec a gift for the DH and I from his DB! Rather than query, I’ve sent chocs.

The DHs sibling who has no children is happy not to receive a gift and has a birthday over Christmas so will be getting birthday presents.

it’s all so complicated gifts or no gifts

Choose to think what you want and twist things to fit your narrative, the world is pretty bleak if you want to see the negative in everything

Relationships are a two-way street. If one person is routinely putting forth all the effort, expense and time into celebrating the other side of that relationship whilst the other party just takes all that effort and gives nothing back-it's no wonder people become resentful.

It's not about monetary value, and I resent the notion that to be bothered about the imbalance is to be "selfish and materialistic."

No, it's not. Single (and sometimes couples, too), childfree/childless people are often put on the back burner in their friend/family groups once everyone starts getting married and having children. Yet, being expected to routinely step up and be present-both physically and financially-at weddings with gifts, baby showers, their kids birthdays, Christmas, Easter...

All the while, any milestone in that person's life is ignored. Bought a new house? Nothing. Got an amazing promotion? Ignored. Birthday? Ignored. Christmas? Make sure you buy for the kids but we're not going to buy for you or gift something "from the kids."

Being routinely expected to show up as a visible presence in their life to celebrate their milestones whilst your own are ignored and dismissed as less than because you neglected to or were unable to have a child breeds resentment. This is common sense, and often, something a simple card or a token gift would cure.

It all comes down to effort.

This kind of thing can be quite ‘small’ as well, me and my husband made a point to buy separate rounds when we were in the pub and not everyone was in a couple, because the other couples thought they could just buy a round between them. Also splitting the bill per person not per couple when there were single people. We also ask for joint presents for Christmas or a smaller present each that matches the budget from friends who are single, people just don’t think about what’s fair and what’s not. We are childfree and I have one childless, married sibling and my husband has one childfree, single sibling, but everyone else has children and when they started talking about buying just for children we said it would be fairer to do one present per family rather than just children otherwise the childless people and people with grown up children were just buying but their family wasn’t also receiving, so we do that now.

We do have a "children only" policy for Christmas in our extended family but I've always bought something for my DH's childless/childfree sister and her husband(I don't know why they don't have children as I've never thought it my business to ask so I'm not sure what the correct term is.)
I've always thought that what's really meant to happen is that each family unit gives something to the other family units in the extended family. If everyone has kids it's fairly sensible to restrict present giving to the youngsters, so "children only" is sort of shorthand, but a couple without children, or a single person are still a unit of the extended family and should be recognised as such. I would never expect my SIL to buy gifts for her nephews and nieces and receive absolutely nothing herself. Ditto we still give something to DH's parents even though they only buy for our children. It's nothing to do with the monetary value, it's about demonstrating that you care about that person. I'm not surprised you're upset OP, I would be too.
I also think it's pretty shitty parenting to let children receive Christmas presents and not even give a token in return to be honest. I don't want mine growing up thinking that Christmas is all about getting stuff or that Auntie X is some kind of lesser person because she doesn't have kids.

That's fairly hyperbolic to insist that I must "see the negative" in everything

It does however fit the usual parent narrative of:

Come on the childfree forum and berate us for doing it wrong
Call us emotional, or hysterical or imply we are being overly bothered by something when called out on it

I'm not overly negative and I haven't twisted anything. If your posts aren't accurately reflecting your opinions then I suggest you consider whether you wrote your opinions correctly instead of accusing me of twisting them.

However as a piece of advice, if you don't want to "unintentionally touch a nerve" in childfree people don't come and give us your parents option on things

I agree with this.

I had years of this op and I even wrote a post about it (around 10 years ago now!) (and I've name changed a few times since then!).

I could never get my head around it and why no-one would think to buy us something. My dh mentioned it once and his brother said 'but we agreed to only buy for the children'. Just baffling how no-one could think they should buy us a little something.

Gonna be honest I feel I may make a pointed comment or two this year after a bit of Dutch courage. It’s getting ridiculous.

It's finished for us now as the kids on DH side are adults but it still grates when I think about it! I even had a milestone birthday with no gift! (Because 'we agreed only children!') Never mind that just before this agreement my SIL had a milestone and we spent a fortune!!!

Just to catch this thread up, I was given two presents this year from people who weren’t supposed to buy for me. One a scented candle when I feel this would just pollute my home. The other jams with alcohol in when I don’t like the taste of spirits. I really don’t see the point of all this buying for adults who know best what they want and are generally able to buy it for themselves. Both ‘gifts’ will go in the charity/food bank bags so won’t be wasted but it was so disappointing to open gifts I hate. Rant over 😀

Best friend and I spoil each other. Now my parents have passed away and DS is 18, it is definitely a bit weird just us 3 exchanging gifts. Best friend also exchanged gifts with DS, which was lovely and I gave her dog a present too.

Look on the bright side. At least they won't bother next year if that's how their gifts are received.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain no I didn’t let on, lots of appreciative noises.

Try being single in this situation. No one to give you presents.

It almost happened to me one year when it was announced “We’ve only bought presents for the children.” I responded that I didn’t care, and I was giving everyone a present as I’d enjoyed thinking about the right sort of thing for each person.

There was some last-minute shopping I gather. To be fair, I was given a really beautiful antique vase which I still have.

But whenever this sort of thing happens it just makes me re-resolve never to rely on anyone else for excitement or happiness.

I’m quite happy to be given anything. It shows that someone has thought about me. Don’t take that for granted. Ever.

Try being single in this situation. No* one to give you presents.*

I agree @WickDittington - got nada this year as everyone is doing “for the kids only”. I always really appreciate getting a gift as it usually means that someone has actually thought about me and my circumstances.

There's no easy solution to this really. Agree that it's annoying to buy for multiple children when you don't have any yourself. But could receiving a gift yourself, specifically because you don't have any children for relatives to buy for, not feel rather like a 'pity present'?

I can relate to this somewhat because I only have one child. So aunts and uncles only have to buy one present at Christmas and on birthdays. Whereas we have to buy two or three times as many presents for their kids, because they have two or three children. Not technically fair. But equally I don't really mind, because I'd be a prize dickhead if I suggested people should spend 2x or 3x more on my child's present because they didn't have any siblings to buy for - purely to make it fair in terms of expenditure.