Namechanged for this post and apologies as it is long, just wanting to try and get some thoughts down and wondering if anyone can relate...
TL:DR - indecision is making me panic and feeling guilty I (still) don't want kids.
I'm almost 40 and have never wanted children. I remember saying I never wanted kids when I was at school and that never really changed. I have a wonderful DH who has always known how I feel and never put pressure on me to change my mind (same goes for my family). No kids on my side of the family, a couple on DH's side who we rarely see due to distance. Majority of friends have kids but don't live close by anymore so we're never really around children.
The problem is, I've never been 100% sure about it, mainly for the following reasons: we both have good jobs, a nice house, my DH would be a brilliant dad, and essentially we can afford children (sorry not trying to sound goady, just pointing out that we are in as good a position as any to have a child). We've lived in multiple different countries/places over the years and had a great life but we bought our first house last year and its the first time that having a child wouldn't have a negative impact on our lives (in the sense that we wouldn't have liked one while we were living abroad as we were having too much fun etc.).
I'd always said over the years, once we 'settle down' if I change my mind I'm open to it but only if I actively wanted one. My DH would like a child but its not a dealbreaker for him and he has always said he'd rather be with me with no kids than leave me and have them. But this is the main problem (which I've talked to him about) - I wish he felt the same as me. I feel so horrendously guilty that I'm stopping him from experiencing being a dad. He says that he's always known how I feel and that if it was that important to him he would have left years ago etc. but it doesn't make me feel any better; I know the guilt is my issue and I need to find peace with it but I don't know how.
Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one. I've read it often enough on here to know that its true and my DH actually verbalised it quite well for me. I can only think of the negatives when I think of having kids - I don't want to deal with nappies, tantrums, homework, bullying, social media safety navigation, moody teens, the possibility of illness/disabilities limiting their/my life... he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too. I suppose I've always felt like when we have a house and settle down I'd change my mind and want kids but it just hasn't happened yet and time is definitely running out.
So, the emotional wanting hasn't yet appeared for me... however, as I'm still so undecided I'm scared that if it ever does come, it will be too late. And scared that if I have a child I don't want I would regret it. DH and I recently had a conversation about it all and he said 'I think that ship has sailed' but instead of feeling relief that it's now pretty much decided we aren't having kids, I have felt worse and worse since that conversation. Given my age too I'm acutely aware that it's probably now or never.
It's like all of a sudden all the reasons I didn't want kids don't really matter anymore but I'm wondering if that's just because I'm approaching 40 and maybe my hormones are making me feel differently. I just feel like I'm spiralling a bit and I don't know how to a) make a decision either way or b) make peace with whichever decision I make (I say 'I' as I don't think my DH will voluntarily say 'hey you know what, it's not worth it, I don't think we should have kids' even though that's the reassurance I want). I just feel quite down and depressed at the thought of this now being my life and always questioning whether we have done the right thing.
Sorry for the long and rambling post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear how you make peace with a decision that isn't necessarily what your OH wants or how you know when it's definitely not going to happen (by choice).
Thank you x