Why aren't I feeling excited at being childfree when I've never wanted children?

[indecisionruiningmylife]

Namechanged for this post and apologies as it is long, just wanting to try and get some thoughts down and wondering if anyone can relate...

TL:DR - indecision is making me panic and feeling guilty I (still) don't want kids.

I'm almost 40 and have never wanted children. I remember saying I never wanted kids when I was at school and that never really changed. I have a wonderful DH who has always known how I feel and never put pressure on me to change my mind (same goes for my family). No kids on my side of the family, a couple on DH's side who we rarely see due to distance. Majority of friends have kids but don't live close by anymore so we're never really around children.

The problem is, I've never been 100% sure about it, mainly for the following reasons: we both have good jobs, a nice house, my DH would be a brilliant dad, and essentially we can afford children (sorry not trying to sound goady, just pointing out that we are in as good a position as any to have a child). We've lived in multiple different countries/places over the years and had a great life but we bought our first house last year and its the first time that having a child wouldn't have a negative impact on our lives (in the sense that we wouldn't have liked one while we were living abroad as we were having too much fun etc.).

I'd always said over the years, once we 'settle down' if I change my mind I'm open to it but only if I actively wanted one. My DH would like a child but its not a dealbreaker for him and he has always said he'd rather be with me with no kids than leave me and have them. But this is the main problem (which I've talked to him about) - I wish he felt the same as me. I feel so horrendously guilty that I'm stopping him from experiencing being a dad. He says that he's always known how I feel and that if it was that important to him he would have left years ago etc. but it doesn't make me feel any better; I know the guilt is my issue and I need to find peace with it but I don't know how.

Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one. I've read it often enough on here to know that its true and my DH actually verbalised it quite well for me. I can only think of the negatives when I think of having kids - I don't want to deal with nappies, tantrums, homework, bullying, social media safety navigation, moody teens, the possibility of illness/disabilities limiting their/my life... he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too. I suppose I've always felt like when we have a house and settle down I'd change my mind and want kids but it just hasn't happened yet and time is definitely running out.

So, the emotional wanting hasn't yet appeared for me... however, as I'm still so undecided I'm scared that if it ever does come, it will be too late. And scared that if I have a child I don't want I would regret it. DH and I recently had a conversation about it all and he said 'I think that ship has sailed' but instead of feeling relief that it's now pretty much decided we aren't having kids, I have felt worse and worse since that conversation. Given my age too I'm acutely aware that it's probably now or never.

It's like all of a sudden all the reasons I didn't want kids don't really matter anymore but I'm wondering if that's just because I'm approaching 40 and maybe my hormones are making me feel differently. I just feel like I'm spiralling a bit and I don't know how to a) make a decision either way or b) make peace with whichever decision I make (I say 'I' as I don't think my DH will voluntarily say 'hey you know what, it's not worth it, I don't think we should have kids' even though that's the reassurance I want). I just feel quite down and depressed at the thought of this now being my life and always questioning whether we have done the right thing.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear how you make peace with a decision that isn't necessarily what your OH wants or how you know when it's definitely not going to happen (by choice).

Thank you x

Yes she is not sure, she has internal dilema so obviously "why not ttc" is not particularly the bestest advice, is it

I don’t know a single person who has ever regretted having a child.

There have been quite a lot of threads on MN posted by women who regret having children.

You shouldn’t have a child unless you really want one, as your friends say. It’s normal to have an attack of anxiety about your fertile life ending, which is probably what’s brought this up.

Your DP has made his choice. In another life he’d have kids, but the point is, he chose to stay in this life.

No one gets everything they want, compromise, sadness and regret are part of life. It’s just how it is, whether you have kids or not.

You don’t want to have kids, so embrace the next stage, and design your life how you both want. (It would be a bit weird to feel excited about not having kids the way people are excited about being pregnant, because it’s not a new thing. You need to actively shape the next stage of your child free life, and then you’ll appreciate it.)

Go for it. You only regret the things you don't do.

The love you feel for your kids is just insane. I've never regretted it for a second.

Correct me if I’m wrong OP, but did you come to the MNers without children board to specifically get responses from MNers without children?

Or were you also hoping to hear from the people who will tell you that ‘nobody ever regrets having kids & that it would be the best decision you ever made?’

Amen.

@indecisionruiningmylife if you look through this particular board (which shouldn't be in active...) you can see what are people planning, how are they dealing with it etc. Lots of happy childfree people getting on with life. Lots of people who couldn't a d are now making most of it. Have a chat on some threads and see if you would be hapoy. It really sounds like a fomo and guilt, the latter you absolutely don't need to feel!

Just highlighting....

That’s simply untrue.

How many people regret marrying the wrong person / getting into debt / buying the wrong house etc?

I don’t know a single person who has ever regretted having a child.

Only, you know, the abusive parents, the parents who kill their children, the parents who walk away and never see their kids again etc etc etc

The OP sounds like she would be a lovely parent if she ever decided to go that way (and a lovely childfree woman if she doesnt) but it's incredibly naive to say that you don't know a single person who has ever regretted having a child when 1 in 5 children are abused and 1 in 5 seperated fathers see their children less than once a month

I don’t know a single person who has ever regretted having a child

I do. My mum.

"I've always said I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them."

I think this is honestly the best way to look at it. You can't send them back so if you're sure you don't want them (which you have been until now), then that probably the right choice.

It's Schroedinger's child isn't it? And there's no way of knowing for sure, which is the right choice, so you have to make your best guess and go with it and accept the outcome.

It's ok to have a wobble but that's probably all it is.

I was on the fence and had a very busy life and just got to a point where I felt like I had done everything I wanted to do with my life and I would no longer resent a child for robbing me of my freedom. This sounds like a terrible reason to have a kid but that was what had previously held me back. I now have a son and it is fucking hard work but my god it is also amazing and I'm so glad I have him in my life. It's a whole new adventure and gives my life a whole new purpose

Mine too

I also knew William Billingham slightly who killed his daughter to get back at his ex. He seemed perfectly normal and mild mannered the times I had dealt with him. But he is who I think of when anyone waffles on about how no one regrets becoming a parent, parents are more empathetic, parents are kinder etc etc etc

Again this is not a judgement on the OP who comes across as thoughtful, considered and caring

I think maybe you want a child, OP x ❤️

I have to assume that the OP posted on the MNers without children board because she wanted to here from CF MNers and if they'd felt the same way. Surely if she wanted parents telling her it's the greatest love and no-one regrets having a child, she would have posted on one of the many other boards available to parents?

I'm a parent but I do think that if I'd got to the age of 40 without my kids, my life just would not be set up for them in any way, shape or form.

When I had a child at the young age of 21, I didn't WANT to have a child at that time or stage of my life. So I don't necessarily think that you have to want kids with every fibre of your being to be a good parent either.

Well I didn’t say she should whip
out the ovulation sticks did I?

Couldn't be a clearer case of FOMO. Stick with your decision and don't let hormones and fear change your mind.

Contrary to popular belief by some, having unprotected sex is in essemce ttc and no, it would not be a "surprise baby". You don't have (willing) unprotected sex unless you want to make a child in this day and age and country.
"we will see what will happen if we don't use contraception" is planning a child.

Can't belive a basic like that has to be spelled out. It explains many suprise pregnancies though

I never wanted kids. From a very early age I couldn’t see any positives and found interacting with them messy and uncomfortable.

I met DH and he was keen to have them and it basically became a deal breaker for him. I didn’t want him to leave and I also got into obsessive calorie counting, exercising and my periods totally stopped so I wasn’t ovulating or anything. That year of kind of trying but not being able to conceive made me a bit desperate.

My DC is a wonderful human and I’m doing my best every day but I now see why I wasn’t naturally into the idea and have really struggled to parent through some of the tempers and tantrums over the years. I loved the baby days - mat leave was one of the best years of my life but it’s really tough and doesn’t come naturally to me.

If you can reconcile your DH’s feelings and yours I think if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, personally. But I would possibly find a new study or hobby or give back/volunteer in some way to give you a new passion for something maybe.

Don't underestimate your age having an effect, either. I was adamant from the age of 15 I wasn't having children but I had a mid 40s wobble when I told myself it was too late now anyway.

I had a wobble as I reached 40, but for me it was because for the first time in my life I was with someone who I could have seen be considering having them with. However, for me it was always going to be hypothetical because I'd had cancer in my early 20's and so knew I was infertile anyway.

It soon passed because as well as knowing it was never going to be possible deep down I knew it was just a hormonal blip. My partner was totally open to having them as he already had two who were adults and he enjoyed being a dad, but he knew it had to be my decision as it would never be easy for us.

What ridiculous advice, of course you can regret having children and then you end up ruining your life AND the life of the child you'd rather not have

Mine too.

And a vast number of people I know have admitted that if they had their life again they wouldn't have kids. They just tend not to share their thoughts with fellow parents.

I am not sure you actually want children but it sounds like time is running out and some sort of fear has overcome you, or guilt towards your husband?

There is nothing wrong with having no kids.

I am 33 with 2 (one died in childbirth), so wound have 3. There is a lot of devastation and loss which I was blissfully unaware of until my baby died at 35 weeks. Infertility, miscarriages, stillbirth, TFMR, all sorts I've learned about. I was aware but once you join the club, you see and hear so much more. I almost wish we stopped at 3 but I suppose my baby dying actually turned me into a nicer / much more empathetic human.

Don't have a child just because you feel guilty at depriving your husband of one. He has said the right things and given it would undoubtedly be your life which will change the most as normally even in this enlightened age women seem to still bear the brunt of child rearing and have their careers disrupted by maternity leaves, childcare costs and reduction of promotion opportunities.

You need to take your feelings about your husbands FOMO out of the equation. Don't have one unless you really want one.