Why aren't I feeling excited at being childfree when I've never wanted children?

[indecisionruiningmylife]

Namechanged for this post and apologies as it is long, just wanting to try and get some thoughts down and wondering if anyone can relate...

TL:DR - indecision is making me panic and feeling guilty I (still) don't want kids.

I'm almost 40 and have never wanted children. I remember saying I never wanted kids when I was at school and that never really changed. I have a wonderful DH who has always known how I feel and never put pressure on me to change my mind (same goes for my family). No kids on my side of the family, a couple on DH's side who we rarely see due to distance. Majority of friends have kids but don't live close by anymore so we're never really around children.

The problem is, I've never been 100% sure about it, mainly for the following reasons: we both have good jobs, a nice house, my DH would be a brilliant dad, and essentially we can afford children (sorry not trying to sound goady, just pointing out that we are in as good a position as any to have a child). We've lived in multiple different countries/places over the years and had a great life but we bought our first house last year and its the first time that having a child wouldn't have a negative impact on our lives (in the sense that we wouldn't have liked one while we were living abroad as we were having too much fun etc.).

I'd always said over the years, once we 'settle down' if I change my mind I'm open to it but only if I actively wanted one. My DH would like a child but its not a dealbreaker for him and he has always said he'd rather be with me with no kids than leave me and have them. But this is the main problem (which I've talked to him about) - I wish he felt the same as me. I feel so horrendously guilty that I'm stopping him from experiencing being a dad. He says that he's always known how I feel and that if it was that important to him he would have left years ago etc. but it doesn't make me feel any better; I know the guilt is my issue and I need to find peace with it but I don't know how.

Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one. I've read it often enough on here to know that its true and my DH actually verbalised it quite well for me. I can only think of the negatives when I think of having kids - I don't want to deal with nappies, tantrums, homework, bullying, social media safety navigation, moody teens, the possibility of illness/disabilities limiting their/my life... he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too. I suppose I've always felt like when we have a house and settle down I'd change my mind and want kids but it just hasn't happened yet and time is definitely running out.

So, the emotional wanting hasn't yet appeared for me... however, as I'm still so undecided I'm scared that if it ever does come, it will be too late. And scared that if I have a child I don't want I would regret it. DH and I recently had a conversation about it all and he said 'I think that ship has sailed' but instead of feeling relief that it's now pretty much decided we aren't having kids, I have felt worse and worse since that conversation. Given my age too I'm acutely aware that it's probably now or never.

It's like all of a sudden all the reasons I didn't want kids don't really matter anymore but I'm wondering if that's just because I'm approaching 40 and maybe my hormones are making me feel differently. I just feel like I'm spiralling a bit and I don't know how to a) make a decision either way or b) make peace with whichever decision I make (I say 'I' as I don't think my DH will voluntarily say 'hey you know what, it's not worth it, I don't think we should have kids' even though that's the reassurance I want). I just feel quite down and depressed at the thought of this now being my life and always questioning whether we have done the right thing.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear how you make peace with a decision that isn't necessarily what your OH wants or how you know when it's definitely not going to happen (by choice).

Thank you x

Thank you @Sauerkrautsandwich I too have lost all patience with this. And I feel so sorry for the poor OP.

Are we not allowed a safe spacewhere we can discuss being childfree without being lectured by parents?! This board seems to be like catnip to them

Isn't it just. Fully support getting this out of Active as it appears that others are welcome to post but please be respectful is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

I don't know anyone that's regretted not having children in their 40s but those same people regretted it in their later lives, 60s, 70s Nearly always.

Don't think your child will be like the others. I always thought my dd wS going to be different and she is. She's gorgeous , she looks at me as if I'm the only thing in her world and it makes me feel like never before.

Its not always all nappies and crying and it certainly wasn't for me. When she was 4 months old, I decided it was a doddle and wanted another.

I didn't go on to have another but just saying.

I don't know anyone that's regretted not having children in their 40s but those same people regretted it in their later lives, 60s, 70s Nearly always

Well here's one in her very late 60s who's 100% not regretful. And I bet if you widened your social circle a tad you'd find others.

Don't think your child will be like the others

This has to be the most meaningless comment I've seen on this site for a while. What others? how do you know what your child's going to be like in advance?

Oh bore off.

Look into the future, and see if you think it’s something you might regret if you don’t ever have a child. I know that’s hard to do, but it’s now or never and your body is telling you to be sure in your decision. If you are sure - enjoy the child free opportunities and be happy. However, don’t underestimate the strength of love and happiness that being a parent brings. Yes, it’s hard work and tiring, but so is life. The flip side is it can bring so many different opportunities and unconditional love, lots of fun, and I have never for a moment regretted being a mum.
Its just time to reassess- whatever decision you make you have to be happy with. 💐

The flip side is it can bring so many different opportunities and unconditional love

Someone's not been on the Stately Homes thread. Or the thread about emotionally unavailable mothers. Or numerous other threads about fraught parent child relationships both as children and as adults.

I don't doubt being a parent CAN be wonderful. So often, though, it CAN be exactly the reverse.

I am a parent.

Reading your OP, it’s pretty clear that you don’t want children. You don’t mention positives of children, you mention avoiding negatives (eg avoiding depriving dh of a child).

You have just got to the age where the decision is going to be permanent - up until now, you could change your mind and that’s what’s shaking you. You also have FOMO to contend with and society’s expectation of women to have kids.

Regarding having kids: They will put a strain on any marriage. You sound like you’re in a great position - why rock the boat for something you don’t even positively want?

Having kids is fucking hard work. It can impact your health and sanity. And that’s ok, if it’s what you really want - but you don’t.

I don’t think this topic should come out of active. OP is free to ignore posts that aren’t helpful.

@Sauerkrautsandwich I too have just reported it as I've had enough of the patronising / insensitive comments from parents and quite frankly it was making me want to write really nasty bitchy replies and I don't want to be that person.

it is a huge commitment and it would be life changing. You need to decide if you want that change of life. But once they exist I think very few parents actually regret their child. So that is one possible negative I think you can probably cross out.

Actually, I am on the stately homes thread all the time- I have a very complex backstory, so please don’t make assumptions as you know nothing about me. I’ve offered a balanced and supportive viewpoint based on my own parenting experience, both as mum now, having a disabled child, many miscarriages and a very much not perfect upbringing which I’ve come to terms with and changed my own narrative for.
My advice remains unchanged- reflect, reassess , then own your decision, whatever that is - happy now, @MrsDanversGlidesAgain ?
Good luck, OP x

happy now, @MrsDanversGlidesAgain ?

Yes I am, thanks for your solicitude for my welfare.

But once they exist I think very few parents actually regret their child

Apart from the ones who abandon them, neglect them, abuse them and kill them, of course.

My situation was coloured having had a horrendous miscarriage 10 yrs earlier. It took 7 yrs to get over it and so I having experienced a pregnancy previously up to a point... I was always left yearning and when I hit 39 I thought my time was over.

I went to have a child on my own through a donor, and am a single mother by choice.

But I will Bore off now ;-)

Why aren't I feeling excited at being childfree when I've never wanted children?

Is that the kind of thing that one gets excited about? Surely you get excited about doing something, rather than not doing it?

But there is literally no reason for having a DC. Your DH isn't pushing you into having one, he's said he'd choose a child-free life with you over being a dad, so why the agonising? You've been upfront about your choice from childhood, you didn't force him into having a relationship with you and not getting the chance to be a dad - he could've walked away at any point and formed a relationship with someone else if he felt strongly about having children. And no, you shouldn't have a DC unless YOU want one. Do YOU want one? No? Then don't.

OP posted on the childfree board but yet again it’s been bombarded by the ‘have a kid you won’t regret it’ brigade! If she wanted parent’s opinions she would have posted on the many other boards.

I can’t wait for that one annoying poster who always pops her head in these kinds of threads 🙄

I think whether you have children or not by the time you are 40 you get 'a wobble'. It's either have more or have one, and it speaks loudly to many women at this age!

That said, when I read your OP, I feel like you aren't completely sure you have made the right decision. You say you are in a position where all the reasons why you'd said not to have a child have disappeared. Personally, in your position, I would really examine those feelings, examine why you've always said you never wanted children, examine what you think it means for your relationship with DH - all of it, in depth and with absolute vulnerable honesty

All anyone here can tell you is it is life changing, but only you will know whether you want to make that life change (for all the good and the bad) and because of your age, this is it, this is where the final decision is made.

Why aren't you excited about not having children? Because that's not an event, it's hard to be excited about something not happening.

You can, however, be excited about all the things you can do that you wouldn't be able to do if you had children. Holidays, hobbies, adventures, career progress etc. It's not one thing but it can be a rich and fulfilling life in place of sacrifice and scrubbing.

I have 2 DC, I don't regret having them but tbh the plus sides and minus sides balance out fairly equally, I wouldn't say I'm overall either happier or unhappier. There are wonderful things and also terrible things. But mostly it means you lose control of your life for 20 years or so. If you have children with additional needs (more likely over 40) then you might have daily care commitments beyond that.

On an average day, I get woken by 4yo at around 6.30, there are battles and whinging to get them breakfasted and dressed and off to school, then straight into work and knock off at 3 to get them (this has hampered career progression, earning and means I'm stuck in my job), they whinge for a snack, then I make their tea, get them to bed - by about 8.30 they're asleep but often there is stuff to do after with planning parties, birthdays, clothes, clubs, etc. If DH goes out then I have to stay in. Weekends are the same. You have a few hours to yourself a week if you're lucky.

There are moments in it all when they're delightful and interesting and loving, but also quite a lot of the time they're angry, tired, demanding etc. And when they're sick it's a whole other level of terrible.

The list of things I could think to do if I didn't have children is ENORMOUS. Make your list! Have kids if you want, but don't imagine it's the key to all happiness.

I love my kid more than anything and I don’t regret having her for a moment BUT having her made me realise that I could have been equally as happy without children, albeit in a different way. You don’t need children to have a fulfilling life, to feel great love, to have something to be passionate about. Those things come from you and you can make them happen (or not happen!) either way. Don’t see this decision as having a right or wrong answer, where one path leads to happiness and the other to misery. Like most decisions in life, there’s joy and pain either way. I hope that brings you some comfort, whatever you decide.

Indeed @underdramatic, yet it goes on. They just can't help themselves. I thought parents are supposed to be sooo busy / sooo tired but somehow they can find time to read and post on the non-parents board.

I think whether you have children or not by the time you are 40 you get 'a wobble'. It's either have more or have one, and it speaks loudly to many women at this age!

This is exactly what I was thinking. I have two DC and have had lots of wobbles in my early 40s about wanting one more. It’s completely irrational. DC are almost adults, we ‘completed our family’ nearly 16 years ago. And DH had the snip 15 years ago so it was not an option anyway! Didn’t stop me occasionally wondering and yearning but it is just hormonal and the knowledge that my ovaries are shutting up shop and there will be never be another chance. Absolutely doesn’t mean I really want or should have another child.

I am a parent so apologise if my being on the thread is intrusive but just wanted to add that I’m another one who is baffled by all the parents coming here to tell OP she wants a child really or she should just go for it and won’t regret it. OP has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want children!

Having children is selfish- I believe that. Or at least I know it was in my case. I can never understand those who think not having children is selfish.

Wow, I did not expect so many responses so thank you to everyone who has responded, I have read every comment and taking it all on board. Special apologies to the poster who is upset I have taken so long to respond as I'm "too busy being child-free". I was actually working late, having my dinner, slept for a few hours and up again at 6 to come to work...

Anyway just to address a few points that came up. I definitely phrased the 'excited' comment wrong I think! I don't expect life as I currently know it to suddenly be exciting, I think I feel more that as I've never wanted children (guilt and FOMO aside), now I'm pretty much at the now or never stage and it's almost certainly going to be 'never' I thought the relief of making a decision would be stronger and mean I could get more excited about doing things knowing the decision is made. Maybe this will come in time and I don't think I'm explaining it very well so let's just say I meant 'relief' instead of 'excitement'!

An earlier poster asked if I was seeking opinions from childfree people or parents, primarily I was wondering if any childfree women had the same feelings as I am having (hence posted on the CF board, not sure why some posters thought I'm not CF!) but it has been helpful to hear from some of the parents. Although I do have to disagree with the 'no-one regrets it' comments as I think I have read enough comments from various forums to know that some people do and I actually am lucky to know a lot of very honest women in real life who also (unsolicitedly) tell me if they had the chance again they wouldn't do it.

But, as a few people have pointed out, it is my choice and my choice alone and I totally understand no-one on here can tell me what to do but it does help to hear that a few people (both CF and parents) have had a wobble around my age so again, taking the guilt and FOMO out of it I do know deep down that I don't want children so there is no reason to have one to please anyone else.

@minisoksmakehardwork thank you for your detailed post, I found it very helpful and appreciate it.

@NewHouseShuffle thank you as well, it is something I've thought of, ironically, the only part that I think I would like would be the cute baby stage before they can crawl/walk, the rest of it doesn't appeal to me! Well, apart from having grown up kids as I really enjoy the relationship I have with my parents now (but god I was a moody teenager!).

As suggested, I think I am going to take some time and do some deep thinking about not only the different stages of a child's life but my own going forward and try and imagine how I want my life to look at various stages. I think this will help with the wobbles as many of you have pointed out, my wobbles aren't my feelings changing but concern for DH and FOMO.

@Sauerkrautsandwich apologies I'm not sure what the active comment means, do I need to do something with my post?

@HundredMilesAnHour thank you!

Sorry I can't remember who said it but someone asked if I'd be feeling this way if my DH didn't want kids. Obviously I can't know for sure but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, I think if he was adamant he didn't want kids it would be great as I wouldn't need to think about it! As much as I agree with a lot of you who have said to believe what my DH is telling me that he is fine not to have kids, I do think he must wonder about the alternative which makes me sad for him. But maybe that is what I need to work on...

Sorry for not tagging everyone but there have been many helpful comments here so thanks again for those who have taken the time to respond ❤

@indecisionruiningmylife only you can make the decision to have a baby or not, I never wanted kids, but then meet my dp at 33 late on in life, had a miscarriage and I knew from then I wanted a baby had 3 more miscarriages before I had my little girl one in 2 weeks and she is the best thing to happen to me, I'm nit going to lie it's tough at 40 lol, not all sunshine and rainbows but wouldn't change it for the world 💖

I agree with this.

There is no way to predict the future. It hasn’t happened. Which means really you can’t say whether you’d be happier or not if you had a child.

Worth remembering that “normal” life does return after the children leave home. They won’t necessarily be the life changing experience you imagine.

My DH would have had kids if I have wanted them - we had a big wobble about it at one point, mainly because I felt guilty of depriving him. But I think societal pressure and gender roles had a lot to do with it: I had a lot of difficulty with the fear of being "different/deficient" in some way, and DH was definitely keener on parenthood as he definitely had a kind of "Disney dad" rose-tinted view of it. His upbringing as well as society in general was very oriented to the menfolk doing the fun, hobbies and outdoor stuff, while the women did the rest of the shit. I think he was fairly unrealistic about exactly what equal parenting would have looked like (and I am the main breadwinner, so he definitely would have had to step up).

Mid-fifties, he often says how glad he is that we didn't have kids, so I did get the relief of that in the end!