Why aren't I feeling excited at being childfree when I've never wanted children?

[indecisionruiningmylife]

Namechanged for this post and apologies as it is long, just wanting to try and get some thoughts down and wondering if anyone can relate...

TL:DR - indecision is making me panic and feeling guilty I (still) don't want kids.

I'm almost 40 and have never wanted children. I remember saying I never wanted kids when I was at school and that never really changed. I have a wonderful DH who has always known how I feel and never put pressure on me to change my mind (same goes for my family). No kids on my side of the family, a couple on DH's side who we rarely see due to distance. Majority of friends have kids but don't live close by anymore so we're never really around children.

The problem is, I've never been 100% sure about it, mainly for the following reasons: we both have good jobs, a nice house, my DH would be a brilliant dad, and essentially we can afford children (sorry not trying to sound goady, just pointing out that we are in as good a position as any to have a child). We've lived in multiple different countries/places over the years and had a great life but we bought our first house last year and its the first time that having a child wouldn't have a negative impact on our lives (in the sense that we wouldn't have liked one while we were living abroad as we were having too much fun etc.).

I'd always said over the years, once we 'settle down' if I change my mind I'm open to it but only if I actively wanted one. My DH would like a child but its not a dealbreaker for him and he has always said he'd rather be with me with no kids than leave me and have them. But this is the main problem (which I've talked to him about) - I wish he felt the same as me. I feel so horrendously guilty that I'm stopping him from experiencing being a dad. He says that he's always known how I feel and that if it was that important to him he would have left years ago etc. but it doesn't make me feel any better; I know the guilt is my issue and I need to find peace with it but I don't know how.

Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one. I've read it often enough on here to know that its true and my DH actually verbalised it quite well for me. I can only think of the negatives when I think of having kids - I don't want to deal with nappies, tantrums, homework, bullying, social media safety navigation, moody teens, the possibility of illness/disabilities limiting their/my life... he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too. I suppose I've always felt like when we have a house and settle down I'd change my mind and want kids but it just hasn't happened yet and time is definitely running out.

So, the emotional wanting hasn't yet appeared for me... however, as I'm still so undecided I'm scared that if it ever does come, it will be too late. And scared that if I have a child I don't want I would regret it. DH and I recently had a conversation about it all and he said 'I think that ship has sailed' but instead of feeling relief that it's now pretty much decided we aren't having kids, I have felt worse and worse since that conversation. Given my age too I'm acutely aware that it's probably now or never.

It's like all of a sudden all the reasons I didn't want kids don't really matter anymore but I'm wondering if that's just because I'm approaching 40 and maybe my hormones are making me feel differently. I just feel like I'm spiralling a bit and I don't know how to a) make a decision either way or b) make peace with whichever decision I make (I say 'I' as I don't think my DH will voluntarily say 'hey you know what, it's not worth it, I don't think we should have kids' even though that's the reassurance I want). I just feel quite down and depressed at the thought of this now being my life and always questioning whether we have done the right thing.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear how you make peace with a decision that isn't necessarily what your OH wants or how you know when it's definitely not going to happen (by choice).

Thank you x

Is it that you don't especially want a child but you want to have one for your husband? does he feel that you're denying him a child? because your guilt seems to be on his behalf because he'd be a great dad and you're withholding that from him.

Don't underestimate your age having an effect, either. I was adamant from the age of 15 I wasn't having children but I had a mid 40s wobble when I told myself it was too late now anyway.

I suspect you're feeling like this because you feel the clock is running and it's now or never and there's a fear of missing out and regretting it when it's too late to do anything about it.

I felt very much like that in my 40s. I'd never wanted kids but I thought if maybe the right man came along and he really wanted them, I'd be okay with it. Maybe. But deep down I didn't want really want them (or even like them) but everyone peddles the 'you feel differently when they're your own' line. And then I got to 40 and I started doubting myself. It was all fear of time running out and what if I spent the rest of my life regretting never having children? I really struggled with those thoughts for quite a few years. It's so much easier for men as they don't have the same time constraint. But I held firm - and now as a 53 year old I know it would have been the worst decision for me to have kids. I can't stand the noise or mess but most of all I just find them bloody tedious. And I find the parents become tedious as well (when they used to be interesting and fun pre-kids). I feel guilty that my father will never experience being a grandfather but OMG I couldn't have tolerated a lifetime of kiddie tedium.

he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too

You seem to be second guessing him a bit here. From what you've said he's happy with not being a father, would rather be with you than leave to have children elsewhere, and you're fairly vocal about the negatives for you. Do you not believe him deep down when he says he's happy to be childfree?

Well firstly it's hard to feel "excited" about the status quo, which in your case is not having children.

Secondly the door of opportunity for having children is closing, so it is natural to think "Do I just not want a child NOW or do I really not want one EVER?"

This is the time to think it over (with your husband obviously), and think what the future would look like with and without a child. If you really don't want one, you will feel better about your decision when you have can look forward and be happy with what you see.

I started having my kids at 41 and it's exhausting. Honestly if you don't want to deal with all the crap that comes with kids I wouldn't bother. It's hard work in your 40s and you won't magically want to be bothered with it much as you love your kids. Then again a friend of mine felt how you did and had one child and it's worked out for them, her DH does most of the childcare 🤷‍♀️

I think that you have to accept that your DH has made peace with himself about not having kids, and he sounds very supportive of your feelings too. Everybody is going to have deep down regrets about things they haven’t done, but there is also always going to be a bit of the rose tinted glasses about those what-ifs.

It sounds like you've got two things going on. Guilt and FOMO.

The guilt is daft. You didn't stop your husband from having kids. He chose to not have kids. Presumably this wasn't something you sprung on him 10 years into marriage, I assume you had this conversation early doors, in which case he made the decision that being with you was the better choice. He made the decision, not you.

The fear of missing out, noone can really advise you on, that's very much a you thing. I will however offer my experience. Me and DP never wanted kids, kid happened anyway. I'm very glad she did happen, it worked out well for us and I can't imagine my life without her. BUT, I'm also very glad that DD happened at 24, and is about to turn 16, and that I'm not dealing with nappies and tantrums and being headbutted in the groin at 40. I was not a natural parent to small children at 24, having just spent a weekend with my nephew I can definitely confirm that things would not have improved at 40.

I think you need to come to terms with the idea that your OH is at peace with it all.

Also would you ever consider fostering which is short term and could give you an opportunity to “give back”. I only suggest this because you mentioned that you feel that your home and life is complete and you feel that you can give back. No - it’s not the same as having a child but you skip past the baby phase! (Which was never my fav - I much prefer them when you can have a conversation).

Have you spoken to your OH about how you feel? Personally I find that men (the ones I’ve been with anyway) have a very different approach he may not fully understand the emotions that you are going through at the moment. But maybe you need reassurance from him again. It does sound more like a panic than a sudden need to have children.

I do have a child but it was unplanned as a late teen. And honestly 12 years later I have never felt the need to purposely have another child as I’ve discovered a sort-of-freedom but I am open to adopting or bringing children into my life in other ways if I have that capacity.

I was as ambivalent as you are OP, for the same reasons, when I turned 40, I was tired of the indecisiveness and just went for it, and I am telling you this child is the joy of my life. Never regretted it, parenting is hard work but it is the greatest love I have ever felt. The decision is yours at the end of the day, just picture yourself 10 years from now and go with your gut x

I agree with previous posters. But also, it's pretty much impossible to be excited about something you've had all your life - i.e. being child-free. The decision to make a change and do something new is always going to be more novel and exciting than the decision not to. That doesn't mean it's the right choice though.

Tbh op all I'm interpreting from your op is "I have good reasons for not wanting dc, apart from I feel guilty denying my husband them"

And he is an autonomous adult who could leave if he is that desperate - and he has made it clear he is actively choosing a child free lifestyle because he prefers being with you. Which is great!

I'm not hearing any other positives from you as to why you would want dc.

Please don't just have a child for him (I know he isn't asking you to!). Even in wonderfully healthy, supportive marriages, typically its the woman who loses out from having children. Reduction in earnings, reduction in pension contributions, reductions in absoloute freedoms. And if the relationship does go tits up, even the best 50/50 still usually relies on the woman doing 80% of the mental load.

Women who have children (and I include myself here, if I'm allowed to grace this board now and again), never usually plan on parenting alone, but should go into Motherhood with the acceptance that if the man leaves (and so many of them do), they would still be happy to have had kids.

Sorry to be a misery guts. I don't intend to.

I know women over 40 who don't have children and don't regret it at all, and others who as they have got older have bitterly regretted it. So nobody can really give you an answer, it has to be your decision. From what you've said your DH has consistently told you he's happy not to have a child, so id maybe think about why you feel guilty 'for' him.

I'm the same age as you but have never wavered from my decision. I've always said I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them. Hope that little mantra helps somewhat.

I don’t know a single person who has ever regretted having a child. I’m certain you wouldn’t either. 40 is not old. And what an adventure! It’s your life, but if you are asking for advice I would say that niggle at the back of your mind is there for a reason. And it won’t go away.

I have children and loved all the baby/toddler/primary school years, but teenagers are a whole new ball game. You’d be knocking on 60 and dealing with that. Don’t compromise your lovely lifestyle!

1. Having children is a lifelong endeavour. Equally - and I mean that word - for some people, NOT having children is a lifelong endeavour. Just like some women who have children repeatedly or endlessly revisit their decision to have children (or the 2nd or 3rd or 4th etc child), some women who don't have children may repeatedly or endlessly revisit that decision. These things aren't always definitive. You may be expecting too much thinking that they are or should be.
2. It's lovely you love your DH so much, and in this way. But, you should never ever have a baby "for" someone without knowing what you're letting yourself in for. As you don't have a child, you can't know what you're in for, and given each child is different you won't necessarily know what you're in for until that specific child is born. Women who are surrogates have children "for" others; they can terminate their relationship on birth. Different problems, but similarly magnanimous. It's not easy, and that's the only definite. You can formulate this issue of guilt however you want: a feminist issue, a relationship issue, an economic issue, a health issue. Whatever you choose, the bottom line is whether YOU want to be pregnant, and whether YOU want to be a mother. It's your right and your responsibility, ultimately.
3. All Western women are trapped by their (in)fertility, one way or the other, for the majority of their lives imo. First puberty, then attracting a mate, then pregnancies or not, then menopause not to mention any of the intellectual/societal mental wrangling we go through along the way. It's biology, bigger than any of us. It sucks. That's what it is. You're not alone in tussling with this as a childfree woman. Every woman addresses it at some point.

How difficult would it be to remove contraception and let fate throw the dice?

In your situation it would likely work out fine whichever way you went. If you do your DH would likely be an active committed father so it wouldn't all be on you and you would be able to experience the joy that almost always comes with parenthood (song with the stuff you mentioned). If you don't have them, you'll both accept it as your own choice and make your life fulfilled in other ways.

Maybe that doesn't help with the indecision, but I think there is some comfort in knowing either way would work out. You'd make the best of it, whatever you lose or gain from the road you go down.

I'm not sure why you'd expect to me excited by being CF Op, if you genuinely don't want children then it's just a way of life, you don't have a child in the way you get up for work every day, it's just the way things are. Maybe this is more than wanting to have a child for your DH but only you really know, maybe it's FOMO as a pp said, maybe it's just the fear of waking up at 50 and knowing it's a done deal and parenthood is forever beyond you.
The only thing you really need to consider is your motivation, why is this suddenly an issue for you. It might be that having been CF for so many years your DH really isn't worried about it anymore, maybe he'd be thrilled, but he's the one to ask

That's ttc. Op really isn't in a place of TTC

Op are you asking parents or childfree above your age? (I am younger that's why I didn't comment previously). If parents, maybe moving to chat might bring more people

I didn’t want children, got to my late twenties, and I changed my mind. DH was happy with things as they were. I don’t think he would have ever said to me, let’s have a baby. Our two are adults now, they were born 21mths apart, no regrets whatsoever, DH has been the best dad. It was the right decision for us. Do what’s right for you OP, Good luck.

I could have written your post at 38. I had zero contact with children or babies and was at best indifferent to them. Never wanted children, DH seemed happy to concur but that niggling fear of making a mistake.

After much discussion aimed at putting the question to bed once and for all, I took an enormous gamble and decided to have a baby. Pregnant within a week so no time to reflect. I was terrified throughout the pregnancy that I had made a huge mistake.
It turned out to be the best decision of my life and II now ave two adult DC in their 20s.
Yes the nappy stage and drudgery was a shock to the system, and not to be underestimated but I never expected the sheer life changing joy of having a child. The years of bringing up children in my 40s and 50s were different from my 20s and 30s but so, so much better.

Incidentally I still don't like babies or children. Only mine.

I had my child quite late.

There was this underlying fear that I might regret it for some reason. That I am not ready to sacrifice myself.
That motherhood is going to be a hard work, my life will be ruined and I will miss my old life.

How wrong I was!

She’s not sure. Perhaps I misread the OP. I’ll go look again