Why aren't I feeling excited at being childfree when I've never wanted children?

[indecisionruiningmylife]

Namechanged for this post and apologies as it is long, just wanting to try and get some thoughts down and wondering if anyone can relate...

TL:DR - indecision is making me panic and feeling guilty I (still) don't want kids.

I'm almost 40 and have never wanted children. I remember saying I never wanted kids when I was at school and that never really changed. I have a wonderful DH who has always known how I feel and never put pressure on me to change my mind (same goes for my family). No kids on my side of the family, a couple on DH's side who we rarely see due to distance. Majority of friends have kids but don't live close by anymore so we're never really around children.

The problem is, I've never been 100% sure about it, mainly for the following reasons: we both have good jobs, a nice house, my DH would be a brilliant dad, and essentially we can afford children (sorry not trying to sound goady, just pointing out that we are in as good a position as any to have a child). We've lived in multiple different countries/places over the years and had a great life but we bought our first house last year and its the first time that having a child wouldn't have a negative impact on our lives (in the sense that we wouldn't have liked one while we were living abroad as we were having too much fun etc.).

I'd always said over the years, once we 'settle down' if I change my mind I'm open to it but only if I actively wanted one. My DH would like a child but its not a dealbreaker for him and he has always said he'd rather be with me with no kids than leave me and have them. But this is the main problem (which I've talked to him about) - I wish he felt the same as me. I feel so horrendously guilty that I'm stopping him from experiencing being a dad. He says that he's always known how I feel and that if it was that important to him he would have left years ago etc. but it doesn't make me feel any better; I know the guilt is my issue and I need to find peace with it but I don't know how.

Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one. I've read it often enough on here to know that its true and my DH actually verbalised it quite well for me. I can only think of the negatives when I think of having kids - I don't want to deal with nappies, tantrums, homework, bullying, social media safety navigation, moody teens, the possibility of illness/disabilities limiting their/my life... he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too. I suppose I've always felt like when we have a house and settle down I'd change my mind and want kids but it just hasn't happened yet and time is definitely running out.

So, the emotional wanting hasn't yet appeared for me... however, as I'm still so undecided I'm scared that if it ever does come, it will be too late. And scared that if I have a child I don't want I would regret it. DH and I recently had a conversation about it all and he said 'I think that ship has sailed' but instead of feeling relief that it's now pretty much decided we aren't having kids, I have felt worse and worse since that conversation. Given my age too I'm acutely aware that it's probably now or never.

It's like all of a sudden all the reasons I didn't want kids don't really matter anymore but I'm wondering if that's just because I'm approaching 40 and maybe my hormones are making me feel differently. I just feel like I'm spiralling a bit and I don't know how to a) make a decision either way or b) make peace with whichever decision I make (I say 'I' as I don't think my DH will voluntarily say 'hey you know what, it's not worth it, I don't think we should have kids' even though that's the reassurance I want). I just feel quite down and depressed at the thought of this now being my life and always questioning whether we have done the right thing.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear how you make peace with a decision that isn't necessarily what your OH wants or how you know when it's definitely not going to happen (by choice).

Thank you x

apologies I'm not sure what the active comment means, do I need to do something with my post?

@indecisionruiningmylife You don't need to do anything - the point was that your thread is a good example of why many of us think the board's threads shouldn't appear in active, as you get a lot of parents coming on giving useless or insensitive advice. MN recently decided against our request on the basis that the new disclaimer should be enough. I think @Sauerkrautsandwich was trying to make the point that it isn't.

Nothing wrong with you or your thread, so don't worry!

Sorry, absolutely nothing wrong with your post @indecisionruiningmylife as @fitzwilliamdarcy says, it's about board about and for people who cannot or do not want children being overshadowed by "it's the best thing ever🥰" when the rest of the forum is for that.
You are being very polite. Some of us are done with it.

Anyway! I really hope you come to decision best for you. Whichever it is. If you ever want to chat things childfree, plenty here and hopefully soon by ourselves

Can I apologise for any insensitivity? Having read these comments I realise I probably am naive in my views and not everyones lives need or are enhanced by children. I’m sorry, was just offering my opinion but was not very considered

Hi Bowie16, did you not look at the board name before you decided to post? (sorry if that sounds a bit quarrelsome, it's not meant to be). It's just that we get a lot of parents here on a board not meant for them; and as I've said before, I manage to avoid boards and threads I can't contribute to because I check where I'm posting, and I wonder why some parents don't.

No I didn’t. Will do in the future, obviously

The baby years are hard but I'm finding the young 20's are breaking me. The worry & anxiety about them getting on in life and avoiding abusive partners, addiction. Honestly I feel it's overwhelming. Anyway that's my input.

@Trickedbyadoughnut thank you for sharing and really happy you got the relief in the end!

thank you @fitzwilliamdarcy and @Sauerkrautsandwich I'm fairly new to this so wasn't sure but that makes sense! I will definitely be checking out some of the other threads, some have been very helpful already

Hi…. If it helps, I’m in the same boat.

I’m 39, job, house, partner etc…. I’ve had not given much thought to having kids until I was 35, and then covid happened which unsettled me! And now I’m back to ‘thinking’ while knocking on the door of the big 4-0!

I took the step of having a fertility test…I’m still fertile…didn’t change how I feel (I hoped it would… I hoped I’d feel happy or sad etc). My friend has just had a baby alone, I’ve spent more time with a baby (and her!) …..again I hoped the baby time/seeing her joy would influence me, I’m still a fence sitter. We got a dog… I remain perched on the fence but appreciating (in a way) what parents probably experience. I am not saying a dog is a child!! it’s more that I love her to bits, want to protect her when she’s worried, want to teach her the ways of the world etc. but also feel SO tied, frustrated and irritated at times! I appreciate the emotional conflict and complexities parents probably experience… but I’m on the fence still.

Anyway…. Then I started a qualification in executive coaching….. and this has helped me more than anything! Which is a real shock! The qualification requires a lot of self reflection and I’ve used the Cartesian questions on myself…. And what I’ve arrived at is that I’m a bit of a FOMO, I envy people with the cute Instagram life (I know, it’s probably not accurate!) and what I actually want is excitement, adventure, a challenge! It’s not that I want kids exactly but they would offer me a change in life, some adventure! and one problem with the job/house/partner life is that it’s a tad boring and settled, a child would shake that up. What has massively shocked me is that some things just didn’t factor as high in my mind as I expected (growing old without a family, the physical impact of pregnancy and parenting etc)

You may ask yourself those 4 Cartesian questions (probing at least 3 or 4 times into each.. keep saying ‘and what else’ and adding another level to your answer) and have a different realisation…. Or you may not get anywhere…. But it’s a known technique people use to coach people through stuff, it’s you delving into you, and it got me closer to an ‘answer’ than anything else has.

I think if you're fine as you are, and can only think of negatives then what's the point of having a child? We are not a declining species.

thank you @HappyHamstersinHats81 this is very interesting and I will have a proper look at this coaching method

I feel exactly the same.

What baffles me most is the same phrase that is always used 'best thing to have ever happened to me'. It is as if the whole parenting journey is full of amazing positives and feelings of love, joy, happiness. We all know it isn't true on a day to day basis. The act of 'having a child' and a 'family' might make someone feel this way but overall, from what I have read and my experience of being in the presence of children most of the day as teacher day in and day out, it's frustrating and tedious.

Sitting on my sofa, right now, child free, as a 36 year old woman, imagining that there is another human in this house that at any moment will request something of me, or need attention from me frightens me. It takes a certain type of personality to happily deal with dropping everything and parenting a child. Knowing that they could be getting on with one of the many jobs or fun/relaxing activities that they want to do for them. I have friends that DO want that, that have it inside them to give themselves up for someone else. But not all of us do - perhaps we are the ones that shouldn't be parents and instead nurture ourselves instead. There's nothing wrong with that, it's not better or worse, it's just what's right for us.

So ask yourself OP - are you willing to give yourself up to rear a child through all of it's life stages? If you are then reflect on whether parenting is what you're supposed to do. Otherwise see the joy of a life with freedom and the give love and happiness to your partner, yourself and/or potential animals.

What baffles me most is the same phrase that is always used 'best thing to have ever happened to me'

I think the emphasis there should be 'happened to ME.' Your post sums up beautifully my thinking on being or not being a parent.

ODFOD.

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Did you read this before posting @stayflufft?

Did you read this before posting @stayflufft?

Of course she didn't. Cue 'well it's in active, innit? I can post if I want.'

@stayflufft What if you physically can’t “just have a baby”?

Bet poster didn't consider that before coming out with her twee shite.

What baffles me most is the same phrase that is always used 'best thing to have ever happened to me'. It is as if the whole parenting journey is full of amazing positives and feelings of love, joy, happiness. We all know it isn't true on a day to day basis. The act of 'having a child' and a 'family' might make someone feel this way but overall, from what I have read and my experience of being in the presence of children most of the day as teacher day in and day out, it's frustrating and tedious.

Baffles me too. The world is full of unpleasant and downright nasty people and they are all somebody’s children. One wonders what joy they give their parents.

One wonders what joy they give their parents

Hence the phrase 'only a mother could love that.'

That's great for you, especially if you are raising a child who will contribute brilliantly to the world. For some people that 'mummy' is not enough to mask the relentlessness of parenting a toddler and eventually a teenager and hold on their worries and problems in your heart with the requirement that life is all about them.

Just don't post a comment implying that it is all sunshine and roses, throughout that little human's lifetime they will bring you lots of strife, upset, annoyance which I wonder if your mind will erase the memories of to ensure you keep moving forward with your choice to parent. But thank you for taking the sacrifice.

I genuinely find it horrifying that people can read a post like the OP’s and say “just have a baby”.

I console myself by hoping they just didn’t read the OP properly, because otherwise they are terrifyingly cavalier about another person’s life (talking primarily about the child but also the parent, when I think about it).

I spent years looking at my feelings, really challenging them, making sure that I could be absolutely sure about not having kids (before life took the choice away). And then you have people literally going “oh just have a baby”, like you’re talking about what to have for dinner.

Sorry for the rant. I just find it horrific.

Reported so HQ can see that the disclaimer isn't enough. Besides, some women can't just have a baby.

@fitzwilliamdarcy agree, also I wonder if it is deliberately provoking, or, if it is just whether the username is very apt for the person behind it.

Good idea, I’ve reported too.