Why aren't I feeling excited at being childfree when I've never wanted children?

[indecisionruiningmylife]

Namechanged for this post and apologies as it is long, just wanting to try and get some thoughts down and wondering if anyone can relate...

TL:DR - indecision is making me panic and feeling guilty I (still) don't want kids.

I'm almost 40 and have never wanted children. I remember saying I never wanted kids when I was at school and that never really changed. I have a wonderful DH who has always known how I feel and never put pressure on me to change my mind (same goes for my family). No kids on my side of the family, a couple on DH's side who we rarely see due to distance. Majority of friends have kids but don't live close by anymore so we're never really around children.

The problem is, I've never been 100% sure about it, mainly for the following reasons: we both have good jobs, a nice house, my DH would be a brilliant dad, and essentially we can afford children (sorry not trying to sound goady, just pointing out that we are in as good a position as any to have a child). We've lived in multiple different countries/places over the years and had a great life but we bought our first house last year and its the first time that having a child wouldn't have a negative impact on our lives (in the sense that we wouldn't have liked one while we were living abroad as we were having too much fun etc.).

I'd always said over the years, once we 'settle down' if I change my mind I'm open to it but only if I actively wanted one. My DH would like a child but its not a dealbreaker for him and he has always said he'd rather be with me with no kids than leave me and have them. But this is the main problem (which I've talked to him about) - I wish he felt the same as me. I feel so horrendously guilty that I'm stopping him from experiencing being a dad. He says that he's always known how I feel and that if it was that important to him he would have left years ago etc. but it doesn't make me feel any better; I know the guilt is my issue and I need to find peace with it but I don't know how.

Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one. I've read it often enough on here to know that its true and my DH actually verbalised it quite well for me. I can only think of the negatives when I think of having kids - I don't want to deal with nappies, tantrums, homework, bullying, social media safety navigation, moody teens, the possibility of illness/disabilities limiting their/my life... he said that having kids probably isn't a rational decision but an emotional one and that if you don't fundamentally want/yearn for children then you probably shouldn't have one. He also said there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids and that societal pressure doesn't help women who feel like me... so he's saying all the right things but I know deep down that he'd love it if we had a child and I hate myself for denying him that and not wanting that too. I suppose I've always felt like when we have a house and settle down I'd change my mind and want kids but it just hasn't happened yet and time is definitely running out.

So, the emotional wanting hasn't yet appeared for me... however, as I'm still so undecided I'm scared that if it ever does come, it will be too late. And scared that if I have a child I don't want I would regret it. DH and I recently had a conversation about it all and he said 'I think that ship has sailed' but instead of feeling relief that it's now pretty much decided we aren't having kids, I have felt worse and worse since that conversation. Given my age too I'm acutely aware that it's probably now or never.

It's like all of a sudden all the reasons I didn't want kids don't really matter anymore but I'm wondering if that's just because I'm approaching 40 and maybe my hormones are making me feel differently. I just feel like I'm spiralling a bit and I don't know how to a) make a decision either way or b) make peace with whichever decision I make (I say 'I' as I don't think my DH will voluntarily say 'hey you know what, it's not worth it, I don't think we should have kids' even though that's the reassurance I want). I just feel quite down and depressed at the thought of this now being my life and always questioning whether we have done the right thing.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd love to hear how you make peace with a decision that isn't necessarily what your OH wants or how you know when it's definitely not going to happen (by choice).

Thank you x

OP, you see many negatives to having a child and not a single positive. You have positive thoughts about material things. That should tell you something - some people just aren't cut out to be mothers and there is nothing wrong with that. You and your husband have made a very pleasant comfortable life for yourselves - it's probably a bit late for regrets now.

I have had 2 friends around the same age as you who had the panic about should I have kids, will I regret it if I don’t? It did pass, I do think its the biological clock ticking because time isn’t on your side. But I do think you are also feel guilty about your DP, trust what he says, if he wanted kids that badly then he would have left. If he had stated he never wanted kids would you feel this way?

It’s a really hard one OP I feel for you, you wont know how you will feel in 10 years if you do have them and regret it or don’t have them and regret it. Probably not the best advice but if you choose not to have kids, can you miss what you’ve never had?

Could you be feeling like this because you’ve bought a house now and are settled in one place? Before you were moving a lot so there was always something else coming if you get what I mean?

I have kids, but I always wanted them and I was lucky it happened for me, but my childfree friends also have really fulfilling lives and are just as happy as I am.

Give yourself 6 months and see how you feel, if you still feel like you want them then go for it!

If your husband left you and had a child, how would you feel?

That is what my mother said to me, at the time I thought it cruel, but actually it was helpful.

My first thought to the above question was relief, that it wasn't me having the child.

DH hasn't left me and we haven't had children, I knew I was happy with my decision and it was DHs to decide what he wanted to do.

I think you need to let go of the guilt, OP.

You've been upfront with your DH. He knows the score and has chosen to stay with you, knowing that it will mean he won't have children. That is his choice and I think you should trust him to make his own choices in this one.

I've seen a few threads of a similar nature-a woman who has never wanted children reaches the age of 40 and has a wobble. I suspect, like others have said too, that this is nothing more than hormones and fear talking.

Of course, no one can say what you truly want on here. Only you can know that. However, I don't see a true desire to have children in your post-only to alleviate any misplaced guilt for your DH.

As for the "no one ever regrets having children," posts-I'll let all the posters on Regretful Parents on Reddit know, shall I? Or should I let the people in the Facebook group "I Regret Having Kids," know as well?

I'll tell them they don't exist.

I'm never wanted kids but as time ran down I worried that I'd be missing out and caved to external pressure and what if's. I love my child so much but I don't enjoy being a mother r parenting and I know deep down I should have stuck to my original instinct that motherhood is not for me and I also know I am not alone, I was very surprised when I shared these feelings with other women that far more than I expect to said they felt the same.

Don't do it for someone else or because of fomo, do it because you want a child and to be a mum more than anything else, otherwise stay childfree.

In general people spin themselves a narrative to make peace with how life turned out i.e. that mistake was the best thing that ever happened to me, that rejection was a lucky mistake and so on, I've done it myself, we'd go crazy if we didn't so take what others say about how great it is with pinch of salt.

She’s not child free so why is this in the child free area?

OP has no children.

If you are really stuck then talking it through with a therapist might help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. I agree with the posters who say you need to separate your own feelings from your husband’s. Good luck x

Good advice re seeing a therapist. Also, have your reasons for not having children changed as you have become adult?

What a stupid comment. She has said absolutely nothing to suggest that. Please take you silly sentimentality somewhere else.
Responding to @bigpawsjames. Don’t know why the quoting failed.

OP is so confused she's not come back to her post yet ... just feel a bit annoyed that PPs have taken the effort and asked pertinent questions but OP is obviously too busy being child-free to respond! Why ask for advice and then disappear?

What was that in response to?

Ah sorry @LoobyDop you'd edited just as I asked!

I don’t think people tend to feel excited about not doing big life moments. You don’t celebrate not buying a new car, or not taking a sabbatical. So that feeling is normal.

Have you sat down and imagined being 50/60/70/80 etc without a child? How do you envisage your life, what pleasures do you think you’ll have, and equally what pleasures would you miss out on with a child.

@verifyme Are you serious??!

Take however much time you need to respond OP, if you want to.

Almost all my friends have kids and they have all said (off their own backs, not me questioning them) that you should only have a child if you really really want one.

They are correct. Which is kinder: having kids and regretting them, or not having kids and regretting it? In the second case, only you get hurt. In the first case, the kids get hurt too.

This isn't a soap opera, OP isn't entertainment. She doesn't owe us an update.

"Too busy being child free" 😸😅

Oh shush.

Op asked on childfree board - "MNters without children" for a reason. Even the question is actually aimed at childfree and yet it got absolutely run over by parents and "no one regrets babies❤️". I wouldn't come back either.

The wobble comes to many childfree at some point, it's a big decision afterall.

Someone one MN once said the world would be a better place if people spent as much time on thinking through having children as childfree spend on thinking through not having them.

Just an fyi normally I am patient, but I am reporting this as proof we need off Active

@indecisionruiningmylife. I am not child free, just to caveat which position my advice is coming from, but I have an equal number of child free by choice friends in my life who are my age, a little older and a little younger. So spanning 40-45 years old.

My child-free friends enjoy spending time with their friends' children, but are glad at the end of the day when they go home.

They do not have to plan their lives around school holidays for 13 years. They can take spontaneous trips away. They don't have to consider whether the accommodation will be big enough, whether their car needs changing to suit the family. They do not worry about babysitters when arranging a night out.

They don't worry about sleepless nights, endless nappies, whether their child needs additional support and the battles that entails. The women do not have to worry about the impact of taking maternity leave on their career.

They do not worry about balancing supporting their aging parents versus their family needs. One of them is an only child and certainly doesn't worry about leaving her parents without grandchildren. She is quite clear her parents chose to have one child and it's hers and her husband's choice to have none. They have a close and loving relationship without the conflict that grandchildren can sometimes create - the expectation that grandparents will be free childcare.

One of my friends says it does sometimes feel selfish to not have children. But I firmly believe it can be equally selfish to have children. Becoming a parent is about having that piece of us that we can raise and mould as we see fit, to carry on a legacy of family history. To ensure our continuance in this world.

If you are having any doubts you need to thoroughly explore why you have those doubts. Is it because you've maintained a child free position based on your own experience of childhood - one of my friends has parents who went through a very acrimonious divorce. She has said from her teens that she wouldn't want to put a child through that.

Is it because your biological clock is ticking louder now. In which case, your original reasons for being childfree still stand. But we are programmed to procreate so it goes against our programming to ignore that based on an ancient need to ensure survival. It is only in recent history that families have not needed to have multiple children to ensure some survived and were able to contribute to the household/expected to take care of elderly parents.

You feel guilty not giving your husband a child. But he has chosen this life with you. If it was important for him to have children, he could easily have walked away years ago. I know it's different for men as they can procreate for far longer. But he remains with you.

You've said you're open to changing your lifestyle but only if you actively want a child. And it sounds like you are not at that stage. You're wondering if your life will be vastly different with a child in it. You are financially stable enough to provide for their every need in that respect. But would you be able to provide for a child emotionally if you're not 100% on board with the idea. They need a lot of input, guidance, nurturing to grow into successful adults.

You're also doing a lot of speculating on your husband's part about whether he wants children. He has gone into a relationship with you knowing children were never on the table. Whether the 'ship has sailed' or not, he made a conscious choice and he knows that having children is an emotional decision. You've said you're still not emotionally wanting a child. There are options if it does appear in later years, but if you're not experiencing that emotional pull, parenting can be incredibly hard because I firmly believe you need that emotional attachment to your child, to put everything on the line for them and feel that no matter what, they come before everything when it comes to survival.

So, in summary, it's ok to be childfree. It's ok to make that choice consciously. It's natural to feel some regret - that biological programming for you. But if you're not 100% on board with becoming a parent, even if you are financially and socially capable of being a parent, the lack of emotional desire carries equal weight to the decision.

OP I just want to do some gentle reframing. I hope it doesn't come across as condescending, and maybe you've already thought about from this point of view, but having a child isn't just having a child.

It's having a baby for a year, then a toddler for another year or two, then a preschooler for a year, 7 years of a primary school child, 7 years of a high schooler/teenager and then a young adult for a bit and then an adult who will likely be part of your life until you die.

Again, apologies if that sounds really basic, but it might be helpful to reflect on whether any particular stage appeals or puts you off or whether the whole package (as it were) isn't for you.

Excellent post.

This thread is not an example of that much-vaunted parental empathy. I’m not surprised the OP hasn’t been back.

Whereas I find it patronising and yet another example of parents derailing threads on the MNers without children board. Are we not allowed a safe spacewhere we can discuss being childfree without being lectured by parents?! This board seems to be like catnip to them.